“Good.” She smiled at me as she dried off her hands and then made her way over to me.
I tried to relax as she did my physical first. She didn’t try to make small talk as her hands moved over me, and I was thankful for that. Nothing was more awkward than your legs being spread wide open and a doctor asking how your day’s going while she’s probing your vagina with her fingers. I wasn’t sure I could handle talking about anything at this point.
“Everything looks good,” she announced, and the snap of rubber followed as she pulled off the gloves she wore.
She swiveled her stool toward the trash and threw them away. Standing, she pulled a small machine toward us and pushed a button, lighting the small screen up.
“What’s that?” I questioned, pushing myself up with my elbows bent on the table.
I knew I hadn’t decided anything yet, so the fear of what she was about to do made me alert, my heart knocking against my chest.
“No need to worry, Meela. We’re just going to take a look, and according to the date of possible conception, we should be able to see without having to do a vaginal ultrasound.”
Good, because I didn’t even want to ask what a vaginal ultrasound entailed. I let myself relax enough to lie back down and watched as she turned off the lights and grabbed a bottle from the tray.
“I’m just going to warm this jelly up, and then we’ll get started. I’m just going to lift this …”
She moved my shirt up to my bra, baring my stomach and letting the warm jelly-like substance she’d just mentioned pour into a glob just below my belly button. Tucking a couple of napkins she pulled from the dispenser, she tucked them alone the paper cover across my lap. She pressed some kind of wand into the center of the goop and began to spread it out.
“Okay let’s see what’s going on in there.” She smiled down at me, and my lips thinned in my attempt to return it. She made it sound like something had invaded my body, and that was exactly how it felt.
Her eyes turned to the screen, and a swooshing noise filled the room. I wasn’t brave enough to look at the screen with her, so I stared at the ceiling instead.
Never in a million years would I have ever thought I’d find myself in this position. Four months ago, I had everything I ever wanted, and with one bottle, with one stupid dare that led to one drunken night, I managed to turn my whole world upside down.
Dr. Harris had been busy clicking and moving the wand over my stomach when I heard the small sound of a loud and fast thud become clearer and then echo throughout the room. I turned my head toward the machine and then at her, and my heart was racing suddenly.
“What is that? Is something wrong?”
She kept the wand pressed firmly in place against my stomach and turned her head toward me with an excited smile.
“Everything is perfect, Meela. And that beautiful, healthy sound is your baby.”
I swallowed hard and shifted to look at the screen. I didn’t understand at all what I was looking at. The distorted image was only black and white patches covering the screen. But then, in the center of all the chaos and madness, I could see the little flicker as it matched the calming sound within the room.
“Is that her heart?”
She laughed and moved the wand in a strategic pattern and a little peanut shape formed around the flicker.
“Yes, that’s your baby’s heart. Although it’s a little too early to know the sex. Do you want a girl?”
“A girl?”
“You said her heart.”
I didn’t even remember putting a distinction on the heart, but it must have been a subconscious thing because before today, I never thought I wanted either.
“I don’t know. I ...”
I watched the screen and the tiny flicker that was the baby’s heart, all while trying to wrap my head around the insanity that my body was currently creating this tiny little person.
“Is everything okay? The baby is okay?” I asked, not being able to take my eyes off the screen now.
“Yep.”
She removed the wand, and the sound disappeared. The urge to protest was on the tip of my tongue, but I ignored it. Kristine pulled another handful of paper towels free and cleaned away the jelly from my belly. She gave me two more paper towels to make sure I got it all and then hit the light switch.
I blinked, adjusting to the light, then sat up and pulled my shirt down, discarding the thin paper lining covering my lap.
“Your baby is growing right on schedule. It looks like you’re right around twelve weeks and almost out of the first trimester.”
I didn’t know if it was the weight of everything becoming real now or that I saw the undeniable proof that I was pregnant with my own eyes, but my stomach flipped, making me feel queasy. “Will I feel this sick much longer?”
“If you’re lucky, it will only last a few more weeks.”
“Two more weeks and that’s if I’m lucky? What happens if I’m unlucky?”
“It’ll last longer or, in some cases, your entire pregnancy.”
“Well, now I know why two more weeks makes me lucky.”
“You’re going to be okay, Meela. No matter what you decide, you’re going to be okay.”
“How long do I have to decide if I want to …?”
