Leotis spoke up quickly. “That’s all right, Miss Sharvon!” But Leotis wasn’t quick enough, and neither was Sister Betty. Sharvon had slammed down the phone and was practically out the front door before either of them could say another word.
Sister Betty snatched a spare bottle of blessed oil off the fireplace mantel and raced out the door.
A few minutes later Sharvon stood in Leotis’s living room, her hand on one hip and her finger pointed in Ima’s face. “This man of God does not want you stepping on and off his property or inside his home anytime you feel like!”
Sister Betty heard Sharvon’s voice booming through Leotis’s open door as soon as she stepped onto his front porch. No sooner had she come inside his living room than she saw Armageddon in full swing. Sharvon was still dressed in a nice pair of blue fitted slacks, a white short-sleeved blouse, and See by Chloe three-hundred-dollar, five-inch white sandals. Nothing she wore was a match for Ima’s hooker-work gear. Despite his call for help, Ima’s man-getting halter top held Leotis’s eyes imprisoned. It didn’t look like he was trying to escape.
“If he didn’t want me stopping by when I’m in the neighborhood, then he could’ve said so,” Ima lied to Sharvon. “The cat ain’t got his tongue.”
Oh yes, that cat does have that tongue, Sister Betty thought as she looked over at Leotis. Or he would’ve said something during the three minutes that I’ve been standing here.
“Well, I’m here now as his attorney, and I’m telling you to back off, before I get a restraining order on your trifling behind.”
“Who are you calling a trifling behind?” Ima’s huge bosom seemed to swell, threatening to break loose and breast slap Sharvon. Her green eyes became the color of moss as she stepped forward, placing both hands on her hips, but nowhere near where Sharvon could reach out and snatch her by her halter. Words shot out of her mouth, aiming with accuracy at Sharvon. “I work hard for what I have!”
Using the space Ima had left between them, Sharvon took several steps in Ima’s direction, stopping within a couple of inches. “And I’m certain your back must be killing you from it.” Sharvon, who was only slightly taller than Ima at five foot eight to Ima’s five-six, then took a few steps back, leaving her anger still in Ima’s space. “Spend time with a chiropractor and stay away from my client! I am not telling you again.”
During the time the two young women traded barbs, Sister Betty had moved quickly to the other side of the room. She stood by Leotis, who remained by the telephone. She leaned in. “You’re a man of God, son,” she whispered loudly in his ear. She thought it was the only way of getting him out of the she-devil’s trance.
He jumped just a little, which told Sister Betty she’d surprised him. Still whispering loudly, she snapped, “You letting this go on and from the way you drooling, I’d say you was enjoying it a bit too much.”
It took Leotis a few minutes to finally move from his comfortable buzzard perch. He began talking in his bass-like preaching voice, trying to sound in charge. “I’m trying to be as delicate as I can, and it doesn’t seem to work. So from this point on, I will act as I should. I’m not a best friend. I’m a man of God who will be available only for spiritual matters, unless it’s a matter of the utmost urgency. Is that clear, ladies?”
“Yes, Reverend Leotis Tom,” Ima purred. She shot a quick glance toward Sharvon. “You can call off your legal buzzard.”
“Sharvon does not handle any of my legal affairs!” The words had flown out of his mouth a full two seconds before his brain had a chance to choose them wisely. The pained and embarrassed look on Sharvon’s face made him feel as though he’d stabbed someone who’d wanted only to help. Lord, help me.
Sharvon didn’t say a word—not to Sister Betty or to Leotis—and never looked in Ima’s direction. She held her head high, losing count of how many times he’d tossed her feelings aside in Ima’s presence. She turned and slowly walked out the front door, leaving behind any thoughts of or plans for saving Leotis from himself for him in her love life.
No sooner had Sharvon walked out the door than Ima looked at Sister Betty. With her back now to Leotis, Ima winked and quickly extended her left hand. She wiggled her vacant ring finger before giving her a thumbs-up and a wide grin. Quickly dropping the facade, she turned around. Her eyes appeared watery as she looked at him.
