by Lilly Wilder
“Yeah, but sometimes I wish things didn’t have to change as much as they did. I’m amazed that you want to go back to the Lagoon after what happened the other night. Did you enjoy it that much?”
I blushed a little. I hadn’t told anyone else the real reason why I was so adamant on going back to the club. “I mean, it wasn’t the best night ever, but you were right, in that it helped shake my life up and, maybe, that’s something I could use. Being out around all those people, reminded me how big the world is. Not every man can be like Andy. There have to be some good ones out there.”
“Like the two handsome bouncers who saved you, for instance?” Jennifer asked, with twinkling eyes.
“For instance,” I replied, sheepishly, although a teasing smile crept across my face.
“I’m impressed. I didn’t think they’d catch your attention. You usually go for the brains, not the muscles. What was different about these guys?”
“There’s something about them. It’s not just that they saved me, which I’m grateful for, but when I left, I found that I wanted to spend more time with them, and I can’t remember the last time I felt this way about anyone, or anything. I just…I want to see them again, to make sure that I understand this feeling inside. I want to make sure that it’s not just some fleeting thing that I’ve made up, because I’m sad and lonely, or just transference, from the fact that they saved me. I wish I could explain it properly, but I can’t.”
“That’s good!” Jennifer exclaimed.
“It is?” I blinked and frowned.
“Yes! For once you’re just feeling things, rather than trying to make sense of them. Your problem is, and I don’t really blame you for this, but you’re trying to apply logic to something that isn’t logical. Love, and attraction, and sex aren’t supposed to be anything you can understand. They’re meant to be mysterious and elusive. If you can understand it, then you’re doing it wrong, so the fact that you’re feeling your way by instinct is a big improvement.”
“Even though my instinct has gotten me in trouble before?”
“You learn from your mistakes. Maybe you picked up on some subtle body clues that give you a subconscious feeling about them, or you’re just getting better at judging men.”
“Maybe.”
“But the point is, you don’t have to figure out why you feel that way, just go with the flow and see what happens. And there are two of them? Deep down I always knew you were a saucy minx.”
My mouth dropped open, as I hadn’t even considered that possibility. My mind didn’t work in that way. “I’d never do that with…with both of them!” I protested. Jennifer gave me a sly smile and narrowed her eyes, acting as though she didn’t believe me. Sometimes she acted as though she knew me better than I knew myself, but this time I knew she was wrong…at least I thought she was.
“So if you’re not going to do that…is there one you prefer?”
I leaned back in my chair and pondered the question. “I don’t really know. I mean, Dalton did most of the talking, so he’s the obvious choice, but there was something about Rick that was so…primal. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered anyone who has been so raw in their emotions before, but most of all I just want to get to know them. They were so kind to me and they seem to have this bond that goes really deep. I want to know what caused it. I just want to see them again, that’s all.”
“It’s okay,” Jennifer held up her hands, “you don’t have to justify yourself to me. They seem like better men than your usual anyway, and more interesting. I’d like to meet them as well, perhaps you can introduce me to the one you don’t go for.”
I didn’t know if Jennifer was joking or not, but when she mentioned that, I was filled with a sudden flare of jealousy. I loved Jennifer, but there were times when I just wanted some things to myself, and this was one of those times. Rick and Dalton were their own world, and I wanted to get lost in orbit of them. Perhaps she was right and I was a little naughtier than I imagined…there were plenty of things in life that I still had to explore, and some aspects of sex was one of them. I hadn’t even been truly spoiled in the bedroom and I suppose while my natural inclination was to think that sex always had to be between two people, there were no rules suggesting otherwise.
Whether I was the kind of woman to go through with that myself, I didn’t dare to speculate. I doubted it though, for it was difficult enough to work up the courage to see them again, let alone share my body with them. It was one of those times when I felt as though my body was at odds with my mind, because as I thought about the illicit desire of sharing my body with the two men, I was filled with a flare of arousal, one that I quickly decided to quell, for fear it would take on a life of its own and get me into more trouble than I could handle.
Chapter Five
My second visit to the Blue Lagoon, was filled with just as much anxiety as the first had been, but this time for different reasons. I got ready by myself this time, although I tried to keep in mind what Jennifer had told me about how to dress for the occasion. I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of the night, but I did want to make a good impression on the two men, so I wore something that I thought would entice and excite them. It helped me feel pretty too, and that was something I hadn’t felt for a long time. I chose a blue dress that came down in a V shape across my chest, hooking up at the back of my neck. It left my back exposed, and I had to do some work to make sure that my breasts wouldn’t slip out, but it covered everything well and it looked elegant. It wasn’t something I would have normally worn, so I had to thank Jennifer for leaving a few things behind. I spent more time on my hair and makeup than I usually did, and I teased myself for making comparisons with getting ready for a date. I didn’t want to put my expectations too high, for fear they would only crash down. I had experienced too many lows in life to believe that this was going to work out how I wanted it to, and that I meant anything more to these men than a passing fancy.
