by Alexia Purdy
“Me? Never.”
He leaned forward, bringing his hands onto mine on my lap. I froze, unsure of what to do.
“I love that about you. Always looking out for others, never apologizing for thinking of everyone else but yourself. Selfless and yet, so talented.”
“Wow…um…thanks. I’m just not great with compliments.” I peered down at our hands as he caressed mine with his fingers. “Random…I.”
“Look, Audrey…” We both spoke in tandem, but stopped and laughed.
“Sorry, go ahead,” I said, clearing my throat. I didn’t pull away, like I should’ve. My head was screaming about Saul, and my guilt was creeping in, but I had to hear what Random had to say. We’d spent tons of hours in here, mixing songs and tweaking arrangements, and he’d become a really good friend. I couldn’t ruin that. I had so few friends in this life.
“Um…sorry about that. Look…I know you’re with Saul, and I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, but…” He ran a hand through his locks, looking more nervous than I’d ever seen him. “But I have feelings for you, and it kills me to keep them to myself any longer.”
I swallowed down the sudden dry desert forming in my mouth. I knew he had feelings for me, something had told me this ages ago, but my heart was Saul’s. His gentle voice and face careened into my mind, and I felt a sheen of sweat build on my forehead.
“It’s really awesome working with you…” I managed to say. How stupid I felt, all tongue tied and unable to respond in any logical way when he was looking at me like that. Why did he have to do that with those eyes?
“I know it might be impossible, and it’s not right that I even ask you this but…if you have feelings for me too, I have to know, Audrey.” His hand was on my cheek as he pulled closer. I sucked in a breath at his proximity, feeling his warmth radiate across my skin. “Tell me you feel the same way.”
His lips were so near, so soft looking, and beckoned in a way I couldn’t even deny. As his eyes drew me in, I couldn’t move. Suddenly, he was kissing me with sweet, longing kisses that made me sigh in utter release. It was enough that my head cleared the fog that’d been confusing me the moments prior.
I pulled back, afraid of what came next or what I wanted to happen next.
“I—I can’t do this.” I shot to my feet, the chair careening back before slamming into the wall and teetering to the side to finally crash down to the floor.
We both stared down at the toppled chair, frozen in our shoes.
My fingers touched my lips where his had been a moment before. They were warm and craved his touch again. Why? How could I do this to Saul? I stepped back, my insides churning with confusion.
“Audrey, wait…please...” Random stepped toward me, holding out his hands and looking afraid to touch me again. “Don’t go. I don’t want to ruin our friendship. Please…let me explain.”
I shook my head as I continued to touch my lips. They tingled and it reminded me to look at Random closely. I’d never really looked at him before, not in this light, not so detailed and full of wanting.
Why this need? Saul was enough for me. But I was a rock star, and there’d been so many men who’d thrown themselves at me. It was easy to push them off with security surrounding me and Saul by my side. But no one was here, no one but Random and myself. Was this how I’d respond elsewhere with any other? No…that wasn’t me. This was Random we were talking about, someone I’d spent nights with working kinks out of the one thing I loved more than life…my music. He understood it better than even Liv or Saul. He knew every note, every syllable, and every lyric. Saul would tell me he liked doing percussion, but it wasn’t his lifelong dream. He wanted to teach at a school for blind children, to teach them it was okay to be blind and how to live like any other person even with their disability.
Random’s entire life was music. This was all he wanted to do, forever; know the notes, know the music, hear the beats, hear the words we sang for all it was and could truly be.
Shit.
With one kiss, Random had tilted my world on its axis, spinning my head in circles. Now, I wasn’t sure what I wanted or needed. All I could say was that I wanted to kiss Random back again and again. That one touch he’d given me was not enough. I had a taste of something I never knew I could need…could crave.
“I got to go.” I grabbed my jacket and bag, heading toward the door.
“Please, don’t leave…” Random was already there, a hand on the smooth wood gently pushing at it. It wasn’t meant to keep me here. Something told me he would let go if I really wanted to get out.
