by Pepper Pace
Robin looked down. She did know that her mother loved her enough to say things that she should let go. It was hard to be conscious of how thankful she should be when her mother was beating her over the head with the same topic for the millionth time! Still, she understood what Belinda was saying.
Belinda stared at her seeming to read each of her thoughts and a mirthless smile crossed her lips. “I grew up in foster care. I knew I could unseal my records and find out about my birth mother and whether or not I had siblings once I turned eighteen. So…” Belinda shrugged, “When I was a kid I never did things that kids did. I just waited. I waited until I was old enough to find my mother.”
Belinda didn’t ask permission, she dug into her purse for a cigarette. She did, at least, move to the window, opening it as she sat cross legged beneath it. Staring outside, she took a long puff before continuing.
“My foster mother was big; tall like me. Scary, too. I went to live with her when I was ten. She was a widow and had a daughter older than me and I also had a foster sister, Lisa. Lisa is a year younger than me and she went to live there first. She was real quiet,” she looked at Robin briefly, “she kind of reminds me of you. We had to sleep in the basement, not the kind of basement that’s a family room or an extra addition. No, it was just a cement floor, exposed beams and cement block walls. We had cots by the furnace and a chest of drawers that we shared. Not that it mattered, we never had any clothes; just shit from Goodwill, and not much to speak of. Wearing clothes from the Goodwill while you’re in High School pretty much seals your fate as a loser. We had freaking…polyester bellbottoms and she wouldn’t let us wear jeans.”
Belinda stood up and held her hand under the ash of her cigarette. She shook it into the toilet and Robin heard her flush. Robin got up quickly and found her a dish to use as an ashtray and Belinda gave her an appreciative nod. She sat back down on the floor by the window and continued her story.
“We slept in the basement, but on the days when the social worker came by we moved upstairs, so twice a month we got to sleep in the real beds. Of course we didn’t get to watch television, but we did get to listen to the radio so that’s all we did, which, I guess is why I like music so much. We just had to come home from school, do our chores and then go downstairs and do our homework. We weren’t allowed to go into the refrigerator or eat any of her food. She made us dinner and that was it. She had all kinds of food but we couldn’t eat it. And I’m not going to lie to you, sometimes we went to bed with our stomachs growling because we only got a little bit to split between us. Fuck, we were the only kids that liked the tuna surprise at school, and I know that we were the only kids that ate every freaking morsel off our trays.” She took another deep drag from the cigarettes. “The only time she ever hit us is when we got caught stealing food, and that only happened once for the both of us. I won’t go into details but we made sure that we never got whipped again. Also, she did have a creepy brother. I’m not saying I ever got molested while I lived there. But I will say that he gave me and Lisa the eye and if he could have…”
Belinda didn’t look at Robin as she talked. She sounded like she was reading a book instead of talking about the horrors of her life. “She had a daughter, right? And her daughter hated us. I mean, this bitch was in her twenties and she was actually acting like she was jealous of us. We couldn’t stand her. But my foster mother thought her shit didn’t stink. And she was always bragging on her; like she was so great because she got knocked up and married the hillbilly that had impregnated her.”
Belinda frowned slightly. “When I turned 18 she kicked me out. And I ain’t kidding you. I came home from school,” She looked at Robin then, “I got held back once, but it wasn’t my fault. I came home and she had my clothes in a garbage bag along with my drawings. And she wouldn’t even let me say bye to Lisa.” Her frown deepened. “I didn’t really have any friends, I didn’t know where to go. I was kind of dumb in the ways of the world. I just slept in my foster mother’s car that night; she didn’t know. Lisa snuck some food out for me and then I went to the social workers to unseal my records.”
Robin was staring at her friend intently as she revealed the story. She went through a rapid succession of emotions from anger to sadness. “What happened?”
“Well the first thing is that I started getting a check from the state. So that was good.” Belinda smiled a little. “Then I got to find out who my mom was.”
Robin prayed that it would be good; that Belinda’s mother was a secret Princess.
“She looked just like me, Robin. It was like looking in the mirror…I mean, she was old; not chronologically but physically. But we had the same exact face. I never…thought I’d see another person with my face.” She smiled broader. “She had a hard life, though. She was a meth user, her teeth had all rotted out.” She grimaced a little. “But she let me move in with her, so I had a place to stay. Then I found out about my brothers. I have three!” Her smile returned. “Sean is sixteen. David is nine and then there is a little one who is just five. His name is Riley. They are all in foster care. Each one that’s born is taken away and put into foster care to adopt. They were each born addicted to meth and with problems. And I can’t see them and they can’t know anything about me or each other until they turn eighteen. I only have two more years before I can meet Sean and I can’t wait! I just hope that he’s okay, you know? Not like me, but better.” Robin nodded.
