by Mason, Dana
As I settle in at my desk, my phone chimes.
Emily: How’s Hannah this morning?
I rest back in my chair, staring at the screen, heart thudding rapidly in my chest. I’m not sure what to do now. Especially with how we left things… me screaming at her, for a good reason, and her admitting she was scared… also for a good reason.
Me: Upset she can’t go to school, but okay besides that. She’s sleeping right now.
Emily: I bet she’s exhausted. How are you?
I hesitate, not sure how to answer. It’s been a while since anyone has asked how I was doing. I’m not even sure how to respond. With honesty?
I’m horrible and heartbroken that you’re not here with me.
I’m achingly afraid for my daughter, guilty that I wasn’t there to protect her.
I’m wondering how long it’s going to take for you to drift away because you’re too chicken shit to fight for me, and with me, for this love that means so much to me.
But I choose to lie—why not when she already sees me as a liar?
Me: Fine.
Emily: Liar.
Exactly.
I sigh because what can I say to that? I set my phone down and try to focus on my work. Which of course is work I’m doing for her so even that doesn’t take my mind off her. Then my phone chimes again.
Emily: What if I came over there?
Me: Please don’t. I have work to do.
Emily: What if I came anyway?
Me: Emily, it’s not a good time.
Emily: But I think you might need me?
Me: I’m fine.
Emily: Liar.
Me: Don’t you have to work today?
Emily: You’re more important to me than work.
This makes me pause. Am I though? Or is she just trying to make up for whatever guilt she’s feeling about her husband… about not having his baby? Ugh! I want to throw my phone, but I don’t.
Me: I’m fine.
I’m still so mad at her, I can’t bring myself to say anything more.
I’m staring at my phone when the doorbell rings. Dammit, Hannah’s sleeping. “Who the hell is that?”
I walk to the door and peer through the peephole to see Emily standing on the other side. I creep it open and step outside. “I told you I was fine.”
“I wanted to see for myself.” She has her hair down, and she’s wearing jeans with a t-shirt. I look her up and down. “You’re really not working today?”
“No. I told you, I want to be here for you.”
“And I told you that I’m fine, Emily.”
She holds up a covered dish. “I brought you a lasagna.”
“Emily, you don’t understand.” I click the door closed behind me, trying to be quiet, hoping Hannah doesn’t hear us. “I don’t want Hannah to see you. She won’t understand.”
Her eyebrows raise. “Understand what? That I’m bringing food to a sick friend?”
“You know that’s not what I mean.”
“Then be frank, Drew. Seriously. It’s time to stop dancing around this and work it out.”
Before I can say anything, I hear the door creep open and see Hannah’s little red head pop out from behind it. “Daddy, why are you outside?” Her eyes move to Emily. “Ms. Thomas?”
“She’s just here to drop food off,” I snap and instantly regret it.
Hannah’s face falls. “Oh, sorry.”
“Actually.” Emily lowers to a kneeling position. “I brought something for you, Hannah. It’s in the car.”
“Thank you very much,” Hannah replies, in her very best effort at being polite. “Would you like to come inside?”
“Thank you,” Emily says and winks up at me. “I would love to come inside.”
Oh, hell. This woman is brutal. She knows exactly how to get what she wants. She hands me the lasagna and turns back to her car. “I’ll be right back.”
I get Hannah back inside and carry the lasagna to the kitchen. As I’m trying to fit it into the fridge, she enters the kitchen and says, “And here’s a pot of spaghetti.”
“When did you have time to do all of this?” I ask, taking the pot from her.
“Last night, after I thoroughly cleaned my house and unpacked my suitcase.”
“Oh, so you finally got around to that, huh?”
“I did… and got a nice surprise, too.”
She’s grinning at me, but I’m not sure why. “Surprise?”
“I received quite a surprise among my missing shoes.”
I stare at her smile for a moment, and then it occurs to me. “Oh, right… Jesus, that card.” I take the spaghetti and once again fight for space in the refrigerator. “I’m sorry.” I meet her eyes. “I was desperate.”
“Don’t apologize. I’m also learning to break the rules.”
“Ms. Thomas, do you want to watch TV with me?” Hannah says from the kitchen doorway.
Emily turns toward her then back to me, mischief in her eyes. “Hannah, why don’t you call me Emily, since we’re friends now too.”
“You little snot,” I whisper to Emily. “Careful or I’ll make her call you ‘ma’am’.”
“Haha, very funny.”
“I would love to watch TV with you, but let me give you the gift I brought.” She leads Hannah into the living room, and I watch, feeling a great deal of trepidation. I want to trust Emily, but it’s tough to trust anyone with the heart of my little girl.
Emily helps Hannah get up on the couch in a comfortable position and hands her a gift bag. She holds the bottom while Hannah one-handedly pulls out something wrapped in tissue paper.
Once Hannah gets all the paper out of the way, she gasps. “Oh, my goodness…” She’s staring with awe. “She’s just like me now.”
“Yes, but she’s going to heal just like you, and when that happens, this little sling comes right off.”