I dropped my things and glared at him. “How dare you?”
He lowered his eyes to the ground, looking ashamed and broken.
“I’m sorry. All these days we’ve spent together, I didn’t mean to fall for you. It just happened. I had to tell you, for all it’s worth.”
His vulnerability snagged something in me. I stopped tugging on the knob and let my hand return to my side. He stepped away from the door and met my gaze once more, waiting for me to say something. Anything would do.
“Random?”
“Yes?”
“How do you know what you feel?” My eyes watered with tension, my heart wrenching with this fight in my head.
He reached out toward me again, gracing my chin with his fiery touch. “It’s the way you make me feel when you’re near. I can’t deny it. I tried to stay away, but it’s useless.”
I reached up and placed my hand on his. It was nice, warm and sturdy. He wore multicolored woven bracelets on that wrist, along with a watch. No one wore watches anymore, save for him and Saul. His scent filled my nostrils and called me to him in some subconscious way that I was having a hard time fighting.
I stepped forward, knowing my decisions would have dire consequences. But we only lived this one life, this one time to know everything we could want, to achieve the things we desired. If my heart was so torn, there had to be a reason good enough to be that way. I had to know why, why this crack in my perfect shield existed where Random had so easily penetrated.
Closing the gap between us, I kissed him this time around. He didn’t force me, just let his arms encircle my body, softly sliding around my back until our bodies touched and our kisses deepened into an even more unfathomable heat.
His mouth was an abyss to fall into, and I let him devour mine without a second thought. His hands carefully slid over my skin, slowly at first until he was sure I wouldn’t run away again. Then he pressed more firmly, up and down my body until he could no longer keep his hands on just the surface of my clothes.
I helped him pull his shirt off, letting it slide to the floor before pulling mine off. His hungry eyes took in my body as he pulled me closer and I helped him out of his jeans.
Before we went any further, he reached over toward the door and slid the lock into place, ensuring no one could walk in on us. I didn’t protest. Gone was the confusion I’d felt moments before. I wanted to drown in this love, this man I’d gotten to know in more ways than one. My guilt swiftly dismissed into the dark cracks in my mind, where I could ponder them later and cry into my pillows with the sorrow of how sorry I could feel.
But not now. Not this moment when I was on fire and Random was the only person in this world who could quench it. He made love to me there, in the studio, lying me gently down on his jacket while taking his time to make sure he covered every inch of me in his fiery kisses.
And as the moments ticked by, I let him show me everything of him he’d so desperately craved to, filling me up with things I’d never thought I needed.
I regretted nothing.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
1 month later…
Liv
The swirling water from the toilet sounded distant as I breathed through my mouth, staving off the smell of chlorine and vomit as I hunched over the rim and spat. I held my hair back away from my face, but the shorter strands kept escaping. I’d woken up sick to my stomach and had barely made
it to the bathroom.
Feeling weak and still a bit nauseous, I pattered off to the sink and rinsed my mouth, splashing my face with water. Grabbing a towel from the stack the motel left on the sink, I dried my face and peered at myself in the mirror. I was a sallow green shade, but it was fading as the moments ticked by. I’d lost weight recently and was beginning to look even more waif like. Maybe I should see a doctor.
I shook my head and tossed the towel to the side. I hated doctors. Loathed them. There was no way I was going there whatsoever for a small bout of food poisoning.
Heading out of the restroom, I plopped back onto the bed and peered over to the second bed next to me. Audrey slept curled up into Saul as he softly snored. The hotel had been nearly booked full, and we’d been forced to share a room this time. Luckily, it was our day off, and I could relax and recover from whatever was ailing me. We had one more week on tour, and then we would finish recording the second album and take a long vacation before it released and we’d be thrown on tour again.
I hoped it lasted longer than a few months. I was exhausted from travelling and singing almost every night for the last three months. It was more than draining.