Sister Betty glared at Ima’s back. She knew Ima had just given her an “I won” gesture. But Sister Betty had a look, too. She peered past Ima and gave Leotis a look that said, “You’ve lost big-time.”
During the days after Leotis put his foot down, shaming Sharvon and surrendering his willpower to Ima to continue her shameless pursuit, Sharvon was away on a case consultation in Spartanburg, South Carolina. All that week, whenever possible, she’d call home. Each time Sister Betty tried to bring up Leotis’s name, no matter the context, the conversation between them was always the same, and tonight wasn’t any different.
Sister Betty began their conversation by speaking so fast, it was hard to tell if she was speaking English or in tongues. “Sharvon, I wish you’d been here last Friday night,” she gushed. “Chile, the service was hot. The young adult choir almost came out of their robes when they sang ‘He’s Able.’ And you know Bea and Sasha almost beat each other down to the floor, trying to outshout one another.”
Sharvon’s reply was quick and a bit out of character, yet she left no doubt that she wasn’t interested. “Well, you know Mother Sasha and Bea should just go ahead and sign up for a WWE wrestling match and get it over with,” she told Sister Betty. Sharvon then began laughing, almost to the point where she seemed to lose her breath.
She’s trying so hard, Sister Betty thought. I wish she would just forgive Leotis so she could get back to her old self.
“Hmmm, so, Cousin Betty, how is the wedding planning coming along? You don’t have a lot of time, because fall is just around the corner.”
“Freddie and I are still trying to decide on a few honeymoon details, but you and I can discuss the wedding later in person.” At this moment neither the wedding nor the honeymoon was something she wanted to discuss. She really wanted Sharvon to get over her anger with Leotis and not let Ima get the upper hand. Sharvon wouldn’t have to date Leotis if she didn’t want to; she just needed to make sure he didn’t let Ima dig her claws into his oughta-be-sanctified soul.
Sister Betty inhaled, silently prayed for wisdom. This was her younger second cousin, the only daughter of her closest first cousin, Belle. From the time Sharvon came to visit after burying Belle over in Belton, South Carolina, six months ago, Sister Betty had stepped up to the plate, trying to become as close to Sharvon as she was certain Belle would’ve wanted.
Taking a deep breath, Sister Betty continued. “Reverend Tom preached so hard that before the congregation knew it, he’d gone deep into the Word of God and taken us up before the throne of grace.”
“Well, some of those preaching the Word so high and mighty are the very ones that’s living the lowest!” Sharvon spoke quickly, stepping all over Sister Betty’s praises of Leotis. “Right now there is nothing that man can do to make me believe that he’s all of what he preaches.”
“Oh, Sharvon, you’ve got to forget about Ima. She don’t mean nothing to Leotis. I know it. He’s just trying to save a soul the best way he knows how.”
“No, he’s not!” Sharvon shot back. “He’s trying to save his ass the best way he knows how!”
Sister Betty was shocked, not only at Sharvon’s attitude but also at her language. The word ass as it was used in the Bible meant “mule.” Although at that moment, Sharvon definitely was acting as stubborn as a mule. Sister Betty was certain that a mule was the farthest thing from Sharvon’s mind.
A few minutes later Freddie arrived just as Sister Betty hung up from her telephone call with Sharvon. Before he could give her a peck on the cheek, missing her face by inches, she began pacing back and forth.
Sister Betty began reciting chapter and verse to F
reddie. Sharvon’s words had stung and were trapped in her ears, and in her heart, and needed releasing.
“Honey Bee, are you sure you heard her correctly?”
Sister Betty twisted her lips, as if he’d said something disgusting to hurt her feelings. “I have good hearing, Freddie. I know what she said. I’m telling you that Sharvon tore Leotis’s Christian reputation apart, as though he’d never done a good thing for nobody! She cussed, too!”
“Honey Bee, I’m sorry this whole mess has upset you.” Freddie sat on the sofa, and with nothing else coming to mind that would immediately calm her, he pulled from under his arm a packet of brochures he’d been holding. “I am hoping that perhaps we can finalize our honeymoon plans. I need to put down a deposit as soon as possible since I couldn’t get the money back from the cruise we missed.”
