by Auriane Bell
“I’m grateful. I mean... I didn’t know her but I’m... I’m glad she saved you. I’m glad it’s you who is alive and not her.”
Adrijan stared at her unbelievingly as if he hadn’t understood the meaning of her words. When he remained standing still, Mairin was worried that she wasn’t just imagining it. Had her babbling been inapprehensible? Grasping the chance to convey her feelings one more time, Mairin suppressed all the distracting murmurs in her head, quickly stood on tiptoes and pressed her lips on his cheek.
In the same instant she realised that she had forced herself on him again, immediately turned away and fled past him into the kitchen. There she stood, excited about the kiss and afraid of its consequences, thoroughly unable to calm herself.
Adrijan cleared his throat, entered the kitchen behind her and without saying a word vanished in the adjacent storeroom.
Mairin breathed deeply. How could he ignore what she had done?
A few moments later Adrijan returned with a loaf of bread and a small milk churn. Striving to avoid her gaze he put both on the table in front of her and fetched two glasses, a knife and a plate. Mairin watched him closely as he drew three crosses on the back of the bread with his thumb before cutting it. His hands were trembling almost imperceptibly.
“What was that for?” she quietly asked, trying to force away the awkward silence.
Adrijan raised his gaze and looked at her with questioning eyes.
“You were drawing something on the bread,” Mairin explained shyly.
“I was blessing it,” Adrijan explained. “I guess it’s true – old habits die hard. I may not believe in God anymore but I’m still grateful for this.” He paused and put aside the rest of the loaf he had talked about. “And for that too,” he added more silently, moving his hand to the cheek she had kissed. “Won’t you sit down?”
Mairin blushed and was overwhelmed by an unfamiliar happiness. Most of her fear had been washed away and she followed his invitation with pleasure, certain that her feelings were written all over her face. Adrijan sat down opposite to her and filled their glasses with milk.
The brown bread was still fresh, its crust crispy and the inside soft. It smelt delicious and tasted even better.
“Take a sip of milk with every bite,” Adrijan suggested. “It tastes best that way.”
Mairin gave it a try and was surprised to find out that he was right.
“After the incident Vivian gave me a new name and made me his first knight. I accepted both – name and position – with a strong feeling of gratitude.”
“A new name?” In surprise she had almost forgotten to swallow before talking. “Adrijan isn’t your real name?”
“It does sound a little fancy, right?”
She was glad to see that the smile had returned to his face.
“Adrijan Démon. The demonic first knight with hair like blood. Even though I had gained various new responsibilities I decided to also remain a priest. Rules had to be bent for me, A. D., the man who had died and come to life again. It was said that he was a demon as much as he was a saint. Ridiculously, people feared me for my image alone.”
“Hmm.” Was it alright to ask for his prior name?
“I was called Winther – if you were wondering.” Adrijan had anticipated her question.
Winther. Mairin inclined her head. He was wearing his long red hair with pride. If he had discarded the name given to him by his mother he had done so with a reason.
“It’s a good name.”
“Maybe. But it’s no longer mine.”
Mairin didn’t object. After what Adrijan had been through it was perhaps only natural that he had longed for a new beginning and different identity.
“We continued living, receiving the lives of others to prolong ours and over the years Vivian gained even more influence. As a priest it was easy for me to establish contact to people who wanted to die. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never made false promises or coerced anyone into giving up months or years of their lives. Vivian has always been popular with girls and found ways to ensure the continuity of his life that way. When he became a doctor there were yet more options. Even so there were times when both of us just wanted to end it all – and we would have if it hadn’t been for our obligations towards Magdala.”
“You, a priest, wished to die?”
“More than once. Mairin, it’s painful to grow this old. Even if you make friends you can’t keep them. Before you manage to get used to one era another has already begun. All the time you have to be careful not to make enemies you can’t defeat and on top of all that you have to keep the device secret and away from everyone.”
“Couldn’t you have destroyed it?” Realising that she might have triggered a dangerous idea Mairin wanted to take back the question.
“Vivian tried that the day Magdala sacrificed herself. He was so furious he tossed the hour glass on the ground and stepped on it. His outburst didn’t even leave a scratch.”
“Did Magdala mention in her letter where the device had come from?”
Adrijan shook his head. “Unfortunately not. Perhaps she was old as well and that’s why she... decided to save me.”
“I believe there was a better reason for it than her death wish. Don’t you think her life with Vivian would have given her the necessary strength to continue?”
Mairin took another piece of bread and regretfully looked at her empty glass.
“More?”
She nodded and Adrijan refilled the vessel.
“I’m not sure but I dislike the thought that I ruined their happiness. Either way, it can’t be undone now. Let’s not talk about it anymore.
Hmm... Traumstadt was a sort of anchor for Vivian and me. While the world was changing around us it always stayed the same and kept us grounded. The era you lived in was the same era in which Vivian had finally acquired enough power to establish his dream. Traumstadt took a lot of planning and devoured a considerable amount of money. Of course the idea of it evolved over time in its own way but the core of it remained.
