by Misti Murphy
“I needed to get away from the testosterone. There’s far too much of it at Tom’s house. You can practically smell it.” I pinch my nose, for mock hilarity.
“Well there’s none of that around here.” She scrambles over and pats the bed beside her.
“What part of the world is your mother travelling these days?” I cross to the bed and stretch out beside her.
“She’s in Europe at the moment. She only comes back here long enough to repack. Now that we girls are old enough to look after ourselves she deserves to see the world.”
“One day I hope that will be us.” I roll onto my side, which is when I notice how puffy and red her eyes are.
And she notices mine. “So what’s going on at Tom’s?”
“Boys,” I say. “Mace went all He-Man, protecting my virtue. You?”
“Allergies,” she mumbles.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Nothing to worry about.” She gives me a weak smile. “The antihistamines are helping.”
“I’m going home tomorrow,” I say.
“Time to get back to the real world?”
“Yeah, I guess.” There are still posters of Bieber and Cyrus on her ceiling, intermingled with those glow in the dark stars from when we were in high school. I can’t believe she still has them.
She turns on her side, resting a hand under her cheek. “You haven’t told me how it went? Did you get to tick Razer off your bucket list?”
“Something like that,” I say. “He’s off tomorrow, too. Mace is staying, though.”
“That’s just what I need,” she complains. For as long as I can remember, she and Mace have only managed to get along for short periods of time.
“You’ll be fine.” I grin. “He can be…” I search for the word. “Overbearing.”
“An ass.” She laughs.
“That too. But you probably won’t see much of him.”
“I probably will. Tommy replaced you as best friend while you were gone.”
“That’s good,” I say. “He’ll need that. He’s going through some shit.”
“Don’t you worry. I’ll look after him. Can’t say the same for Mace, the miserable bastard.”
I glance at my watch “Wow. Time ran out fast on you two getting along this time.”
Sniffling, she reaches for a tissue. “Eh, we can’t all get along with everyone. Real life isn’t meant to be roses and sunshine all the time. It’s meant to suck ass.”
“Don’t it just?” I thought the life I had before I came home to Reverence was what I wanted. That I was content with what I had, and happy to hide pieces of myself away. But I wasn’t happy, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be happy again. Not if Razer’s about to disappear out of my life permanently.
Razer
The door closes with a soft click, and I open my eyes to the dark of the room. There’s only a sliver of color filtering between the blinds through which I can make out her form as she hesitates at the door. “You took a while,” I say, as she slips across the room. “I was wondering when you were going to come back.”
She jumps at the sound of my voice, halts for a moment before padding over to switch on the lamp beside her bed. Her eyes widen as she stares at my face. “Oh God, Raze. You’re a mess.”
“Trust me, it looks worse than it feels.” I capture her hand and lace our fingers together, pulling her down on the edge of the mattress.
“Really? Because it looks terrible.” She winces as she touches one of the less tender bruises on my jaw. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry.” Sitting up against the headboard, I cup the back of her neck and pull her forward to linger over her lips. “I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”
“Would you?” She touches my chest tentatively, slowly, and crawls up to straddle me. I don’t know whether she’s just scared of hurting me or if that lingering shadow in her gaze is something more. Each finger curled into my chest feels like a hook, keeping me anchored to the woman I don’t want to live without.
“For you.” I brush her hair back and cup the base of her throat. “Yeah. I just might.”
She lets out a shaky breath. “I might have cost you everything.”
“It’s better that they know.” I nibble her lips. My own sting from the contact, but the ache of not having her mouth on mine would be far worse. “I’m glad we’re not hiding anymore.”
“Do you think they will ever come around? Do you think Mace will forgive you?”
“Maybe,” I say. “I hope so.” Stroking my hand down her chest. My face might be out of action tonight, but I need to touch her, feel her warm flesh on mine and know what’s happened hasn’t ruined us. “Undress for me?”
