by Keim, Joe
I had given up everything to come back, and still they shunned me. One day while I worked in my dad’s machine shop, a man from the community asked me for something in my hand. I extended my hand to give it to him, but he wouldn’t take it. “I can’t take it from your hand,” he said. That guy purposely humiliated me on top of all I was going through. I had to lay it down; then he picked it up.
Esther came back and joined the Amish about a month later. The church forbade us to see each other, so I’d sneak out my window at night and ride bareback to Esther’s place. She’d sneak out, and we’d meet at her dad’s leather shop. Since we didn’t have phones or any other way to connect, I’d ride out there about every other night. One time we were caught, and the church extended the shunning another two weeks. This shunning and these sanctimonious rules wore on Esther and me.
One day, Paul, the one who led me to the Lord, sent me a note saying they were going to a Billy Graham crusade in Washington, DC. While there, they planned see the White House. He wrote, “You and Esther are invited to go with us if you want. It won’t cost you anything.”
I couldn’t turn Paul’s offer down. Esther and I were highly frustrated with the Amish church and the way members were treating us. We both agreed we would go with Paul and his family.
I went to bed that night, and after Ervin drifted off to sleep, I opened the side window, shimmied down a rope to a tree, and dropped to the ground. Paul was waiting on the road and picked me up first. Then we drove to Esther’s house and picked her up. After that, we headed straight to Washington, DC. I remember very few details about this trip, except that I was overjoyed to be with my girlfriend again. I felt restored and invigorated when free from all those people who continued to humiliate us by shunning us openly and publicly.
After being away for three days, I arrived home to find that things were different. My family had gone through all my belongings and divided them up among themselves. This included everything, even my guns. Some of it I never got back. From my family’s point of view, this was the fifth time I’d run away, even though I was only gone for a couple of days.
Esther and I got fed up with the ongoing humiliation of shunning. Couldn’t the Amish church see that we had given up everything to come back? We had sold our cars and given up our jobs. That meant no more income for us; instead, we worked for our parents for free. During all of this, the church refused to let us see each other. Weeks turned into months. Depression set in and life was almost not worth living. It was so hard!
Then I remembered an old English friend by the name of Mark, who had said, “If you ever decide to leave the Amish, you can live with me.” He lived in Norwalk, which was about an hour away by car.
I found Mark’s phone number, and I called to explain our situation.
“Sure, you can come and live with my wife and me and my family,” he said. “I’ll give you a job trimming cow hooves.”
So we set a date for a Sunday night. I traveled out to Esther’s place and left my horse and buggy in her father’s barn. Esther and I walked about a mile up the road and sat in the ditch in the weeds, waiting for Mark to come pick us up in his truck. Crickets chirped and mosquitoes hummed as the sun set. Dampness set in as we waited in complete darkness. No one knew about our plans except Mark, who was picking us up in a short while.
What I didn’t know was that my dad had followed me out to Esther’s place. He sat in the opposite ditch, knowing something was up. Headlights sliced through the pitch dark, and we darted from the ditch so Mark would see us and stop. At that moment, my dad jumped out of the ditch and started yelling my name, crying bitterly, and begging me to stay. It scared us, but we quickly jumped on the back of the truck bed. Mark sped off into the night.
My dad quickly disappeared into the darkness and dust. To this day, when I think back to that moment, my heart breaks for my dad. He may not have been the perfect father, but it was so unfair that he had to once again deal with my escape from the Amish. I can’t imagine what he went though at that moment, but my dad never gave up.
After we lived with Mark for a month, my dad got a feeling things weren’t going to work out between us and Mark. So, unbeknown to me, he went to the Norwalk police and told them what to do if I showed up looking for help.
I rode to work with Mark. The work was fine, but many times on the way home, he stopped at gentlemen’s clubs while I waited in the car. Then he tried to proposition Esther, which bothered her so much that she went back to the Amish. This annoyed me too, and I also decided to go back to the Amish. I went to Mark to let him know, and his temper flared.
“Get out of the house or I’ll kill you!” he yelled. “Never come back!”
He didn’t even let me get my things.
I ran from the house in the middle of the night bawling. I didn’t know where to turn for help, and the only thing I knew to do was find the police station. When I did, they said, “We were prepared for this. Your dad already talked to us.”
They called an Amish taxi driver to pick me up and take me back to my parents. It was quite an ordeal, and the consequences added several months of shunning. Eventually, the church couldn’t find any more faults, and they took us back into fellowship. What a wonderful relief that was for us and for the church too. For the first time in about a year, life was back to normal.
Chapter 12
Marriage
With the shunning period complete, Esther and I were allowed to see each other on a weekly basis. We’d go to the singing and have a date on Sunday night just like normal. Several months passed by and marriage became a hot subject between Esther and me. We had been through so much together and couldn’t imagine not getting married and living life together.
