by Sharan Daire
"You don't have any idea how wonderful you are."
He actually sounded... shocked. I shrugged again, avoiding looking at him. "It's okay. I'm about as broke down as my car. Running on fumes, always needing something, needing help. It's ridiculous. I never thought I'd be close to thirty and this..." I blew out a shaky sigh. "Broke. Miserable. Like I'm not going to make it. I swim and swim and swim, lost in an endless ocean. I keep thinking that I'll find a life raft at some point. Hell, even a log that I can hold on to for a while and rest. But it's just not meant to be."
"Shelby," he growled out, his voice harsh though low. "Look at me."
I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't want to see his pity. I didn't want to need help. His help. Anyone's help. But life was so fucking hard. It shouldn't cost so much just to exist. It shouldn't be so exhausting...
His fingers closed on my chin in a firm grip that startled me enough to make me open my eyes. He turned my face towards his, leaning down close so I stared into his eyes. "I'm your raft. You got that? You don't have to swim anymore. You don't have to struggle. You made it, Shelby. You made it to me. To us. Let us take care of you now."
His eyes raged with emotion. All traces of the lighthearted joker were gone. I touched his cheek, lightly placing my fingertips on his skin, afraid. Afraid to feel too much. Afraid of making a mistake. Of pushing him away.
He turned his head into my caress, pushing his face harder against my hand so that I cupped his cheek. "As appealing and wonderful as that sounds, I can't just dump all my cares and concerns on you."
"Why not? I can take it, Shelby. I want to take it."
"You don't even know me. Why would you want to take on all my trouble? That's not the way life works. Surely you know that already. The more you trust, the more you get hurt."
"Not by me. Not by us."
I wanted to laugh but I was afraid it'd come out like a wail of grief and sadness and rage. "Maybe if I'd met you ten years ago, we would have had a chance. Or if you'd known me since kindergarten like your friends. You—"
He pressed his forehead to mine, stilling my words. "I can't explain it, but I feel like I've known you forever. You're so fucking beautiful that my chest hurts just looking at you. I see how much you love your kids. You're a great mother. You've worked and fought for them for so long, and I know you've been alone. But you don't have to do it alone ever again."
I closed my eyes, trying to calm my racing heart. To not get my hopes up too much. "I've only ever been hurt," I whispered so softly I wasn't sure that he would hear. "I can't do it again."
"I know. I do. I won't let anyone hurt you again."
KALEB
So close. Heaven hovered just out of my reach. If I tried to snag it too quickly and rushed her, I might push her away forever. So I waited, simply holding her hand in one of mine, my forehead pressed to hers. Her breath fluttered over my skin, tempting me to tip my head and take her mouth. But I didn't. It was so important to me that she made that first step. That she took a kiss—if she wanted it.
If she wanted me.
Her fingers slid across my cheek and through my hair. Barely breathing, I didn't move as she cupped my nape. As she slid slightly closer to the edge of her seat. She tightened her fingers, holding on for dear life as she gathered her courage. My heart thudded in agony. Was it so hard for her to kiss me? Did she not want me as much as she wanted Everett and Derek? Would she only want me on the sidelines, watching like Chris?
If that was all...
I'd be glad for them. I would. Even if I died in misery wishing I could have this. Her soft touches, the warm, sweet scent of woman. Then, finally, the softness of her lips caressing mine. I resisted the urge to crush her to me. Or worse, to leap to my feet and whoop like an idiot. She pressed closer, so small and soft in my arms. Her breath caught on a soft sound that made my heart thud harder, trying to escape my chest like a wild thing.
Her confidence grew as I didn't take over and force my way inside. She nibbled on my bottom lip playfully. "You're so different from your brother."
"Yeah," I rasped out a creaky laugh. Hopefully she didn't think it was a groan of misery. "So I'm told."
Her fingers stroked over my cheeks and neck. "Is this okay?"
"Absolutely." I barely managed to bite back a plea for more. It was one thing for a woman to be attracted to a man like Derek. But a lot of women weren't into more submissive men. I didn't need her to tie me up and beat me, but I definitely preferred her to lead. If she was willing.
