“That’s a loaded question,” he said with a smirk, “but yeah. It’s all right.”
“What do you do?” She sat down at the island, her face in her hands as if she were hearing the most interesting thing in the world.
“It’s called biomedical decon. But, most people just call me a cleaner.” He watched her expression change from interest to confusion.
“A cleaner? What are we talking about...like a housekeeper or the mob?”
He laughed loudly, starting to feel at ease with her again. They fit easily back into each other’s lives, which made it all the more difficult for Gunner to keep his distance. “Neither. I clean crime scenes.”
“Like dead bodies?” She looked mortified.
“Well, the bodies are usually gone before I arrive. I just clean up their mess.”
She smiled, looking away as if she were thinking. “A cleaner, hm? How fitting for you. You always were cleaning up my messes.”
“You weren’t a mess.”
“Is it disgusting?” she asked. It was one of the many questions Gunner hated answering. In short, of course it was. But that wasn’t the answer people wanted to hear. At least, it wasn’t the only answer. They wanted to hear details and Gunner couldn’t get into them. Not here. Not with her. So, he settled on a vague answer.
“You get used to it after a while. But, yeah, most of the time it’s pretty disgusting. What about you? What do you do?”
“I’m a teacher,” she said.
“A teacher? That’s perfect for you.”
“I love it.” Her smile told him she truly did.
“I’m glad you do. You’re a good influence. Always have been.”
“Did you wonder about me?” she asked, her voice cracking. He saw her then, not the confident woman who sat in front of him but the terrified teenager he’d fallen so in love with.
“Every single day.” His eyes locked with hers. They were both shocked by his brutal honesty.
She covered her eyes, concealing tears. “You shouldn’t have left.”
“I know,” he said, taking her hands from her face and holding them gently. “But we can’t change it now.”
Her chin quivered. “I wish we could.”
“No, you don’t. Your life is beautiful, Rae. What you’ve done with Nora, this house, your job...everything is just the way you wanted. I’m proud of you.”
“Nora grounded me. She kept me strong because I had to be for her. But that doesn’t mean it was easy. I still waited for your call for months. I knew you weren’t going to be the person knocking on my door or the one walking into the room but that didn’t stop me from looking for you every single time. I searched for your car in every parking lot I pulled into. For years, Gunner. For years, I waited for you to come home to me. Nothing is how I wanted it to be.”
“If I could change it, I would take it back in a heartbeat.”
She took her hands back from his, wiping away a tear. “But you can’t. No matter how bad we wish you could. Life goes on, right? It has to. And I’m really happy with Jesse. I am. He’s good to me. To Nora.”
“I’m glad he makes you happy,” he said, taking a step away from her.
“It was supposed to be you,” she said, looking up at him from behind her dark, tear-coated lashes. “But I don’t know how to fix that now. There’s just...too much missing.”
“I know,” he said, though he disagreed. “We’re going to have to figure this all out as we go. But, I don’t want you to feel bad about your living your life. You had every right to move on and find happiness. As long as you have that with Jesse, I’m fine.”
“Did you...move on?” she asked, her voice hesitant. “Are you seeing someone?” He saw her glance to his hand, checking for a ring.
“No,” he assured her. “Not right now. But, you know me...I do better alone.”
She smiled half-heartedly. “I’m sorry, Gunner. I really am.”
“I am too.” He wasn’t sure exactly what they were apologizing for.
* * *
The day of Holly’s funeral came too soon. Gunner arrived at the funeral home with his mother shortly after the visitation started. He’d bought a new suit, since the only other one he owned was the one he’d worn to prom. He laid eyes on Reagan immediately. She stood at the front of the room, near the casket. It was strange—something about her grief made her even more beautiful. Because she had experienced such immense pain, she was suddenly more real to him. More attainable. Suddenly, she wasn’t something off in the distance to be admired, but rather a real person he could get close to. A real person he could love. A real person who might’ve once loved him back.
