by L. Filloon
I hold her head still in my hands and touch my forehead to hers , but she fights me and struggles to escape; to escape my hold, escape the pain . She hits me in the chest with both hands, the pain giving her strength and s he’s wild with the tortured soul of the oak. I sense someone wrap themselves around Lily keeping her still. I hear the soft voice of Julia whispering into her ear words of comfort. I send a silent thank you to Julia. I take a deep breath and begin the Binding.
To perform a Binding is risky as the Binding can only be done by those destined to be soul mates. My father and mother shared it, and so did many o f the royal families, but not all Binding results in a happy ending. It must be a willing endeavor by both parties and can only work for those who belong together, fated to be lovers far beyond several lifetimes. If it’s not meant to be, Lily will be lost to me forever. Worse yet, we will both be denied our true soul mates , for the Binding is only granted once to every Sidhe . There are no second chances. I’m risking everything with Kalis, and I will be condemning Lily to a life of loneliness and despair, never finding satisfaction or happiness with any other man in her future. I take a breath and realize the sacrifice is worth it if it means saving her.
I block out everything around me. Phoris ’ soft calling, Julia’s whispering in Lily’s ear, Lily’s cries of pain and it takes everything I have to block out Tolan who has just fallen to the ground behind me. I have to trust that Alorn has taken over with the shield now. I quiet my thoughts and gently reach out to Lily. I concentrate harder on her, until everything around me disappears and I’m no longer in a deserted backyard, sitting on the ground holding Lily. Instead, I find myself walking slowly through complete darkness, and I am alone. I have never done a Binding before, so I don’t know what to expect or where I am or how to reach Lily.
From out of the darkness I hear someone softly weeping. At first, I can’t make out where the sound is coming from. It seems as if it’s coming from all around me. I continue to walk blindly until the sound becomes more distinct. Lily. Immediately I know what this place is. This is her Sorrow . This is where she dwells to keep the world out, to keep the pain out. Here, s he’s protected from all things outside of Lily. That’s why it’s so dark. If Lily keeps out everything, including the light , then she’s safe . With this thought , I stop walking and instead I reach out with my hand. I focus on my hand for a moment and a panswa appears, but the darkness is so heavy and dense that the light barely makes a difference. I focus harder, pushing more of my energy into the panswa, but the more I focus, the more the darkness resists the light. Lily. She’s afraid. She’s not allowing the light or me reach her. Then it comes to me. The answer is Lily herself. Only Lily can light my way.
I can’t tell if my eyes are open, but I imagine I’m closing them now . I conjure up Lily’s face in my mind. I see her running in the park, the first tim e I saw her, but this time she sees me. I see her lying on the ground with the small cut on her face and how I knew even then how beautiful she is . I see her hunched over on the floor crying for her brother and the thought of losing him again. I can feel the way she felt when she flew in my arms at her first meeting with Cessa. I see her in the dimmed room in Victorville and how she looked at me telling me she was scared. I can feel her as I held her , and I become still . I imagine my arms around her small body as she trembles. I feel her move away from me to look me in the eye trusting that I will protect her.
I continue to focus on her image until I feel her solid in my arms. I open my eyes and she’s here with me. She’s crying softly but holds on to me desperately. I know now that she wants to be out of this place, a prison she has built around her self since her brother’s disappearance . A prison she doesn’t know how to escape .
“Lily, it’s okay. You’ll be okay,” I whisper gently to her, rocking her like a small child.
She shakes her head, her sobbing coming quick and hard against my chest. She hiccups and I hold her closer, and in doing so, something inside me wells up. Is it joy? Is it happiness knowing that she’s here with me, where she belongs? I pull her head back so that I can see her face, to tell her that there is no one else, not for her or for me. I know that now. Just the thought of the Binding being true overwhelms me , and I want to look into her eyes when I tell her how I feel . What I see instead shakes me to my core.
