by Renee Roman
“What?” Ari smirked and wrinkled her nose.
She pulled a small wrapped box from her back pocket. “This.”
Ari moved closer. “It’s wrapped beautifully. What is it?”
“It’s for you.”
“Me?” She looked over at the pile, knowing nothing she’d purchased was for Hudson. She felt terrible. “I didn’t get you anything.”
Hudson lifted her chin with a finger. “That’s okay. I saw this and it reminded me of you.”
Ari looked between the small square box in her hand and Hudson.
“Well, are you going to open it or just look at it?” It was her turn to put her hands on her hips.
Ari set it on the countertop and drew one end of the petite green ribbon, then carefully pulled the tape away. Inside, on a layer of white cotton, lay a charm bracelet. Attached to it was a tiny silver whisk.
“It’s so delicate.” She hugged Hudson and kissed her. “It’s perfect.”
“Here, let’s see if it fits.”
Ari held out her wrist and watched Hudson’s nimble fingers latch the tiny clasp. The silver chain fit tight enough that she wouldn’t lose it. Wrapping her arms around Hudson, she melted against her.
“Thank you.” She wanted to say more. Like how much she adored the woman in her arms. How much she fantasized about their future, dreams to be made into reality, and the love they shared. She had no doubt Hudson loved her. She felt it in her touch, her kisses. Saw it in her eyes. Despite all she knew, Hudson had yet to say the words, and until she did, Ari was reluctant to confess her feelings out loud for fear she’d push Hudson away.
Hudson stepped back and held her by the shoulders. “I’m glad you like it.” Her eyes shimmered and Ari saw the emotions coursing through the gray depths. Abruptly, Hudson shoved her hands in her pockets and glanced everywhere but at Ari’s face. She held her tongue, knowing Hudson was fighting to say something that scared her. Maybe this is it. Maybe she’ll actually say the words I need to hear.
Finally, Hudson looked back up. “I should go unpack. Do laundry.”
Disappointment clutched her heart. Perhaps she’d been wrong. Maybe Hudson would never be able to tell her she loved her. She swallowed hard and nodded. “Okay. I probably should unpack, too, and put all this stuff away.” She turned away not wanting Hudson to see the anguish threatening to shred her soul apart. The back door opened and she peered into the nearest bag, unable to see while tears pooled in her eyes.
“Ari?”
“What?” She winced at the tone of her voice. She hadn’t meant to sound as sharp as she did. It was too late to take it back.
“Uh…” Hudson hesitated.
Clearly, Hudson heard the annoyance in her voice.
“I was going to ask if you wanted to order in later.”
Ari took a deep breath and let her frustration ebb away. Hudson had been clear about her intentions, but she hadn’t made any promises she couldn’t keep. It was her own fault she was feeling let down. She forced the tears back, refusing to use them against Hudson.
“Okay. Come down when you’re ready, and we’ll pick a menu.”
Hudson walked up behind her, turned her, and cupped her face in the palm of her hand. Her mouth closed over Ari’s. The kiss built in intensity and their tongues caressed and explored in a slow tango. When she pulled away, Ari swayed and her eyes slowly opened.
“I don’t want our time together to end,” Hudson said.
It was hard to read the meaning in Hudson’s words. Did she mean today? Tomorrow? Forever? Why couldn’t she say what was visible on her face? What would it take to make Hudson sure enough to let go of the one thing she feared more than being alone? Being in love. Ari shuddered, dreading their future hopes might never turn into reality.
“It doesn’t have to.”
Hudson let out a long breath. Its warmth caressed her face. “I know.” Her voice cracked, and she cleared her throat. Her lips parted and closed again. Ari knew she was holding back.
“I’ll see you in a couple hours.”
“I’ll be here.”
The door closed and she sat down, fingering the silk scarf she’d bought. The variegated grays reminded her of the many shades of Hudson’s eyes.