But, this new attitude was a part of the new me. I was going to try to take opportunities when they presented themselves to me and take chances that I normally wouldn’t have taken. I wanted to do things that I never would have done when I was with Andy, in the hope that it would lead me down a different path, rather than making the same mistakes again. One thing I knew I wasn’t going to do, was try to connect with a random guy. Jennifer had been a little ambitious when she tried to seed that plan in my mind, and I knew it wasn’t really for me, I had just been swept away in the moment. Somehow Howie, like Andy before him, had sensed that something about me made me vulnerable. I wondered what it was, because if I knew then I would be able to change it, or at least hide it.
I figured if I acted differently, then maybe the vibe I gave off would be different too. I wanted to break free of my old self and find some way to be new.
*
When I approached the Blue Lagoon, I felt a swell of panic inside me, but instead of surrendering to it, I continued to strut forward and shook the anxiety out of my head. I told myself that I was going to be alright, that nothing bad was going to happen. It helped that I had been there before, but, even so, my eyes still darted around to make sure that Howie wasn’t there, even though I knew if he was smart, he would take the threat of Rick and Dalton seriously.
My eyes lit up when I saw the two of them standing at the entrance, doing their duty as gatekeepers. I waited for the others to arrive and then made me way forward, flashing a smile at Rick and Dalton as I passed them.
“Hey, how are you doing?” I said, in a sultry voice.
“We’re just fine, please don’t hold up the line,” Dalton said. His voice was cool, without any of the affection that had been present when we’d first met, and I was stunned. The color drained from my face as I walked into the Blue Lagoon, wondering if I’d completely misread what had happened the previous week. It was like he didn’t recognize me, but I hadn’t done my hair that differently. All the excitement of the night evaporated in one instant and
there wasn’t anything I could do to get it back. I looked downcast, as I got myself a drink and moved onto the dance floor.
The entire night had been about finding out more about Rick and Dalton, but that mission had failed before it had even begun, and I had no idea why. I thought back to everything I’d said, the way I’d acted, and I wondered if I had been mistaken. Maybe they were just treating me like the girl who needed to be saved. Maybe they had just been polite. Now that I thought about it, they had gotten rid of my pretty quick, maybe that was a sign that everything I thought had been a mistake. I cringed with embarrassment at it all, at how foolish I had been to think that two men like them would be interested in me when all they’d been doing was their job. I was an idiot, and I would have been tempted to leave the club there and then, had it not been for the fact that the entry fee was quite expensive and I didn’t want people gossiping about why I had left so early. Plus, I’d have to walk by Rick and Dalton on the way out and I didn’t want them to see my shame, that’s if they even noticed I left.
Instead, I miserably swayed on the dance floor, and sighed, as the minutes ticked by. The place had lost its allure now, and I didn’t see anything interesting around me. The people looked much the same as the previous week, although, they may well have been different. I kept looking at the entrance, hoping that either Rick or Dalton would come in and apologize for the way they had so brusquely greeted me, but it was not to be. There were a steady stream of strangers entering, and they all blurred together in one disappointing line.
I found that clubbing wasn’t as much fun without Jennifer there. The other people from the office were fine, but I found myself longing for the comfort of my bed, or some good company who I knew I could trust. Perhaps I had made too many changes in a short amount of time and I had overreached, maybe it was too much too soon and I shouldn’t have tried to change all of this.
While on the dance floor, I felt arms creeping around me again, but this time I pushed them away, not in the mood to sink into the warmth and passion of a dance. I had failed in my mission and my confidence had been knocked, plus I didn’t want a repeat of Howie. There seemed to be more ardent men on this night, and it might have been a difference in my dress or in the way I carried myself, but there was certainly a different effect. Sadly, it was not the attention of the men I wanted, or the effect I wanted, and when I felt I had endured enough time of this misery, I decided to make a hasty exit. I waved goodbye to a few people and retreated, before they could try and get me to stay.
The line at the door had dwindled and I hoped that I wouldn’t have to suffer the embarrassment of another awkward interaction from Rick and Dalton. I passed by the secret room and I wondered if there was anyone inside, before I left, walking briskly past the gatekeepers.
“Aren’t you going to stop and say hi?” Dalton asked. I froze, then spun on my heels and glared at him. I walked up to him, my shoes clacking against the sidewalk, and jabbed a finger in the air.
“What was that about earlier? Why did you ignore me?”
Dalton’s expression was still nonchalant. I wondered if anything disturbed him.
“I’m sorry about that. We were just under pressure to get everyone in and I didn’t want to get into trouble. Sadly, we’re at the whims of management and they’ve got a right stick up their ass at the moment.” Rick came wandering over, just as Dalton said this, and I caught a surreptitious glance between the two of them, although I wasn’t sure what it meant.
“Well, it wasn’t very nice,” I said in a humph, folding my arms across my chest. I know that, given my size, I can’t have been too intimidating, especially to them, but I wanted to show them that I was annoyed. A smirk tugged at Dalton’s mouth and this frustrated me even more.
“Let me make it up to you. I know this place that does some great late night pancakes. Wait here for a little bit and I’ll sort out cover for my break,” Dalton said.
