She sucked in a breath, realizing the cause of his sudden awkwardness. “Oh. You’re worried we’ll have sex?”
He turned slightly in his chair so he was facing her. “I’m not worried. I just want it to be done on your terms, like I’ve always said. I don’t want Gavin to influence you because he can’t control himself around free alcohol. I don’t want you to think being here means you’re obligated to be with me. I know how important waiting is to you. It’s why I’ve tried not to pressure you.”
“So, if I told you I’m planning to wait until I’m married?” she asked, her eyebrows raised.
His response was instant; his expression told her he wasn’t surprised. “That’s a decision you have to make. It doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
“That you love me,” she reminded him.
He smiled warmly, letting out a breath. “It doesn’t change the fact that I love you.”
“Do you want to go for a walk?” Reagan asked suddenly.
“A walk in the woods at night?” His forehead wrinkled in shock.
“What? Are you scared?” she asked, joy filling her voice.
“Yeah, right,” he said, scoffing at her. “Actually, I have something else I want to show you.” He stood up, taking her hand. They walked down the hill and into the dark woods. The ground beneath their feet crackled and crunched with their every step.
She was silent, one thought running through her mind over and over again. It was sitting on the tip of her tongue and yet she couldn’t bring herself to say it. Finally, he stopped, pointing to a tall tree, a treehouse sat at the top. “Look.”
“What’s that?” she asked, trying to make it out in the moonlight.
“My grandpa built it for my mom when she was little. They stayed here during the summer. We played here a lot as kids.”
“It’s fantastic. I always wanted something like this,” she told him happily. “Can we climb up there?”
He tapped the wooden ladder, pulling on the steps to test them. “Let me see if it’ll hold my weight. There’s no telling how long it’s been since anyone’s been up there.”
She nodded. “Be careful.”
He put a foot on the first step, leaning his weight on it before he began climbing cautiously. She held her breath as she watched him ascend. When he reached the top, climbing into the fort with a loud THUD, he turned around, dusting his hands off and nodding. “Come on up.”
She smiled, grabbing ahold of the first step and pulling herself up. The hard, rough wood was bowed and dry but it held her weight well. She climbed carefully, reaching out for his hand and letting him pull her the rest of the way up.
Once she was inside, she looked around the fort, wiping her hands on her pants. The room was bare, the walls still had studs visible from the inside, and yet it felt quaint. In the moonlight, she could make out writing along the boards: signatures, height markers, and drawings.
“This place is so cool,” she said, trying to picture a younger Gunner playing here.
“It used to be,” he said. “It’s nothing special now.” She walked to look out one of the tiny windows and felt his arms surround her. He nuzzled into her neck. “What’s one thing you want to do before you die?”
“Because you’re about to kill me?” she asked.
He laughed softly. “Seriously. One thing. Bucket list.”
She thought for a moment, then giggled. “I want to learn to fly a helicopter.”
She could feel his smile growing, his cheeks pressing against hers. “Why’s that?”
“I don’t know. It’s just something I’ve always wanted to learn to do.”
“Are you going to give rides around Dale?” he teased.
She shook her head. “Only for you.”
He kissed her cheek, his lips remaining on her skin for a moment longer than usual. “I’ll stay for you,” he whispered in her ear, his breath warm against her face.
She gasped, turning her head to look at him. “In Dale?”
“If that’s what you want.”
She was facing him then. She wrapped her arms around him, breathing him in. When she pulled away, she rubbed her thumbs over his eyebrows, staring at him intently. “I’ll leave for you too.”
“You will?” he asked, his voice raised, obviously not expecting her to say that.
“I want to be with you, Gunner. Anywhere. Any way. And if that means we leave Dale, we do. I want you to be happy.”
He rubbed a piece of stray hair from her cheeks. “So, you want to stay and I want to go,” he said softly.
“And you’re willing to stay, but I’m willing to go.” She nodded.