I walk closer to get a look, and my heart does a little flutter when I see the Merida doll with her fiery red hair, just like Hannah’s.
“Thank you so much.” Hannah leans forward for a hug but can’t put her arms around Emily because one is wrapped around the new Merida doll and the other is tied tightly in a sling. “How did you know she was my favorite?”
“Another lucky guess.”
“Hey, do you want to watch Brave with Merida and me?” Hannah asks.
Emily nods. “I would absolutely love to, if it’s okay with your dad.”
Hannah looks up at me, and at the same time Emily turns and gives me the same pleading expression. How can a man resist these two?
“If it keeps you on that couch, Hannah, it’s fine with me.”
“Daddy, will you watch with us?”
“I can’t, honey. I have some work I need to get done, but maybe later.” Emily’s shoulders droop when I say this, but I did warn her I was working. Besides, I’m still not sure about this… and what did she mean when she said we need to stop dancing around and work this out? Work what out? How she wants to keep my child from me?
I stand there long enough to watch Emily get comfortable, as Hannah expertly operates the remote control until the movie’s playing. Then I sneak back into my office and pace the room for a few minutes before I can sit down.
What the hell is she up to? I run my hands through my hair and pray to God she’s serious about this. I don’t need my kids walking around feeling the same shit I’ve felt since our fight on Tuesday. And, God dammit, we haven’t even talked about Kayla. I could kill my sister for telling Emily about that before I had the chance. That’s just one more thing I’m going to have to explain… assuming she’s interested in listening.
I take a couple of deep breaths and sit back at my desk to get to work, forcing myself to concentrate.
Over an hour later, Emily pokes her head in, and I’m a little surprised she’s still here. I thought she might have left without saying goodbye. “Drew, I hate to skip out while Hannah is sleeping, but I have a web meeting in half an hour.”
> “Emily, you can go. You don’t have to be here.” I’m not trying to be nasty to her, but I’ve been through this with women… too many times. The novelty of children will wear off and she’ll be gone just like the others.
“Drew, if I didn’t want to be here, I wouldn’t be.” She walks around and props herself against my desk facing me. “Listen, if you want to talk, you know where I am. I’ll be home all night.”
“I can’t leave Hannah.”
She lifts her eyebrows as if in challenge. “Gee, I guess it’s a good thing I live close and can walk on over here anytime I want.” She turns toward the door. “See you.” Then she makes her way quietly down the hall and out the front door, and I’m left feeling very alone.
* * *
“I know you don’t want to leave Hannah, but I’m here with her, and she won’t miss you for an hour or two. You need to get your ass over there and talk to Emily, Drew.” Jennie pokes my chest. “She’s having your baby, and I know that means something to you.”
I close the fridge once I get the remains of Emily’s lasagna put away. It was actually quite helpful not having to cook dinner tonight. “There isn’t much left to say, you already told her all my secrets.”
“Yes, I did, and she still showed up here today, to see you and Hannah. She wouldn’t have done that if she didn’t care about you. Go, Drew! Jesus, stop being so proud. The woman is having your baby. You’re worse than a girl with your self-destructive behavior.”
I stand there and stare at her for a few minutes, not sure what to do. Admittedly, I’m scared. I’m not sure I can take a rejection from Emily, but Jennie has a point: Emily did show up today, and she stayed at the hospital for hours waiting for news after Hannah’s accident. She didn’t have to do that. That means something. She brought us food… I grin at that. Lots and lots of food.
“You won’t know until you talk to her. Just go, jerk. You can thank her for dinner too.”
My loving sister, everyone.
“All right, I’ll walk over there.” Maybe the walk will help clear my head. I don’t want to face her with anger in my heart. I love her, and Jennie’s right, it’d be stupid to lose her over my own stubborn pride. Anything but that.
Forty
Emily
When I hear a knock on the door, I’m surprised. I close my laptop, place it on the coffee table, and tiptoe over to the door, before peeking through my peephole. When I see Drew, my heart jumps in my chest.
“Hey, everything okay?” I ask as I open the door. “Is Hannah okay?”
He stares at me, his expression stony. “She missed you when she woke but other than that, she’s fine.” He shifts his weight and his posture is tight, not relaxed like he usually is. “My sister is with her, so I thought this would be a good time to talk, do you mind?”
“I would like that. Thank you for coming over.”
“I was hurt,” he blurts outs as he steps inside. “And I’m still pissed at you.” He turns and crosses his arms over his chest. “I walked over here, hoping my anger would dissipate. Hoping I’d be clear-headed when I got here. Hoping I could be humble and apologize and take the blame for all of our misunderstandings—but then I realized that’d be stupid. That would be unlike me.”
I don’t say anything. It’s only fair that I let him get it off his chest. Especially after suggesting he release his paternal rights. After that, I deserve his anger.
“I get mad. I’m not going to pretend to be some saint who doesn’t lose his temper. I want you to know who I am and that includes every little facet. Everything—even the shitty stuff. You need to know I won’t always take the blame for our misunderstandings—or our fights.” He throws his hands out. “I’m sorry for my part. I am sorry I didn’t tell you about the kids. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Kayla. I feel terrible for what I did, but I’m not sorry for wanting you so badly that I made a couple of very bad decisions.” He huffs out a breath and drops his hands. “I’m sorry for the way I treated you at the hospital, but dammit, I’m pissed that you think I’d give up my child so easily.”
