“But if I had done something sooner. If I had just done something sooner, then maybe…”
Emma caressed his cheek. “You will never know the answer to that question, Colin, so now you must figure out how to forgive yourself.”
“There is no forgiveness for what I’ve done,” Colin assured her.
“Of course there is. God forgives everyone. All you have to do is ask it of him.” Emma said. He wished he could believe her, but…
There were too many men who died because of him. So many families were missing their loved ones because of his failure to make the right choice. God would never forgive him. He would banish him to hell and that’s no less than what he deserved.
He looked away from Emma’s beautiful face and stared at one of the church’s stained glass windows. It just so happened to be the one that showed God’s ultimate sacrifice. The death of Christ on the cross.
He understood what Emma was trying to say, but she didn’t understand what the deaths of all those men had done to his soul. And, how could she? She wasn’t there to see the blank stares of death on his men that seemed fixed on him as he raced through the battlefield trying to save what few he could. But he had been too late.
“What are you thinking, Colin?” Emma placed her hand on his arm to gain his attention, instead it was the catalyst he needed.
“Emma, I’m not staying and there’s nothing you can say that will change my mind.” There, he’d said it. Now, maybe she would stop making this decision so hard on him.
Emma's soft gaze caressed his face. “Not even if I tell you I love you?”
Chapter 18
Emma watched the flash of surprise on Colin’s face slowly morph into quiet agony. She had her answer. Before he said a word, she knew he had made his decision and he hadn’t chosen her.
She had tried everything she could to convince Colin to stay in Angel Creek where his family—and she—could help him heal. She had even told him she loved him, but it wasn’t enough. No, she wasn’t enough.
It hurt when he turned his gaze away from her, but the words he said broke her heart. “Go home, Emma. Go back to my brother’s house, find a nice man—“
She heard his voice break with emotion. “Find a man who will treat you like you deserve to be treated, have a dozen babies, and…be happy.”
She had to convince him he was wrong. “But, Colin, we—“
“There is no ‘we’ Emma. There is no future for us, because there is no future for me. You must accept that. Now, please go home, before someone discovers you here alone with me, and your reputation is ruined beyond repair.”
He refused to look at her. Instead, he rose to his feet, unlocked the church’s back door, and stepped out into the faint pre-dawn light, leaving her alone in the quiet solitude of the church. Tears slid down her cheeks and she sent up a prayer to God. “Dear God in Heaven, please touch Colin’s heart. Show him a sign that Your love is real, and you are willing to forgive him if he will only ask you to. Please. Ease his troubled mind and make him see that he was not to blame for the deaths of those men. He needs a Christmas miracle, Lord. We both could use a Christmas miracle because there is a ‘we’. If you could just touch his heart. Open his eyes, Lord. He can’t see a future for us because his pain is blinding him to it. Please, show him the way."
Emma stood and followed Colin’s lead. She stepped outside and into the crisp dawn air. The glow of first light illuminated the tops of dark green pines to the east. It was a glorious sight and it reminded her that every day was a fresh start. She cast another hopeful look to the awakening dawn sky. “Lord, take pity on me because I’m the fool that fell in love with the man who doesn’t think he’s worthy of that love.”
Brokenhearted, Emma picked her way across the frozen mud and headed home. She knew she owed Sarah and Quinn an explanation for not returning to let them know she’d found Colin. But she was afraid if she had done so, he wouldn’t have stayed. Whether she had or hadn’t told them was no longer relevant because in spite of her efforts, Colin was leaving.
She made her way home and stepped inside the warm cozy home and mourned for what she could have had with Colin.
“Oh my goodness, Emma. I was worried sick about you. When you didn’t come home last night, I had Quinn searching everywhere for you. Where on earth have you been?” Sarah rushed to her side and pulled Emma’s cold hands into her warm ones rubbing them together to bring warmth to them.
“I’m sorry. With everything else you have to worry about, I don’t want you to worry about me.”
