by Jules Dixon
“You’re right, better to forgive him and hope he comes out of this a different guy.”
“That’s the thing. I don’t want a different guy. I bet the Drexel you’ve seen probably isn’t the Drexel I see.”
“Who do you see?”
I slunk down into the couch, grabbing a pillow and hugging it to me. “I see a man who’s brokenhearted, who believes he doesn’t deserve love. I see a human who wants to make real connections with people but he’s scared they’ll turn him away when they find out about his demons. I see someone who likes to push people’s buttons … well, really his method is more stabbing people’s buttons, but only because he doesn’t know how to be vulnerable, but I know that’s hard for most people. I see an ache to connect where others might see a person forcing people away. Sometimes I have to look deep for that one, but it’s there, I promise.”
“Wow, and I thought I was in deep with Bryson. You have it bad and if that’s the real Drexel then I think you deserve each other.”
My phone rang on the coffee table with a foreign number.
“Hello?”
“Hey.”
“Drexel?”
“Yeah. Um, I wanted to call and let you know I don’t have my phone. The guys took it when they stole my car.”
Maybe he hasn’t heard my voice mail? Maybe that’s a good thing.
I ignored his petulant attitude about his car. Ollie explained the need to do the search and I agreed.
“How are you?” I asked.
“Rory, I’m sorry about last night.”
I hated that he didn’t answer my question, but from my accident, I knew saying the word “fine” sometimes made me feel worse.
“What part?” I asked to lighten the mood.
He muffled out a chuckle, then breathed deeply. “The coke on the counter, that wasn’t right. The other part, I’ll never be…” He muffled something I couldn’t make out. “But I just wanted you to know I might not be calling you for a while.”
“Drex … I … I hope you get better.”
“Thanks.” He paused. “Aurora?”
My heart jumped at how he stretched my name, a loving rubber band holding us together that I hoped would never snap back on either of us.
“Yes?”
“If I can’t win this battle, I want you to know I tried my hardest. Sometimes people can’t go back to normal.”
“I don’t want normal, I want you.”
“I gotta go.” His voice was tight.
“Bye, Drex.”
“Bye, my princess.”
The line clicked.
“Did he just call you ‘his princess’ and you didn’t say anything back about it?” Avery’s eyebrows peaked with the question.
I tried to stop it, but a tear made its way over the edge of my lashes. “Kind of like it now.”
“Wow, you are so messed up.” She pulled me into a hug and I cried.
And I’m not fine, but that’s okay.
After I finally figured out the problem with my DVR, Avery and I watched a marathon of chick flicks. They only confirmed relationships experienced bumps in the road, but people who were meant to be together would end up that way—at least on the pages of a screenplay. But Drexel and I weren’t ever going to be a clearly written creation.
One thing was clear: my life was going to have life-altering times of pain, fleeting but memorable moments of happiness, and plenty of gratifying status quo. Happiness, status quo, and occasional pain with Drexel would be better than any scripted movie I’d ever watched. Hearing him speak my name—whether it was while we were screaming at each other, playfully kidding around, or making love—he captured my heart when he rolled those three syllables off his tongue.
Avery left to have dinner with Bryson. She invited me, but my dad texted he was coming over to talk. After I searched through my fridge, twice, I gave up. Nothing sounded good to eat and my stomach was an aerialist trying to bring back up the two glasses of wine I’d enjoyed with Avery.
There was a knock at the door and I heard the familiar squeak of it opening, before I said a word to invite the person in.
That’s going to have to stop.
“Rory?”
“Dad, hi.” I walked to the entryway. My dad was always a big hugger. I was positive he was part bear, part human, but nice bear, like a panda but taller. I wanted to be mad about him letting himself in, but in his arms everything but how I loved him slipped away. He made me feel as if everything would be okay, just like when I was a little girl.
“How are you today?”
I grabbed the remote and turned down my music. “Doing good. My friend, Avery, came over and we watched some movies.”
“That’s nice. Can we sit and talk for a couple of minutes?”
I curled up on the sofa, tucking my legs to the side.
“Rory, is there something more than friendship going on between you and Drexel Mason?”
I grabbed a pillow and wrapped my arms around it. “Why do you ask?”
“Aurora, I know this will be hard to understand, but I want you to stay away from him.”
I leaned back against the arm of the sofa. My head ran with exclamations that would only make me appear irrational and possibly, or more likely, in love.
“Why?” My voice brought the end of the word up until it was a screech from my mouth.
“Drexel has problems you don’t need to be involved in. I’m going to let him go from the dealership when he returns.”
I sat up. “Dad, I know about his problems and I don’t care. There’s more to him than you understand.”
“I understand what his problems are and I only need you to understand this is what I want and need you to do. I can’t worry about you being around him and something happening to you.”
“Dad, you can’t fire him, please. He needs us. He needs us to be his family and know people care about him. He needs people to accept him no matter what.”
“I’m sorry, but I have to protect my business. If he’s high on the job, that’s obviously a liability. You have to understand, these are the rules. I’m sure Drexel will.”
“It’s not always about business.”
“You’re right. It’s not just about business this time. It’s also about protecting you.”