“Well, where does that leave us?” he asked.
She smiled at him, sliding her hand onto his cheek. “Right here.” She leaned forward, touching her lips to his lightly. Her heart fluttered in her chest, cold chills running up and down her spine. She wrapped her hands around his neck, pulling him to her. His hands were around her waist instantly, his fingers gripping her tight as their kisses grew.
He pushed her backward gently, and she took a deep breath as her skin met the wall. Their lips parted for just a moment and he smiled at her, his eyes searching hers. She ran her hands over his shoulders, the soft cotton of his t-shirt under her fingertips, and pulled his face down so she could taste his lips again. Her whole body pulsed with his every move. His hands moved from her hips, sliding carefully under her shirt. His palms were cold on her bare back. He moved his mouth to her neck, her body reacting immediately. Her body ached for him. She felt the hardness in his pants growing, his excitement for her evident. He searched for her mouth again, their bodies pressed firmly together as his kiss overwhelmed her.
“I love you,” she whispered heatedly.
“I love you, Reagan,” he repeated, his voice serious. She pulled away, reaching for the bottom of her shirt. She pulled it up, removing it quickly. He looked her over, his eyes filled with desire. His lips went to her bare skin immediately, his kisses dancing around her bra. She breathed nervously, feeling like her heart may explode. With shaking hands, she moved to his waist, her fingers fumbling with his belt.
He cupped her breasts, his breath hot on her chest and she moaned as he slid his hands under her bra. She started to undo the button on his pants, her hands shaking fiercely, but he stopped her.
“What are you doing?” he asked breathlessly. It was the line they hadn’t crossed. The stopping point up until now. They’d come close many times...too close on his graduation night and then even closer on hers, but she hadn’t been ready.
She felt ready now though, and it wasn’t just the hormones talking. She had vowed to never let her hormones make this decision for her. But this time it was her heart giving the go-ahead.
“I’m ready, Gunner.” He’d told her he loved her. And he’d done it in a way that she could believe it was true. She had decided long ago she wasn’t going to give herself to someone who would say whatever it took to get in her pants and Gunner had proven time and time again he wouldn’t be that guy.
He pulled his hands from her breasts, moving them to her hips, his face still inches from hers. “You said you wanted to wait until you were married.”
The corners of her mouth turned up slightly. “I wanted to see how you’d react.”
“I don’t care about sex, Rae. I don’t want you to think that waiting will change us or how I feel about you. I can wait as long as you need me to. I don’t want to pressure you.” His breathing was heavy.
“You aren’t,” she assured him. “I’ve thought about this. A lot actually. I’m ready.”
“Are you sure?” he asked, his eyes lighting up. She reveled in how happy he seemed.
“I am,” she told him confidently, though she felt anything but. “But I’m nervous.”
“You don’t have to be nervous,” he told her, hugging her tight. “I’ll be gentle.” He let out a small, nervous laugh. “And we can stop if you change your mind.”
“
Okay,” she said, nodding. She reached behind her, starting to unclasp her bra.
“Wait.” He touched her arm, pulling her hands to her sides. “Not here. No way am I letting your first time be in a mildewy old tree house filled with ants and pinecones.”
“I don’t care where we are.”
“I do,” he said, bending over and grabbing her shirt from the ground. He shook it off before handing it back to her. “I care because I care about you. And I care about this memory. I’m not letting this be it for you. Let’s go back to the house.”
She threw her shirt over her head, unsure of what to say. He helped her down the ladder and out of the woods quickly, both of them lost in their own thoughts. When they made it back to the house, it was empty. She sighed with relief, not sure she could’ve gone through with any of it if she’d had to see Gavin and Holly.
“You still okay?” he asked, squeezing her hand.
She looked down the long hallway to where she assumed the bedrooms must be. “Yes,” she whispered, following him as he began walking through the living room. Waves of excitement and nervousness rushed over her as he opened the second door and flipped on the light. The small bedroom had an old wooden bed, a white quilt and lace pillows covering the mattress.
