He was grateful for the liturgy, the order, and the way in which
Scripture and music were used in the service. He found himself
contemplating his life and the steps that led him to the beautiful woman who held his hand throughout the service.
Christmas was a celebration of birth — one birth in particular.
All around him he saw babies and children: the manger scene at the front of the church, the banners and stained glass windows, and the glowing skin of the pregnant woman who was seated across the aisle.
In one brief moment, Gabriel realized that he regretted his ster-
ilization, not just for himself and the fact that he was no longer able to father a child, but also for Julianne. He imagined lying in bed with a very pregnant Julia and placing his hand on her stomach in order to feel their child kick. He thought about holding their infant son in his arms, shocked by the array of dark hair on his head.
His imaginings startled him. They marked a shift in character
and priority, away from the guilt and selfishness that had marked
his life up until the reappearance of his Beatrice. A shift toward the permanence of a commitment to a woman with whom he wanted to
create a family, with whom he wanted to create a child. His love for Julianne had changed him in multiple ways. He hadn’t been aware
of how dramatic the changes were until he gazed at the pregnant
stranger with a kind of wistful envy.
Those were the thoughts that occupied his mind as he held Ju-
lianne’s hand until it was time to participate in the Eucharist. He was the only one in the family pew who didn’t stand and file to the center aisle in order to walk to the communion rail.
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There was something comforting about church, he thought. Al-
though he found the overall experience, especially the homily, con-victing. He had wasted a good deal of his life — years that he could never get back.
He hadn’t told Grace the things he’d wanted to tell her before
she died. He hadn’t treated Paulina or Julianne with the dignity that they deserved. He hadn’t treated any of the women with whom he’d
been involved with respect.
In thinking of Paulina, Gabriel tore his eyes away from the dark
haired woman in the pretty plum dress and hung his head, praying
almost unconsciously for forgiveness and also for guidance. He was walking a tightrope, he knew, between taking responsibility for his past indiscretions and eliminating Paulina’s dependence on him. He prayed that she would be able to find someone who would love her
and help her put the past behind her.
Gabriel was so deep in prayer that he didn’t notice his family
squeeze past him to retake their seats, or Julia’s warm hand snake through the crook at his elbow, pressing herself soothingly to his side. And he didn’t notice the moment in the service, just before
the benediction, when his father broke down into silent, shoulder-
shaking tears, and Rachel placed her arm around him, leaning her
blond head to his shoulder.
The Kingdom of Heaven is like a family, thought Julia, as she watched Rachel and Scott hug their father. Where love and forgiveness replace tears and suffering.
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Chapter 11
After lunch, Rachel marshaled her family into helping her prepare
the large turkey dinner. Julia spoke briefly to Tom on the phone,
exacting his promise that he would arrive around three o’clock in
order to participate in the gift exchange, then she and Rachel parked themselves in the kitchen to peel apples for a pair of pies.
Rachel had cheated and bought the pastry, but had removed it
from its Pillsbury packaging and placed it in between layers of plastic wrap in the refrigerator so no one would know.
“Hey, pretty girls.” Scott entered the kitchen, wearing an overly
large grin, and began rummaging in the fridge.
“What has you so happy?” asked his sister, peeling an apple.
“The Christmas season.” He chuckled as Rachel stuck her tongue
out at him.
“I hear you met someone,” prompted Julia.
Scott began assembling a plate of leftovers, ignoring her comment.
Rachel was about to reprove her brother for his bad manners
when the telephone rang. She answered it, disappearing into the
dining room when she discovered it was her future mother-in-law.
Scott turned around immediately and gave Julia an apologetic
look. “Her name is Tammy. I’m not ready for everyone to give her
the third degree.”
“I understand.” Julia gave him a small smile and returned to the
apple she was peeling.
“She has a kid,” he blurted. He leaned his large body back against the counter, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
Julia put her paring knife down. “Oh.”
Sylvain Reynard
“He’s three months old. They live with her parents. She couldn’t
come without him because she’s breastfeeding.” Scott’s voice was low, just above a whisper, and his eyes kept traveling to the doorway that led to the living room.
“When you introduce her to your family, you should bring him
too. They’ll welcome both of them.”
“I’m not so sure.” Scott looked very uncomfortable.
“They’ll be happy to have a baby around. Rachel and I will fight
over him.”
“What would you think if your son came home with a girlfriend
who was a single mother? And the baby belonged to another guy?”
“Your parents adopted Gabriel. I don’t think your dad would
object.” Julia exhaled slowly, giving Scott a searching look. “Unless your girlfriend is married.”
“What? No! Her ex-boyfriend left her when she was pregnant.