The Lily I am holding is not the Lily of today , but of her self when she was a teenage r . I shake my head at her young face and I feel the tears well up as she looks at me with sad lost eyes. She’s frail and emaciated, and there is bruising up along her left arm. When she sees the look of shock on my face, she flinches from me and I grab on to her, pulling her back in. I hold her and realize that the Binding hasn’t started yet. I continue to rock her gently, speaking softly to her without knowing what I’m saying. I feel the change come over her slowly. I feel the shift in her young body as she begins to mature in my arms. I continue to keep my eyes close d , still rocking us in place. Lily has to accept the Binding as well, but as s he i s today and not as her young er self. I can feel my grip loosening, but the way she clings to me gives me hope.
The light comes gently at first, and then it grows brighter pushing the darkness aside. The Binding is beginning, beating around us like a heart beat, loud and pulsating. I feel the force of the Binding pull us apart and when I open my eyes Li ly floats before me, in a sleep like state. Her eyes are hooded and her body hang s before me with no will of her own. I try to reach out to her, but the Binding has a hold of me , as well. I’m lock ed within its grasp. I watch as Lily soundlessly mouths something that I can’t understand . She says it again, this time in a small whisper, but the Binding takes her words and they are lost to me. Suddenly, she goes rigid . Her head snaps up and she stares right at me. Her eyes are now completely amber with no whites showing, her mouth is open slightly , and her head tilts to the side as if listening. At first I don’t hear it and then the voices of children reach my ears. Their laughter and chatter fill my head. Children, our children. I see a young boy with my eyes, but hair jet black like his mother’s. I see his brother a few years his junior with the same colori ng with a small bow in his hand. And there just behind their older brother s , twin sisters, both blonde with honey -gold eyes. Lily’s eyes. I feel the tears and I laugh at them . Never in my life have I wept, b ut I’m weeping now with happiness and boundless joy .
Then the vision is gone and Lucas appears before me standing next to Lily. She’s wearing the gown of the Willow Clan, but it’s filthy and there is a tear around the neck. It’s old and faded and her pale skin against the faded royal green looks sallow and sickly. Lucas has his arm wrap ped insidiously around her wa ist . He pulls her close in the way of a lover and he hungrily puts his mouth to her throat . Lily does n’t push him away ― she doesn’t even try, she’s given up. There is a vacant look to her eyes, her shoulders slouch in defeat . A corded vine of thorns wraps tightly around her wrists, her ankles and across her chest. There is blood flowing where the thor ns p ierce her skin, but she doesn’t seem to notice that either . I rage at the scene before me, struggling to break free of the Binding.
When Lucas finally pulls away from her, it’s no longer him , but Harlu. I feel the strain of my muscle tearing against the Binding. In Harlu’s arms waiting for me is not Lily, but Kalis. She calls to me, reminding me of my promise to her and I feel myself moving toward her. She smiles beckoning me to come to her, all the while Harlu laughs. Then I hear them again, the children. I listen to their voices , but they don’t call out for me. Instead, it’s their laughter that tugs at me, full of happy little promises offer ed in their own innocent way. I struggle once more against the Binding and I fight until it saps the last of my strength . I realize I can no longer hear their little voices, their laughter gone , leaving me with only silence, and I cry. This time I cry in despair of a los s so great, I can’t begin to fathom its depths. And I finally understand.
Without knowing it , I have already made my decision. It was as my fath
er had told me. Now I know it has always been Lily. The distance and the years since our first binding at her birth that separated us didn’t matter. She’s the one.
Lily, on the other hand, ha s nothing to go on except the small time we share d since I rescued her at the park. She has to accept the Binding freely, the decision has to be hers. She will have different futures to choose from and what I’m seeing may not be what she’s seeing. The visions before me may have been my choices in relation to Lily. What is Lily seeing? What are her choices?
As I wait for the outcome, a mist forms between us , solidifying into the form of a b eautiful Earth Spirit. Althoug h I can see through her, there is no mistaking her beauty, her womanly form and the smell of earth, fresh grass and dirt . When she opens her eyes, they are the color of the Velesi swamps, dark and mu rky , but full of life and vibrancy . She’s our Binding Spirit. She smiles at me and then tilts her chin upward, eyes close d . I realize now that Lily has made her choice. Lily, still in an animated state with her eyes filled with amber light , floats before me without change. The Binding Spirit puts her hands out to each of us and gently pulls us close. Once we are within her reach , she doesn’t stop. The spirits misty hand continues into my chest and I feel the ripping of flesh and bone as she searches within me. I throw my head back and I know that I’m screaming from the pain, but ther e i s no sound. I drop my head forward, exhausted. I force myself to look at Lily with blea ry eyes and see that the pain is too much for her as she floats unconscious before me.
