"And you've got some kids," I said in Lanny's body.
Once again Principal Blanco leaned forward. "Lanny, my darling, let me explain. Yes, I have children, but they're all out of the house and in college now. Yes, I am married, but — " He let out a long slow breath. "The flame of passion is long gone. My wife and I live like strangers sharing the same house. I hardly know who she is anymore."
Briiinnng ! The phone on Principal Blanco's desk rang and he answered it. "Hello? Oh, er, hi, hon, I'm busy right now. Can I call you back? What? The dry cleaning? Sure, I'll pick it up on the way home, but . . . The dog got out again? How many times have I told you to keep the gate closed? Yes, but I can't talk right now about . . .
Our anniversary is tomorrow? Uh, of course I remembered. Yes, our favorite restaurant is fine, but . . . No! Your sister and her bratty kids cannot stay with us, and that's final!"
Principal Blanco hung up. His face looked red.
"You may not know who she is anymore," I said in Lanny's body, "but she sure seems to know who you are."
Principal Blanco got up and came around the desk. He got down on one knee and took Lanny's hand in his. "Lanny, er, Miss Shanks, please hear me out. I am mortal, only made of flesh and blood, but you are a goddess. I worship the very ground you walk on. I dream of you at night. Let me take you away from all this! I promise I will always treat you like a queen."
Principal Blanco started to pull Lanny's hand toward him as if he wanted to plant a big, wet kiss on her knuckles. We had entered the realm of gross. I knew it was time to get out. No matter what happened outside the office, it had to be better than being slobbered on by my principal.
In Lanny's body, I jumped out from the seat and yanked my hand away. I headed for the door, but Principal Blanco got there first. He pressed his back against the door and held out his hands to stop me.
"Miss Shanks, please stop!" he begged.
In Lanny's body I stopped.
"Don't go, please!" Principal Blanco said. "You don't understand what this means to me. You can't! The nights I've dreamed of you! Yearned for you!" Principal Blanco fell to his knees in front of the door and clasped his hands. "Please, Miss Shanks, come away and be my love! I'll worship the very ground you walk on!"
Principal Blanco started to bend forward toward the floor. For a second I thought he was going to kiss Lanny's feet!
In Lanny's body I quickly stepped back. Principal Blanco kept leaning forward. A moment later he kissed the floor where I'd just stood.
There was no doubt about it. He may have been my principal, but he was also one sick puppy. Then the office door opened.
And there stood Angus!
36
Angus stared down at Principal Blanco, who ... was still on his hands and knees with his butt sticking up in the air as he kissed the carpet. Then Angus looked at me in Lanny's body.
"Is this the guy?" Angus asked.
I didn't know what to say. Meanwhile, Principal Blanco looked up. His jaw dropped. He quickly got to his feet and dusted off his knees. "Who are you?"
"I'm Angus Bangus," said Angus. "What kind of a nut case are you?"
"I happen to be the principal of this school." Principal Blanco puffed out his chest. "Angus Bangus? What kind of name is that?"
"What kind of principal licks the carpet?" Angus asked back.
"I wasn't licking the carpet," Principal Blanco sputtered. "I was, er, uh, looking for something." "What?" asked Angus.
"A contact lens," Principal Blanco said.
"Whose contact lens?" asked Angus.
"Uh, Miss Shanks's."
"Miss Shanks don't wear contacts, meat brain." "What are you doing here?" asked Principal Blanco. "What do you want?"
Angus turned to me in Lanny's body. "I was wrong. I was thinking too much about me and not enough about us. If you want to renounce the Pledge of Veg, that's fine. If you want to consume sugar and caffeine, that's your business. The point is, I love you. Can you forgive me? Will you take me back?"
"Wait!" Principal Blanco suddenly gasped. "Lanny, don't listen to him! He's already admitted he thinks too much about himself. I, on the other hand, have always thought of you and only you! Cast your lot with me, Lanny!"
"Cast your lot?" Angus scowled. "What cave did you crawl out of?"
"It's poetry, you low-life head banger," Principal Blanco shot back. "The language of love."
Angus rolled his eyes and turned to me in Lanny's body. "You can't be serious about this fruitcake, Lanny. You step out of line and he'll give you detention."