I nod, expecting more.
He stares at me, and as he does, his breathing slows a little. Then his eyes lower to the floor. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”
“Yeah. I am, but I wanted to make sure you got it all out of your system before I interrupted.”
“You do have a problem with interrupting me when I want to say something.” He nearly shouts it and that brings heat to my face, even though I know he’s right.
“Are you done now?” I ask. “Or is there another character flaw you’d like to point out before I get to speak?”
He narrows his eyes at me. “No, I think I’m done.”
I lift my brows and point to myself. “I’m hurt too, Drew. You were so sure I wouldn’t want to be a part of your life because of your children that you pretended they didn’t exist. You never even gave me the chance.”
“You assumed I wouldn’t want more kids. Isn’t that just as bad?”
I stand on my toes and point to his face. “It’s still my turn!”
He drops his hands on his hips.
“How was I to properly judge the situation when I didn’t even know what the situation was? I thought you were a bachelor with roommates. I didn’t think you’d want to be tied down, especially after your reaction when I told you I was pregnant. How would I know you’re a family man? How would I know you’re a widower—just like me! You couldn’t even come clean about your wife after I poured my heart out to you about losing Tucker.”
“Yes, Emily, my wife died. She gave me a daughter and then she was gone. Is that what you want to know?” He’s no longer shouting––he’s calm and that just makes him more intimidating. It makes him more powerful and it makes his words all the more agonizing. I see the hurt in his eyes… it’s something I’ve never seen before. How he manages to hide this on a daily basis is beyond me. He exhales heavily. “You want to hear how fucking scared to death I am that you’re pregnant?” His voice raises again, more anguished than angry. “How frightening it is to me that something like that could happen again… that I could lose you?”
“And that’s why you acted the way you did?” I step closer to him, wanting so badly to understand but also wanting to give comfort. “You’re afraid I’ll die?”
“Of course! What did you think? You thought I didn’t want kids?”
“That’s the only reason I offered the release of paternal rights. I thought you were happy being a bachelor, but then when I found out about Kyle and Hannah, I thought you didn’t want more kids.”
“You asking me to give up my rights as a parent hit me hard. After Hannah was born, my in-laws thought I’d just hand over custody of my kids. When I didn’t, they tried taking them. They didn’t think I was capable of caring for a newborn and a toddler.” He runs his hands through his hair and says, “Questioning my ability to be a parent sets me off.”
“I’m sorry. I wish I’d known that.”
“Emily, I love you. I want nothing more than to be with you and have a dozen children—I just don’t want to do it without you.” He turns and steps away, pacing in a circle, and I can see the defeated slump to his shoulders. “Kayla was perfectly healthy… her pregnancy with Hannah was completely uneventful, but then after Hannah was born, everything changed. One minute they were cutting the umbilical cord, and the next they were kicking me out of the room. Kayla was bleeding and…” He visibly wilts even further. “Then she was gone… and everything in my life changed. I won’t survive something like that again.”
I feel hot tears drip down my face, and I know that’s not helping, but I can’t stop them. His pain surrounds me and seeps through me. I know it too well and as much as I want to take it away from him, as much as I’d like to carry the burden for him, I know I can’t. Just like he can’t carry mine. “I’m sorry about Kayla, Drew.” I close my eyes and say, “And dammit, I’m sorry for all the nasty things I said at the school on
Saturday. There’s no excuse for that.” I tap my chest. “I know who you are. I know deeply what a great man you are and I should have known and remembered that before I said all those horrible things to you.”
“Emily, I’m sorry.”
I so badly want his arms around me but he’s keeping his distance and I hate this. I hate having a wedge between us.
“I’d never in a million years pretend my children don’t exist—not on purpose. That morning, when Hannah called, you asked about her and I was torn between lying and telling the truth. The truth went against our agreement but the lie… was a lie,” he says these last three words in a whisper.
I nod and I know he’s right. “I understand, Drew. I really do. I was feeling exceptionally vulnerable that morning. If you had told me the truth, I might have ended our relationship right then… and that’s not what I wanted.”
He runs a hand through his hair. “But then when we found each other here…”
“I know, that was my fault too,” I admit. “The day before our meeting with Grant, I’d figured out that I might be pregnant. I spent the entire night scared to death over facing a pregnancy and having a child alone. But then you were there and that scared me just as much. I wasn’t sure what a baby would mean for us so I asked for a day to just be with you. I wanted another peaceful day without real life screwing everything up.” I close my eyes and remember that first night together and how perfect it was. How happy I was to have him there with me, but also how terrified I was of losing him.
“I’m sorry.” Finally, he reaches out for me. When his arms are tight around me, I try to relax and breathe away my fears. “And then I freaked out when you told me,” he groans. “I’m sorry.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about Kayla? Even when I told you about Tucker, you could have mentioned that we have that in common.”