“I’m not giving up on you,” she said out loud to the empty kitchen. After their weekend together, she was more determined than ever to help Hudson find her way out of the emotional chains that still bound her.
* * *
Hudson dropped her bags by the door and plopped into the nearest chair.
“Fuck,” she said.
Hadn’t she had a conversation this morning with her parents about this very thing? They’d encouraged her to tell Ari she loved her. To not waste any more time fighting the feeling. She’d confessed her fears of being hurt again. Their words echoed in her head.
“You do know the old saying is true, right?” Momma G. had asked. She looked at Mom D. who nodded in agreement.
“It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved again.”
She knew they were right. Everything they’d ever taught her spoke of the worth of taking risks, in all aspects of life. Failure is a skewed view of an attempt at a goal. What was her goal? She had it all mapped out at one time, but the foundation she’d built had crumbled and she hadn’t had the strength to shore it up again. Instead, she’d run from the rubble.
“Coward,” she said. She ran her fingers through her hair and flopped back. She’d made a mess of her life and now her relationship with Ari was paying for it. Ari deserved more, and if she didn’t want to lose the woman she loved, she’d better get her act together. She pushed off the chair and groaned. She had a dinner date. Maybe between now and then she’d find a way to tell Ari the truth.
Chapter Twenty-two
“Hi, Dale. It’s Ari.”
“Hi, sweetie. It’s good to hear from you.”
She bit her lip. She’d been fighting the urge to call Hudson’s parents all week, but she needed sound advice. Not something she’d likely get from her own. Her silence didn’t go unnoticed.
“Everything okay?”
“Yes. Well, yes and no.” Gathering her courage, she pushed on. “Uh…you know I love your daughter, right?” She sounded like a child and grimaced.
Dale chuckled. “It’s pretty obvious, but that’s not the reason for your call, is it?”
Damn. Hudson had told her how intuitive her mothers were, and she’d seen it firsthand. No point in beating around the bush at this point.
“Closure.”
“What?” Dale’s confusion came through the phone.
It was her turn to chuckle. “I’m sorry. What I mean is I think Hudson needs to find a way to have closure with Pam. I’d like to help her.” There was silence at the other end, and she worried she’d overstepped her boundaries. “I need your advice.”
* * *
“Damn it, Ari.” Hudson fumed. “You know I can’t do this. Why would you even ask?” Her earlier calm turned to uncertainty.
“Wait. Please don’t go before I can explain.”
“No. Never again. This…this is why I didn’t want to get involved, and I was right. Relationships always lead to pain. I’m done, Ari.” She stormed up the stairs, slamming the door on the pain and, virtually, on Ari.
“What the fuck?” she said. Pacing the confines of her apartment and knowing Ari was downstairs listening to her rant did nothing to help her mood. She grabbed her wallet and keys and fled. Her tires screeched as she sped out the driveway. She didn’t know where she was going, but she needed to get distance between them. Her anger simmered, threatening to boil over the top. She pulled over to the curb and slammed the car into park. She dropped her head against the headrest as she gripped the wheel hard enough to turn her knuckles white.
When Ari had called up to her saying she needed to talk, she thought it had something to do with the business. In the past few weeks, Ari had received close to a dozen contracts and it wouldn�
��t be long before she was going to need help. What she’d gotten instead had felt like a punch to the gut.
“I think the reason you can’t tell me how you really feel is that you never had closure with Pam.”
“Ari, I don’t think—” she’d begun before Ari cut her off.
“I’ve arranged for you and Pam to meet.”
She jumped to her feet. “You did what?” She slammed her hands on the island, jarring the dishes. “You had no right.” Her anger had burned white-hot and she hadn’t given Ari a chance to say a word.
She rubbed her eyes. Why would Ari have gone behind her back and set her up to see Pam? She never wanted to have to deal with her again. She was leaving it up to her lawyer to do that. She straightened up and blinked. Maybe that was it. Maybe Ari believed she’d never dealt with the breakup in a constructive way. While it was true she’d run from admitting there’d been issues between her and Pam, she’d dealt with it ending. Hadn’t she?