First, we went to our parents and got their permission. They seemed excited and supported our decision wholeheartedly. After that, it was customary to go to Esther’s bishop and get his permission also. We waited until dark, so no one could see us traveling together in the same buggy during a weekday. At first, the bishop was a bit hesitant because Esther, even though a member of the church, had never participated in a communion service. Finally, after some pleading on our part, he agreed.
“Under your circumstances, I am going to make an exception and give you permission to get married.”
A couple of things are unique about Amish weddings. First, weddings always take place on Tuesdays or Thursdays, mostly Thursdays. Secondly, until the Bishop announces your wedding, it stays a secret. Only your immediate family and the Bishop know in advance. You don’t want anyone in the community to know, because it’s supposed to be a surprise. The person who announces the happy news is the Bishop from the girl’s district.
I got up early on Sunday morning and headed toward Esther’s church district. On this day Bishop Dan would announce our wedding day to the whole church. As Mike pulled my buggy along State Route 603, my heart was beating twice as fast as normal. For the first time in my life, I felt as though things were coming together for me. Soon, Esther Yoder would change her last name to Keim and become my dearly beloved wife. The thought was so precious, I could hardly contain it all. As I drove in the lane where church services were being held that day, I thought, Only the Bishop and Esther’s parents know about the big announcement.
I had barely finished unhitching Mike before someone walked by and yelled, “We know why you are here today.”
Oh no, I thought. Someone let the cat out of the bag. But to my surprise, no one else said a word.
The church service moved along very slowly as each minister got up and did his part. Everyone was half asleep except for me. I was wide awake. Finally, the last minister finished and sat down.
Next, Bishop Dan got up, cleared his throat, and said, “Today I have a surprise announcement to make. Joe Keim and Esther Yoder have been granted permission to get married and have set their wedding date for Decemb
er 18. You are all invited.”
As soon as the Bishop announced our plans, Esther and I walked out, in proper Amish fashion, before the service ended. I ran out to hitch up the horse and buggy, and we were on our way before people were released from the church service.
The next two weeks were a whirlwind of activity at Esther’s home place, as we prepared for the wedding. We mailed out invitations, hauled all the manure out of the barn, rearranged the house furniture, brought wedding tables down from the attic, and set them up. Family members stopped in about every day to help prepare the food, make the multilevel wedding cake, and help decorate the corner where the wedding party would sit to eat.
One evening, after I came home from Esther’s place, Dad said, “I don’t want any of your English friends at the wedding.”
“Dad, I already invited Larry Holbrook to the wedding.”
“Well,” he replied, “I guess you’ll have to tell him different.”
I couldn’t believe Dad was going to make me uninvite Larry, just because he was English. I was almost twenty years old – old enough to make my own decisions. Besides that, I felt it was my wedding. Larry and I discussed the situation and decided if he wore Amish clothes, it would all work out. Nothing more was said to Dad about Larry coming to the wedding.
After many hours and little sleep, the big day arrived. December 18, 1986, was a cold day, but hardly any snow covered the ground. By 9:00 a.m. hundreds of family members and friends from several states away had gathered together under one roof to help us celebrate our special day. The three-hour ceremony took place at a neighbor’s house, right across the field from Esther’s home place.
My friend Larry showed up wearing Amish clothes; he fit right in with the rest of the people at the wedding. No one, except my own family, knew he wasn’t Amish. Before long though, Dad spotted Larry and became very upset – so upset that he left right after the ceremony and went home.
While wedding attenders sat on regular wooden church benches without backs, the wedding party sat on two rows of chairs – in the center of the living room – three girls facing three guys. We sat with two unmarried couples; two girls sat on either side of Esther, and two guys sat on either side of me. They were the witnesses who followed us throughout the day, always sitting on either side of us.
Soon after the singing began, all the preachers got up and left the room to have their traditional meeting behind closed doors. Several minutes went by, and then Esther and I got up from our chairs and followed their path to a room upstairs. As we sat there in a circle, I was reminded of my baptismal classes, only this time I was there because I chose to be there. I cannot recall a word that was said in that setting, except the ministers warned us that we could not have sex until the third day. I just remember thinking, You’ve gotta be kidding me! Three days! Whoever came up with that one?
Now that our meeting with the preachers was over and we were once again sitting in our chairs between our four witnesses, the preaching began. Just like regular church services, most of the ceremony, including the vows, was spoken in High German and difficult to follow. My Uncle Joe, whom I was named after, was my favorite community bishop, and he was the one who married us. While we sat waiting for him to call us forward, he talked about biblical weddings, starting with Adam and Eve. He took other parts of his sermon from the Apocrypha, a set of books sandwiched between the Old and New Testament.
Finally, near the end of the ceremony, Uncle Joe called Esther and me to come forward and say our vows to each other. This was the moment we had all been waiting for. As we stood to our feet, our witnesses on both sides also stood with us. Esther and I made our way up and stood side by side before Bishop Joe and all the wedding attendees. After saying our vows to each other, the Bishop reminded us that we were now one flesh and only death could separate us.