“Breathe,” he instructed her and she let out a breath she hadn’t been consciously holding in. He smiled, walking to the bed and sitting down. She tried desperately to calm her nerves, following his lead as he patted the comforter, waiting for her. “This doesn’t have to happen tonight,” he told her, making fierce eye contact.
She nodded. “Do you want it to?”
“It doesn’t matter what I want. This is about you.”
“It matters to me,” she whispered, feeling cool tears in her eyes.
“I’ve wanted to do this for a very long time,” he said, “but if I’m being honest...I’m terrified. Maybe more than you.”
“You are?” she asked, unable to hide her surprise.
He ran a finger over her leg. “Some days I’m still waiting to wake up and realize this was all some dream. I am terrified we’ll do this and I’ll somehow mess up this moment for you. I want it to be everything you want...but that’s a lot of pressure on me.”
“It’s just sex, Gunner.” She shrugged casually, trying to seem more aloof than she felt.
“No,” he insisted, wiping away her first tear as it fell. “No, it’ll never be just sex with you. Trust me...when we do it, if we do it, it will be something special. You, Reagan, you deserve for it to be special.”
She leaned forward, more sure of her decision than ever as their lips collided. The universe seemed to stop spinning and nothing else mattered. No one else existed but the two of them. She laid back on the bed carefully, allowing him to pull her shirt over her head.
“If you change your mind—”
“You’ll be the first to know,” she promised him, pulling his shirt off quickly. Their bare skin pressed into each other’s, Reagan’s body felt as though it were on fire. His hands moved carefully over her bra straps, pulling them off her shoulders so her breasts were exposed. He lowered himself so his mouth found them, her eyes rolling back in pleasure.
She felt him fidgeting with her shorts, his thumb rolling over the button. He slid the zipper down easily and she lifted her hips, helping him to remove her pants, her eyes locked on his.
She nodded, assuring him it was still okay. She was really doing this. He slid a hand between her legs, causing her to squirm. Everything he did to her felt amazing. Her body pulsed electricity: every hair stood on end, every inch of skin carried its own heartbeat. To her dismay, his hand stopped moving, and she opened her eyes.
Don’t stop, she wanted to beg, but she remained silent, staring at him wildly.
“Still okay?” he asked again, his hands on his own belt as he stood up. She looked over his bare chest, nodding. As he pulled his pants down, she leaned forward, trying to calm her racing thoughts. She pressed her lips to his chest, wanting to taste every inch of him. He pulled his boxers down slowly and her eyes traveled to the part of him she’d spent so long imagining. She reached out, her hand taking hold of him as he pulsed under her fingers.
He laid her back onto the bed once more, moving the covers down and allowing her to crawl under them. He pulled a purple wrapper from the wallet in his pants pocket and tore it open.
“I’ll go slow,” he swore to her as he slid the condom over himself. “You can stop me if you need to.” She nodded, reaching for his skin again and pulling him to her. “I love you,” he reminded her as he inched under the covers. He kissed her forehead, nose, and finally her mouth. His kisses were delicate as they both shook with adrenaline, their breathing uneasy. His hand was between her legs and she felt him slide his knee in between hers.
“I love you back,” she told him as their lips separated.
“This may hurt a little,” he warned her. She wanted to say something witty, like ‘well, someone’s sure of himself’ but nerves got the best of her and she could only smile nervously.
She felt his hand guiding himself closer to her and she spread her legs wider to help him. Her skin was cold, her breathing growing faster. He moved slowly, his eyes on her, judging her expression. She felt his shaking fingers and suddenly pressure filled her as he slid inside. He didn’t move right away, allowing her body to adjust to accommodate his size. It was strange, feeling him in the place that had always been empty.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
She nodded, a small whimper escaping her throat. He leaned down, kissing her neck as he began to move inside of her. The feeling was new, but amazing. She moved rhythmically with him, their bodies fitting together like they’d been made that way. Made for each other.