“Shit.”
The answer wasn’t pretty. She’d run without looking back. Maybe Ari was right after all. Maybe the reason she couldn’t tell Ari she loved her was because she’d never told Pam she didn’t love her. Compared to what she had with Ari, it was possible she’d never really loved Pam. Or at least, not as much as she thought she did. Maybe she’d settled for a less than loving relationship thinking they’d work at it. That way she could just go on believing she had the life she’d always wanted. A life like her parents had. She’d never taken the time to ask if her dreams would mesh with Pam’s. She just assumed they would. After all, they were together. Didn’t being together mean they saw the same things for their future?
She’d been wrong to storm out and not give Ari a chance to explain. She had the feeling she hadn’t acted alone. How would she have been able to find Pam, let alone contact her? Her parents had a part in it. She wanted to be angry with everyone. She wanted to tell them to mind their own business. This was her life, and she got to decide the path she’d follow. Only she hadn’t done such a great job at it, and there hadn’t been any monumental dreams she’d followed. How had she missed taking control and doing something constructive with her life? And she hadn’t done one thing that revolved around her future since moving away.
Looking around, she got her bearings and headed to a neighborhood bar. A place she could be just another face in the crowd with no one counting on her or expecting her to be reasonable.
Hudson stood at the bar and ordered. She’d thought about having a beer, but knew if she went down that path, she’d be taking a taxi home. Scotch in hand, she settled in a small booth and pretended to watch the football game. She needed to own up to her mistakes, and it made her stomach queasy. She’d made poor choices, but spending time with Ari and making love with her wasn’t in that category. Ari was like a breath of fresh air compared to the few women she’d slept with since Pam. Her mind wandered back to their first meeting and how much she’d enjoyed talking with her, even if Ari had appeared a bit clumsy. It seemed like ages ago. What if she’d ruined her chances with Ari? What if her childish reaction was all the proof Ari needed to end their relationship before she was in too deep? Hudson groaned. Once again, when life hadn’t gone the way she wanted, she’d cut and run.
She lifted her glass to the television screen. “Way to go.”
* * *
Ari listened to the footfalls overhead. Hudson paced upstairs, obviously upset at what she’d done. The back door banged, followed by the sound of tires screeching on the pavement. Had she gone too far? Dale and Gina had been cautious in their encouragement of what might be construed as a drastic measure, but they hadn’t dissuaded her either.
Dale told her she’d proudly passed on her stubborn streak to her daughter, which went hand-in-hand with rarely asking for help, even when she was desperate. Ari knew they were well aware of how much Hudson was struggling to free her heart from the past. She’d told them she didn’t doubt Hudson’s love, even if she couldn’t bring herself to say the words out loud. Ari said she thought not having closure with Pam was the reason. They asked what she wanted to do and listened to the plan she’d come up with. After voicing their concerns about how it could end disastrously, they agreed to help. She was taking a risk, but neither she nor Hudson could keep going in circles. Something had to give. She was either going to force Hudson to step into the future, or shut the door forever. She had gone with her gut instincts.
“Now what do I do?”
She thought about calling Hudson’s parents again, but she’d involved them enough. There was no sense turning Hudson against them. It had been her idea and it was her responsibility to see it through, if she could. She sat at the kitchen table and gathered her upcoming orders, date book, recipes, and supply list. With one ear tuned to the driveway, she dove into work, hoping the distraction would give her time to sort out what she wanted to tell Hudson. If she would listen to her at this point was anyone’s guess.
* * *
Hudson slowed to a crawl, not wanting to alert Ari she’d returned. Her anger had abated a couple of hours ago. After nursing her club soda, she’d gone for an intense session with Master Jin. He knew her mood the minute she hit the door. Instead of telling her to meditate, he’d put her through a demanding routine, and it had taken all her concentration to complete. The few times her mind had wandered, she’d ended up on the mat with him staring down at her before backing away and engaging her again.