Before I had a chance to accept his offer, he was already walking inside the club, and I was left with Rick. I felt a little awkward, because Rick was acting as though he didn’t want me there. I didn’t know if that was true, or if that was just the way he was. Either way, I felt uncomfortable.
“Have you had any trouble tonight?” I asked, hoping that by breaking the silence I might also ease the tension. It didn’t work. He only grunted a reply and looked away from me. I wondered what I had done to offend him so. I wasn’t a vain person, but it did trouble me greatly, whenever I found out somebody didn’t like me. As far as I was concerned, I was a harmless individual who didn’t wish any harm on anyone, so what reason could people have to dislike me? Especially when they didn’t even know me, but I didn’t feel like trying to convince Rick. He didn’t seem like a man who was easily convinced.
Moments later, Dalton came back wearing a black leather jacket. Another man followed him and took his position beside Rick.
“I’ll be back in a little while,” he said. Rick pursed his lips and nodded, without saying anything. I fell into step with Dalton, who expected me to, and we walked along the sidewalk past the closed shops, to one that had its lights on. It was a small pinprick, that grew closer as we walked along and, unlike the previous week when I had walked with Howie, I didn’t feel like everything was going to go wrong.
“I’m not sure Rick likes me,” I said.
“Rick doesn’t like anyone,” Dalton laughed, and then his tone grew a little more serious. “No, he’s just got a lot on his mind at the moment. I wouldn’t take it personally.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“I’m sorry for ignoring you tonight. I didn’t mean to make you feel like you didn’t matter.”
“I guess you had a job to do,” I said, although it had cast a shadow across the night, not that I was going to tell him that he could have that much influence over my mood. The more we spoke, the more relaxed I felt in his company. He had an easy way of speaking and I didn’t feel under pressure to say the right thing.
“Unfortunately, yes. But this place will make it up to you, I promise.” I got the sense that he wasn’t the type of man to make promises lightly, so my expectations were high.
When we reached the diner, there were a few people milling about the entrance, and they parted as we stepped in. I had a feeling that most people parted for Dalton. He was such a physically impressive man and took up so much room. I had always struggled with having to sneak past crowds because most people didn’t notice me. I had always been described in my youth as a mouse, and I’d always hated that description. Why couldn’t I have been something more like a lion?
The diner was a small place, very idyllic, as though it had been plucked from a movie about 50’s Americana. The smell of cooked eggs, bacon, and pancakes filled the air. We sat at a table with a red and white checked tablecloth. I grabbed a menu, but Dalton took it away and shook his head, as a red-haired waitress called Dotty approached us and poured out coffee that was as thick as syrup, into a couple of mugs.
“We’ll have my usual,” Dalton said. Dotty flashed him a smile and returned to the kitchen.
“You come here a lot?” I asked.
“Whenever I have a break. I usually come here with Rick.”
“So what’s going on with him?”
Dalton looked out of the window and uncertainty flickered across his face. “Oh, it’s just some family stuff. Probably the same kind of thing that everyone is struggling with at the moment. How are you doing by the way, after last week? Did you patch things up with your friend?”
“Oh, yeah,” I said in a blasé tone. “We’re always snapping at each other like that. It was just worse last week because she’d just gotten a promotion that I wanted and I was feeling bitter about it, but then I learned that I’d never really been in the running anyway, because the bosses at work don’t think I have the right attitude to succeed.”
“No?”
“No,” I huffed, “apparently I’m not determined or tenacious en
ough. It’s like they’ve just written me off before they can see what I’ve got to offer. So I’m trying to be better at work, but it’s exhausting. By the end of the day I barely feel like I’ve accomplished anything, even though I’ve been buzzing around without stopping.”
“Maybe you’re just not in the right job. Isn’t there something else you can do, where they appreciate you?”
“I don’t know,” I squirmed in my seat, “I’m not sure I’m in the right frame of mind to start a new job now. It was a big enough deal to even come to the Blue Lagoon, because it’s not the kind of thing I’m used to doing.”
“What are you used to doing?”
I never usually knew how to answer questions like these. Getting to know a new person made you see yourself in a different light, usually in a bad one. When I told him my list of hobbies, I felt entirely inadequate, because all they consisted of was reading and watching different types of movies, as well as a little bit of crafting. I didn’t live a high-adrenaline life, and eventually, I trailed off.
“There doesn’t sound anything wrong with that to me,” Dalton said.
“No?”
“It sounds relaxing at least. But you know, maybe you’re just not in the right job, if they can’t appreciate what you have to offer, or maybe the job doesn’t give you the opportunity to be who you were meant to be.”
“And who do you think I’m meant to be?” I asked. Dalton’s mouth dropped open and it was the first time I had seen him flustered. Up until that point I hadn’t even considered it a possibility, as he was so calm and collected. He didn’t answer though, for Dotty returned with two stacks of pancakes dripping with golden syrup, with a glaze of chocolate sauce and colorful fruit peppered around the sides. Dalton grinned and tucked in. I took a tentative mouthful and enjoyed the sweetness that exploded in my mouth.
“Was I right, or was I right?” he asked.