After the ceremony, Esther and I and our witnesses were taxied over to Esther’s house, where the noon and evening dinner took place. Right before we entered the house, someone threw a broom in front of Esther’s path. It is said that if the bride picks the broom up and sets it aside, she will be a great housekeeper. If she steps over it, she will end up being a slob. Yep, Esther picked it up.
Married people gathered around the tables and ate first. Esther and I were seated in a corner that had been decorated with flowers, homemade name ornaments, and a big wedding cake. The witnesses sat at the table with us, only this time one couple sat on Esther’s side and one couple sat on my side. We were sandwiched between them. Esther wore a brand new dark blue dress cut from the same pattern as all her other dresses. After the wedding, it would become her Sunday dress.
Esther and I and our witnesses had special servers waiting on us all day long. The menu included a big meal of noodles, mashed potatoes and gravy, two or three different types of meat, and date pudding – a specialty served at every wedding. In fact, date pudding was only served at weddings, and everybody loved it.
While we ate with all the married couples and their families downstairs, the unmarried men were busy partnering up with a girl upstairs. Of course, the couples who were already in a steady dating relationship did not have to choose a partner. But for those others who didn’t have a steady relationship with a girl, this was their time to reach out and invite a girl to sit with them at the table. Not only was this a nerve-racking time for the guys, but the girls also tensed up as they waited and hoped for one of the guys to ask them. While the fellows suffered and the gals tensed up, the old folks downstairs couldn’t wait to see who would partner up with whom.
When everyone finished eating round one, they quickly cleared the tables, and the Bishop called on the single adults to come downstairs with their partners by their side and have a seat. This was round two for us and the four witnesses. First, we ate with the married people, now we would eat again with the unmarried adults. As we ate, the married men gathered in the background and sang wedding hymns − some from the hymnbook used in church and some from the hymnbooks used for the Sunday night singing. Both were used to celebrate this transitional time.
People attending our wedding had come from all over, including Indiana and other surrounding states. We probably had four hundred people. If this seems like a lot, you have to remember we had big families, and it wasn’t uncommon to have two to three hundred first cousins and lots of aunts and uncles. After the wedding, everyone stood around and caught up on what was happening with other family members.
That evening, around seven o’clock, we had another huge meal with immediate family. Dad returned for the latter part of the wedding and joined us for the evening meal. The celebration continued until about midnight, and finally the tired guests left, and the rest of us went to bed. The next day we woke to tons and tons of dishes to wash.
* * * *
Dad had talked to me about working for him free of charge. He felt it would be a form of penance, and God would forgive me for all the times I’d left the Amish. I really did want to settle down, so I was willing to do what Dad wanted me to do, but that resulted in the problem of not having any income. We lived with Esther’s parents and ate with them. We lived there for nine months. Every day I’d commute to my dad’s machine shop, and even though I was twenty years old, I didn’t take any pay.
We lived along a busy highway, which made it possible to make a little money by gathering nightcrawlers to sell. Esther used the nightcrawler money to buy ingredients to make noodles, which she sold for an income, and my father-in-law took care of the expense of feeding my horse. During that time, I determined I’d settle down and I actually began to connect with my dad as we worked together. A few times he didn’t like things I was doing, and we butted heads, but for the most part we got along well.
My goal was to stay Amish and raise a family in the Amish culture. I appreciated the sense of security and protection within that community that I hadn’t felt in the
English world. The thought of having a family and raising my children outside of those protective boundaries also seemed overwhelming. Life was great and moved along for several months. I loved living with Esther’s parents and hanging out with her brother Milo at night. We got along just fine and had many heart-to-heart conversations.
Hunger for Truth
One day, during our in-between church Sunday, Esther picked up the Bible and started reading from the book of Romans. “Why do we live Amish when we are saved?” she asked.
My first thought was, Wow, I hadn’t heard the term “being saved” in months. Along the way, I had forced my mind and attitude to align with the Amish way of thinking and became angry when Esther talked about her understanding of the Bible.
Immediate fear set in because of where this could lead. I made it clear, “Esther, we are not going down that road again. Please!”
But Esther kept reading, and occasionally we would end up in a hefty Bible discussion because of something she read.
Gradually the stress of Esther’s Bible views and us not having a lot of money to spend led me to pick up an old habit of dipping snuff. I had promised Esther, before we got married, that I would quit. And I did. It was the only way she would marry me. It didn’t help that many of the people in my life also chewed tobacco, including my father-in-law, who was a preacher in the church. The church didn’t allow tobacco chewing and always disciplined members publicly, but many still struggled with the habit.
Paul Coblentz, the man who led me to the Lord a few years earlier, invited Esther to join his family at a Bible study that was taking place at the Baptist church where Esther got saved. She went several times, but I refused to join them. We struggled in our marriage relationship even more. Esther was upset because I continued dipping snuff, and I was upset at her going to Bible studies.