She kissed me again, more confidently. Deeper. Her tongue stroked my lips and then pushed inside my mouth. Sweat broke out on my forehead, my T-shirt plastered to my back. Heat rose inside me, a blistering wildfire of agonized longing. She could make me come in a heartbeat. A whispered command from her. A single touch. If her hand wandered down my chest...
I quivered, fighting down that train of thought. The last thing—
She groaned against my lips. Squeezed my shoulders. Stroked over my chest.
"Mooooooomy!"
Shelby pulled away quickly, giving a quick guilty look at her approaching daughter. "What, sweetie?"
Allie skipped into the room with Wally beside her. She came right up and wedged herself in between us. "Can we have dinner again up here in the big house? Like last night?"
"Sure, if you'd like." Shelby glanced up at me, her cheeks pink. Her eyes bright. Not sad. Not regretful. A huge boulder slipped off my chest and I could breathe again. "If that's alright."
"Well... I don't know." I tried to joke, but my voice sounded funny to my ears. "I don't know if I can eat ice cream two nights in a row."
Allie jumped up against me, squealing and laughing, all sweet innocence and giggles. "Yes, you can! Pleeeeeease!"
"You know I'm a sucker for mint chocolate chip." I gave her a lopsided smile, trying not to start bawling like a baby. She was so fucking cute and sweet. Liam was an incredible kid too, solemn and respectful, helping Shelby out like a teenager rather than just a young kid of eight or nine. I'd been a holy terror at his age, rather than helping babysit or entertain other kids.
"Derek said we could eat Bubby's fish tonight." Allie hopped down and skipped toward the door. "Oh, yeah, Mommy. I forgot. They wanted to know if you like fish. Or if Sally should make something else like chicken."
"I like fish just fine. It's you I'm worried about. You're pickier than either of us."
Allie stuck her tongue out, making Shelby laugh. "I'm not picky."
And I couldn't look away.
Late winter sunlight gleamed in her hair, turning the strands into fiery embers with strands of molten gold. Her eyes shone with amusement and love. Her cheeks were still pink, her lips soft and full. So damned tempting. She looked at me, and her breath caught at what she saw in my eyes.
"Like ice cream," Allie continued. "I'll eat chocolate, strawberry, vanilla. I'll eat Kaleb's mint chocolate chip, though I don't like the ones with nuts. Yucky. I just like ice cream, like you like Kaleb and Derek and Everett too. Right, Mommy?"
Shelby's cheeks flushed as dark as her hair. It was all I could do to choke back a strangled laugh. Luckily, Allie didn't wait for an answer and went prancing out the door, oblivious to her mother's embarrassment. Or maybe she'd done it on purpose. Kids picked up on stuff way quicker than adults gave them credit for, myself included.
"Sounds like someone's going to be eating a lot of ice cream tonight." I tried to play it cool. I even chuckled a little. Until Shelby's eyes locked with mine again.
Embarrassment, yes, but also challenge, heat, and even amusement, as her sense of humor took over. "Are you saying I should sample all the pints in the freezer?"
"Absolutely." Though I had no thoughts of the freezer at the moment. Only a raging hot pizza oven cranked to eight hundred degrees. "All four pints. They're yours. If you want them."
She stood carefully, making sure not to brush me with her body. She looked to the side, her cheeks still flushed. "That's a lot of ice crea
m for one girl."
Despite the tender kiss we'd shared, my heart dropped. It was a lot for one woman to take on. We knew that. Which was exactly why we were still single. I'd thought she might be the one. That we had a chance. She'd even kissed me, the least alpha of the bunch. I thought...
She muttered something and stepped around me, moving quickly toward the door where her daughter had exited. It took her words a moment to register in my brain. Then my jeans self-combusted.
"Good thing I apparently have one hell of an appetite."
12
Shelby
I’d gone and lost my damned mind. That was the only excuse I could come up with as I stood under the glorious hot water in the cabin's ridiculously luxurious shower. This couldn’t be real.