Nora stood beside her. She was too young to be feeling such grief. Gunner wanted nothing more than to go to her, stand beside them both and help them through something he knew so well. Death was comfortable to him. Familiar. Grief no longer felt foreign and cold. It was something he knew he could handle. Something he knew he was good at.
Interrupting his thoughts, he locked eyes with Reagan, who offered a small smile. He smiled back, lowering his head slightly as a sign of respect. A man approached her and she broke Gunner’s eye contact. He could see only the back of the man’s head, his blond hair slicked over. Gunner watched him kiss Reagan’s lips and white-hot jealousy filled his belly.
The man turned around to stand beside her, his arm wrapping around her waist, his other hand on Nora’s shoulder. Gunner’s jaw dropped as he recognized him immediately. “Jesse” was Jess Marshall, captain of the football team, son of the mayor. He was everything Gunner wasn’t. Gunner closed his fists, pulling his mother’s arm gently to direct her toward the line that had begun forming.
They made their way toward the casket fairly quickly. Gunner looked down at Holly’s body, touching her hand gently and closing his eyes for a moment of silence. He tried to block out the images floating through his mind of the day he found her. When he opened his eyes, he looked her over once more. Her black hair was curled carefully around her face and her green dress perfectly matched her sister’s eyes. Gunner looked away. Reagan was everywhere in his mind. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop seeing her.
The pain of seeing Reagan again was like a sunburn you hadn’t realized you’d gotten—you may be oblivious to it for a while, but eventually you’re bound to scratch it and then it becomes all you can focus on. Reagan was his sunburn, but rather than fading with time, she burned more each day. New York had been a welcome distraction, but back in Dale he was a seventeen-year-old kid again...head over heels in love with the girl he knew he couldn’t keep.
Staring at the two of them—Reagan and Jess—a picture-perfect couple, he realized that he would have to leave Dale soon. That night if possible. He couldn’t take watching her love someone else. It would destroy him, just like it had before.
As the line moved, they made it to the family, quickly whispering their condolences to Gemma and Scott. Gemma smiled at him warmly, despite her tears. “I’m glad you could come, Gunner.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss,” came his automatic response. “This is my mother, Misty.”
“I’ve always wanted to meet you,” Gemma said politely. “Thank you both for coming.”
When they reached Reagan, Jesse, and Nora, Jesse held out his hand. “Gunner, it’s great to see you, man. I’m glad you could make it home.”
“Thanks,” Gunner said, shaking his hand firmly. “I’m glad I could too.” He looked to Reagan. “I’m really sorry.”
“Thank you, Gunner.”
Gunner leaned down to Nora, whose face was shiny with fresh tears. “Hey, kiddo. You hanging in there?”
Nora nodded. “I’m just really sad.”
“I know,” he told her, rubbing her head. “I am too.”
The next day, Gunner drove through Dale on his way to her house. He couldn’t leave without saying good-bye this time, no matter how badly he wanted to. He pulled up in front of the yellow house and walked up to the do
or, knocking.
Reagan answered the door after a few moments, looking like she’d just woken up.
“Gunner? What are you doing here?” She shielded her eyes from the sun.
“I came to say goodbye,” he told her firmly.
“Goodbye? What do you mean? You’re leaving already?”
“I am. I have to get back to work. My plan was to only stay for the funeral. I owed you both that.”
“What about Nora?”
“I’ll be back in a month or two. I won’t stay gone for long anymore, I promise.”
She shook her head, crossing her arms. “That’s not enough, Gunner,” she said, stepping further toward him and closing the door slightly.
“What would you rather I do?” He stood his ground, staring at her with doubt.
“I’d rather you stay here and be a father,” she retorted.
“I can’t just stay here, Rae. It isn’t that simple. I have a life in New York. There’s nothing here for me.”
She rolled her eyes. “Whatever, Gunner. Whatever you say. Like always.”
“Are you mad at me? I’m doing everything I know to do for you both, I really am.”