“But you’re hurt,” she says, dropping her gaze between us. “Because of me.”
“Listen.” I grab a fistful of her hair, tilt her head back. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Do you understand?”
She swallows, her throat tensing with the movement, and I think she’s going to argue with me.
“No. This time I’m right, sugar,” I tell her, stroking my fingers along the inside of her thigh. “Now undo those buttons. I need to get my hands on you.”
She nods, her fingers moving to the buttons on the front of her dress, slowly undoing each one while I stare into her eyes. I watch her pupils dilate as I press a feather light touch to her clit through her panties. Her sharp intake of breath causes a guttural response of my own. I’m rock hard underneath her, slipping my fingers under the silky material to feel how wet she is while she shrugs the dress off her shoulders and unclips her bra.
“Are you sure?” she asks. “You’re hurt.”
“I’ll hurt far worse if I don’t get inside you.” I put my mouth on her tits, sucking at each nipple until they peak from the attention.
She’s grasping my shoulders, rising up and down on my lap and rubbing her pussy against my hardness, until I think I might explode from the pressure. “I want you to cum in me, Raze.”
I stroke her hair back from her face, to whisper in her ear, “Take off your panties, sugar. I’ll get a condom.”
“No.” She captures my hand to cup it to her face as she grinds into me. “I mean I want you to cum inside me, bare.”
Shit. It’s almost enough to make me shoot my load, just thinking about how she will feel around me. So much hotter and wetter. Her sex gripping me without anything between us. “God, Claire.” I groan. “We have to use protection.”
“I’m on the pill. Have been since I was thirteen. Needed it for regulation.”
“I don’t think I’d last, pumping into you naked,” I graze on her collarbone, feel the warm ridge of her throat, her fluttery pulse, and the soft line of her jaw under my lips.
“You’re clean, right? You get checked out?” She hooks a finger into her panties, tugging them to the side as she presses the head of my cock to her entrance.
“Yeah. I’m clean.” I can barely get the words out, watching where she’s joining us together. “And I’ve never…”
She chuckles. “This is a first for both of us. We’re just a couple of virgins.”
She slides onto me, with no hesitation, taking me all the way to the hilt. And it feels so much better than I could ever imagine. My chest expands so much, it clogs my throat and I can barely breathe with how perfect it is to be with her like this. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, like this.
I’d known it before. There was something indefinable about how I feel about her, until now. Not that I love her any more or less than I always have, but the way I love her has changed. What she is to me now. I’ll follow her to the ends of the earth for as long as she’ll have me.
My arms wrapped around her, we move silently. All lingering caresses and the soft, wet slap of her riding my cock, until she’s panting, her whimpers bursting through harsh breaths, and when she climaxes, it triggers a rush so intense, the heavy weight of my balls tightens, draws up, and I cum inside her, filling her with my s
eed as I swear an oath into her shoulder.
She lays down beside me, and I scoop her into the ring of my arms. Holding her, because it’s all I want to do. Until she’s no longer breathing hard, her body no longer twitching from the strength of her orgasm.
Then I tell her. “I won’t be here when you wake up.”
“You’re leaving? You weren’t going to tell me?”
“I’m telling you now.” I kiss the top of her head. “Mace is right, about me. I never stick around for more than a couple of weeks.”
I’m about to tell her, it’s because those girls weren’t her. That those violet eyes of hers ruined me for any other woman long before we got together. That I’m going to move out to the block, camp out there for as long as she’s in town. That I’ll follow her wherever she needs to go, until she’s ready to settle down. That I’m building a house. For her.
“It’s okay,” she says. “I’m leaving, too. Don’t feel guilty if you don’t keep in touch. This thing between us was fun, but I don’t think we should try to continue it. It’ll be too complicated, too hard.”
“Claire, sugar.” I grind out the words between clenched teeth. “That wasn’t what I was saying.”
“It’s what I’m saying.” She’s rigid in my arms, her pulse pounding under my hand across her chest. “I got what I wanted.”