“Nonsense. Of course, I’m going to worry about you. Where were you?”
“I was…at the church all night,” Emma said as if it explained everything.
Sarah’s brow wrinkled in confusion. “The church?”
“Yes, I found Colin there.”
“In the church?” Sarah’s surprised look at hearing her brother-in-law was spending the night in a church would have been funny if Emma wasn’t so sad.
“Yes, I think he went there to spend the night, but then I showed up and spent the rest of the night trying to convince him what happened in the war wasn’t his fault. I told him even if he couldn’t forgive himself, God could.”
“Where is he now?” Sarah asked.
Emma’s tears burned her eyes. “I don’t know.”
“Is he coming back?”
“No. He isn’t. Not even after…” Emma’s voice trailed off.
“Even after?” Sarah’s worried gaze searched Emma’s face for answers. “Emma, what did you do?”
“I told him that I loved him.” Emma’s emotions broke and she bowed her head and sobbed into her hands.
“Oh, Emma. And what was his response to that?”
“He said that I should go find a man who would love me the way I deserved to be loved.” Emma barely held back a sob.
“I see.” Sarah pulled Emma into a warm embrace. “Please don’t cry. Perhaps if Quinn went after him and talked to him—“
“No. Absolutely not. I don’t want Colin held captive and made to love me. I want him to want to choose to love me. And he doesn’t. It seems I was mistaken about God’s purpose for my life. I’m a fool.” Emma sobbed.
“You’re not a fool. You’re a kind-hearted soul who dared to care for a broken man. It isn’t an easy road, that much is certain. Come, let me make you some hot tea.”
Emma wiped at her tears. “I thought when I left Charleston and came to Angel Creek, I had left all my sorrows and tears behind. Apparently, they followed me here.” She tried not to sound bitter, but she was running low on hope right about now.
“I know it seems that way now, but God always has a plan. Sometimes, we just can’t understand what that plan is, but it will reveal itself in time.” Sarah gave her one last hug. “Now how about that tea? Or perhaps hot chocolate? That always makes me feel a bit better when I’m having a hard time.”
Emma nodded in agreement. She was exhausted from staying up all night with Colin. He’d made his decision and there was nothing else she could do or say to persuade him otherwise…not even her profession of love for him could change his mind. Now, she just had to make peace with it and move on. “On second thought, if you don’t mind, I’m going to lie down for a few hours. It was a long, long night.”
“You rest as long as you like, Emma. There’s nothing that needs to be done today that can’t wait until tomorrow. Now, go. I’ll keep the baby downstairs with me, and Becca can go to her friend, Charlotte’s house.”
“Thank you, Sarah. And, I’m sorry—truly sorry that…” She paused to gain control of her runaway emotions. “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to help Colin. I thought for certain he was my purpose, but I guess from the look of things—he wasn’t.”
“Don’t be so quick to give up on him just yet, Emma. If it’s the Lord’s will for Colin to stay, then he will touch his heart and Colin will stay,” Sarah said. Emma was amazed at how sure she sounded. She wished she had as much faith as Sarah
did.
Colin hated like hell to say goodbye to Emma, but he wasn’t going to drag her down into his abyss of pain and suffering. She was a good person. A beautiful person both inside and out, and she deserved better than to be with the likes of him. And, it didn’t matter that he had fallen in love with her. At least, that’s what he was trying to convince himself of.
He was still amazed that any feelings of that magnitude were even possible for him. He hadn’t allowed himself to feel anything in the last year and the fact he could feel something—anything—was a miracle in itself.
When he had left Emma in the church, he had headed to the stables. He didn’t want to have another run-in with his brother, but he needed some sleep and that was the only other place he thought he might could get some rest. And, as soon as the bank opened in the morning, he would buy a horse from the stable’s owner and ride out of town as soon as possible.
He wanted to avoid saying goodbye to Quinn, but more than that, he didn’t want to see Emma. He wasn’t sure he had the courage to deny his feelings for her again.