“I’m not mad,” she said angrily.
“Well, you’re acting mad and I’m sorry but you have no right to be. You’re marrying Jesse, right?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, then. I don’t want to get in the way of that. But I’m also not going to sit around and watch you love him.”
“You left me, Gunner. And it’s not like you want me anymore anyway. You said it yourself: we have to move on.”
“Yes, have to. As in, still haven’t. You know I haven’t. And I won’t as long as I’m still here...still seeing you. Which is why I have to leave.”
She looked down, kicking a rock on the concrete. “What if I don’t want you to leave?”
“Why wouldn’t you?” he demanded.
“You know why.”
“I don’t, Reagan. Because you’re with someone else. And that’s fine, but I can’t stay here and watch it happen.” His tone grew serious as he spoke again. “It’s breaking my heart.” It was his last attempt at getting her back. “Can’t you see that?”
Tears filled her eyes at his words. “I don’t know what to do.”
He stepped forward, brushing the tears away and lowering his voice. “I don’t want to make your life more complicated. That wasn’t my goal when I came home.”
Suddenly, the door opened wider and Nora was standing in front of him. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing, Nor,” Reagan assured her. She wiped her tears quickly, stepping away from Gunner and touching the girl’s shoulder. “Gunner just stopped by to tell us he’s heading back home.”
“You’re leaving?” the girl asked, seemingly upset by the news.
“He can’t stay, baby,” she told her, her eyes on Gunner.
“But why?” Nora whined. “I like you.”
“I like you too,” Gunner said, bending down so he was eye level to her. “I’ll be back soon so we can get to know each other more.”
“Jesse doesn’t like you,” she said matter-of-factly, eyeing him.
“Nora,” Reagan scolded her. “Don’t be rude. Why on earth would you say that?” She bent down to meet her eyes as well.
“That’s what he said. He said Gunner was mean to you and he didn’t think it was a good idea for him to be here.”
“When did he say that?”
The girl looked down guiltily. “I heard you talking last night when you thought I was asleep.”
“You know you aren’t supposed to eavesdrop on our conversations.” Her face grew tight with frustration.
“‘Cause I might hear something bad?” she asked carefully.
“You might hear something meant for adult ears,” Reagan confirmed.
“Mommy, does Jesse lie?” the girl asked, looking down, her voice innocent and small.
“Of course not, baby. Why?”
“So, Gunner did hurt you?”
Reagan looked to Gunner before she answered. “Would you please come inside?” He followed her lead into the living room where Reagan sat Nora down on the couch and squatted in front of her, clutching the girl’s knees. With a sigh, Reagan began. “Gunner was a very good friend of mommy’s when we were in school.”
“Like a Jesse friend or an aunt Holly friend?”
Reagan winced at her sister’s name, still raw from her loss. “Like a Jesse friend.”
“So, you loved her?” she asked, her eyes lighting up as she looked at Gunner.
Before he could be stopped, the answer fell from his mouth. “Yes, I did.” He smiled at her before looking to Reagan. Their eyes locked on one another. “Once upon a time, we were very in love.”
“So did you hurt her?” Nora asked again, causing them to break eye contact.
“It’s complicated,” Reagan whispered, her words carefully chosen.
“But you said Jesse isn’t a liar. So, if he isn’t a liar then he told the truth. He said Gunner hurt you.”
Reagan patted her chest. “He did hurt my heart.” She wiped a quick tear from the corner of her eyes. “But he didn’t mean to. Gunner is a good friend to mommy and it’s okay now.” Nora was quiet for a moment. “Do you understand, Nor?”
“Did Jesse tell the truth about everything?” Suddenly, there were tears in the little girl’s eyes and Gunner began to panic. Reagan moved her hand to Nora’s cheek swiftly, stroking her face.
“What else did you hear?”
Nora’s bottom lip quivered as she looked between them, avoiding eye contact.
