by Alexia Purdy
Saul looked like he was thinking about what I’d said, and his silence filled me right back up with the anxiety that horded my brain when he first asked me to play the song. It’d been for him, all for him. It’d been of him and about him, for him. How much of my soul could I rip out and hand to him without him realizing it? I hoped it wasn’t going to take too much. The fall was full of pain.
“Audrey, you know I loved that song. I was sitting there thinking, if only it was about me.”
My eyes widened. “How could it not be?”
His instant smile made my heart flip. Could he think I didn’t love him?
He reached out and pulled me closer, his strong, firm arms gently holding me, and I melted into his chest, smelling faint cologne and his sweet skin. I wanted to kiss him but didn’t want to break the moment.
“I love you, Audrey.”
I looked up into his nearly colorless eyes, tears forming in mine. “I love you too, Saul. I’ve never felt like this for anyone else in my life. Tell me it’s not going to fall apart. Everything always falls to pieces.”
He nodded, letting my tear streaked face lean against his shoulder once more.
“I’ll always be here for you. Don’t forget that. I love you more than you’ll ever know, and I hope you can one day know just exactly how much. I’m so glad I took that ride with you and Liv that day at the motel. I could’ve said no and let my love drive away.”
I let the tears soak his shirt, leaving a snotty pile on his shoulder. I felt horrible doing so, but I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. He gave me the best present in the world that moment, and I didn’t want it to be over. The minutes turned into hours as we talked about our lives, until our bodies acted out the words, mingling in sensations I could never tire of. Then we laughed and chatted more, until we couldn’t hold our eyes open anymore and sleep took its turn controlling us into its embrace. Everything was alright. It was perfect because this was the only place I wanted to be, and as my mind drifted into the land of dreams, I remembered praying it would last forever.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Liv
Staring at the group of henchmen gathered around Jonas, including Emilio, who was required to attend everything Jonas attended while in town, I felt a sour knot in my stomach. I hated it when Jonas was in town, hated it with a vengeance. The more I fell for Emilio, the more it felt like I was betraying him with his brother, Jonas. It was a masquerade I didn’t want to dance in anymore. I wanted to strip the mask off and yell across the stage on the microphone that I belonged to Emilio, forever, and my heart would never be Jonas’, ever.
But I couldn’t do it. The dread grew with each passing day, and my nightmares had worsened as my love for Emilio grew and my loathing for Jonas tripled. I turned to watch Audrey as she checked the amps, rolling out the long cords to keep them from tangling. She worked expertly, and we had tons of room on this stage. Some of the equipment was already set up and shared with several bands, but we could bring our own to add to it or use for our sets if we so wished. She looked so oblivious to the turmoil inside me, making me feel like I wanted to rush to the edge of the stage and hurl my lunch out to make it all go away.
Why did love have to happen now? Why did Emilio have to be Jonas’ brother? I wanted to shake my fist to the sky and demand to know these answers. Was it some sick joke? Was I on some unknown Truman Show, where others were watching every little step and misstep I took with morbid anticipation of getting to see me crash and burn? Maybe I was. Maybe life was just some horrible TV show that people watched when they were bored out of their wits and wanted something dramatic and tragic to talk about instead of their own pathetic lives.
My life could be a soap opera. No…a reality show. Oh, hell no. I pressed my eyelids together, feeling the exhaustion creeping into my bones as the moments ticked by. I’d spent yesterday with Emilio, fucking all over the house because Audrey and Saul decided to do another day trip to the beach. It was a miracle I even left the house, really, especially if Emilio was there. Then, we discovered Jonas was back in town and wanted to meet with me for a very special dinner. My heart had dropped to my shoes while lying in bed with Emilio, when the phone rang and it was Jonas. Tired and worn out from the ecstasy of the day, I’d reluctantly agreed to meet with him, knowing if I rejected his invitation, it would be a total invite for him to come to my house. Our house. The home I’ve built with my sister and Emilio. That was an invasion I think would have set me over the edge, even though I knew one day Jonas would waltz through my private abode, with or without my approval.
I hoped it would never occur when Emilio was there doing all those exquisite things he could do with his hands, mouth, and body…
Shit.
I ripped my eyes from the Jonas’ group and tried to concentrate on my keyboards. I was doing the piano today and some mixes that Saul had taught us on the electronic boards. It was going to be a hell of a show, one of the biggest and most intricate ones we’d ever done. If Jonas liked it, he was going to have us record our songs this way for the demo and send it to the producers he had in his family. I prayed they’d accept us, that they’d drag us so far from Jonas that we’d never ever see him again, but that could also backfire and separate me from Emilio. He’d convinced me it wouldn’t happen, that he’d make sure Jonas kept us together to keep us in line. The last part made Emilio chuckle, but I didn’t think it was so funny. I fact, I wondered if I’d ever laugh again with all matters about Jonas.
The cartel leader was a constant threat, a haunting lingering in the back of my mind, stealing away my sleep in the middle of the nights, and ripping my integrity until I was feeling like my thick skin had been shredded and the leftover was far too thin. He had us under his control, regardless what Emilio said about his brother. Jonas was king and he knew it.