“Whatever happened to that foster mother and your foster sister, Lisa? And what about your father?”
Belinda squished out the cigarette. “It didn’t work out too well between me and my mother. I tried to help her get cleaned up but she…well you know. So she would steal my money and one day we got into a fight. I’m bigger than her. Once I got away from my foster mother, I just ate everything and…” For the first time her face seemed sad. “I broke her toe. I didn’t mean to.”
“You broke your mother’s toe?”
“Accidentally. And so she kicked me out. I was already in college so I just crashed with friends for a while. I was down on my luck big time. I went to visit Lisa. Our foster mother had kicked her out too, but she was at least prepared. She lived with her boyfriend. They got married and have a kid. I don’t hear from her anymore.” She was silent. “She doesn’t want to remember stuff. I don’t blame her.”
“My mother told me who my father is. He owns a Laundromat and he’s married and old and he’s got like five daughters. So I actually have a pretty big family that I’ve never even met. I called him one day. It took all of my courage but I did. He said for me not to call him anymore.”
Robin gasped.
“It doesn’t matter. I didn’t have any expectations. So anyway…I was watching the news one day and there was a report that some fucked up woman was sitting on the train tracks and was killed. It turned out that it was my birth mother.”
Robin swallowed past the lump in her throat. She looked at the floor and felt her eyes sting.
“I’m not trying…to make you cry. That’s not the reason I’m telling you this.” Robin nodded quickly but still felt the hot tears in her eyes.
“I um…started visiting my foster mother.”
Robin gave her a sharp look. “Why? After all she did to you and Lisa-”
“Because I love her. She’s the only mother I have.”
Robin frowned. “How…? Is she sorry?”
Belinda nodded adamantly. “Yes. That bitch of a daughter never comes by anymore. I’m the only one that visits her. I…do my chores to help her out because her knees have arthritis so bad that I can hear her walking by the popping in her joints. She’s not even old…but her body is suffering and once she said to me that maybe god is punishing her for all the things she did wrong. Then she explained that some of the things she did in the past, she’s sorry for now.”
Robin only had bitter thoughts about the foster mother. She had been placed in a position to help a child and instead she had abused and neglected them. The te
ars continued to sprout in her eyes despite her anger.
“Do you still see her?” Robin asked, the anger evident in her voice as she swiped away her tears.
“Yeah, I saw her a few weeks ago. Robin don’t cry, its okay, because I’m okay.”
She wished that she was more like Belinda. She got through the hard stuff by wearing her armor and that was something that Robin envied.
She squeezed her eyes closed. “I keep thinking…that my father opened his eyes and looked around, and that nobody was there.” Robin began to cry. She had no more to say. That was the crux of her anxiety. Belinda got up and walked over to her and put her arms around her letting her cry it out.
Chapter 24
Jason’s father left soon after agreeing to pay for the surgery. At the door he turned and looked at his son.
“Jason.” He sighed. “I just wanted you to know that I realize that I’ve not been the best person; not the best father, not the best husband. I’m not the person that I used to be.” Jason didn’t respond, his expression didn’t even change and his father continued quickly. “When I say that, it is in no way meant to free me of the responsibility for the past. I just wanted you to know that I’m not trying to…pretend that I wasn’t an asshole.”
After a moment of silence, Chase nodded and left. Jason shut and locked the door. He didn’t want to forgive his father just yet. He just didn’t have forgiveness in him for the years that he wanted a father, a man to do things with, take him places, show him that he was ok, despite the fact that he would never run and never catch a football. Instead, he had a father that condemned him for being someone that wasn’t up to the standards of the big ex-football player. Frankly speaking, he didn’t care anymore and therefore it wasn’t necessary for him to forgive the man.
With that done, Jason checked Yahoo Messenger to see if Sweetheart in Hamilton County was logged in; no she wasn’t. He was reluctant to disturb her. She had one day in which to devote to herself because he knew that even Sunday was the day for church and she had both him and her mother to contend with. Besides, if she did manage to free up some spare time, then he’d let her be the one to call him. Instead, he pulled out his wallet and located the card from Mr. J Edelson.
He and Peter had agreed that since the other’s tongue worked much better in articulating, that he would do the talking. Peter and the girl’s were due to come over at five and if Robin hadn’t contacted him by then he would just break down and call her.
***
“Jason is going to freak when he sees your bruises.” Robin was curled on her couch with a mug of hot tea. Her throat was still sore, as well as her stomach, but the medicine was kicking in and it helped. She didn’t want to even think about what Jason would do. She even thought about wearing turtlenecks for the next few days; but eventually he’d see them so…better to face it now then later.