“Nora?” Reagan begged. “What is it, sweetie?” Nora’s gaze fell to the floor. She swung her feet, bumping the bottom of the couch repeatedly. Reagan put up a hand to stop her. “Nora...tell me.”
The girl looked to Gunner, tears continuing to fall from her wide eyes. “Are you my dad?”
The room was instantly silent. Gunner’s stomach twisted into a solid knot. His skin grew cold and a thin layer of sweat began collecting on his forehead. “Nora, I...I’m...”
“You said Jesse isn’t a liar. And you also said two people have to be in love to have a baby. And you were in love. So, is he my dad?” she demanded, looking at Reagan.
“Yes,” Reagan answered firmly and Gunner felt the weight of their secret leave his shoulders immediately.
“You are?” she asked, her voice rising.
“I am,” he confirmed.
“Why didn’t you want me then?” she asked, her chin quivering again. She lifted her hands to cover her eyes.
Reagan pulled her into her arms, rubbing her back. “Oh, sweetheart, he did. It’s really complicated. Gunner didn’t know about you because he left and we didn’t get to talk for a really long time.”
“Didn’t you want me to have a dad?” she asked.
“More than anything, Nor. I want that more than anything. That’s why I was so happy you and Jesse get along so well.”
“So, when you marry him...he’ll be my daddy, right? Does that mean Gunner won’t be anymore?”
Reagan covered her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose. Gunner could see the stress in her temples. “Sweetheart, you are so so loved. You know that, right?”
“Yes, I know.”
“Okay, so there are plenty of people who love you. Mommy loves you and grandma and grandpa love you. And aunt Holly loved you very much. And now Jesse loves you and Gunner loves you too. So, things are going to be a little different around here for a while, because mommy and Jesse and Gunner have a lot to figure out. But, no matter what happens, you have to remember how much you are loved. That’s the most important thing, okay?”
She frowned. “Okay.”
“I know you have a lot of questions for us. And we’ll try to answer them. We may not have the answers though...not yet.”
“Okay,” the girl repeated.
“So do you have anything you want to ask us right now?”
“Okay, go ahead.”
“Why do you have to leave?” she asked Gunner. Her eyes burned into his. Gunner swallowed hard, trying to find the words to speak.
“I don’t,” he said finally, the only words he could muster.
Reagan’s head jerked to look at him in shock. “You’re staying?”
He wasn’t sure, but he couldn’t possibly bring himself to break that little girl’s heart. “I would love to stay.” He smiled at her, soaking up her growing smile. “I do have to go home though. At least for a little while.” He watched her smile disappear. “I have to find a subletter for my apartment, pack up my stuff, put in some notice at work. It’ll take me a bit to find work and a place here.”
“You’re really staying?” Reagan asked doubtfully.
“I’m going to do everything in my power to make that happen.”
“How long will you be gone?”
“I honestly don’t know,” he told her. “Not long, I hope.”
“I don’t want you to leave,” Nora pouted dramatically. “You’ve already missed seven whole years of my life.”
“Nora, I promise you I won’t be gone long. We can talk on the phone everyday. We’re going to get to know each other. That’s a promise too. I am so sorry I’ve missed so much but I’ll tell you what...I am so excited to be your dad.”
She smiled. “So, can I go with you?”
“No,” he said quickly. “No, you have to stay here with your mommy.”
“But why?” she whined. “You said you’re coming back, so why can’t I go with you? Mom could go too.”
“Your mom needs you here,” he said, looking to Reagan for help. She had a strange look on her face. “What?” he asked.
“We could go,” she said, her eyes searching his.
“You said no to New York.”
“I said no to Nora going to New York. But, if you really plan to come back...we could go with you.”
“Are you serious?” He couldn’t believe it, though he desperately wanted to.
“You and Nora need to spend more time together. You could show her where you live. We could help you pack up or whatever. I mean, we couldn’t stay for long. But, we’re on summer break from school so it’s not like we’re busy with anything. Plus, it would give us time to really get this whole co-parenting situation figured out.”
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