I just hoped this queen would be able to keep her head attached to her neck.
“Hey, Liv…Liv!” Audrey waved frantically at me as I stared into oblivion.
“Yeah?” I stepped out from behind the keyboards to meet her halfway in the middle of the stage.
“You’re doing it again.”
“Doing what again?”
“The face full of fear look. I know you’re nervous because Jonas’ posse is here and all, but snap out of it. You’re going to freak and forget lyrics or notes or something. Breathe and whatever you do. Don’t look at them, not even Emilio.” She upturned her nose at the last name, making me narrow my eyes at my sister.
“What’s wrong with Emilio? You don’t like him, do you?” I was on the defensive, feeling my anger gearing up for a fight as I straightened. Anger focused me more than despair. If she wanted me to snap out of any kind of fog, she’d done it fast with the slight at Emilio.
“Nothing, just saying don’t look at them. They obviously make you freak out, so I think it’s best you pretend they don’t exist over there with their cold blooded killers modes. They scare me too. I don’t look at them either.
“Well, that’s fine and all, but I don’t see why Emilio bothers you so much.”
Audrey’s pursed lips and the look of parental concern made my flags rise up. She knew, didn’t she? She knew all about me and Emilio. She knew more than I’d given her credit for. Shit! How the hell was I going to hide stuff from anyone now with her giving away all the details on her face?
“I just don’t want you to get hurt, that’s all.”
“You mean you don’t want to see you get hurt either,” I spat. I walked away, flustered that she knew my secret that I didn’t really hide that well anyway from her, but mostly pissed off that she’d never admitted she knew. I could feel that this was old knowledge to her now, and it made me wonder just how long she’d held back this information. I was slacking on keeping tabs on my sister too, but at least I knew she was all about Saul. She was so predictable, like an assembly line. I knew what came next, but damn if a defective item didn’t roll down the line to mess up the queue now and then. Her silence was
the defect, and I was going to have a long hard talk with her after the show.
“On in five!” the stage hand signaled to us, yelling out across the platform. It was set high in the middle of a grassy field of a park. I couldn’t even recall which one because when we’d booked it, Audrey had handled the details while I looked on, bored out of my wits. Now I wished I’d paid attention, even when we’d driven here. Audrey drove while I sat in the back picking my nail polish and applying lipstick. So irresponsible to know that I could be so complacent with her and not even know where she’s brought me.
Eyes back on the Jonas’ clan, the bitter taste returned as I pressed my fingers on the keys and began the preset instrumental that introduced us to the crowd, winning them slowly into a hushed bunch as my notes became more hurried, spellbinding, and enthralling.
I was possessed by it. My eyes wandered from Jonas, whose calm face watched me as my fingers sped across the keyboard, to Emilio, the man that made my heart squeeze with a furious joy I wanted to know for the rest of my life.
Jonas glanced from me to Emilio, then back again before I flicked my gaze away from them down to my keyboard and continued the set without looking in their direction again. I’d seen him catch me staring at Emilio, though, and that was all it took to warn me that a storm was brewing and the night wind was going to rip my life apart before I even know what I had. The scent of cut grass meshed with human sweat and stench, and as the crowd thickened and we started our sets of songs, it continued to rub at me until my soul felt raw, vulnerable, and frightened.
Jonas had seen my longing glance to Emilio. He had, hadn’t he? Maybe he’d missed it. It was a small possibility. I hoped so, but something told me even if he’d seen just a fraction of our exchange, it would be enough to light the tiny seed of fire in Jonas’ brain about Emilio and me. There had to be a sliver of hope that Jonas wouldn’t put two and two together and our night could go on like any other. I had to clutch to that tiny hope as my fingers flew across the keys and my heart died slowly on that stage, while my beautiful sister and I belted out lyrics to a very personal song called “Blue Heart”, about love and hate and the fall of the sky above…
“This tiny thread
Between love and hate
Keeps the dread
Inside this fate
No longer lost
But never found
Of dust and false
Forever bound
The sky has fallen
Our sun now gone
The moon so sullen
As lovers run…
My blue heart broken
Crushed and undone
My sweet life fading
Leaving unsung
Run from the frost
As cold sets in
The fiery breath
Of hell within
Clutches my mind
And won’t let go
Until the night
Has sold my soul
The sky has fallen
Our sun now gone
The moon so sullen
As lovers run…
My blue heart broken
Crushed and undone
My sweet life fading
Leaving unsung…”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Audrey
The rest is history. That’s what it always comes to, right? Sitting forward with my headphones on, I listened to the track currently being hacked apart by our studio sound mixer, Random. I found his name fitted him perfectly; he threw in random notes, beats and all sorts of magic into the songs we sang, mixing them up into some crazy mash. Somehow, he churned out finished songs that actually made sense and rocked the house. How he did that with the mess of our songs was beyond comprehension. It was purely hypnotic chaos to watch him work. I figured if he could make us sound even better, then so be it. But, I’d decided to oversee production, even if the studio execs gave me the devil’s eye for interfering. I didn’t care. I didn’t want our trio to sound artificial, and I definitely didn’t want to produce something we couldn’t play live.