I stood. “I don’t need to be protected. He wants to get better. That’s what he’s trying to do right now.”
“I understand Drexel wants to get better, but Aurora, you can’t be a motivational muse for someone who needs to be clean for himself. He’ll blame you if he doesn’t succeed.”
That makes sense.
“I love him, Dad,” I whispered while my bottom lip quivered.
He reached out but I backed away and paced in front of the coffee table.
“Honey, he’s not the right guy for you. It’ll take time, but you’ll love someone else.”
Confusion blistered my brain like a mental sunburn. I trusted my father more than any man in my life. He’d always been there for me and he’d always been right. I wanted to argue with him, but that wasn’t the mature way to handle this.
I stopped pacing. “All right, Dad. I need to be alone for a while.” My emotions stayed even. I wasn’t technically telling him I wouldn’t do as he asked, I was asking for time. He would hear what he wanted to because I always listened to him. He never took no for an answer, that’s kind of why Jessen Auto Mall succeeded as the best in Omaha. He only hired people like him.
“Thank you, Rory. I promise, there’s someone out there who will deserve your heart.”
Deserve? Only I decide who deserves me and who I deserve.
He stood and brought me into a hug. The gesture didn’t hold the same sentiment after he’d frayed my heart. But I was ready for another man to repair it.
He walked to the door. “Mom’s making eggplant parmesan for dinner. You’re welcome to join us.”
“Thanks, I’ll think about it. Oh, and Dad?”
“Yes?”
“I’m thankful to live here, but I need to have some say on when people come into my apartment. Please, let me answer my door from now on.”
“All right. I’ll ring the doorbell.”
“Thank you.”
Sitting on the sofa, staring into space, I could feel there was something wrong with this picture and it wasn’t my feelings about Drexel. About half an hour after Dad left, my doorbell rang. I opened to my brother, Spencer.
“Can I talk to you for a minute, sis?”
“Sure, Spence.” I left the door open and he followed me to the sofa.
“Dad talked to me about Drexel.”
“About what?”
“He told me that if I see him over here, I’m supposed to tell him to leave, but he wouldn’t tell me why. Did Drexel hurt you last night?”
“No.” I grabbed a tissue from the end table and dabbed the falling tears.
I wasn’t upset at Drexel. I was pissed at my father. How dare he bring Spence into this! I’m an adult and I definitely don’t need a bodyguard against Drex.
“Sis, why can’t Drexel come over?”
I stared at my brother. He was sixteen, almost seventeen. I wasn’t going to sugarcoat it. It was time for both of us to do a little growing up. Dad couldn’t protect us forever.
“Drexel has an addiction to cocaine. Dad’s going to fire him. I love Drexel, but Dad wants me to stay away from him.”
His face contorted with annoyance. “He can’t tell you who to date and who not to date.”
“Well, he sure seems to think so.”
“Rory, what makes it okay for Dad to accept my boyfriend without judgment and not yours?”
I examined the question’s every word. “I don’t know.”
“Maybe you should really think about that.”
I didn’t have to think about it. My heart was Drexel’s. My father would come around to accepting my decision because he loved me. And I loved Drexel. I loved him more than my parents and I never thought I’d think that about anyone, but it was the truth.
“I love you, Spence, but it’s time for me to move out.”
“Excellent!”
I laughed. “Not exactly how I thought you’d react.”
“I mean, I’ll miss you, but hopefully Mom and Dad will let me move in here for my senior year. I could have some awesome parties here.”
“Good luck with that.” I chuckled. “Okay, I need to contact someone.”
“Don’t know Drexel, but if you love him, I love him too.”
I pursed my trembling lips. “Thanks, Spence. How about you and me do lunch next weekend?”
“I’d like that. Bring our boyfriends?”
I nodded. “Drexel’s in detox right now. Might need to give him a couple of weeks to adjust.”
“I hope he’s successful.” He waved as he walked out.
“Me too, Spence.” I found my phone, and since Drex didn’t have his phone, I texted Ollie.
Aurora: How’s Drexel doing?
I cleaned when I was nervous and had to work through something in my head. In the respite of a routine, my brain was allowed to relax and a connection between it and my heart was finalized.
There’s no reason for me not to be with Drexel. He’ll get through this. I want to be there for him.
I finished dusting my bedroom. When the phone buzzed in the living room, I made the twenty-foot dash faster than any sprint in my life.
Ollie: Today was okay, but it’s the next two or three that will be the real test. He still had some residual in his system today. Might be feeling pretty shitty tomorrow and Saturday, but I think he’d like to see you.
Aurora: My dad doesn’t want me to see him.
Ollie: You’re a grown woman. I’ll support you whatever you decide is right for you.
I wanted to cuss at him for not just saying what I wanted to hear. Which was a ridiculous thing to think. I didn’t want to be told how to feel or what to think. Not even by my own father. If I decided not to see Drexel, it would be my decision, not some arbitrary protection order. Fathers are supposed to be protective, but a daughter was supposed to be herself. The two ideologies might clash, but as long as there was love still connecting us, we would always be family.
I looked up an address.
Aurora: Are you busy right now?