"Don't listen to him!" Principal Blanco cried. "Think of what he does for a living. What kind of future can he give you? These bands are big for a week and then disappear forever. A year from now he'll be serving burgers at McDonald's."
"Oh, yeah?" Angus snapped. "I drive a Ferrari Superrossa. What do you drive? A Yugo?"
"A Camry LE, for your information," Principal Blanco replied with a huff. "What did you get on your SATs?"
"My what?" Angus scowled.
"Your Scholastic Achievement Tests," Principal Blanco said. "Your college boards. You did go to college, didn't you?"
"My last CD went quintuple platinum, you twerp in a suit," Angus shot back. "Last summer my band sold out every stadium from L.A. to Tokyo. I could buy everything you've got with the change in my pocket."
"Money isn't everything!" Principal Blanco shouted.
"Only losers say that!" Angus yelled.
"Oh, yeah?" yelled Principal Blanco. "You're so dumb you tried to read an audiobook."
"You're so poor you eat cereal with a fork to save milk," Angus shot back.
"You're so stupid you took a spoon to the Superbowl."
"You're so broke, when 'burglars break into your house they leave you money."
"You're so thick you watch The Three Stooges and take notes!"
They were so busy trading cut-downs that neither noticed when I slipped out the door and left the office.
I got out into the hall. Amazingly, it was empty. My first thought was to get out of school and then figure out what to do. But going out the main entrance wouldn't work. I'd have to go through the lobby and I was bound to be noticed. That left the gym or the exit at the end of the science wing.
The science wing was a lot closer, and I decided to head for it. I was lucky. In Lanny's body I managed to get there without being seen. I hurried down the hall toward the doors.
Suddenly a voice called out, "Stop!"
37
Ispun around. Behind me was Mr. Dirksen.
"Can I help you?" "How?" I asked in Lanny's body.
"You seem lost." Mr. Dirksen pointed back down the hall. "The classrooms are that way." "I'm not looking for a classroom."
Mr. Dirksen frowned. "You're not a substitute?"
"Do I look like a substitute?"
Mr. Dirksen stepped closer and squinted at me in Lanny's body. He started at the top of Lanny's head and went down to her toes and back up again.
He rubbed his chin.
He scratched his head.
Then he said, "You're young and female, so I would say, yes, you do look like a substitute."
In Lanny's body I put my hand on my hip. "Have you ever seen a substitute who was this beautiful?"
Mr. Dirksen scowled. "Some are quite attractive."
"This attractive?" I arched one of Lanny's eyebrows.
"Don't you think you're being a bit conceited?" Mr. Dirksen asked.
This was getting ridiculous. "Mr. Dirksen, it's me, Jake Sherman."
Mr. Dirksen's eyebrows rose. "Jake?"
"Yours truly."
"Why would you switch bodies with a substitute?" Mr. Dirksen asked. Sometimes he could be incredibly thick.
"She's not a substitute!" I insisted. "She's the most beautiful woman in the world."
"But what does she do?" Mr. Dirksen asked. "She doesn't have to do anything! All she has to do is be beautiful."
"And she gets paid for that?" Mr. Dir
ksen asked. "Millions of dollars."
"Interesting," Mr. Dirksen said. "Well, I think you've finally switched with the right person, Jake. Good luck."
The next thing I knew, Mr. Dirksen turned and headed back toward his lab.
"Wait!" I cried.
Mr. Dirksen stopped. "What?"
"I don't want to be in this body!" I cried. "What about the millions of dollars?" Mr. Dirksen asked.
I thought of having to choose between Angus Bangus and Principal Blanco. "It's not worth it."
"Hmmm." Mr. Dirksen rubbed his chin again. "Maybe I should switch with you."
"What about Ms. Rogers?"
"I'm sure she wouldn't mind all that money," Mr. Dirksen said.
"I think she'd mind that you turned into a girl."
"Oh, good point," Mr. Dirksen admitted. "So, I suppose you want to switch back into your own body?"
"The sooner the better."
"Go find your body and bring it to the science lab," Mr. Dirksen said.
"I can't," I said. "If I go anywhere in this body I'll be mobbed."
Mr. Dirksen let out another big sigh. "Okay. Wait in the lab. I'll go find you."