They had decided months ago, when they’d begun making plans, that they wanted to spend their honeymoon in places where neither of them had ever been. They’d settled on Mexico and Jamaica. They’d gotten as far as deciding that it would not be Dunn’s River Falls, because they were too old to climb slippery rocks, plus neither would wear a bathing suit in public.
When he’d fallen ill almost nine months ago and the wedding had been postponed, they had to start anew with their planning. Although Sister Betty seemed preoccupied with everything that was happening with Sharvon, Leotis, and Ima, earlier that day Freddie had gone ahead with the planning. He’d added Cozumel to their itinerary. All he needed now was for her to say, “Okay, honey. That’s perfect.” But she didn’t seem interested enough to even ask about the brochures now lying plainly in his hands. She also didn’t seem to notice the sad face that’d replaced the one of concern a moment ago.
Chapter 9
Several days after Ima’s visit to Leotis’s house, Ima left her sparsely furnished apartment in a poorer area of Pelzer. It was the only area she could afford at that moment, and she was truly happy that the reverend had never offered to drive her home, although that was what she’d wanted. She was sure she could handle the awkward situation if things went her way. Feeling the need to clear her head, she decided that instead of driving, she’d walk the ten blocks to visit Sasha. She stepped off the elevator just in time to find Sasha returning to her apartment from emptying the trash in the incinerator.
Between the elevator and the four doors separating it from Sasha’s apartment, Ima declared, “I’m marrying Reverend Leotis Tom.”
“Get real,” Sasha replied as they entered her apartment. “I’d rather believe a chicken has an udder and cows have feathers.”
“Oh, you’d better believe it,” Ima bragged. “I’m gonna become a first lady.”
“And just how will this miracle happen?” Sasha sucked her teeth hard enough for her dentures to slip. She used her tiny tongue to push them back into place before she began chiding Ima. “First of all,” Sasha said, “what do you know about being the first lady of a church? You’ve only come close to being a first lady by way of a dumb engagement to a married preacher.”
“Whatever!”
“No, it’s not whatever,” Sasha snapped. “It’s whenever. It’s whenever you get one of those ridiculous ideas in your head about a man, you always come up with the short end of the condom.”
“Say what you wanna,” Ima said, pointing her finger in Sasha’s face. “I have a plan, and when I’m done, that man will see me as nothing but first-class first lady material!” Ima quickly turned on her heels and left Sasha’s apartment. With no time or desire to wait on the elevator, she raced through the exit door instead and took the steps down.
That afternoon Ima went shopping in downtown Anderson. She managed to max out several of her credit cards by shopping in expensive boutiques. When she finished, she called Leotis. She decided not to leave a message when his answering machine at home answered. Instead, she called the cell phone number on the business card he’d given her when they first met.
“This is Reverend Leotis Tom speaking. How may I help you?”
The deep Isaac Hayes sound of his bass voice coming through the cell phone gripped Ima as though it’d lassoed her entire being. She’d fallen for other men from time to time, but she’d never swooned at the sound of a voice, not even Barry White’s, whose sexy music she kept on repeat.
“Hello, Reverend,” Ima said softly. “I hope I haven’t disturbed you, but I feel so awkward from how things went the other day. I’m not certain what to do.”
“You don’t have to do anything, Ima. I believe I made myself clear to you and Sharvon.”
At the mention of Sharvon’s name, Ima clenched the cell phone hard enough for it to crack. Somehow she maintained her composure, because she had other things to consider.
“I know you feel that it was settled, but I don’t. And just to show you that I mean no harm and would really like for us to be friends, I have an offer.”
“That’s not necessary,” Leotis said with a questioning tone. The way the conversation was going, he wasn’t sure if Ima was setting him up for something confrontational or if his semi-harsh words had finally gotten through to her. “I’m going to accept your apology at face value,” he told her. “I need to return to Pelzer, and the traffic in downtown Anderson is bumper to bumper right now.”
As soon as Ima heard the words downtown Anderson, she took it as a sign that her plan was ordained. Perhaps God was showing her favor, but she’d just have to work a little harder to get this man.