Ollie: Nope, just hanging out.
Aurora: Can you meet me? 13327 Greenbriar Lane.
There was a long pause between texts. I assumed he was looking up the address.
Ollie: Are you sure?
Aurora: I’m sure. I need to do this. Please.
Ollie: I’ll be there in ten minutes.
Thank you.
****
I parked and waited for Ollie while the rain trickled off of my umbrella. My stomach flipped like I was riding a roller coaster but my feet were planted on the ground.
His car rolled in and parked next to mine.
“Rory, are you sure about this?”
It was time for closure.
“I need to move on. I keep feeling like I’m being smothered. I need to say good-bye.”
Ollie wrapped an arm around my shoulders and slipped the bag I was holding from my hand. “Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”
He walked behind me as I shuffled down the sidewalk. I saw the fresh mound of dirt at the end of the row and the closer I got the slower my legs moved.
“Ollie, can you stay here?”
His eyes softened. They were such a similar shade to Drexel’s that my resolve almost buckled, but if Drexel was making an effort to get better, then I could too.
“I’ll wait right here and if you need me, just call.” After he handed me the bag, he leaned back against a tree next to the walkway.
My stomach was still rolling, end over end.
I made it to the end of the row. The rain let up slightly and I left the umbrella on the walkway. I stepped onto the grass, the cold wet seeping through my Converse shoes, but I was here and I wasn’t leaving.
I kneeled next to the stone.
“Owen Ryder, Died Aged 27 years, 6 months, 7 days. Beloved son, brother, and friend.” And the Lord’s Prayer was etched into the back of the headstone.
“Hi, Owen. I’m Aurora Jessen. You don’t know me. At least I don’t think you do, but I want to talk to you. Owen, on January 16th, you ran a stop sign and there isn’t much more I remember other than bright lights and waking up in a hospital almost seven days later.”
I pulled a small vase of spring flowers from the bag. “These are for you.” I set them on the lower ledge of the dark gray granite. “Owen, I’m here to tell you I forgive you. But I also want to thank you. You helped me to see I need to move on with my life. You gave me appreciation for being alive and having a life to live. I’m sorry you died. I’m so sorry and if I could change it, believe me I would.”
My body ached from holding in the emotions for the last two weeks. I let go of a small sob. “I hope that you can hear me and you find peace, too. I’ll promise to visit you once in a while. But for now, I’m going to live my life.”
I stood and the rain ticked against my raincoat. The cold wet drops washed away my tears. I’d found peace. I prayed he could, too.
Ollie met me halfway and pulled me into a hug. “You okay?”
“Yeah.” I backed away and lifted my umbrella to shield both of us. “Ollie, you asked me what I wanted earlier and this was only part of it. I want Drexel, but I want him to get better for himself, not for me.”
“I think he wants to get better to be a better man for you. We’re going to have a gathering to support Drexel tomorrow night at Kanyon and Willow’s. Why don’t you come?”
My heart fluttered in my chest. It wanted to see him. I wanted to see him.
“I’ll be there. Send me the address and details.”
Chapter Seventeen
Drexel
Friday morning, I woke to a withdrawal symptom I’d never experienced. I used Kanyon’s phone to call Kirs
ch and described what I was feeling. The whole world was a slow-motion camera. People’s voices seemed stretched out and actions as if turtle DNA had been injected into their bodies. I was experiencing what he referred to as “psychomotor retardation.” Didn’t help that I got about thirty minutes of sleep in total last night. I wanted to blame my insomnia on the firm mattress, but reality was falling in on me and accepting I was the one to blame was the hard and responsible truth.
Fuck being responsible.
Jude was on take-pity-on-Drexel duty today. He drove my car here. Finally, my baby was back to me. I was informed the guys realized my levels of stashing creativity and decided to do multiple passes over the vehicle, which meant they probably got almost all.
Maybe all?
My house would be the bigger problem. There were too many places I’d hidden or stored or tucked away for a rainy day. Which, ironically, today was a rainy day and looking out on the Hills’ backyard, I stared at the play-set I helped to construct. Well, really Rahl, Kanyon, Jude, and Kanyon’s cousin, Brock, did all of the real work and I acted as the beer wench. Until two days ago, the guys had treated me like they didn’t care about my little white hindrance.
“Don’t you have clients on Fridays?” I asked Jude.
He turned on the TV and waved me off with the remote. “I got someone to cover for me.”
All of these people were taking time off from their busy lives to babysit me. “Jude, I’ll be fine.”
“You say ‘fine’ to me again and I’ll kick your ass, Mason.” He plopped into the leather recliner and kicked out the footrest. “You can say anything else, but ‘fine’ won’t ever be it.”
“Kirsch get to you with his psychobabble, too?”
“No, I had this friend, she used to say, ‘Fine is code for there’s more to know. Keep asking questions’.”
“What if I don’t want to answer them?”
“Then that’s on you, not me. I want you to know Presley and I are all in to help you get better.”
“Until your baby is born.”
“No, even after. You’re permanent.”
“Even if I can’t—”
“You can and you will. Whatever pain you have that’s covered in a fine white dust, you need to let it out, then you can move on.”
