by Lilly Wilder
During the film I felt the strong urge to be closer to him. It was as though I had approached a precipice and was ready to fling myself off into the unknown, but I was held back by an invisible tether. All I had to do was twitch my fingers, but thoughts rolled around in my mind and I couldn’t help but be afraid of moving too quickly, of taking too big a risk, of feeling him pull away, just as I reached out to him.
In the end, I didn’t need to. Dalton’s hand took mind, confident and assured. I smiled, as delight washed over me, and breathed in deeply, loving the feeling of how his huge hand enveloped mine. When he squeezed my hand it sent a shiver through me, and I couldn’t concentrate on the rest of the film at all.
*
When the credits rolled and the lights came up, making the darkness recede, I was afraid that Dalton would take away his hand and this magical moment had only existed within the intimacy of the cinema, but Dalton kept hold of my hand and we made our way outside, blinking at the sunlight that seemed more vibrant than when we had entered.
“So what do you usually do after you see a film?” he asked.
“I usually just go home,” I said.
“Don’t you like talking about it?”
“I do, but usually I come to the cinema by myself.”
“Oh. I’ve not heard of many people doing that. Come on, let’s go and grab a drink.”
He led me down the street to a bar that was alive with the soft murmur of chatter. He ordered himself a beer, while I had some wine, feeling as though I should get something a little more adult than orange juice. We settled into a small table tucked away in the corner.
“It’s not as weird as you think,” I said defensively.
“I never said it was. There’s no judgment here. You do what you have to do, it’s not like you’re hurting anyone.”
“No, it’s just that a lot of people look at me strangely when I tell them, and I’ve never understood why. People watch films at home alone, all the time, and it’s not like you can talk to your friends during a movie anyway.” He seemed amused by my tone and I stopped myself from going into a full on rant, changing the subject by asking him what he thought about the movie. We discussed it for a while and I found him to have some engaging opinions, that made me view some aspects of the film in a different way.
“This is much better than when I manage to drag Jennifer to see a film. Half the time she never pays attention,” I said. Dalton inclined his head and thanked me for the compliment, and soon enough the conversation turned to other matters. I was pleased that we’d picked up from the last time we’d met; there was no awkwardness and, even when there were moments of silence, they were comfortable, where we could simply enjoy the company of each other.
“I was interested in something you said at the diner; you mentioned that your father got wind of a rumor that he became obsessed with. What was that?” Dalton asked. I was a little disappointed that he wanted to ask about my parents again, because, quite frankly, I didn’t consider them to be a part of my life anymore. The way I saw it they had always held me back and never put my well-being above their ideals. Childhood had been a nightmare, not because of anything I had done, but all because of the way they chose to make us live. I often wondered what I would have been like had I been able to make friends more easily. And, usually, the more I revealed about my parents, the stranger people thought me.
“Do you promise you won’t laugh?”
“I’ll try,” Dalton said, and then followed it up by saying that he would take it seriously.
“My dad was always into strange and mysterious things. He was convinced that there were conspiracies all over the place, and that there were plenty of things hidden from us. The books he wanted to write always dealt with lost civilizations or the hidden secrets of the world, and it only got worse as he got older. He never trusted conventional wisdom, even though he could never give me a solid reason why he believed that things were being covered up. Whenever he heard the whisper of a new rumor, he latched onto it like a hawk and searched as much as he could. Most of them were strange little conspiracy theories, but then, one day, he got wind of this story that he seemed convinced was real.”
“What was it?”
I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to give as much preamble as possible, because I hated even saying the words to anyone, lest they think me insane.
“You know how, in our mythology, there are supernatural creatures who can shift into different things, like werewolves?” I asked. Dalton nodded. “Well, Dad heard reports that there were lion shifters living in the country and he was transfixed by them. He started to read up on every scrap of information he could and said that discovering them was going to be the greatest achievement of his career. He said he wanted to make the discovery so that he could write a book about them and that was going to be his magnum opus, that it was exactly what he had been waiting for and it felt as though this was his purpose. Mom even started doing some paintings of men shifting into lions and the two of them became obsessed.”
“But you didn’t?”
“Unlike them, I live in the real world,” I sneered. “But look. Whatever. They had this little obsession, and nothing was going to stop them from going after the truth, but I certainly wasn’t going to get mixed up in it. And given that Dad still hasn’t published his book, I’m pretty sure they’re just on a wild goose chase.”
“So you don’t think there’s any truth to it at all?”
I looked at him strangely. “Of course not!” I scoffed. “I don’t know what got into Dad’s head, and I have no idea why Mom would be so stupid as to go along with him, but it’s completely ridiculous. They’re just off in their own world, and more power to them if they can be happy, but it’s not something I wanted to be a part of. I know this sounds bad, but I was actually happy when they went, because they took their crazy with them.”
“Wouldn’t you ever want to see them again?”
“Sure, if they dialed their ridiculousness back. I just don’t want that to be a part of my life. I mean, come on, I don’t know what my Dad found, but if it was that convincing it would have been bigger news.”