“I know what you mean about this traffic,” Ima replied. “I’m stuck in it myself, as we speak. I’m about ready to just pull over and wait for the rush hour to die down, or whatever is that’s causing the delay to go away.”
“Oddly enough,” Leotis said, chuckling, “I thought about doing the same.” Leotis looked at his reflection in his rearview mirror. He had a big grin on his face, and there was no one responsible for it at that moment but Ima. He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.
“I’ve got an idea,” she told him.
“Should that make me nervous?” Leotis teased.
Ima sensed him weakening. “Probably, but not today,” she sighed. “I’m sure you’re probably hungry, and like me, you’re not a fan of fast food. Why don’t you see if you can make your way over to Le Posh, and if you can, then the late lunch is on me.”
“Now, that’s sorta ritzy,” Leotis teased. “I know the place well. In fact, it’s where I usually bring my out-of-town clergy to dine, and it’s only a couple of blocks away from Sharvon’s law office, too.”
At the mention of Sharvon’s name again, Ima tuned him out. “So it’s a date, then?”
Leotis tried several times to say no, but each time he spoke to Ima, it went from “Today is not a good time” to “I’m about ten blocks away. I’ll meet you there.”
Ima hung up her cell phone and laid it beside her on the car seat. She removed the pearl-trimmed sunglasses she wore and glanced toward the Anderson skyline. The weather couldn’t have been better, and it seemed to cooperate with her quickly thought-up plan. She’d picked a beautiful sunny day to suggest eating at Le Posh Restaurant.
She’d chosen the high-class restaurant not only for its location in the historic part of Anderson but also with another purpose in mind.
First ladies from megachurches in Pelzer, Belton, Piedmont, and Williamston, South Carolina, dined at Le Posh. Although some of their husbands weren’t particularly handsome, the men had enough fame and fortune to offset their lack of good looks, so their wives brought them along as arm candy. In the winter the women shamelessly showed off their latest first lady attire of floor-length mink coats. In the warmer weather, they wore two- or three-tiered hats designed to impress, and their manicured hands sported expensive diamonds and other jewelry that rivaled the sun’s shine. Along with the silent fashion show were whispered conversations coming from various cliques seated around the room as the women planned events or caught up on the latest gossip.
Then there were the othe
r first ladies, anointed and a gift to their husbands and their churches. Ima wasn’t interested in those women.
Ima parked outside the restaurant and waited there for Leotis. She could’ve gone inside and waited for him, but then that wouldn’t have suited her purpose. She hadn’t planned beyond getting Leotis to see her as someone appropriate to be on his arm and in his life. She’d already ruled out always acting like a vixen or tossing out sexual innuendos. They weren’t having the desired effect, and she didn’t want to go around showing Leotis her legs to get his attention. She would if she had to, but she wanted to try something different first. If what she wore got the right reaction from those she considered the stuck-up first ladies and their equally pious husbands, then she believed Leotis’s doubts about her would vanish.
Twenty minutes passed. Ima soon tired of waiting inside her hot car for Leotis to arrive. She’d have preferred to enter the place on his arm, but she figured the heavy traffic still had him running late. Within a few minutes after entering Le Posh, Ima strutted slowly behind the maitre d’as he led her to a white linen table for two at a window, where she could watch what was happening outside as well as enjoy the cool air inside. Immediately, her eyes fell upon one of the women. The woman, coffee-colored and stout, was the first lady at the Resurrection COGIC out of Belton. Ima scanned her more thoroughly than any X-ray machine could. She wasn’t surprised to see that the woman sat with others of her ilk and, like them, looked as though she’d just finished a photo shoot. Ima also recognized the first lady’s husband. He was a renowned bishop who’d made millions off his incredible ministry, parlaying it into everything from books to films to conferences and numerous television appearances.
Ima nodded out of respect and admiration toward the first lady, just in time for the woman to quickly look away. Ima was stunned and embarrassed, praying no one had seen what she perceived as a slight. “That’s okay,” Ima muttered. “One day you’ll come to me and ask if I can get your husband an audience with mine. Leotis Tom is on his way. You can believe that!”
Sister Betty Says I Do Page 8