He would hurry to the bank as soon as it opened and withdraw some of the funds Quinn had transferred to him from their family’s estate. It turns out he and his brother were wealthy men since everyone in their family was gone but them. Too bad he didn’t give a crap about the money. It was the kind of thing that would have made most men deliriously happy, but he knew from experience that there were things much more important than money. Like life. And family.
He had known about the money for a couple of weeks now. Quinn told him on the trip up the river, even though he hadn’t been in the mood to listen at the time.
Colin stepped inside the dark interior of the stables. “Hello? Anybody here?”
He heard the whiny of a horse in a stall somewhere toward the back of the building. “Hello? Is anybody here?” He called out again.
“Hold yer horses, I’m here.” An older man, slight of build came toward him. He had a pitchfork in his hand. “How can I help ya, mister?” the man asked.
“I need to buy a horse and tack if you’ve got it to spare,” Colin said.
“Yeah, I got one or two I can let go…for a price. Cash money, that is. Don’t do no credit here.” The man spit tobacco on the stable floor.
“I have money. I just have to wait for the bank to open.”
“Then you’ll have to wait for the horse ’til then.”
Colin knew he wouldn’t get the horse on credit, so he’d been prepared for the owner’s answer. “I expected as much.” He wanted to stay out of sight as much as possible until he could ride out of town. “Would you mind if I grabbed a couple of winks in a back stall somewhere? I’ve had a rough night and I just need a few hours of sleep. Then I’ll be out from under your feet.”
The man looked him up and down. “You ain’t wanted or nothin’ are ya? The sheriff ain’t lookin’ for you, is he? ‘Cause if he is, I ain’t gonna hide you none.”
Colin didn’t want to tell the man Quinn was his brother and he didn’t want to tell the man Quinn wasn’t looking for him because he probably was, so he kept his reply short. “If the law’s looking for me, it’s not because I’ve done anything wrong.”
The man studied him for a minute and then nodded. “There’s an empty stall back down there just past the big-boned bay horse on yer left. There’s clean straw and I’ll find ya a blanket you can use. Be back in a minute.” The man disappeared in the direction he had come leaving Colin to find his way to his temporary bed.
The bay horse stuck a curious nose over the stall to nuzzle him. “Hey there, friend. Hope your morning is going better than mine.” The horse nodded his head up and down as if he understood.
Soon, the man returned with two wool blankets. “Here ya go, son. Put one down over the straw and you can cover with the other.”
“Thank you, Mr…”
“Folks ‘round here call me, Willie.” He spit again.
Colin clutched the two blankets to his chest and extended his hand. “I’m Colin. Thank you, Willie, for your help. I appreciate it.”
Willie took his hand and squeezed it in a handshake. “Happy to meet ya, son. Looks like maybe you fell on hard times by the looks of things. I been there myself a time or two. Don’t mind helpin' a feller out.”
“Thank you, Willie.” Colin didn’t know what else to say.
“Well, I’ll let you get a quick wink or two before the bank opens. Ain’t no hurry about leavin’ so sleep as long as ya want.” The man spit at the dirt again and left Colin alone.
He spread the blanket out over the straw then crawled on top of it covering himself with the other one. It was chilly in the barn but not as cold as Colin would have thought. He guessed Willie must've had a stove going somewhere.
Colin snuggled deep between the blankets. Soon, his exhaustion overtook him and he slipped into a troubled sleep where visions of dying men clawed and scratched at his subconscious until they were chased away by a warm, bright light. And in the middle of that welcoming light was a beautiful laughing woman with clear blue eyes looking up at him. “I love you, Colin.” He heard her say.
A calmness fell upon his restless spirit and for the first time in a long time, Colin slept.
Chapter 19
Emma awoke three hours later. Her body was exhausted, and her eyes were swollen and red from her earlier tears. Sadness poked at her consciousness forcing her to acknowledge that Colin was leaving town…leaving her.
