by Mason, Dana
I shake my head, causing tears to fall from my eyes.
“You told me to live my life fearlessly. Now I’m telling you the same thing.”
I lay both hands on my chest. “But it’s not just myself I’m risking.”
“Listen, Emily, if you need to take legal action against him later, then do it, but give the man a chance first. Please,” Mac begs. “If he loves you, he’ll make it right. Just give him a chance.”
* * *
After everyone has gone, I change out of my black dress into shorts and a t-shirt, then sink down onto my bed, exhausted. I’ve never been the type of person to nap. I’m an always-on-the-move type. I spend so much time on my ass at work, I like to move when I’m not working, but now, I can barely keep my eyes open. But once I’m lying down, and the house is quiet, I can’t turn my brain off.
I keep thinking about what Drew said and how all my family and friends seem to think I’m judging him too harshly. Am I? Maybe I am wrong about Drew. Maybe he wouldn’t mind having another child. I think about that beautiful little girl and how much I wish I could get to know her. And his son, who looks so much like his father. I remember thinking Drew would make a good dad and now I know why. Although, from experience, I don’t know how great someone can be as a weekend dad, even if they are amazing. That must be hard on him and the kids.
Do I want that for my child? Would it be better to have a part-time father or no father at all? I think about my dad again and how he was never around for Mac and me. Even though he wasn’t there, I still loved him, and yes, I still grieved for him. He just never had a real impact on my life, not like a real father would.
Remembering the scrapbook my mom brought me, I get out of bed and rush into the living room to find it. I lower myself onto the sofa and rest it in my lap. When I open the cover, a rush of memories accompanies the first photo. My dad’s wearing a wide open-mouthed smile, displaying a row of perfectly straight teeth. His long hair is curtained over one side of his face as he tilts his head. He looks so happy.
He started touring with his band when I was five and Mac was two. I don’t really remember what it was like to have both parents at home before that, but I also don’t remember feeling like I was missing anything. Our mom was everything we needed and I can be that too. But then I think about the friends who did have fathers at home. Fathers who coached their soccer teams and took them to father-and-daughter dances. Fathers who were there to walk them down the aisle.
Before I can control it, I’m crying. Dammit! I don’t want to do this. I’m happy—I do miss my dad, at least what little I had of him. It wasn’t until college that I realized what a loser father he really was. I sit up quickly and grab my phone.
When she answers, I can’t hold back my sob.
“Mom?”
“Emily, what’s the matter? Has something happened?”
She sounds panicked, and that really makes me feel bad.
“No. I just wanted to call and tell you I love you.”
“Honey, I love you too. What’s wrong? This isn’t like you.”
“I know, right? I don’t cry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I must be hormonal.”
She laughs. “Well, you’re either PMS’ing or you’re pregnant.”
That really makes me cry. “Mom…” I take a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”
“Oh… Emily.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you when you were here.” I wipe the tears from my face. “I know you’re probably disappointed.”
“Honey, there are very few things you could do to disappoint me and giving me my first grandchild isn’t one of them. Honestly, between you and Mac, I wondered if it would ever happen.”
This makes me chuckle through my tears. “Are you happy?”
“I want to be, but it’s hard when you don’t sound very happy. Tell me why you’re crying.”
I tell her what happened after she left the ceremony and when I get the entire story out, she sighs heavily into the phone. “Well, you need to tell the man you’re carrying his child. You cannot wait, Emily. Do the right thing.”
“Why is not telling him the wrong thing? He lied to me, Mom.”
“Emily Anne Thomas, stop with the excuses. You know perfectly well what the right thing is and keeping his child a secret is not the right thing to do.”
I smack my palm against my forehead. Why did I call her? “Mom, it’s not that easy.”
“Sure it is. Just tell him.” She huffs out a breath, and it makes me roll my eyes. “Drew seemed downright in love with you. I don’t think you’re giving him enough credit.”
“Mom! He lied about having children. I can’t ignore that.”
“No, you can’t, but you can try to see things from his perspective and then try to forgive him for it. Do you have any idea how hard it is to date when you have kids? People who don’t have kids call them baggage. Baggage, Emily. Do you know how offensive that is?” She huffs again. “Do you know how many men asked me out but then ran for the hills when they found out about you and Mac?”
I slap my hand on my knee. “Yeah, well, lying about them certainly isn’t going to improve matters.”
“So, what is it, Emily? You’re going to ride on your high horse and end this relationship because he has kids, or are you just afraid of telling him because he might reject you?”
I sit still for a moment, thinking about that.
“Because not telling him about the baby is just as bad as him not telling you about his kids. Two wrongs, Emily.”
“Mom, what if he does reject me?”
“You don’t have any control over the outcome, all you can do is say what you have to say and see what happens. If he doesn’t want another child, you’ll deal with that. If he does, and he’s excited, you’ll deal with that too. But you can’t live in limbo. The stress of that alone is too much for you and your baby.”
As irritated as I am, I know she’s right. I just… don’t know how to tell him and I’m so afraid of his response.
