He takes the steps slowly, eyes on me. I lick my lips now, so freaking nervous. And then he’s on the porch, gazing down at me in utter seriousness.
“Hi,” I say quietly.
He puts his hands in his pockets, seeming content to just…look at me. I start to feel self-conscious.
“I know I look different—”
“You look even better.”
Damn. I need to fan myself. Winter is not cold enough to cool a woman who gets a serious compliment from Hans Rawko.
Before I can think of a single educated thing to say, he asks, “Can I see him? I know you said he’s napping, but…” He grasps the back of his head. “Never mind. It’ll probably wake him or something.”
“Yes. You can see him right now.” I can’t help the smile that splits my face. Peeking at the sleeping baby is a favorite past time of mine. I lead Hans inside and we tiptoe when we get to the hall. Hans, huge as he is, is silent when he’s in stealth mode, so we make it into the guest room golden. Together, we approach the pack and play, and peer over.
Devy is on his back, arms splayed out, tiny pink mouth puckering like he’s drinking in his sleep. I tear my eyes from his precious face to look at Hans and I nearly lose it. In the little bit of light that seeps through the dark curtains, I see tears in his eyes as he stares at his baby boy. His entire face transforms with emotions and I know he’s trying not to cry. I promised myself I wouldn’t be forward with him, but I touch his hand and he moves his fingers to twine with mine. His grip is tight. I hear him swallow.
He turns for the door and I follow. I don’t know what to do when we get to the hall and he leans against the wall, his head back, fists over his eyes. He’s trying so hard not to cry and I want to beg him to let it out. I’m about to leave him, to give him some privacy, when he lets out a long exhale and drops his hands, sniffing.
Then he whispers, “Nine days before landing, I was prepared to die.” I cover my mouth and close my eyes, knowing this is going to be hard to hear. “Eight days before the mission, Cap brought me in the cockpit and showed me your message.” He wets his lips. “I fell down on my knees and I cried like the biggest fucking pussy—”
“Hans.” I open my eyes and he chuckles quietly.
“I did.” His chuckle disappears. “I can’t explain to you what happened in that moment. It was like by accidentally getting you pregnant, I’d done the most badass thing in the world.”
I cover my mouth to hide a laugh of my own.
“I know!” he whispers. “It sounds so lame. Beatneck dudes knock women up all the time, but I felt so damn special. Like a fucking Rockstar. Like something good and meaningful was finally gonna come out of my life.”
We both look toward the door where our son sleeps.
“And I wanted to live. For the first time ever in battle, I was afraid to die. I didn’t want anything to keep me from getting here. When I got shot, my chest was hit too. I had on armor, but I felt the sting and it scared the shit out of me. Tripoli dragged me to safety. All I could think was that I refused to die. I was so damn happy when it was just my leg. I got a limp now, but…” He shrugs. “I’m alive.”
“It’s more of a swagger than a limp,” I whisper.
He actually chuckles, and I see a sliver of the old Hans in his face, cheering my soul.
I startle when Mom suddenly appears in the entrance to the hallway, saying brightly, “Supper’s ready!”
She hurries away and Hans looks at me. “Supper? Isn’t it two o’clock?”
I shrug. “Welcome to the South. Supper is whenever Mama says it is.”
“All right then.”
He follows me out and we gather around the table. Hans takes a seat between Russell and I, and although there’s a polite, happy banter between everyone at the table, a definite tension is between Hans and me. I can hardly look at him because I just want to stare and touch him. My heart is filled with excitement and fear.
When the conversation turns to “what’s next” for the guys, I nearly choke when Hans says, “I’ve been granted medical discharge. After next week, I’m officially a civilian again.” I gape at him, swallowing down my lump of food. He looks…vulnerable, like he has no idea what to do with himself if he’s not a Hornet.
“What is your plan?” My mom asks gently.
Hans rubs his palms down his jeans in a nervous gesture, letting out a small laugh. “I was actually thinking about putting down some roots here.”
I blink and look away, my heart suddenly racing. Mom beams at me, dabbing her mouth with her napkin to try and hide her delight.