We’ve been friends for a while.” He ran his fingers through his hair, pulling on it so it almost stood straight on end. “I’m worried my Dad will think it’s weird for me to be dating a woman with a newborn.”
Julia pointed in the direction of the manger scene that was dis-
played under the Christmas tree in the next room.
“Joseph and Mary had a similar story.”
Scott looked at her as if she’d sprouted a second head.
Then he chuckled, turning back to his sandwich. “That’s a good
point, Jules. I’ll have to remember that.”
P
Later that afternoon, the family gathered around the Christmas
tree to open gifts. The Clarks were a generous family, and there were lots of presents, some serious, some in jest. Julia and her father each received their fair share.
When everyone was admiring their gifts and drinking egg nog,
Rachel plunked the last present on Gabriel’s lap. “This arrived for you this morning.”
“Who is it from?” He eyed it in confusion.
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“I don’t know.”
Gabriel gave Julia a hopeful look, but she shook her head.
Eager to uncover the mystery, he began to rip off the wrapping
paper. He slid his fingers in between the cover of the white box and its bottom, separating the two, lifted the lid of the box carefully, and peeled back the layers of white tissue paper.
Before anyone could see what he’d uncovered, he shoved the box
aside, springing to his feet. Without a word, he strode quickly to the back door, slamming it behind him.
“What was it?” Scott’s voice broke the silence.
Aaron, who witnessed what had just transpired from the hallway,
entered the room. “I bet it’s from his ex. I’d lay
money on it.”
Julia stumbled to the kitchen and across the back porch, follow-
ing her lover’s retreating form.
“Gabriel? Gabriel! Wait.”
Large, fat snowflakes fell like feathers from the sky, blanketing
the grass and trees in cold whiteness. She shivered.
“Gabriel!”
He disappeared into the woods without a backward glance.
She hastened her pace. If she lost sight of him she’d have to
return to the house. She wouldn’t risk being lost in the woods again without a coat. Or a map.
She began to panic, remembering her recurrent nightmare about
being trapped in the woods, alone. “Gabriel! Slow down.”
Pushing her way into the trees, she traveled a few feet before she saw him, pausing in front of a tall pine.
“Go back to the house.” The arctic tone of his voice matched
the falling snow.
“I’m not leaving you.”
She walked a few more steps. At the sound of her approach, he
turned around. He was clad in a suit and tie, wearing expensive Italian shoes that were now ruined.
One of her high heels caught on a branch, and she pitched for-
ward, breaking her fall by clinging to the trunk of a tree.
Gabriel was at her side in an instant. “Go back to the house
before you get hurt.”
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“No.”
Her hair was long and curling over her shoulders, arms now
crossed in front of her chest because of the cold. A light dusting of white covered her head and her plum dress.
She looked like a snow angel — a figure one might find in a fairy
tale or a snow globe, the dancing flakes hovering around her like
friends. He was reminded of the time he surprised her in his library carrel and a ream of paper had been tossed into the air, falling all around her.
“Beautiful.” He was momentarily distracted by the sight of her.
The warmth of his mouth caused his words to form clouds in the
air between them.
She held out her pink and naked hand. “Come back with me.”
“She’s never going to let me go.”
“Who?”
“Paulina.”
“She needs to start a new life. She needs your help.”
“Help?” He glared at her. “You want me to help her? After she got on her knees and tried to take my pants down?”
“What?”
He clenched his teeth, cursing his own stupidity. “Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me!”
“It was a desperate attempt by a desperate woman.”
“Did you say no?”
“Of course! What do you take me for?” His eyes flamed a dan-
gerous blue.
“Were you surprised?”
A muscle jumped in his jaw. “No.”
Julia closed her hands so tightly her nails dug into her palms.
“Why?”
Gabriel glanced at the trees behind her, unwilling to answer her
question.
“Why weren’t you surprised?” she repeated, her voice growing
louder.
“Because this is what she does.”
“Does or did?”
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“What’s the difference?” he snapped.
Julia’s eyes narrowed. “If I have to explain it to you, then we are more damaged than I thought.”
He didn’t want to answer her. His recalcitrance was telegraphed
by his eyes, his face, even his body.
She gave him a piercing stare.
Gabriel’s eyes flickered over her shoulder, into the distance, al-
most as if he were looking for an escape. Then he looked at her again.
“She’d show up on occasion and we’d…” His voice trailed off.
Julia felt ill. She screwed her eyes shut. “When I asked if Paulina was your mistress, you said no.”
“She was never my mistress.”
Julia’s eyes flew open. “Don’t play word games with me! Especially about your fuck buddies.”
He ground his teeth together. “That’s beneath you, Julianne.”
She laughed without amusement. “Oh, yes. It’s beneath me to
tell the truth. But you can lie through your teeth!”