I feel the Binding Spirit’s hand gently st r oke at my heart. I feel and see in my mind’s eye her stroking gently to slow its beating and the pain subsides. Then with a gentle snap of her fingers, she breaks a small piece from it and removes her hand holding within it a piece of my heart . I feel dizzy and sick at the same time. I think I’m about to pass out when the spirit calls to me to pay attention. I open my eyes slowly and the nausea overwhelms me , threatening to take me under. I watch as the Earth Spirit pulls her hand from Lily’s chest. From Lily she brings forth a crystal pure and clear and she joins it with the crystal of gold that came from my own chest . She melds them together in her hands. When she opens them again, a pure white sphere engulfed in gold fire gently floats from her palms.
The Earth Spirit looks at me and says in a thousand voices, “You have bound yourself to the daughter of our sister Senestra and have passed the Binding . The symbol of your Binding is now form ed , son of Thilthen, heir of Kalinest and future King of the Sidhe. ”
I listen and realize she’s waiting for me to accept her declaration of our Binding . I can’t form the words , so I nod my consent .
The thousand voices come again speaking gently, “When she wakes , her human half will prevent her from remembering what has happened here and she will be unaware of the Binding . I t will be up to you to make her remem ber. She has chosen you freely. However, her mind is still mire d in sorrow for her lost brother and her loneliness is great. You have aided in relieving some of the darkness with the Binding, but she lives in a fog. You will have to make her see her decision to bind herself to you, Tharin, son of Thilthen.”
Again I nod, accepting my charge for the Binding to Lily and I know that I mean it.
“So be it,” reply the voices as they fade away in a thousand whispers and the Earth Spirit herself slowly disappears.
I find myself holding Lily once again. I look around me and I’m able to see beyond ourselves as the darkness recedes. I see in the dimness that we a re on Lily’s bed in her room. The walls waver and the items around her r oom go in and out of focus. We a re sitting in the dark with the only light coming from under the door. Then the walls begin to shake and Lily cramps up next to me in pain. She has her arms wrap ped around her stomach as the in sistent beating grows louder. The oak. She screams again and I look around the room, searching. I scan the corners briefly, and there in the closet stands the dryad. She’s young and looks to be around five or six years of age, but I know that her real age is that of the oak.
She stands huddled in the closet, looking at me with large brown eyes. Her hair is of leaves that are dry and crumbled, falling off her like flakes each time she moves her head. Her limbs are not dewy and ample like most dryads her age . Instead, they are dry and dusty , with c racks running along the length of her arms and legs. Her feet should be flowing with new shoots of roots but are instead stumped and misshapen.
“Please, l ittle s ister,” I beg, “you’re hurting her. She ’s the daughter of Senestra and heir to the Willow throne. She can’t disconnect from you, please release her.”
Within a blink of an eye, we are once again sitti ng on the ground before the oak . Lily is passed out in my arms. I look at her face and I can see that she’s sleeping peacefully, easily breathing without any sign of pain. I look up and see Julia still at Lily’s side, holding her. The dryad ha s release d Lily from the tortured soul of the oak.
When Julia catches my eye, she says through her own tears, “Please don’t ever do that again.” I smile and nod, exhausted from the ordeal of the Binding. I sit and let what I’ve just done sink in .
I know Julia is torn between staying with Lily and being by Tolan’s side. I tell her we are al l right . She pauses for only a moment before getting up and running to Tolan, putting his head on her lap. I look over at Phoris and before him is the dryad, speaking softly. I turn behind me to see Mellis standing over us, including Tolan and Julia. Alorn is still standing next to Phoris, covering his back, even though the dryad has shielded us for the time being. I look at the oak tree and it seems to have grown ten times its size since we arrived. Its branches with dry, crumbled leaves extend over us like a dusty canopy.