Mr. Dirksen left to go find Lanny in my body. In the meantime, I went into the science lab and started to pull the blue tarp off the big DITS. At the same time, I could feel Lanny's stomach begin to rumble hungrily again. It was amazing. It felt like she was always half starved. It might have been cool to be a supermodel, but I wasn't sure it was worth starving for.
I heard a click as the doorknob turned. Great! I thought. Mr. Dirksen found Lanny in my body. In a few minutes I would be back in my own body again.
The door swung open.
But it wasn't Lanny in my body and Mr. Dirksen.
It was Amanda Gluck!
And behind her came Barry Dunn with Josh!
38
Let me go!" Josh squirmed and struggled to get away from Barry, who had one of Josh's arms twisted behind his back.
Barry hardly heard him. He was too busy staring at me in Lanny's body. "Whoa! What a babe!"
"I know that's . . . Snork! . . . you, Jake," Amanda said to me in Lanny's body. "Here's the deal. You . . . Snork! . . . switch bodies with me . . . Snork! . . . or Barry tortures Josh."
"Don't do it, Jake!" Josh cried.
"Why do you want to be in Lanny's body?" I asked. "I thought you were totally against all this stuff."
"I was against it as long as . . . Snork! . . . I thought I had to be in my body," Amanda explained. "It's totally unfair that people . . . Snork! . . . judge other people by their appearance. But I . . . Snork! . . . have to be practical, Jake. People aren't going to change. They're . . . Snork! . . . always going to be shallow and superficial. If that's
the way . . . Snork! . . . it's going to be, then I'd be out of my mind not to take advantage of this situation."
"Just let me warn you," I said in Lanny's body. "It's not so great to be in this body. You starve all the time. You never want to go out in the sun because it'll wreck your skin. And you have to wrap yourself in avocado mush every night."
"I can . . . Snork! . . . live with that," Amanda replied. "Let's switch bodies."
I stared at Barry holding Josh. I stared at the DITS. Then I stared back at Amanda, the worst brownnose do-gooder kiss-up in school, a girl only the World's Ugliest Cross-eyed Cow could love. Suddenly I had a horrible thought.
I might not have liked being in Lanny's body. But being in Amanda's body was going to be a whole lot worse!
39
Are you going to . . . Snork! . . . switch with or not?" Amanda demanded.
"Don't do it, Jake!" Josh gasped. "You can't let Amanda into Lanny's body! And you can't let yourself go into Amanda's body! It's a fate worse than death! I don't care what Barry does to me! Don't do it!"
"What should I do?" Barry asked Amanda. "It's Monkey Bite time," Amanda replied coldly.
Barry curled his hand into a claw.
"I changed my mind!" Josh suddenly cried. "Go ahead, Jake, switch with Amanda. Be my guest! I think it's a great idea!"
"I thought you were going to be brave," I said.
"I was," Josh said. "But being brave can hurt and I hate pain."
Amanda smiled triumphantly and nodded toward the DITS. "Let's . . . Snork! . . . go, Jake."
"Barry, what did Amanda promise to get you to do this?" I asked in Lanny's body.
"She said I'd be her boyfriend, and she'd help me be a famous male model," Barry answered.
"The only thing you could model are straitjackets," Josh muttered.
Barry lowered the Monkey Bite onto Josh's shoulder.
"Ow!" Josh screamed in pain. "I was only kidding, Barry. You'll make a great male model, really."
"Just remember, Barry," I said in Lanny's body. "You might be Lanny Shanks's boyfriend, but it'll really be Amanda inside Lanny Shanks's body."
Barry just shrugged.
Amanda crossed her arms. "I'm . . . Snork! . . . getting tired of all . . . Snork! . . . this talk. Now are you going to . . . Snork! . . . give me Lanny's body or do I make Barry . . . Snork! . . . put the Double Monkey Bite on Josh?"
The Double Monkey Bite was one claw on that muscle between the neck and shoulder and the other on the muscle just above the knee. It was the sheer ultimate in painful torture.
"Switch, Jake," Josh whimpered. "I promise I'll be nice to you, even if you're in Amanda's body. Even if you snort forever. Please!"
I hated to do it. I hated the idea of being in Amanda Gluck's body. I hated the idea of wearing her thick glasses and going around snorting nervously. Even worse was the thought of Amanda in Lanny's body. But for Josh's sake, I said yes.
40
WHUMP!