I rear back, letting her go. “You used me? For what? To take your virginity? To get over the shit with that asshole? You practically destroy my relationship with Mace for a fuck?”
“Something like that.” She smiles.
She actually fucking smiles, and I have never been so pissed off in my life. If it wasn’t her, if she wasn’t a girl, I’d be hard pressed not to smack her right now. This girl isn’t my Claire. Pulling up my pants I stumble off the bed. I don’t even know what to say to her right now. Don’t know what to think about anything. “If that’s what you want.”
Chapter Sixteen
Claire
Tom leans in the doorway, staring at the bag on my bed. The one I’m hastily packing interspersed with texting Olivia about last minute details for the ball. “Leaving, Little Bit?”
“Uh-huh.” I keep my gaze glued to my phone while I wad up the T-shirt Razer gave me. “Real life keeps calling, texting, and emailing. I can’t keep working from here. Olivia’s about to have some kind of stroke. And I need to meet with my lawyer.”
“Are you going to say goodbye to Mace and Razer before you go?” He crosses the room, running his fingers over the clothes I’ve still got strewn over the bed. I didn’t bring a big enough bag to fit everything.
“Mace can go to hell,” I say, tossing my toothbrush into the tote and yanking at the zip. Tom probably has a bag big enough to fit the rest of my stuff in, but I don’t really have the time to finish packing. Besides leaving it here gives him a reason to come visit soon, and I think I’m going to need his support when things with House to Haven slow down. “Can you bring the rest of this stuff if you come down for the ball?”
“Do you really want to tell your brother to go to hell?”
I stop tossing everything I’m leaving behind into a pile to stare at him, and exhale. “No. I’m not going to tell Mace to go to hell. But I’m so damn angry at him.”
“What about Razer?” He sits on the bed, and plucks at his pant leg. “Are you going to say goodbye to him?”
“No.” I wince. After what I said last night, I don’t think he’ll ever speak to me again. I want to take it back, tell him I’m not going to let him walk away from what I’m sure we both feel. That Mace isn’t right about him, about us. But I blew it in a moment of panic. The expression on his face sits in the forefront of my mind, creating a constant, stinging pressure behind my eyes. “No, I’m not.”
“Why?”
“Do you see him here?” I glance around. “Did you see him this morning? Because I haven’t.”
“I haven’t, but…” Tom shrugs and scratches his elbow.
“No,” I snap, but Tom doesn’t deserve me taking out my anger and frustration on him. “Just no.” I say softly. “He told me he was leaving.” I sink onto the mattress beside him and he squeezes my shoulders. “What do you think it means that he didn’t even say goodbye?”
“Maybe you should wait around,” he says. “Maybe he’ll come back.”
I want to. I could probably sit here forever waiting for him to come back. “I’ve got an appointment with my lawyer. I’ve left everything to the last possible minute. I can’t put things off any longer.”
“Another half hour?” he asks. “I’ll make you a whole pot of coffee and you can sweeten it until your teeth hurt.”
I glance at my phone. “Okay, half an hour.” It isn’t too long to wait for the man I would give forever.
It’s the longest half an hour of my life while I sit with Tom in his kitchen, guzzling the coffee he made for me. Every time a car passes, or Lucky’s ears prick, I stare at the door, but he never comes through it.
“So what are you going to do about your baby momma?” I ask Tom, trying to distract myself. This half hour feels like forever.
“I don’t know.” He shrugs. “I don’t even understand how it happened.”
“Well…” I grin. “When two people…”
“Oh, shut up.” He chuckles. “I mean I’ve always been safe.”
“Condoms break,” I say. “Nothing in life is certain but death and dishes.”
“Apparently.” He takes my empty cup and dumps it in the sink. “I guess time’s up, huh?”
“I guess so.” My chest aches, and I slide off the stool to step into his hug. “I don’t want to go back.”