“What do you think you’d do if you found out that he was right?”
I stared at him blankly, mystified why he’d even suggest such a thing, but I put it down to his sense of humor. He was probably just teasing me.
“There’s no chance in hell that Dad was right about this, come on, men who shift into lions? That’s just ridiculous and I’m not going to give him the satisfaction of indulging his fantasies. Anyway, I’ve told you about it and I’d prefer not to speak about it again. I’m sorry for snapping, but it’s something of a sore point.”
“I can tell,” Dalton said, taking a sip of his beer. “I’m sorry for pressing, I just find it interesting that these things can exist in the world. But then again, I didn’t have parents who took their interest in them to unhealthy levels of obsession.”
“No, I suppose you didn’t.” It was then that I realized I had no idea what his parents were like. I asked him about them and he became a little reluctant to speak. He twisted his body in his seat and took a long draught of his beer.
“I suppose you could say they’re very traditional. In some ways, I suppose, you could say they’re the opposite to your parents. They’re quite rigid and they didn’t much like the idea of me leaving my home to come to the city.”
“Why did you come, if you like nature so much?”
Dalton smiled, knowingly, aware of the contradiction. “I like the atmosphere of nature, but it can be pretty lonely at times, as well. Part of me wanted to meet someone special, I suppose, and I knew that the chances of that happening would increase, outside of my small social circle. Plus, I never much cared for the rules that my parents tried to enforce. I still get back there, from time to time, and I don’t think they’ve ever forgiven me for leaving. It’s the same with Rick.”
“Is tha
t why he’s worried at the moment? Is it tension to do with his family?”
“You might say that,” Dalton said, his brow furrowed with concern. “I guess we’re just trying to take care of our parents, without sacrificing what’s important to our lives. It’s a delicate balancing act. You wouldn’t know it to look at him, but Rick is a sensitive soul and he’s just worried.”
“Are they alright? They’re not ill or anything are they?”
“I think they will be okay, but it’s not really my place to say. Rick is a private person and he’d rather I not discuss this with you. It’s nothing personal, he’s just likes to keep these things to himself.”
“Well, I hope it goes okay,” I said, and tried to picture the world in which Dalton and Rick had grown up. I could imagine it was in some kind of farmhouse where they worked and toiled on the land, day after day, building up their impressive physiques and their stamina. They were disciplined, and had an easy way about them, because life surrounded by nature was relaxing and serene; even though the work was hard it was satisfying, and when they took a break they could look to the horizon and sigh in happiness at the sight of the golden sun, unlike in the city where everywhere you looked there was someone stressed out, and stress was infectious. I decided not to ask Dalton any more about his upbringing, because I liked the scenario I’d formed. I could easily imagine he and Rick tending a farm, their shirtless, sweat-slicked bodies glistening in the summer’s heat, and then perhaps I’d appear too, coming outside wearing a floral dress carrying a tray of ice cold lemonade.
I felt as though talking about our families had raised some tension that I didn’t like the feeling of and I didn’t want it to last. I finished my glass of wine and hoped that the turn the conversation had made hadn’t tainted my charm, it was just that whenever my parents were mentioned a switch was flipped inside me and I couldn’t quell the deep feelings that rose within. As much as Andy had hurt me, the wounds my parents had caused were far deeper and had lasted longer, as though they had been branded into my soul. I loved them, for they were my parents and had given me life, but ever since then, they had only caused me anguish.
I didn’t tell Dalton the entire truth of my father’s obsession with these lion shifters. He plastered articles all over the walls and had piles of books that he used to leaf through to try and glean one morsel of information. I still remember the neon glow of the post it notes that he had stuck in the books at random intervals. Once, I had gone through them to see if there was anything serious, but the books were filled with small printed, long winded sentences that made my head spin. They were all musty, as well, and I wondered if anyone had read them other than my father. They didn’t strike me as popular fiction.
He’d also had a map up on the wall and marked where reported sightings of these lion shifters had been. He and Mom had gone on a journey to these landmarks. I remembered the time when they had asked me if I wanted to join them, but I turned my nose up. It wasn’t as though they were going to any famous landmarks and it was perhaps the first time that I saw my parents as other people had seen them. When I was younger, other kids had always made fun of my parents and the way they had chosen to live their lives. I had always been ashamed of the way that I, too, had resented them for it, because it wasn’t as though they were causing anyone harm, they just wanted to live by their own rules. However, when Dad got obsessed with this lion story, I saw how deep their obsession went and how destructive it could be. I saw how they were willing to throw away their lives for this fantasy they had and I was genuinely angry at them for not trying harder to be a part of the world, because, as cruel and monotonous as it could be, the world still held much wonder in it, and plenty of opportunity.
My parents, as far as I knew, had never tried to live normally in the world. They had clung to their ideals, as though these things were the only genuine objects in a world filled with deception, and I often wondered how they had formed that opinion, because my view of the world was entirely different. I had entered the work force and I enjoyed my job, because it enabled me to have a bit of self-autonomy and independence. I found that I was good at saving money, as well, and this frugal nature was one of the few things that I was grateful to my parents for, although Jennifer would say that I was too frugal for my own good and needed to loosen my purse strings a little, once in a while.