How could she get it through that stubborn head of his that she loved him, and she would do just about anything to keep him from leaving? Wait.
Emma sat straight up and stared at the wall opposite her bed. Anything. She repeated the thought out loud. “I would do anything to keep him from leaving.” Would she…do anything?
She thought about what she was contemplating and the consequences. If things went wrong, she would pay a high price. Her reputation would be ruined, and she would have no chance of finding a suitable husband. And, since she couldn’t return to Charleston, what would she do if…no, she wouldn’t allow herself to even consider failure.
Emma had to act quickly. The only way Colin could leave Angel Creek was by stage or by horse. The stagecoach wouldn’t leave for another three hours so that left a horse and there was only one place to buy a horse in Angel Creek and that is from Willie at the livery stable. He couldn’t buy a horse without money and the only place he could get the kind of money he needed was at the bank. And it opened at ten o’clock. Fifteen minutes. It was all the time she had to find Colin and convince him to take her with him. If he refused, then she would buy her own horse and follow him until he grew tired of her shadow.
She packed her bags taking all of her belongings and stuffing them in a satchel. Would she find him in the stables? She was almost certain of it. Soon, she was ready to go.
Emma gathered her belongings and closed her bedroom door to leave. She just hoped her friend wouldn’t judge her too harshly.
Sarah was coming up the stairs with the baby when Emma rounded the second story landing. “Hi, Emma, did you have a good rest?” Sarah stopped midway up the stairs, shifting the baby in her arms. “Are you going somewhere?” Sarah frowned at the bags in Emma’s hands.
“I did have a good rest and yes, I am planning on going somewhere.” Emma hesitated. “Sarah, there’s something I need to tell you and I’m afraid you aren’t going to like it.”
“What is it? You know I’ll do my best to understand.”
“I do hope so. You and Quinn have been so kind to take me in. I would never do anything to take advantage of that generosity…” Emma’s voice trailed off.
“But? I hear a but in there.” Sarah said. “Come with me to the baby’s room so I can change his diaper. Then you can tell me what's troubling you so much and where you are planning to go."
Emma turned and led the way down the hall to the baby’s room. She stood aside while Sarah placed Colin in the crib and began to remove his cloth
ing. “Okay, tell me what’s troubling you and let’s see if we can fix it.”
Emma nodded and took a deep breath. “I’m leaving…with Colin.”
Sarah turned around, her eyes rounded in shock. You’re leaving with Colin? but I don’t understand.”
“I love him and I’m not willing to let him succeed in destroying his life. Not if I can save him.”
Sarah turned back to the task of diapering her son. Emma could tell her mind was a whirlwind of questions, but she remained quiet until she was finished. She settled her son and covered him with a blanket. Then, she turned to Emma. “What are you thinking, Emma? Why would you make a decision like that? Colin is…troubled far more than we could have imagined.”
“I know that. That’s why I have to go with him.”
“Are you saying you know where he’s going? I thought you told me he didn’t want…” Sarah didn’t finish her sentence, but Emma knew what she wasn’t saying.
“He didn’t want me after I told him I loved him. I know what he said, but I saw the way he looked at me when he left the church this morning. It was a look of a man torn between his guilt and his feelings for me. He said that I deserved better than someone like him. But I don’t deserve better. I deserve the best and I’ve seen Colin’s true self…his heart…his soul. He’s a good man, Sarah. Every bit as good as Quinn and I can’t let him go off alone. I can’t let him destroy himself because he thinks he’s done something so heinous and unforgivable that the people he loves will be better off if he’s dead.”
“But Emma, you don’t know where he’s going. You don’t even know where he is right this minute. And despite what you think about Colin’s feelings for you, I’m afraid you may be mistaken, after all, you and he have only known each other…”
“A short time? I know that, and at first, I questioned whether or not a person could fall in love with someone they barely knew. But that’s just it, Sarah, it’s like I’ve known Colin much longer. It’s as if he and I are connected somehow.”
Emma Page 11