In a matter of twenty-four hours, my broke-down life had changed so dramatically that I didn’t even recognize myself. I’d left Dallas with no money, no job, no hope, no home, and no food for my kids.
Now, I was staying for free in a cabin better than any apartment I’d ever lived in. My kids’ stomachs were stuffed with fried fish and all the ice cream they could eat. I’d had the pleasure of listening to laughter and banter all night as three men did their best to entertain us.
Even Chris had joined us for a while. Radiating grim, silent menace, he sat near the door and watched us all play Uno. I’d been braced for the shrieks and peals of laughter to upset him, but bit by bit, something in him seemed to uncoil and relax. His shoulders eased. The hard slant of his mouth had softened ever so slightly. Not a smile by any means, but not the harsh lines and stony exterior he’d first displayed.
Maybe Kaleb was right. Maybe Chris really did like kids but didn’t know how to show it. Maybe…
Did I dare hope…
That maybe, just maybe, we could…
No. I shut the water off and reached for a towel, drying off furiously. I had to be smart, not stupid. I had a good thing going here, sure. But eventually, it’d fall apart. My life always did.
I’d hoped for a better relationship with Mom when she’d come back for me. While it’d been fun moving all over the country with her, I’d never really gotten to know her. She’d been a beautiful butterfly, flitting from light to light. Always looking for something better, more exciting. I’d never been her child, not really. I was a younger girlfriend. I couldn’t ask for too much from her, or she might send me back to Granny’s.
I couldn’t be a whiny, annoying child that needed care. I learned to fend for myself first, and then I made myself useful by doing things to take care of her too. I had to earn my place with her, so she wouldn’t decide to send me back.
I’d hoped for a better life with Rob when we married because I was pregnant with Liam. But the tarnish had already started to stain our relationship. The cracks had already started to form. I’d fallen into the exact same behaviors, afraid to ask for anything for fear of being left. Afraid to ask for decency and compassion, let alone assistance with the kids or the house.
All I’d ever asked was that he never lie to me, but all too quickly, I learned that was all he’d done from the beginning. Lie after lie after lie. Worse…
I’d stayed. I’d tried to make it work. I’d tried to make a better life for our kids. I’d worked myself into exhaustion. Only to be betrayed over and over again. To endure his insults and increasingly violent outbursts. At least he’d only ever been mean to me…
That was a miserable and pitiful excuse. Because the kids had seen how he treated me. They’d lived it, just as much as I did. They’d seen me give in, say that I was sorry for something I couldn’t have possibly done even if I’d tried, and take his verbal and emotional abuse without standing up for myself.
Long before Bessie had given out on the road outside of Branson, he’d broken me down into nothing.
Eventually, these men who were interested in me now would see the same tarnish and cracks. They’d realize that I couldn’t possibly be what they wanted and needed. I couldn’t be a model. I couldn’t be woman enough for them to even think about sharing.
I was a waitress, for fuck’s sake. A homeless, broke single mom.
The dream would crumple and fall apart. They’d see me for what I really was.
I rubbed a circle in the foggy mirror and saw a woman looking back at me with eyes shimmering, not with joy and excitement at all the wonderful things ahead of me, but tears. Because I couldn’t possibly keep up this act for long.
Derek would see through my disguise with those damned cop eyes. He’d see that I was guilty.
Guilty of thinking I could ever make a better life for my kids. That I could be a model. That I could actually feel attraction for four gorgeous men and figure out a way to be with them.
Me. The rusted-out, used-up, broken-down almost thirty-year-old single mom nothing from Texas.
This was a do or die moment. I had a real chance here to make some cash that might save my family. If I could believe Everett, and I hoped to god I could trust him at least a little, then Chris was going to pay me a couple of thousand dollars. A windfall for a woman like me.
I could get to Granny’s on that. I could make a security deposit on a new apartment. Start a new life in a new town. Get a new job.
Get a new life.