I remembered too the paintings my Mom had made when Dad had filled her head with these facts as well. Before the lions, Mom would paint all kinds of things; beautiful expansive landscapes, intricate abstract patterns, and portraits that brought out the true essence of the person posing for her. Then the lions came and, suddenly, every one of her canvases were filled with depictions of the golden animals in all manner of landscapes. Sometimes she even did interpretations of what she thought a shifting lion would look like, and I always found myself oddly fascinated by these, although I wouldn’t admit it to my parents in case they tried to convert me into their strange cult.
Then they left, and I was alone. I had no idea if I even wanted to see them again, because I knew they would have only gone even deeper into their obsession and I didn’t want to be bombarded with their tales of how close they had come. Frankly, I was surprised they hadn’t returned home with their tails between their legs yet, but, knowing them, they had found something on the road to interest them. I was glad of the letters though, just to know that they were out there somewhere.
*
With the glasses empty, I think Dalton and I both knew that our date was coming to an end. Thinking of my parents had certainly cast a shadow over the date and I felt bad for that. I knew it was my own fault and I shouldn’t have let them have this effect on me, but it was an ingrained reaction and I wanted to make it up to Dalton, so before we left I apologized to him for ruining the atmosphere of the date.
“But I promise I’ll make it up to you,” I said, “why don’t you come round mine for dinner?”
“I’d love to,” Dalton replied, and we made arrangements for him to come over a few nights later. Even though the date had been tainted by the talk of my parents it had ended on a happy note, and I was hopeful that the third date would be even better; I just had to make sure my apartment was tidy enough.
*
“I can’t believe you talked about your parents!” Jennifer exclaimed, when I told her about the date. I’d been walking around with a big grin on my face ever since I had my second date with Dalton. I wanted to brag about my happiness, since this kind of thing didn’t happen often to me. I, actually, even liked the fact that people at work were gossiping about my romance with the bouncer, as it felt as though I was the main event, rather than just looking in from the outside for a change. However, I certainly wasn’t going to give them any more information than I thought they needed, for the sake of my own privacy, so I came into Jennifer’s office and was glad that walls separated us from the rest of our colleagues.
They had also teased me about coming with them to the Blue Lagoon again, but I had no desire to go there any longer. It had served its purpose, and to go to Dalton’s place of work, without any warning, seemed like one step away from stalking.
“I didn’t mean to, but the subject just came up and I couldn’t very well say they were dead.”
“You’ve told that lie to other people.”
“I know…” I put my head in my hands, “but with Dalton it’s different. I don’t want to lie to him.”
“Did he freak out?”
“No, actually he was quite calm about it and even wondered if they couldn’t be right.”
“That’s a red flag right there,” Jennifer said. I rolled my eyes.
“It’s not a red flag at all and it’s not enough to put me off. In fact, he’s coming over for dinner soon.”
“No way! Look at you broadening your horizons and getting out there.”
“I know, it’s scary.”
“You’ll be fine,” Jennifer gave me a reassuring smile. “Just
remember to go with the flow and everything will happen naturally. I’m happy that you’re finally breaking your dry spell, because it’s been going on for far too long.”
“Hey, you don’t know that I’m going to go that far with him. It’s just dinner.”
Jennifer narrowed her eyes and spoke in a low, sultry tone. “It’s never ‘just dinner’,” she said with a wicked smile. She always found it so easy to be sexy. And, to be fair, she had a point. It wasn’t as though the thought of sleeping with Dalton hadn’t crossed my mind, I just didn’t want to make too many plans inside my head, in case they all fell by the wayside. After all of the disappointments I had suffered, the last thing I needed was to get my hopes up for something that wasn’t going to happen.
But, on the night of the date, I did find that I was pampering myself, just in case we conjured some magic. I plucked every errant hair from my body and lingered in the bath, once dinner was cooking. I chose to make him some simple chicken pasta, with my own twist on the makeup of the dish. I came out smelling of lavender and wore a comfortable, yet chic, dress. Since I wasn’t going to the Blue Lagoon, I wasn’t wearing anything skimpy, rather this dress was long and flowed all the way down to my ankles. It hung on my shoulders with two thin straps and I wore my hair up, exposing my slender neck. I wore a simple silver band around my neck and some glittering earrings. As I waited for Dalton to arrive the nerves inside me rose and I found myself anxiously cleaning the place; readjusting cushions and checking the sides for specks of dust to keep myself busy. I was so focused on my distractions, that when the buzzer sounded, I almost leapt out of my skin.
I waited by the door. This time Dalton wore a cream-colored shirt and black pants. The air was immediately filled with the scent of his aftershave and, when he kissed me on the cheek, I felt myself go weak at the knees again. Inviting him into my home was something that I hadn’t considered doing for a man, until Dalton had come along. When I looked at him I saw something so irresistible I couldn’t explain it, I just knew I wanted him in my life for as long as possible.