“You’re one of the bravest people I know, Emily. You’re a fighter. Just look what you’ve already been through in your life—and you’re still standing. Don’t stop fighting now, and don’t avoid difficult situations because of the possibility of rejection. That’s not who you are. This is one of those times when you just have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get the job done.”
“Okay, I’ll do it,” I agree, resolved to get it over with. If nothing else, she’s right about me needing to know where he stands one way or the other. “Thanks, Mom.”
“You know I’m always here for you. Now, can I tell you how excited I am to be a grandma?”
I push back the nerves that immediately attack me when she says that.
“I’m a little excited too, and a lot nervous.”
“It’ll all work out in the end.”
She’s right. It’ll all work out… one way or another.
Thirty-Three
Drew
I’m surprised when Emily’s face shows up on my caller ID, and I’m torn between fear and hope.
“Hello?”
“Drew, hi. It’s Emily.” Her voice is shaky, and that makes me think something’s wrong.
“You okay?”
“Ah, yeah, but I want to talk… do you still want to meet tonight?”
My heart starts racing. “Of course, let me make some calls… try to get a sitter.”
“Oh, I don’t want to put you to any trouble.” She pauses but then says, “Maybe I can come over there.”
I think about that. I don’t want my children to get to know her if she’s not going to be around. That’s a hard lesson I’ve already learned. “Okay, the kids go to bed at eight, you can come after that.”
“Um, okay. I guess that works.”
“I’ll text you the address.”
“Great, I’ll see you a little after eight.”
She disconnects the call before I can say anything else and I stare at my
phone, confused. Her tone was sorrowful, but I don’t get the impression she wants to meet me to apologize since I’m the one who lied. Maybe she wants to do the same thing she did with Grant and make it clear that our relationship is over. I rub at the pain in my chest… Damn, I don’t want that. I don’t want to lose her.
I close my eyes and send up a little prayer for her to be in a forgiving mood. Because, temper and all, I love that woman and I want her to be mine. I glance over at Hannah and Kyle, who are now sitting in front of the TV, and I know I want her to be theirs too. I want her to want them, but I know I have to accept that she might not. She might not want kids at all. I just can’t let her spend time with them until I’m sure she’s in it for the long haul.
My gaze goes from them to the messy house. Toys litter the living-room floor, shoes, and discarded socks are spread all over, and their little suitcases from the trip to Santa Cruz are still sitting in the entryway, by the front door.
Oh hell, I can’t have Emily over here when it looks like this. She’ll run for the hills—of course, she wouldn’t for that reason––but I need to put my best foot forward, considering what I’ve done.
“Hey, guys, can you do something for me?”
They both slowly turn their eyes from the TV to me. It’s as if they know I’m going to ask them to do something they don’t want to do. Kids have a weird sixth sense like that. They don’t speak, so I push forward with my request. “Can you help me clean up the house?” They’re not talking, they’re just watching me. “If we work together, we can get it done really fast.”
Nothing.
I sigh. “How about we make a game out of it? Whoever picks up the most wins.”
Kyle’s brow lifts. “What do we win?”
The little snot. It’s not like I’m asking them to paint the house. “You’ll win a giant thank you from me… maybe even a hug.”
“Daaaad,” Hannah says.
“I think that’s pretty fair since it’s your toys and your mess.”
They stare at me for another long moment, then Kyle says, “Okay, fine.” His voice is resigned and not at all happy. He pauses the show on TV then looks around the room. “I’m still going to win.”
Hannah jumps up. “Hey, wait for me.”
Competitive to the core, both of them. I grin at my own quick thinking and walk around, collecting shoes to drop them into their bedrooms. As I’m heading down the hall, I can hear them both counting. This, of course, forces me to count the shoes in my hand. Should I count by pairs or individual shoes? Individual shoes, for sure. I can’t let those little heathens win.
Fifteen minutes later, I look around, pleased with our work.
“I won,” Kyle says.
“No, I did. I picked up more.”
“Pah, no,” he says, “You don’t even know how to count.”
“Hey,” Hannah and I say at the same time. “Kyle, you don’t need to be mean like that.”
“Yeah, Kyle, I know how to count to a hundred.”
“Newsflash, genius, if you can count to a hundred, you can count to two hundred.”
“All right, all right, that’s enough,” I interrupt.
Hannah gives him a perplexed look, then looks up at me. “I picked up a lot, Daddy, I think I won.”
“I think we’re all winners. How about ice cream as our reward?”
Hannah smiles, and I see the little glint in her eyes. “Yeah, Daddy. I think that’s a great idea.”
“Me too!” Kyle says.
“Okay.” I roll my eyes. “Go get your shoes on, turn the TV off, and let’s go.” I know as I say this, that those shoes are going to end up on the living-room floor again in an hour. But I also know I’d never want it any other way.
* * *
When I hear the tap at the door, I’m a little surprised. I was waiting to see headlights in the driveway, but they never came. I open the door to see Emily standing there in shorts, a t-shirt, and the flip-flops I bought her in Hawaii. I think it’s the most relaxed I’ve ever seen her, and that includes our last day in Maui. But then I get a closer look and see the exhaustion in her eyes. I’m quickly reminded of the evening before and making love to her late into the night. I immediately shove the picture from my head… I can’t stand the thought of it possibly being the last time.