* * *
His tossing and turning seemed to be keeping her awake. “I’m going outside for a bit,” he whispered to her. She nodded, half asleep.
“Everything okay?” she asked, yawning.
He kissed her head. “I just need some air. Everything’s fine,” he assured her, slipping on his pants and easing out the door. Gunner walked down the hall, his body still wired from being with her. He couldn’t sleep, for fear he’d forget a single thing about their night. He took a glass from the counter, filling it with water and taking a sip.
He walked out onto the deck, shutting the door quietly and looking at the purple sky. The morning felt alive somehow, better. A permanent smile filled his all-too-often stony face.
He shook his head, still in disbelief. Reagan had changed his world so much over the past two years. Not just in the obvious ways—he now found himself in a good mood more often. He had something to look forward to. She was his happy place, and he hadn’t fully allowed himself to admit it until that night. He felt his wall starting to break for her.
He took another drink of water, running a hand through his hair and yawning. It was amazing how much he felt for her. Love, hope, protection, desire...it was all there, swirling and spinning inside of him. Before this, before Reagan, he’d never dreamed he could love someone the way he loved her. He would do anything for her. His heart jumped in his chest at just the thought of being with her.
He took another drink, pulling a cigarette from his pocket and lighting it. He had to be realistic. Reagan wouldn’t love him for long. She couldn’t. Soon enough she’d see how damaged he was. She’d realize he wasn’t right for her, wasn’t enough for her. And he’d have to let her go. He would, though it would destroy him, because it was what she needed. Someone whole. Someone who could love her the way a girl like her should be loved. Gunner could never be that guy, though he had tried so hard. Truth was, there was a darkness inside him...a darkness that was always lurking in the back of his mind. He was meant to be alone. His greatest fear was hurting her, breaking her heart the way he’d watched his dad break his mom’s every day. He was cruel to her. Cold. Distant. Gunner had never seen them smile at each other. Most days, they were hateful roommates, arguing over food or
bills. And those were the good days, the ones that didn’t end with an emergency room visit.
He could never let Reagan see that side of his life. He hated that he’d even told her about it. He didn’t want her pity or her worry. He wanted to take care of her, to be exactly what she wanted. Despite everything, every good intention he had for her, he spent everyday waiting for her to tell him his time was up. She was going to move on—it was inevitable. Girls like Reagan Orrick didn’t love guys like him. They couldn’t. Not really, because they’d never truly know them. She’d never know Gunner the way she wanted, and therefore would never be able to love him the way she needed.
He heard a door shut inside the quiet house and then footsteps. A door shut again. Wondering if she’d woken up, he walked back inside. As he sat the cup down in the sink, his eyes searched the dark room for her but she was nowhere to be found. He tiptoed across the hardwood floors on his way to the bathroom. He grabbed the bottle of blue mouthwash from the sink, not wanting to rid himself of the taste of her but also not wanting to knock her out with his morning breath. He hadn’t thought to bring a toothbrush so the mouthwash would have to do. He walked to the toilet, lifting up the seat to relieve his full bladder. The water in the bowl was still running and he realized she must’ve woken up to use the restroom.
Suddenly, he heard quiet laughter, and then whispers coming from the bedroom. What the hell is she doing? he wondered sleepily, a yawn overtaking him.
He turned, pulling his pants back up, flushing the toilet, and running his hands under the water quickly. He exited the room, crossing the hall and twisting the bedroom doorknob. He walked into the bedroom, staring at her in the pale moonlight. Just like that, his whole world—every happiness in his life—shattered before his eyes.
* * *
Gunner pulled into the driveway at top speed, flinging gravel as he came to a stop. He jumped out of his car, running up the front walk and slamming the door as he entered.
The Cleaner Page 9