“I need to get Amberly her car back but if you want I can go with you when you tell him about what happened and Peter can swing by and pick her up from school.” Belinda knew what it would take to diffuse Jason and Robin would not know how to deal with the rage that she was sure to face. Belinda knew rage and she particularly knew Jason’s rage.
With a sigh Robin stood. “No. You guys come over at five. I’ll do this now.”
Belinda nodded and walked slowly to the door. “Are you going to be okay?”
She offered her a weak smile. “I’m okay. It’s just that I don’t know where that anger came from.” The way she blew up at the Elder care facility had scared her. She’d never done anything like that before. It was as if she’d unleashed every pent up, repressed emotion that she’d ever had and directed it at that woman. She shivered. That the man had stopped her before she’d done something more than just threaten her was probably a good thing.
She gave Belinda a hug even though the bigger girl didn’t seem like the hugging type. But she was wrong. Belinda held on to her tightly and Robin was the first to break contact. “Thank you for coming.”
Belinda shrugged and left.
Robin showered. The bruises didn’t hurt until she looked at them and they were ugly. She pulled on a leather jacket over her shirt and jeans and then headed out the door with an overnight bag containing her church clothes. On her way out of the building she picked up the mail and saw a letter from Pinnacle. She opened it on the way to the car and then tossed it on the seat bitterly.
…WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT MRS. LUCILLE BABBS PASSED AWAY…
Robin used her key to let herself in and Jason looked up in pleasure from his studio. He wheeled over to her.
“Hi, babe.” He reached for her hand and tugged her down to his level for a kiss. She smiled.
“Hi.” She leaned forward and gave him a quick kiss without sitting on his lap. She frowned. “Jason. I just got some bad news. Miss Lucille passed away.”
His face crumpled. “Come here babe.” She sat on his lap and he held her close. “I’m so sorry. Oh babe, why didn’t you call me?” her arms were around his neck and she hugged him close. It felt so good to be in his arms. She closed her eyes and felt fresh tears prickling them. Why hadn’t she come here first instead of freaking out at home? She could have been in his soothing arms all of this time.
Jason held her, rubbing her back and speaking soothing words to her.
“I got sick.” She mumbled into his neck.
Jason frowned. “What’s wrong with your voice?” She still had her arms wrapped tightly around his neck. She finally loosened her grip and pulled back from him to look into his eyes. He watched her curiously and then his eyes rested on the bruises on her neck and the side of her chin. She saw his eyes change in just one instant.
His face began to redden and he silently met her eyes. She didn’t think that he could find his voice so she just began talking.
“I went to go visit Miss Lucille and when I found out that she had died…I lost it. I went…crazy on the nurse. I was going to attack her and the guy at the front desk stopped me and tossed me out.”
“A man put this bruise on you?”
She nodded slowly. And then she pulled off her leather jacket and his eyes rested on the bruise on her upper arm. She felt his grip tighten on her waist. “Are you okay?” His voice was calm despite the tight expression on his face.
“Yes.”
“Tell me again, but this time tell me exactly how he touched you.” She sighed, not wanting to do this, but she did. She explained the exchange word for word and the actions blow by blow. Jason was looking at her in amazement.
“You said that?” His thumb rubbed the flesh of her wrist where he was holding her hands.
“I don’t know where that came from, that’s not like me!”
“Do you think that nurse really did murder Miss Lucille?”
Robin let out a long breath. “Probably not. But she…someone could have made her life better.”
Jason’s hands tightened on her hands. “You did, Sweetheart. You did that for her. From what I hear, you changed her, brought her out of her own fantasy world. Isn’t the time you gave her up until her death the most important?”
Robin absorbed his words. “What if she wanted me? What if she called for me?”
Jason hugged her. “You can’t beat yourself up over that.”
“But if I could have just…”
“What? Said goodbye? Had one more day?”
Robin nodded. Jason gave her a grim look. “It still wouldn’t be enough.” She closed her eyes and nodded in agreement. She felt his fingers lightly on her bruised flesh and she opened her eyes. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t there with you, Robin.”
“You’re with me now and that’s the most important part.” She suppressed a yawn, the medicine, the emotions and now the relief that telling Jason had gone smoother then she could have expected worked on her nerves and she felt exhaustion weighing down her body.
Jason wheeled them into the bedroom. “The gang is coming over at about five.” That would give her ab
out two hours to nap. “Sweetheart, I want you to get some rest.” She nodded and climbed from his lap to the bed. He held onto her hand for a while, kissing her knuckles as her eyes closed. And then when she was breathing evenly Jason released her and wheeled from the room. He put on some chill music in case she woke up…or maybe to help her as she slept, then he wheeled into the kitchen and pulled out his cell phone. Jason looked at his phone for a long time and then he called his mother.