Now that she could think without seething with anger, she realized Ari had most likely been right in asking her to confront Pam. She couldn’t move forward with one foot in the past. It was an admission she loathed making. After everything she’d put Ari through, including her inability to make a commitment or tell her she did love her, would Ari even want to hear what she had to say?
She crept up the back stairs. There hadn’t been any sound coming from the first floor, but she was sure Ari was awake. She turned the key, pushed open the door, and stopped. Ari was curled up in the corner of her couch and sound asleep. Even in slumber her beautiful face showed signs of worry, her brows knit. Hudson set her bag on the floor and knelt beside her, brushing strands of hair from her face. Ari’s eyes fluttered open.
“Hi.” Ari’s gaze held hers.
“Hi. What are you doing here?” Hudson stroked her arm, loving the feel of Ari’s skin.
Ari sat up. “I know I shouldn’t have invaded your space. I was worried and after you didn’t answer your cell…” She hesitated. “I didn’t think you’d talk to me unless I waited for you.”
She went to the counter and picked up her phone. It blinked. Four missed calls and two messages. They were all from Ari.
“I didn’t have it with me. I’m so sorry you were worried.”
“Where did you go?” Ari took a breath. “Never mind. It’s none of my business.” She got up to leave.
“Don’t go. Please? We need to talk.” Hudson hesitated, and then went on. “I’ve made a mistake. Quite a few of them.”
Ari’s face softened. “We all make mistakes. We’re human.” Closing the space between them, Ari tugged her hand. “But you’re right. We do need to talk.” Ari led her to the couch and tucked a leg under her so they were facing, their hands still connected.
Hudson watched Ari’s face, her lips pursed in a thin line. She looked back up and held Hudson’s questioning gaze, still wondering if she’d destroyed her chance of a future together. Ari didn’t make her wait long.
“I had no business contacting Pam, and I am so sorry I dragged your parents into it. Whatever my intentions were, that doesn’t give me any right to tell you how to handle your situation.” Ari ran a thumb over her knuckles. “I thought maybe it would be a chance for closure, and then maybe you’d be able to…” Ari broke eye contact, her eyes glancing at their joined hands. “Anyway, I’m sorry, Hudson. I only wanted to help.”
“You were right.”
Ari stared open-mouthed before snapping her jaw shut. “What did you
say?”
“You were right. I ran away because it was too difficult for me to face, or at least that’s what I believed. I never told Pam how I felt other than to deny it was over. I didn’t see it coming because I couldn’t admit my vision for the perfect relationship with a perfect life and a perfect family wasn’t ever going to happen between her and me. It felt too much like a failure to admit the spark between us was based on the physical relationship we had, not the emotional ties we shared.”
“I know I pushed you.”
“It’s because you did that I can see all of it now. Relationships don’t fail. I didn’t fail. Sometimes they work out, sometimes not. I’m not above being human and making errors in judgment and neither is Pam. She wanted a high-pay, high-stress career, and the fame and notoriety that went with it. That was her dream, but it wasn’t mine. She had the guts to tell me it wouldn’t work between us. I can’t blame her for being honest. Neither of us verbalized what we wanted once we were sharing a bed on a permanent basis. I think we took it for granted that we wanted the same things without ever having talked about what was important to each of us.” She paused, hoping that she was expressing herself clearly. “At the beginning, we were having such a good time nothing else mattered.” She pressed her hand to Ari’s cheek. “It all matters with you.”
Ari’s hand covered hers. “Does that mean you’re not mad at me?”
Covering her soft lips with her mouth, she hoped Ari could feel the passion inside of her. She ran her thumb along her cheek as she withdrew.
“So, tell me about this meeting I’m supposed to have with Pam.”
“Okay, so I got to thinking…” Ari began. Her eyes sparkled with enthusiasm as she talked.
I can do this. I can do this if it means there’s going to be a future us.