“But you have to. For now, anyway. Do you think maybe you’d consider moving back here? Mace is.”
“Mace is what?” Mace says, coming into the kitchen. “You’re leaving, sis?”
“Have you seen Raze?” I ask him. “I thought he’d still be here. I thought…”
Mace narrows his gaze and grinds his teeth. “I told you he wouldn’t stick around.”
“If you know where he is,” Tom says, “you better tell her.”
Mace crosses the room to pick me up in a bear hug. “I’m not sure. I haven’t seen him. Sorry, Little Bit.”
“Well that’s that then.” I pick up my bags, and the three of us walk to my car. I find myself glancing around, drawing out my steps. Anything to give Razer a little longer, holding onto the belief that when he told me we’d never go back to being completely out of each other’s lives even if we aren’t together, he’d meant it. I don’t want to leave without telling him that I didn’t mean what I said last night, that it wasn’t just about losing my virginity. That when he said he was leaving it broke me inside, because it felt like everything Mace had said was true. That it felt like the end, and I couldn’t go home hoping there was more than we’ve had. Not if it already hurts like this. I don’t want to prolong that for either of us. But I guess it’s clear how he feels about me. I don’t want to admit it, even in my head, but Mace is right. And all I’ve managed to do is destroy our family and fall so much harder.
With one last hug for the two of them, I get in my Bug and head home. The tears come as they did on the ride out to Reverence, but this time they mean something. They aren’t built of shock or worry, but the deep down agony that accompanies the knowledge that I’ll always love a man I shouldn’t.
Razer
Tom and I sit at the bar, watching a fight on the overhead TVs while we wait for Mace to come out from his meeting with Robert Long. He seems pretty serious about this security gig.
“So what are you going to do?” Tom asks, not taking his gaze from the TV.
It’s a good question. One I don’t know the answer to. Before I came back to Reverence, I had it all figured out, but that was before Claire blew through my life. I pick up a coaster and study it. Apparently the word Gambrinous means being full of beer. Who the hell would want to know that? “Think I’ll head to Lanston and see about tha
t job. Not much point in sticking around here.”
Mace returns from his meeting and places a round of beers in front of us. “Well, it looks like I’m staying.”
“You came to an arrangement then?” Tom asks.
“Yeah, and I was thinking about what you said about those self-defence classes, too.” He turns to me. “I think you should consider sticking around.”
It took him a few days to settle down over the worst of it, then Tom told him to suck it up for the sake of family and ask me to move back in. He’s still working on getting over it completely. Too bad it doesn’t matter now.
“After you kicked my ass? You should probably be the one teaching people how to defend themselves.”
“Yeah, but you let me beat the shit out of you. Didn’t even bother to throw a punch.”
“I was in the wrong and I knew it.”
“I didn’t mean half the shit I said.” He tosses back his beer. “You know we’re still brothers.”
“Because I’m not seeing your sister anymore.”
“No.” He laughs loudly. “I was shocked you finally had the guts to try something, but I’m not an idiot. You’ve still got her letters in the bottom of your duffel, I bet. Carry them everywhere still?”
“You knew about that?”
“So how many letters did you write back and never send?”
Hundreds. More than I should have. More than I wanted to.
“‘Dearest Claire,” Mace mocks me in a singsong tone. “I wish I could write you and tell you why I don’t respond anymore. That I shipped my heart home to you long ago, and didn’t even realize it until I saw you again. The way I feel about you…’” He laughs. “It kind of makes me want to puke.”
“You read my fucking letters?” He’d known all along how I felt about his sister and never said anything? If I could go back to our fight, I’d knock him on his ass.
“She’s my little sister and you’re my best fucking friend.” He shrugs, leaning back on his stool. “She’d write me and beg me for news of you since you weren’t writing her anymore. Only you were. So I was going to send her your letters, until I saw what was in them. I figured you’d gotten over it at some point. Then I saw you together. And I was pissed, thinking you’d knocked her up. I took it too far.”