I let my face sink into the pillow I’d bunched up under my head. Listening to the soft breathing from the other bed, I knew I wasn’t the only one burnt out on touring. My body ached in every little joint, my throat was constantly sore, and my legs felt like Jell-O most days. Exercising kept me in shape, but nothing compared to the energy it took to keep going weeks on end on little sleep, forgetting to eat now and then, compiled with extreme jetlag. I was pretty done with this rock ‘n roll crap for a while, and we weren’t even near the end.
Closing my eyes, my thoughts went to Emilio and then to Jonas. I’d not seen either since Jonas had ripped me out of my tour bus at 2am to see me desperately a month ago. We’d spent a couple nights together before he left again. No contact from Emilio since a week before that. It worried me to not hear from either of them, and the loneliness crept into me during these wee hours of the mornings.
At least Audrey had Saul. Hell…she had Random too, and no one was going to kill her if either found out about the other. I knew about Random. He’d demanded to get a chance with Audrey, hence the reason I’d stayed with Jonas longer than usual as an excuse to leave the studio to them three weeks ago when Saul was sick. What other way to give Random what he needed so he would keep his trap shut about Emilio and me?
All this thinking was giving me a headache, so I turned away from their sleeping bodies and settled in for a couple more hours of sleep. It was just five in the morning, and I wasn’t planning on getting out of bed any time soon.
I sat up remembering something which had slipped my mind. My period was late. Or was it? I tried my hardest to remember when I’d had my last one, but my memory failed miserably. I sighed as I rubbed my face in frustration. I probably missed it due to stress. It happened before when I didn’t eat enough and was on days of drug highs that kept me going on and on without much thought for sleep or food. That was probably it. Not the drug part, but the exhaustive pace I’d kept was messing with me for sure. Not to forget the food poisoning I had at this time.
I settled back into bed for a nice long nap, hoping to shove any more crazy thoughts out of my head.
My stomach had other ideas…
Chapter Forty
Audrey
The day was dragging, but I didn’t mind. I sat outside in the balcony of the motel they’d stuffed us in for our days off. Everyone was tired, me included. I sipped the hot tea I’d made after heading to the bathroom. Liv was passed out cold on her bed, and so was Saul on the other bed where I’d slept the night. His gorgeous figure was tangled in the sheets, but I knew every inch of that body. Luckily Liv hadn’t come to the hotel until late last night complaining about eating something bad. That had given us ample time to break in the hotel bed all by ourselves.
The thought of making love to Saul brought my mind around to Random. I’d never cheated on anyone before. I wasn’t like Liz, who had a rotating door of men coming and going at her whim. Even being with Jonas hadn’t kept her from going with Emilio. I shook my head at the thought of my sister. Still, after being with Random, my flesh had ached to feel him again. Even while with Saul, I couldn’t keep my thoughts from floating away to the other man.
I should’ve felt bad, guilty that I’d betrayed Saul. But I was too tired to feel bad right now. Maybe it was nothing to get all hung up about. Maybe the thing with Random was just that, a one-time thing. I didn’t know what I would do when I saw him again, but maybe it wouldn’t be anything, and things would just go on. Maybe it would heat up again, just like that day. I just couldn’t tell yet. I loved Saul, and I liked Random a lot. Things had gotten so complicated, but I didn’t want to think about it at all. So I let the days go on, as if nothing happened.
Maybe I was wrong to do so. Obviously, my coping skills had rusted out. I was more mature than this. I should’ve dealt with it as soon as possible, but I couldn’t. Or I wouldn’t.
My stomach flipped, so I set the tea down on the table. Maybe whatever was ailing Liz had gotten to me too. I made my way to the bathroom and felt my stomach knot up even more. I made it to the toilet just in time to spill my tea right back out. Sliding to the floor, I felt absolutely awful. Whatever we’d eaten to get us sick was definitely a doozy. We’d be sick in bed together then. No big deal. I was done.