As much as I loved this place, and feeling like a princess, it wasn’t for me. I couldn’t keep up the illusion forever. But I could enjoy the time I had. I could soak in the beauty and unaccustomed luxuries of the lodge. The care and consideration from the four friends who ran it. I could close my eyes and pretend that it was real. At least for a little while.
A world-weary woman stared back at me, as stoic and grim as Chris had been tonight when he’d first joined us. I’d never get another golden opportunity like this. Not to live here—that could never happen. But even a few days would give me a brand new opportunity. A chance to build a new life.
I’d take what they offered. Every last crumb. I’d gorge myself on their interest, like Allie had gobbled up her ice cream tonight. For now, they wanted me. They admired me. They needed me for this photo shoot, though I still couldn’t fathom why.
I’d do it. I’d do it as long as I could. And when they saw who I really was…
I’d hop in Bessie, no matter how much work might still need to be done on her, and I’d drive as fast as I could down that hilly road back to the freeway. It’d always been me and the kids, alone against the world. Taking this modeling job, no matter how much I fucked it up, would at least get us a start.
Maybe someday I’d lie awake in my new hopefully-not-crummy apartment and smile fondly, remembering the way Derek had kissed me last night. How much Kaleb had smiled while he played with Allie and his dog. How proudly Liam had watched us all eat his fish. So many precious memories in such a short amount of time.
I’d take them all. Every wonderful moment. I wouldn’t ever forget them or begrudge these men when it ended. I’d go.
But I’d never forget Little Cypress Lodge and its owners. Ever.
13
Shelby
I’d thought a fabulous shower, comfortable bed, and to-die-for food was the definition of pure luxury.
Until I had the chance to sleep in.
Like really sleep in. A quiet Sunday morning in bed. That feeling of waking up, hearing the kids rustling in the kitchen, and then the television quietly playing in the background. It was a treat for them to have a big, modern screen with tons of channels to choose from. Though I wasn’t sure if they were actually watching cartoons or playing games.
They were occupied and happy. I could rest my eyes a little longer.
I didn’t have to set an alarm for the ass-crack of dawn and hurry to work to deal with the hangry church crowd.
Even when I finally dragged myself up at nine, I didn’t get dressed right away. Snuggled up in the fluffy bathrobe over my favorite sleep shorts, I made myself a cup of coffee and then ambled up to the loft to sit with the kids. Cuddled up beneath a blanket, watching fluffy
snow dot the trees outside, wiping away everything in a soft white cloud. So peaceful and beautiful.
No place to hurry off to. No demands. No worries. At least for today.
Until my phone buzzed. I’d given Kaleb my number yesterday so he could send me updates on Bessie first thing Monday. I never expected him to be working on a cold winter Sunday.
Hey, good morning. Interested in family dinner Anderson style?
I hesitated, trying to decide if that would be fun… or a nightmare. It depended on the family. Mine… Even before marriage, it’d just been me and Mom and whatever boyfriend she had the time. We hadn’t done sit-down family dinners, though generally, the food was always really nice. Mom had insisted on the best, or she’d find someone else to entertain her.
A twinge of guilt made me wince. I tried really hard to hold on to my good memories of her. The fun and good times we’d had. I’d loved her. Really.
But living with her had not been easy.
My phone buzzed again. Low key, promise. Ange and Marlo are great, and Taylen would love to have some younger kids to play with.
I couldn’t remember the last time my kids had enjoyed a playdate. Sure, that sounds nice. What time?
D will swing by at 4 and we’ll go over together.
That was still a couple of hours away. I resisted the urge to leap up and start digging through my bag to find something exciting to wear. He’d said low key. Surely jeans and a hoodie would be fine. The kids still had several clean outfits before I needed to do some laundry. They’d had baths last night. We’d be presentable without scrambling to get ready.
So I watched Bubby play another game, patiently explaining the moves to Allie. They even convinced me to play, though I was terrible at video games. We laughed and played and laughed some more, pausing only to heat some of Sally’s leftovers in the microwave. An entire day spent with my kids, lazing around and playing.