Unfortunately we were aware that to guarantee the safety of the hour glass it was necessary to adapt and Traumstadt turned more into a resort than a home.”
It was strange to hear Adrijan talk about the place where she had grown up as if it weren’t entirely real.
“Well it’s getting late... I probably shouldn’t delay telling you about your father any longer.”
Listening to Adrijan’s dark past she had almost forgotten how the evening had started.
What was he about to tell her? Had he really murdered him?
Adrijan noticed the tension on Mairin’s face. Not long ago she had kissed him on his cheek and soon she wouldn’t consider doing anything like it anymore. He had received her attention with mixed feelings. On the one hand he was longing for more and on the other hand he knew it wasn’t meant to be and wanted her to protect herself by staying away from him. How could she be glad that Magdala had saved the man who had consecutively been able to murder her father many years after?
“Whenever there were tasks to fulfil in Traumstadt, I resided in my cottage outside town. I was known as the local priest and nobody except Vivian’s staff knew about my existence past the borders. Due to my position I was acquainted with most inhabitants of the artificial town, including your mother and father.
Is it alright for me to continue?”
Mairin weakly nodded and took a sip of milk.
“Unfortunately I can’t tell you a lot about them since I mostly knew them from their attendance in church.”
And that was the end of the part of the story that was easy to tell. Now was his last chance to duck out of his confession. Adrijan discovered Mairin’s hand resting on the table, took a deep breath and gently put his hand on hers. He noticed how cold it was and was relieved that Mairin didn’t attempt to withdraw it.
“I got to know your father better when he started seeking me out for advice. First in the confessional, later in my cottag
e. He told me about the death of his wife who he had loved so dearly, the children who she had left behind and his heavy drinking that resulted from his sorrow. Not once did he forgive himself for what he had done to you and your siblings and when I noticed that he was caught in a spiral of pain and regret I decided to visit him regularly. I had been busy with selecting a bride for Vivian but when I had finally made my choice, I focused on your father.
One day he confessed to me that he wished to die but that he lacked resolve. He wanted to rid the world of himself, since he couldn’t bear to hurt you anymore.”
Adrijan paused to take another deep breath. Mairin had been silently listening to his story but she had clenched the hand he was holding to a fist.
“I told him that I would help him. Together we tried to free him from his addiction and spent evenings talking about his sorrow. Determined like he was I really thought he would make it.”
“But he didn’t...” Mairin mumbled.
“Mhm... he lost control again. That time it was especially bad and seeing the result of his outburst I feared for the wellbeing of the children he asserted he loved more than anything – even more than his life.”
Adrijan wished she wouldn’t hate him for what he had done but of course he couldn’t ask that of her.
“I offered to help him in a different way. I offered him an easy way out, a painless way to die – not a quick one, but a guided one. I offered him to take care of his children when he was gone and told him that there was nothing else for him to worry about than going to where his loved one was waiting for him.”
“How?” She still hadn’t withdrawn her hand but her voice was croaky.
“He gave up his life energy, bit by bit... and I’m afraid he didn’t last as long as I had expected. Maybe part of what you assumed was true – he had lost his will to live and wasn’t in perfect health. Either way, it was me who took his life. I helped him die, I murdered him, I absorbed what was rightfully his.”
Mairin stared at him with her mouth slightly agape.
“The distant relative who came to aid you was sent by me. I had given her the task to make you participate in the gathering so I could keep my promise to your father. I couldn’t have supported you so I created the possibility for you to become Vivian’s bride. Instead of the girl I had previously chosen, I instated you.”
“Back then... I thought you hated me.”
“I’m sorry, Mairin. My first duty is to aid Vivian and I end up trying to combine it with... other things I want to achieve. Even so I’ve always disliked it – taking one’s life. I didn’t mean to hurt you... but by now you should know that I try to... keep my distance.”
Adrijan’s gaze fell on his own hand – a contradiction to what he had just said. Finally Mairin drew back her arm and got up. Her diaphanous gown swayed around her slender figure as if it were trying to warn him about the upcoming storm.
“Do you take responsibility for every life you take? For every girl you deliver to Vivian? For every drop of life liquid you extract from the poor souls?”
“They all live within me. I feel their energy flowing – even Magdala’s flame of life that should have extinguished long ago is still blazing in the deepest depth of my very being. The ones who came to me for salvation haunt me like the poor souls I witnessed being burnt at the stake. At night in my dreams I hear their screams just as well as the thankful words of the ones I supposedly freed from their pain. Blame me all you want – you have the right to. After all I have lured you into this cruel trap as well.”
The night had passed and when Adrijan’s trembling voice faded away, Mairin believed to know about the heavy burden that was resting on his shoulders. What kind of judgement could she bestow upon him? It was impossible just to overlook that he had taken her father’s life yet she was well aware that love had been the smallest part of the feelings she had carried for the man who had forsaken her and her siblings. There was no anger to quell, no hate, no thirst for revenge, no feelings of betrayal… Adrijan had finally revealed everything to her and all she was able to sense was a deep sadness and the longing for comfort. Yet there he sat, slouching his shoulders like a boy who had confessed that he had stolen a chocolate bar and was awaiting his punishment.