I opened Amanda Gluck's eyes. I knew I was in her body. The room was a blur. A fuzzy shape moved toward me and held out a pair of thick glasses. I put them on. The fuzzy shape turned into Josh.
"I just want to say thank you, Jake," he said solemnly. "You've made the ultimate sacrifice. You're a true friend."
I knew what he meant. I had just gone from being the world's most beautiful woman to . . . well, being Amanda Gluck.
The lab door swung open. Principal Blanco and Angus Bangus rushed in.
"What's going on in here?" Principal Blanco demanded. Then he blinked. "Why am I even asking? Okay, who's who this time?"
I raised Amanda's hand. "I'm Jake."
Barry raised his hand. "I'm Barry."
Josh raised his hand. "I'm Britney Spears."
Principal Blanco scowled for a moment, then turned to Amanda in Lanny's body. "Amanda?"
"Not anymore," answered Amanda in Lanny's body.
Angus Bangus stepped up to Amanda in Lanny's body. "Listen, I don't care who you are. I love you and I want you to come back to me."
A big smile appeared on Amanda in Lanny's face. "Can I go for a ride in your car?"
"Lanny, or whoever you are," said Angus. "You can have my car."
"Wait!" Barry yelped. "Amanda, you promised you'd be my girlfriend now."
"Oh, give me a break." Amanda rolled Lanny's eyes.
"What about me?" cried Principal Blanco.
"All of you, get a grip," said Amanda in Lanny's body. "Angus is a rich and famous rock star and now I'm a rich and famous supermodel. The rest of you are nobodies. Just go back to your pathetic little lives. Angus and I are going back to the big time."
And with that, Amanda in Lanny's body slid her arm through Angus's and they swept out of the science lab.
41
The lab grew quiet. You never saw a more miserable bunch of guys. At least Barry, Principal Blanco, and I in Amanda's body were miserable.
"Hey, guys, come on," said Josh. "It's not that bad."
"What are you talking about?" Barry sputtered. "I just lost the chance to be a world-famous male model."
"And I just lost the girl of my dreams," wailed Principal Blanco.
"I don't know what you guys are so upset abou
t," I said in Amanda's body. "At least you don't have to spend the rest of your life in this body."
Principal Blanco and Barry traded a look. "Guess we don't have it so bad, huh?" Barry said. Principal Blanco nodded.
The lab door swung open. Mr. Dirksen and Lanny in my body came in.
"Where is she?" Mr. Dirksen asked.
"She just left for the big time," Principal Blanco answered.
Mr. Dirksen's mouth fell open. "Jake left in that woman's body?"
"No," I said in Amanda's body. "Amanda Gluck left in that woman's body."
Mr. Dirksen blinked with astonishment. "Jake? Now you're in Amanda's body?"
I nodded.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Mr. Dirksen said.
"Me, too," I said in Amanda's body. Suddenly I realized something and turned to Lanny in my body. "Unless you'll let me have my body back."
Lanny in my body straightened up nervously.
"Come on, Lanny," I said in Amanda's body. "Didn't you say you didn't really care whose body you were in?"
"I . . . I did," Lanny in my body admitted. "But . . . there's a limit."
"Let me guess," I groaned in Amanda's body. "The limit stops just short of being Amanda Gluck?"
Lanny nodded my head. "Sorry, Jake, you're a nice kid, and I'd like to help you, but if that was the last body on Earth I think I'd rather switch with my dog."
"Funny you should mention that," Josh muttered.
"Josh," I said in Amanda Gluck's body. "You're
one of my two best friends in the whole world. You'll still be my friend even if I'm in this body, right?"
"Uh . . ." Josh hesitated. "Maybe three days a year."
"I know!" Principal Blanco said. "One would be Halloween."
"Right," said Josh.
"And April Fools' Day?" said Barry.
Josh nodded. "Good guess."
"What's the third day?" asked Mr. Dirksen. "Thanksgiving Day," said Josh.
"Why Thanksgiving?" asked Principal Blanco.
"Because we always go away," said Josh.
I bowed Amanda's head in despair. It was hopeless. Lanny wouldn't give me my body back. Amanda Gluck would spend the rest of her life as the most beautiful woman in the world (could you blame her?). And I was doomed.
Help! I'm Trapped in a Supermodel's Body Page 6