“Where’s your car?” I ask, mostly because I’m not sure what else to say.
“It’s so nice out, I decided to walk. You weren’t kidding when you said it was close.”
I chuckle. “Yes, just a few blocks.”
She steps inside, and I can see the tension in her shoulders. Once the door is closed, I give her a good look. “Are you okay?” I’m trying to be more reserved, but I can’t help my concern. It’s not something I can turn off… it’s not like a light switch I can flip.
She shakes her head a little, and I sense she’s fighting her emotions. Now that she’s inside, she’s rubbing her hands up and down her arms. It’s still pretty warm outside, so the air conditioner is on. “Are you cold? We can sit outside on the back patio.”
She glances around as if looking for the kids. “It’s okay to go outside? They’re…”
“They’ll be fine. If they need me, they know where to find me.” I gesture toward the back of the house but then say, “Do you want a drink? I have a beer or juice. I don’t have any wine, sorry.”
“Can I have some water?”
“Of course.” I turn toward the kitchen with her on my heels and grab a water bottle for each of us. Then I lead her through the house to my bedroom, and out the sliding-glass door to the side patio. I don’t want Jake to show up unannounced, and usually, when I’m on this side, he doesn’t realize I’m outside. I gesture toward one of the chairs and hand her the water bottle. She doesn’t sit. First, she walks around, as if she’s examining the potted plants and the brickwork under her feet.
“It’s different… being in your space, seeing where you live.” She turns to face me. “I’m not sure what I was expecting, but this is a beautiful place.”
“Thank you. We like it too.” I gesture toward the chair, but she still doesn’t sit. This makes me nervous. “Emily, are you okay?”
She shakes her head slightly. “No. I’m really not. I’m so disappointed, Drew. I thought more of you, but…”
“Maybe you should let me tell you everything before you judge.”
She shakes her head again, which pisses me off.
“You know, Emily, that’s so fucking unfair. You get upset with me for not telling you things, but when I try, you don’t let me. You can’t have it both ways.”
“Drew, I came here to tell you something, and I think once I do, the rest isn’t going to matter.”
I stand back up and step closer to her. I want to see her face. “It will matter, dammit. It all matters when you love someone.”
“I think you’ll find I’m right… once you know.”
“You know, if you don’t want to see me, just say it. I get it, two kids are a lot to take on.”
Her face tilts downward, and she shuffles back a little, putting more space between us. “Drew, I’m pregnant.”
The words knock the breath from my lungs. Instinctively, my head shakes in denial. I step back and hold up a finger, taking a second to get my bearings. When I can finally breathe, it comes out in pants, and it feels like my heart is about to pound out of my chest.
“That’s impossible. We were careful. Last night… it’s too soon. You can’t know already from last night.”
“I think it happened in Maui. I suspect I’m almost five weeks along, but I won’t know until I see my doctor.”
“This cannot be happening.” My words come out broken, but all I can think about is how I can’t live through another pregnancy. The last moments of Kayla’s life flash through my head and I have to sit back down. “This can’t be true.”
“I’m just… going to go.” She shuffles toward the door, but I jump up and grab her.
Before s
he can get away, I have her in a tight embrace. I need to hold her, feel her breathing, feel her heartbeat next to mine. One hand is wrapped in her silky locks, the other is gripping the small of her back. “I’m sorry I did this to you. I’m so sorry, Emily.”
She pushes me away and shakes me off. “Don’t do that. Don’t act like this is some horrible thing that was done to me.”
“Emily…” I’m so overwhelmed, I don’t know what to say. All I know is I love her, and I don’t want to lose her. I need to sit down before my knees give out. “We need to talk, babe.”
I can’t even look up at her… I can’t face her. It’s too hard.
“I’ll give you some time to think things over, and then we can talk.”
Before I can respond, she’s through the slider and heading to the front door.
“Wait, stop,” I call out.
She stops in the living room but doesn’t turn.
“Please don’t walk. I’ll take you home.”
She huffs out a breath. “I’m not incapacitated. Jesus, Drew, I can walk home.” She jerks the front door open and with a voice dripping with disdain, she says, “I’ll be fine.”
As she leaves, all I can do is watch her go, sick over what I’ve done.
Thirty-Four
Emily
By the time I reach my house, my anger has subsided a bit. But I’m thoroughly confused by Drew’s reaction, and I’m upset, disappointed, and angry that I was right about him not wanting more kids. I knew he wasn’t ready to hear this type of news from me, especially after only knowing each other for a few weeks, but in my heart, I’d hoped for acceptance. I just don’t understand. First, he seemed upset, but then he acted scared. He’s clear in his affection, and when he says he loves me, I believe him, but then he completely freaks out when I tell him I’m pregnant… But not really in the way I was expecting.
I’m fighting tears as I struggle to get my front door unlocked. Once I’m inside, I slam it closed and lock it behind me. As I release a relieving breath, my phone starts chiming in my back pocket.