“I mean, if it’s okay with you guys,” Hans says, turning to me. “I’d like to be part of my son’s life.”
“Of course.” My words come out raspy with emotion.
His smile is small, nervous. “I just have to find a job.”
“Shouldn’t be too hard to get hired,” Daddy says. “Young, strong veteran. The transition will be tough, though. Civilians are…” He shakes his head. “A different breed.”
“Daddy, don’t try to scare him.”
Reesa perks up. “One of the gyms where I do therapeutic massage is looking for a partner. One of the managers just moved, and they also need someone to run the MMA class and the youth wrestling class.”
“Yeah?” says Hans, brightening. “Can you put me in touch?”
“Absolutely.” She smiles.
Oh, my God. Is this really happening? I have to set down my fork and clasp my trembling hands in my lap. Having Hans here will change everything. Whether or not he wants to be with me, having him in Devy’s life puts him in my life too.
“Mama?” The baby’s soft call from the guest room has both Hans and I on our feet, the table shaking. He gives me a questioning look, almost pleading, and I let out a breathy smile.
“Come with me.”
Mama takes Daddy’s hand as Hans and I excuse ourselves from the table. I’m so nervous and excited, and I can hear Hans’s deep breath behind me when we get to the hall. I slowly open the door and we slide in together. Devy is standing, grasping the rail. His eyes are still swollen with sleep as he reaches up for me and I take him into my arms. He immediately curls in close to my chest and points at Hans, who gives him a tentative smile.
“Devy, this is your daddy.” My voice cracks.
“Hi, buddy,” Hans whispers.
“Can you say Hi, Daddy?” I ask. Devy puts his head on my shoulder, keeping an eye on Hans, and gives him a tiny wave with his fingers. “Aw, are you going to be shy? How about some supper?”
The baby never takes his eyes off Hans, and Hans never looks away from his son. We get to the dining room and Russell stands. Devy grips my shoulders as he looks at my brother, and his eyebrows draw together in a serious scowl that makes the whole room laugh.
“Baby, this is your uncle Russ.” More silent scowling. Russell is grinning.
“Aw, he’s overwhelmed,” Reesa says. “He’ll warm up.”
“Ree-Ree,” Devy says when he notices Reesa.
“Hi, sweetie!” She kisses his rosy cheek.
I slide Devy into the high chair and Hans sits beside him. They stare at each other, saying nothing, and Dev studies his daddy so seriously that the others at the table laugh again. I make a plate of food torn into little bits and put it in front of Dev. Without looking away from Hans, he reaches down, feels for whatever he can grab, and shoves a handful in his mouth.
“Is it good?” Hans asks.
Devy nods, still so serious, and we’re all cracking up now.
“Daddy eat,” Devy says, holding out a handful of mashed potatoes with bits of pot roast and peas stuck in it. Our eyes widen as Hans doesn’t hesitate. He puts Devy’s whole little fist in his mouth and when he pulls back he’s cleaned every bit of food from his hand. Gross!
“Mmm,” Hans says.
The baby’s face lights up and he lets out a squealing laugh, clapping his hands. “Daddy eat!”
“Oh, dear,” Mama s
ays. “He’ll feed him the whole plate.”
“No more,” I tell Devy. “Show Daddy how much you can eat!” I say it like a challenge and Devy stuffs his mouth.
“Dude, you’re such a big boy,” Hans tells him, his voice thick.
“Dude!” Devy repeats, spraying potato spittle.
Russell laughs. “I think this is the definition of Double Trouble.”
Hans has never looked hotter to me than this moment when he has Devy’s full attention and he’s making our baby boy laugh. And really, it’s as though Dev is lighting a spark inside of Hans too, bringing a piece of him back to life.
“Who wants pie?” Mama asks.
“I pie!” Devy squeals, throwing his goopy hands in the air. My face is starting to hurt from all the laughing and smiling now. Whether or not Hans wants me, everything is going to be all right.