“I never lied to you about Paulina.”
“Yes, you did. No wonder you were so angry when I called her
your fuck buddy in the Dante seminar. I was right.” Julia gave him a shattered look. “Were you with her in your bed? In the bed we
slept in together?”
Gabriel lowered his eyes.
She began to back away from him. “I am so angry with you right
now, I don’t know what to say.”
“I’m sorry.”
“That isn’t good enough,” she called, walking away from him.
“When was the last time you slept with her?”
He followed her quickly, reaching out to grasp her arm.
“Don’t touch me!” She pulled back, stumbling over a tree root.
Gabriel caught her before she fell. “Just wait a minute, okay?
Give me a chance to explain.” Satisfied that she was on surer footing, he released her.
“When I met you in September, things with Paulina had ended.
I hadn’t been with her since last December, when I told her that we needed to stop once and for all.”
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“You led me to believe that you ended things with her at Harvard.
Do you have any idea how much this hurts? Do you have any idea
how stupid this makes me feel? She traipses into your parents’ house as if she belongs there — as if I’m the fuck buddy. And no wonder!
You’ve been sleeping with her for years.”
Gabriel shifted his shoes in the snow. “I was trying to protect you.”
“Tread very carefully, Gabriel. Tread very, very carefully.”
He froze. He’d never heard her use that tone before. All at once,
he felt himself losing her. The mere idea was crippling.
He began speaking very quickly. “We only saw each other once
or twice a year. As I said, I haven’t been with her since last December.”
He ran his fingers through his hair. “Did you expect me to catalogue each and every sexual encounter I’ve ever had? I told you I had a past.”
Gabriel’s eyes met hers. He held her gaze, taking a tenuous step
forward.
“Do you remember the night I told you about Maia?”
“Yes.”
“You told me I could find forgiveness. I wanted to believe you.
I thought if I told you how I gave in to Paulina again and again, I’d lose you.” He cleared his throat. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Are you lying to me now?”
“No.”
Her expression was skeptical. “Do you love her?”
“Of course not.” He took another cautious step in her direction,
but she held her hand up.
“So you slept with her for years — after you made a child with
her and she had a nervous breakdown — but you didn’t love her?”
His lips thinned. “No.”
He saw tears shimmering in her big, dark eyes and watched as
she fought them, her pretty face marred with sadness. He closed the distance between them, removing his suit jacket and tenderly placing it around her shoulders.
“You’ll catch pneumonia. You should go back to the house.”
She clutched his jacket, bringing the lapels up to her neck.
“She was Maia’s mother,” Julia whispered. “And look how you
treated her.”
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Gabriel’s Rapture
Gabriel stiffened. Maia’s mother.
Julia and Gabriel stood silently, noticing briefly that the snow
had ceased falling.
“When were you going to tell me?”
Gabriel hesitated, his heart beating a furious tattoo in his chest.
He wasn’t entirely sure what he would say until the words escaped
his lips.
“I wasn’t.”
She turned around and began to walk in the direction she thought
would lead back to the house.
“Julia, wait!” He came after her, tugging at her arm.
“I told you not to touch me!” She pulled her arm back, glaring
at him furiously.
“You made it clear that you didn’t want to know the details of
what I was like before we met. You said you forgave me.”
“I did.”
“You knew I was lustful,” he reproved her, softly.
“Clearly, I thought there were limits.”
Gabriel recoiled, for her remark had cut him. “I deserved that,”
he said, the temperature of his voice rivaling that of the snow on the ground. “I didn’t tell you everything and I should have.”
“Was the Christmas gift from her?”
“Yes.”
“What was it?”
Gabriel’s shoulders slumped. “An ultrasound picture.”
Julia inhaled roughly, making a wheezing sound as the bracing
winter air filled her lungs. “Why would she do such a thing?”
“Paulina assumes I’ve kept everything secret. She’s right, of course, when it comes to my siblings. But she assumes I haven’t told you.
This was her way of ensuring I did.”
“You used her.” Julia’s teeth began chattering. “No wonder she
won’t let you go. You fed her with scraps, like a dog. Would you
treat me like that?”
“Never. I know that I treated Paulina abominably. But that doesn’t give her the right to hurt you. You’re innocent in all of this.”
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“You misled me.”
“Yes. Yes, I did. Can you forgive me?”
Julia was quiet for a moment, rubbing her hands together against
the cold. “Have you ever asked Paulina to forgive you?”
Gabriel shook his head.
“You toyed with her heart. I know what that’s like. I can have
compassion for her because of that.”
“I met you first,” he whispered.
“That doesn’t give you license to be cruel.” Julia coughed a little as the cold air burned her throat.
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