*
Chapter Twenty-Nine Lily
I’m fourteen again, cowering in the dark and I’m scared. I realize the darkness is the result of my eyes being tightly shut. I slowly open them and I find that I’m standing in Julia’s room on the night before they take me to see Marilyn for the first time. Julia is telling me to sleep in my clothes. She puts on more layers of clothes and tells me to do the same. She tells me that no matter what happens to stay quiet, but she thinks that with me here tonight nothing should happen. Yet, she continues to put on more clothes and tells me to stay quiet. We are in her bed now, asleep, but something wakes me. I open my eyes to see Julia’s own eyes opened wide and scared. We are facing each other and I notice for the first time that Julia has my hands in hers, holding on tightly. Then I hear it, footsteps. Someone else is in the room wit h us and I feel my heart beat faster.
“I knew you two were dikes,” sneers Chris with quiet menace. Then the blows come. Chris is beating us through Juli a’s blankets with his fist. He’s only fifteen, but we are young as well, and the punches are hard, fast and full of brutal hatred. I begin to cry as my left arm taking most of the hits shoots pain through me, but Julia puts her hand over my mouth silently telling me to stay quiet. I feel her cover me with her own body taking most of the blows. It seems like the punches go on forever . Then , suddenly , it’s over. We hear him laugh as he quietly walks out of the room and closes the door without a sound.
Julia has buried my head under hers and when she pulls away I see the large welt around her upper cheek swell before my eyes. I see the blood trickle from her nose and the split at her lip and I start to cry even more, but without sound. I look at Julia’s eyes and I see no tears, just defeat. She whispers to me quietly to close my eyes and find a place to hide, to block out the pain, but most of all to block out what her stepbrother has done not just to her face, but to her spirit.
I do as she tells me and in my mind I find shelter, she lter from Julia’s stepbrother. Shelter f rom everything that has happen ed tonight with Lucas’ disappearance and from the knowledge that I will be alone . I find shelter and begin to shield myself from everything outside of it. It’s so safe and warm here. It protects me and here there is no pain.
I open my eyes again and find myself standing on a path
that divides two worlds. One side is dark and cold. I immediately recognize the shelter that I built for myself so many years ago. The other side is light , and in the light stands a lone figure. I can’t make out who it is, but he seems familiar. The path beneath me begins to move, shrinking by the minute and for the first time I notice that beneath the path is a long drop. I see a red and yellow ribbon at the bottom realizing after a moment that it’s a river of fire. Frighten ed , I start to run, but no matter how fast or how far I run, the scenery on both sides never changes and the path continues to shrink . The shelter on one side , and on the other the lone figure.
I slowly come to a stop, winded. I hear voices, hundreds, no thousands of them whispering to me. I can’t make out what they’re saying and I resist them in my head. I look around me desperately and realize I have two choices : Step to the one side and find shelter from everything around me, or step to the other side and run to this person for help. I look again, trying to make out who it is and see that it’s a man. I close my eyes and try to calm down, to think clearly and keep the panic at bay. When I open them again, the man is Tharin. He reaches out to me, but I hesitate . The shelter is so close I can feel it calling me with its promise of a safe and painless existence. Tharin continues to stand and quietly wait s .
What will happen if I choose to go with Tharin? There will no doubt be pain for he loves Kalis. What does a heartache feel like , I wonder. Will it be worth leaving my shelter, a shelter that has been my haven all these lonely years? I look at Tharin and see him for the first time with clear eyes. He’s tall and strong, young and arrogant, but with the burdens of a king on his young shoulders. His stare is clear and unwavering, his chest proud and forgiving. He still holds his hand out to me. I stand staring at it . I see the strength within his hand and the promise of safety it offers. He’s also offering me the opportunity to feel all that I should feel, including the pain of heartache when the time comes. I don’t know what I’ll find walking beside him, but I know the darkness no longer has a grip on me. No, calls the shelter to me, he loves Kalis. He will only bring you pain and misery. Come to me and be safe. I look into the darkness and see the fourteen-year—old me standing at its edge. She smiles and waves, then points to Tharin, her young face at peace.