Luckily, Random didn’t seem to care if I was there or not. At first he was somewhat aloof, but after weeks of my presence, he warmed up to me and often began to ask what I thought about his mixes, which made me feel less like a spoiled brat princess standing in the way and more of the songwriter that I was.
Saul would occasionally join me in my vigil to keep our music ours and not some artificial beat. Still, most of the time it was just Random and I tweaking the music.
“Here,” Saul interrupted my thoughts as I listened to the playback of Liz’s voice on one of the single tracks we’d be releasing first. A steaming cup of coffee beckoned me, and I took it graciously.
“You’re my hero.” I gave him a dreamy smile as I inhaled the rich aroma. I’d been here all day, and I swore my ears were starting to ring. It was tough work keeping up with Random. I could swear the guy never slept or left the studio. It was a wonder how he managed to smell decent and not look like a street bum. Maybe he had a hidden apartment right here in the building.
“Another late night, Random?” Saul sat in one of the creaky swivel chairs and rolled over to the panel beside Random. It was filled with buttons, sliders, gauges and more. It all made my head spin into a thousand circles. I’d never figure out what each thing did, but that was Random’s job; to know what to do with this mess.
I yawned, stretching out like a cat. “You bet. Gotta make sure he doesn’t kill the sound with all these gadgets.”
“She’s the slave driver, not me. I was done hours ago.” Random gave us a cheesy fake smile before turning back to the board and fidgeting with even more knobs.
“I bet.” Saul’s grin was more genuine and always sparked an explosion of flutters in my stomach. “I was thinking, why doesn’t Liv do more of these sessions with Random? He could use her insight too.”
Had I caught a smidge of jealousy in his voice? I flicked my eyes away and stared at the hot mug of coffee in my hands. It smelled amazing and fresh, like Saul had just made a new pot in the employee’s lounge. He spent a lot of time in there when not with me in the studio. Could be because there were a couple couches in there and he’d taken up residence on them during the late nights we spent here, listening to the football games on television. Even though he was blind, he was an avid football fan and listened to the broadcasts regularly.
I chewed on my lip for a moment. It made me feel bad to work so much without him, but this was our ticket to the big time. Even Jonas was backing us with his less than desirable connections, and I wasn’t going to waste it. If we could just break out into the public eye, maybe we’d have a chance of escaping his iron hold on us.
“I know, but you know how Liv is. If I ask her to come sit with Random and listen to his stuff, she’d never even come unless it involved rerecording her vocals or a whole new track. Her and E—…” I lowered my voice, but Random had replaced his headphones and was nodding his head to the beat. I’d removed mine when Saul had entered the room. “If Jonas thinks she’s here, he leaves her alone. So then she goes and spends it with Emilio. I have to be here regardless, or he’d notice her absence even more if he happens to drop in.”
Saul frowned, his lips formed tight with discontent. “She’s asking for trouble, and I don’t like Emilio. Jonas is worse, but his brother is not much better.”
“Shh…” I hushed him and bobbed my head toward Random. “We can’t talk here.”
“Where can we talk? You’re always here.” Saul stood up and downed the last sip from his mug of coffee before he slammed it on a side table. I could see the gears straining in his head as his frustration leaked. I hadn’t spent as much time with him outside the studio. It wasn’t fair to him, I knew that, but this project was the only thing I could focus on right now.
“I’m sorry, Saul. You know this has to be done. Look…” I stood up and grabbed my bag, waving to Random as I motioned that I was leaving. “Let’s go get some dinner. I’m fa
mished and living on caffeine, and Random’s second hand smoke is making me jittery. We can talk then.”
Saul’s face loosened, and he gave me a tiny nod as he let me pass him to the door of the studio and out into the quiet hall. I wondered what time it was; the staff was already long gone.
“Nine-Thirty P.M.,” the robotic voice from Saul’s time piece echoed across the emptiness ahead, the offices vacant even though all the rooms were opened so the cleaning personnel could do their nightly janitorial duties.
“Thanks,” I said. I trotted ahead of Saul and made my way out of the building into the darkened parking lot. Dinner would be good for me. It would definitely kill my sour mood and revive my head. I needed to think more, about the songs we were finalizing for our first album, about Liz and Emilio treading on dangerous territory while Jonas watched us closely, and about Saul.
Saul.
I loved him, but life was getting in the way.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Liv
“Yeah, this is Emilio.”
The dark silhouette of my love covered the glaring light from the bathroom my room connected to. I loved that I had my own ensuite; it made it easier for Emilio to stay the night without going out into the house to attend to his needs. We’d spend so many hours here—watching movies, listening to each other’s stories about our lives, eating all sorts of stuff we could get our hands on, delivered or made at home. It was like our own private apartment.
The sound of a voice on the other end made me wonder who’d be calling him at this hour. It was already eleven at night, and the streetlamps shined through the sheer curtains on one of the windows facing the east side of the house. My room was on the second floor, and the nearest neighbor’s house was a one story, so there was no risk of anyone peering into our abode.
“Is that really necessary?”