After supper we gather around the fireplace in the living room and Mama pulls out a tub of building blocks so Devy can play his favorite game of “Build it up and knock it down.” Every single time he knocks it down he throws his hands up in the air and we all yell.
“I feel like I’ve missed so much,” Hans says to me in a low voice as he watches our son play. “I know he’s still so little, but…”
“Come with me,” I tell him. We stand, and I make eye-contact with Mama, who nods.
I lead Hans down to my old bedroom and we sit on my bed where I pull out two picture albums that I made online. “These are for you,” I say. “I wasn’t sure if you’d want them someday, but since I was making them for all the grandmas, I figured I’d make copies for you, just in case. It’s all the pictures from my pregnancy up to his first birthday. And this one has a disc in back with videos. A lot of them are ones I sent to you.”
Hans looks at the cover and runs his hand over the baby’s full name.
“I was worried,” I admit. “About what you’d think of his name. But it felt right. I’ve always loved the name Joshua. And I wanted to honor your best friend.”
“It’s the biggest honor you can give a man. You have no idea how much it means to me. And the fact that you gave him my last name…” He shakes his head, overcome.
“Of course,” I whisper, so relieved and glad.
He stares down at the book, flipping pages, mesmerized. When he gets to a particularly huge picture of me in my ninth month, I say, “You don’t have to look at them right now.”
“Oh, my God, Lanna.” He runs a finger over my belly on the page. I’m smiling so big in the picture, my face swollen, standing in front of the crib. “Look at you. You’re glowing and shit.”
I snort. “And shit being the key words.”
He peers down at me. “You don’t think you looked good?”
I shrug. “It’s hard to feel pretty when you’re so uncomfortable. But I was happy.”
“There were complications, right? At birth?”
“Yeah, I was pushing a long time but he was stuck. His oxygen and heart rate started to lower so they took me in for emergency surgery.” I turn the page and point to the caesarian section photos.
“Damn, he was so blue!” Hans stares in horror.
“I know. It was the scariest moment of my life. I couldn’t stop crying when he finally started to breathe.”
“I wish I’d been there.” My heart skips at the longing in his voice. He stares at the picture again, then back at me. “I get to keep these?”
“Yes. And look.” I flip to a page with the pictures from his family’s visit.
“Damn,” he whispers. “I can’t thank you enough for making sure they’re part of his life.”
“Of course.”
Hans swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “You know…I’ve had to evaluate a lot about my life over the past eighteen months. I’m still not one hundred percent, mentally, I might never be, but I understand some things now that I couldn’t back then. Mainly that when I’m at my lowest point, I push away the people who care the most.” He peers down at the images of his mom and sister. I quietly inhale and let it out slowly. Hans looks at me again. “I’m sorry for how I treated you on Mars.”
I shake my head. “Don’t—”
“No, it’s not okay. And it’s no excuse, but I was in the darkest place of my life.”
“I know,” I whisper.
“After the mission, when I was dealing with my leg injury, there wasn’t much else to do but think. One of the things your brother made me do was to write letters to both Dev and…” He clears his throat. “The female Clyvorn soldier. I know it sounds dumb, but that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And the best. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully forgive myself, but it was a start. I gave myself permission to try and live again.”
I don’t trust myself to speak. All I can do is nod.
“Anyway.” He clears his throat again. “Thank you.” He holds up the albums. “For this, and for everything. I know I was an asshole on Mars whenever men would talk to you, but I promise I’ll stay out of your way and give you space if I live here. I won’t…interfere.”
My stomach sinks. He has no interest. I pay special attention to smoothing my dress over my lap.
“Oh, that’s…not a problem. I don’t date. Haven’t dated. Just me and Devy.”
His eyes narrow as he looks at me with something akin to suspicion. “Any particular reason?”
“One,” I whisper, my heart galloping. “One reason.” I shouldn’t say this. I shouldn’t make things more difficult and awkward. Why do I always have to be so damn honest with this man?
Hans cocks his head. “What reason is that?”
He has to know the reason. I shouldn’t play this game. I really shouldn’t. God, I’m such a dreaming fool.