“Adrijan...”
Mairin walked to his side and gently drew his head to her chest. Caressing his blood-red hair she tried to find the right words.
“It seems to me that you neither made your decisions carelessly nor that you trifled with anyone’s life.”
Mairin paused. Her mind was filled with complicated thoughts.
“That Father didn’t hate us... it’s difficult to believe…”
“He- “
“Ah, Father Adrijan there you a-“ With the verve only a person could possess who was an early riser, Hilda rushed into the kitchen. Upon discovering the two of them she fell silent mid-sentence.
Mairin felt caught and hastily stepped away from Adrijan. He however slowly rose from the chair and put one hand on her shoulder. It had to look like a fatherly gesture to Hilda but to her it was unexpected and feeling the warmth and weight of Adrijan’s hand reassured her.
“Good morning, Hilda.”
“Go-good morning, Father Adrijan. I’ve come to ask for instructions concerning a stray kitten we’ve discovered in the stables. Lucas has been observing it and it seems that it has been abandoned by its mother.”
“Where is it now?”
“Corinne, bring in the little one and show it to Father Adrijan.”
The maid entered the room like Hilda had instructed her, diffidently carried the small kitten to Adrijan and held it towards him like an inanimate object. He was obviously worried that she might drop it and swiftly took it from her.
“You can go now, Corinne,” Hilda said, hinting that it was time for her to remove herself. Upon hearing her words the young girl blushed and stopped making sheep’s eyes at Adrijan. Hilda impatiently cleared her throat, causing Corinne to flinch and eventually she clumsily curtsied and left.
Despite her mood, Mairin had to suppress a grin as she observed how her personal maid slightly shook her head at this sight.
“I apologise, Father.”
The irritated frown on Adrijan’s face only vanished when the newly discovered feline treasure slipped out of the cave he had built with his hands and started to climb towards his shoulders by sticking its tiny claws into his garment.
Hilda hurried to his side to free him of the tiny monster but Adrijan just smiled and indicated her to leave it be.
“I wouldn’t have asked her to take the kitten but-“ a series of sneezing explained her reason just as well as her words would have.
“You are allergic,” Adrijan noted and took a few steps back out of consideration.
“Yes, Fa-ha-ha-“ Hilda tried to answer and was interrupted by another sneeze attack.
“I think you should save yourself and leave, Hilda. Please tell Alfred to come here. In the meantime I’ll decide what to do.”
Hilda curtsied gratefully and left without wasting any time.
Adrijan feigned a sigh and turned towards Mairin smiling warmly. He regretted having been interrupted by Hilda.
“I take it you don’t hate me then.”
The girl nodded, then shook her head. It was nice to see that he wasn’t the only one who wasn’t able to stay calm after what had happened.
“Just to clarify – you were trying to say ‘I hate you’, correct?” It was a weak attempt to tease her.
Mairin blushed and vehemently shook her head giving him the impression that she wished the ground would open up and swallow her. She seemed so embarrassed and innocent that he was wondering how she had managed to find the courage to do what she had done. It had to have been on the spur of the moment.
“I’m sorry,” she finally said. “I shouldn’t have imposed myself on you.”
This time it was he who shook his head. It hadn’t been his intention to make her feel bad for her action
s – on the contrary. He felt so relieved that for the time being he wasn’t even plagued by the usual fatigue. Adrijan wasn’t deluded enough to believe that everything was alright now just because she had decided to take pity on him, but Mairin was still here, and that was more than what he had hoped for.
“You made me wish I had another, better past to share with you – for an equal reward of course.”
His thoughts had escaped his mouth before realising that his words wouldn’t make the mood any less awkward for her and he decided that it was best to quickly change the topic.
“Do you want to hold it?” Adrijan pointed at the kitten with the hand he wasn’t using as a safety net for the little acrobat.
“Can I?”
Instead of a reply he carefully unhooked the tiny paws until the kitten was completely freed and gently put it into Mairin’s hands. He couldn’t help but feel a little jealous about how taken in Mairin was by the small creature.
Except for a minor white area underneath its chin it was completely black. The kitten was a survivor, a product of the times when cats that were black from head to tail tip had been hunted just like witches and only the ones whose fur had partly been of a different colour had been spared.
“Will you take care of it for me while I’m gone?”
“Oh, I want to – but I don’t know a lot about cats. What if I did something wrong?”
“Don’t worry. I will ask Alfred to assist you, since Hilda won’t be much help.”
“Then I will!” Mairin assured him energetically. “Shall we name it?”
“Well... that might be difficult, not knowing whether it’s a girl or a boy.”
“May I assist you, Sir?” Alfred had entered the kitchen without him noticing.
“Don’t sneak up on us like that, Alfred!” Adrijan exclaimed truly startled.
“I’m sorry, Sir. Shall I leave and re-enter?”
Adrijan frowned. “That’s hardly necessary.” As much as he liked the old man he was sometimes confused by his overly proper behaviour.
“Could you assist Miss Muriel with the upbringing of this little fellow?”