Leaving the bathroom after cleaning up, I slid back into bed with Saul, who barely moved from his spot as I crawled under the covers once more. I watched Liz sleeping peacefully as she dreamed whatever it was that crawled across her mind during these hours. I hoped it was a pleasant one and smiled at my little sister. Though things had been difficult lately, it’d all been well worth it.
I wouldn’t trade it in for the world, whatever dire consequences may come…
Chapter Forty-One
Liv
Heat rolled of his skin, along with a sleek build of sweat from our lovemaking. He was glorious to look at, and I made sure my fingers explored every centimeter of hot flesh I could touch whenever he was around. There was something edgy and fierce about Emilio Esperanza. Something I could never tire of. He was my muse—my heart—and he haunted every synapse of my brain without even trying.
It wasn’t hard to look at the one person who could be my downfall…my demise…and feel nothing but a passionate need.
“When can you come back?” I didn’t want to hear another reason why he had to go. It was always something. I wasn’t even certain Emilio would always come back anymore. Maybe I was just being hormonal, but the tears were welling up in my eyes as I stared at him.
Breathing in and out, I tried to calm my insecurities. I didn’t want to break down in front of him.
Fuck.
“I don’t know. Jonas is sending me back to Sonora. I have to get things settled there before I can come back.” His tiger tan colored eyes flashed at me, so full of things unsaid. They had me wondering just what he was hiding. I wasn’t a jealous girl, but I could tell when I was being lied to.
“What sort of things?” I toyed with the end of the blanket, now fraying.
Emilio frowned and visibly sighed. His tight expression told me he was frustrated with the constant twenty questions I threw his way, but I couldn’t help myself. I needed him here, with me, for now and always.
“Cartel business, Preciosa. There is no other kind.”
I nodded, wishing it was some other kind and that I could reach out and cut the tie that binds him to his family’s business. I let my eyes drift down to the guitar I’d just subconsciously grabbed when he’d let me go. Strumming quietly calmed me when I felt like screaming. He knew this meant I’d retreated into my tumultuous thoughts, afraid to let my emotions take me over like they’d done so many times before. It was my way of coping with things I couldn’t deal with. He knew what my strumming meant and turned away instead of stopping to listen to the melody em
anating from my fingers.
It hurt when he looked away, more than I ever thought possible.
Yet, if he knew me so well, why did he have to leave? Didn’t he know the only cure for my insanity was him? Why did it feel like he was cutting me loose every time he walked through that door, forgotten the second he entered his “other” life?
“Look, I have to go now. I’ll call you the usual time next week? FaceTime or Skype?”
“I’ll have both on me,” I said, averting my gaze. If I looked at him now, I’d break down and turn into a sniveling mess. I wanted to avoid that at all costs.
“Alright. See you then, Liv.” He flattened his shirt and approached the door of the bedroom. He didn’t turn around, just went through it, shutting the door with a heartbreaking click. How well we knew this dance. Don’t say goodbye. Don’t kiss me goodbye. I couldn’t take it. We both knew this and didn’t even have to voice it anymore.
Just like that, he was gone. If only the tears would disappear with him.
***
All I had to look forward to were his calls. This tiny event each week was the only thread I could catch of his essence, and I needed this hit like a vital drug.
“How’s Sonora?”
He moved to adjust on an old antique chair he’d chosen to sit at this session. All I could see behind him were wood shelves lined with food—cans, bags of rice, beans, bottled fruits and flour. It looked well stocked, but didn’t give me any clue to what was going on around him or the reason he had to stay there any longer.
“Business as usual.” He stared back at me, studying me through the pixels of the screen. If only I could reach out and caress his face through it.
I heard screaming from somewhere, but it was distant, like children squealing as they played off screen. I swallowed hard, my mouth dry as I peeked around the internet café, watching everyone to make sure I wasn’t being spied on. I knew the rules. Our secret had to stay that way, no matter how much I didn’t want it to, hence why I was at an internet café instead of chatting back at the hotel.