“I fell in love once,” I say quietly, holding his eyes. “And he’s still all that I want.”
His eyes sort of harden and I know I’ve made a mistake. I quickly stand and move to the door. “Anyway. We should go back up.”
When I put my hand on the doorknob he stands behind me and says, “Who is he?”
I throw my head back and let out a caustic laugh. “You cannot be that dense.”
“Fuck, Lanna, there’s no way you haven’t been with other men. You can’t be talking about me. Look at you.”
I turn my head and he’s staring at my ass. His eyes flick up to mine, blazing. Warmth spreads through me like a cat in the sun. It’s been way too long since I felt attractive. Men don’t exactly flock to a woman with a baby in her arms.
“There’s been no one else,” I admit. My hand is still on the doorknob, prepared to bolt.
“And you still want…”
“You? Yes.” Oh, Lord. I’m so nervous. I can’t even look at him. From the corner of my eye I see him swagger his way over to my old desk. He grabs something. A pen? What is he up to?
His eyes slide to me. “Remember what you said to me back on Mars when I asked you what you wanted?”
“Um, was I drunk?”
“Heavily buzzed.” He’s moving toward me. I can hardly breathe.
“Probably something inappropriate, then.”
He’s so close. “Not inappropriate, but memorable. For me, at least.”
Hans takes my wrist and pulls me away from the door. In the next heartbeat, he’s sitting on the edge of my bed and I yelp as he throws me across his lap, ass up.
“Hans!” I try to get up, but his strong hand is splayed across my back, holding me down, and the other hand is yanking up the back of my dress, then pulling down my panties. Holy shit! I squirm. “What are you doing?” I definitely didn’t ask to be spanked while I was on Mars!
“Stay still.”
I peer over my shoulder and watch him pull the cap off a black permanent marker with his teeth, then proceed to write something across my ass! He pulls my panties back up.
“Did you just…?”
He puts the cap back on and gives me a smoldering look that blasts through me.
“I wrote my name on you.” H
is hand comes down on my bottom with a loud smack.
Dear Lord. I totally remember saying that now. My face flames and I’m crazy hot. Hans Rawko just literally marked me as his. When he releases me I don’t hesitate. I turn and straddle his waist, taking his face and bringing my mouth to his. We fall back on my old mattress, our limbs twining as our mouths move roughly together. My room has never seen a kiss like this. My parents—my whole family—are upstairs but there is no way I’m willing to stop.
We don’t even undress. I unzip his pants and pull him out, then push my panties aside.
“Wait,” he says. “I’m not on that pill anymore. Not that it worked…”
“It’s okay. I’m on the pill this time.”
He stands and picks me up, setting me on the desk where he stands in front of me. I pull up my dress and he reaches down for my panties, but he doesn’t pull them off. He tugs them down just enough to see my C-section scar. As he stares, I realize he’d been looking for it. My face heats with worry and embarrassment. I’ve never minded the scar, but what will he think?
Hans runs a thumb over the white line. “This is it?”
I nod.
“It’s smaller than I expected.” Before I can respond, he bends and places a gentle kiss over my scar. I have to press my lips together to fight back the emotion. Going through the pregnancy, birth, and first year by myself was lonesome, but this moment places a tender band-aid over the parts of me that have wept. I think maybe I was wanted all along. Both me and Devy.
Hans, the sneak, lets my panty line go and slides them aside at my crotch, leaning further down to swipe his hot tongue straight up my folds, giving my clit a hard suckle. I grab the edge of the desk and let out a surprised holler. The naughty smirk he gives me is so much like the “old” Hans that I nearly melt all over the damn desk. He stands and holds his proud cock in his hand, still keeping the crotch of my underwear pulled aside.
We both watch as he slides into me. I fight to stay quiet because it feels so good. Hans wets his thumb with this tongue and reaches down, rubbing a circle over my nub of nerves as he moves in and out. I wrap my legs around him and press into his ass with my heels, leaning back on the desk against my palms.
Out of the Stars (Into the Stars Book 2) Page 12