“Well, you’re twelve weeks, and I don’t know a clinic around here that will perform an abortion this far, but I do know a few in Georgia that will if that’s what you decide. However, I strongly recommend not waiting that long. You can get dressed now.”
I nodded. “Okay. Thank you for everything, Dr. Harris. I don’t know how I would’ve been able to get through this appointment without you.”
“These are for you,” she said, handing me a stack of glossy papers. “I’m glad I was able to be here, but I have a feeling you would have been just fine.”
And because I already knew what my decision would be, I really hoped she was right.
L U S T
“Are your boobs sore?”
I stopped brushing my teeth and found her reflection in the mirror. She was too busy examining her chest to notice the horrified expression I was giving her. I released the handle of my toothbrush and gripped the edge of the sink. It was my fifth time brushing my teeth today after emptying my dinner just moments ago, and I realized if nothing else good came out of my situation, at least I would have exceptional hygiene.
“What?” I asked around the toothbrush I’d pushed in the swell of my cheek. Toothpaste had foamed at the corner of my lips, making me look a little rabid. That seemed fitting since that was exactly how I felt.
“When I found out I was pregnant, my boobs were really sore. My nipples were always itchy, and now they’re starting to leak—”
“Ahhh!” I yelled, covering my ears and belting anything just to stop her from talking. “La, la, la, la …”
My toothbrush fell from my mouth, landing in the sink with a soft clink. I still had the water running, and I focused on the sound as I tried to avoid the images flashing through my mind while squeezing my eyes tightly shut. I could feel the toothpaste foam running down my chin, but I refused to move my hands in fear of what else might come spewing from Carrie’s lips.
Carrie pulled my wrist closer to her until I finally opened my eyes. She had turned so she was facing me now.
“Are you finished?”
I sighed, rinsed off my toothbrush, and then turned off the water before facing her. My shoulders were slouched, and I could already feel my nausea returning.
“Can you warn a girl before you just bring up stuff like sore and leaking … nipples? It’s a good thing I had just emptied my dinner a few moments ago.”
“Stop being a prude, Meela. These are things you’re going to have to face. Your body is going to change a lot over the next nine months.”
She put her hands on her hips, drawing my attention to where her shirt stretched tight over her small bump. She was only a few months along, maybe six months. I hadn’t been keeping track,
but I didn’t think it was possible to be showing already. At this rate, she would be huge when she actually had the baby.
Swallowing hard, I glanced at my sideways profile in the bathroom mirror and tried to imagine what I would look like in a couple of months if I decided to keep ... I cringed at that thought and looked away from my reflection. I caught Carrie’s stare in the mirror. Heat as hot as any flame burned under the skin of my cheeks as I read the expression on Carrie’s face.
Understanding stung her eyes, and they shined with liquid sadness. I knew she didn’t mean to, but her hand covered her stomach as if she was trying to soothe the tiny being inside her. She was already protective, and right now, she was trying to protect him or her against the thoughts she knew I was having. She managed a small smile, and I knew, despite what I was thinking, she wasn’t judging me.
“You’re my best friend, Meela,” she said, finally breaking the thick silence in the small bathroom. “I’d do anything for you; you know that. I know this wasn’t the life you planned, and I’ll still be by your side no matter what you decide.”
She turned away from my reflection in the mirror and faced me, taking my hand in hers and tugging me toward her. I didn’t bother to resist and let her pull me into a hug. I needed her comfort and understanding and maybe even her guilt.
When she pulled back, she was looking up at me for answers to the questions she was hesitant to ask. She wanted to know who the father was, if I would tell him, and what I was going to do if I did. I had no answers to her last two questions because I honestly had no idea what the hell I was going to do.
“It’s Reed.” I expected a hundred different reactions from her when I finally told her who the father was. Confirmation was not one of them. “You knew?”
She shrugged. “I didn’t know for sure, but I suspected. I knew it wasn’t Kevin.”
“Why didn’t you say anything? You haven’t even mentioned him.”
“I knew you were still processing everything, Mees. I knew how you felt about Reed, but I always thought maybe there was something more.”
“No.” I shook my head firmly. “That night was the result of way too many shots and my own self-pity party. You know I haven’t been with anyone in that way.”
“Yes, and I also know you weren’t saving it to lose in one reckless, drunken night. It means something that you gave Reed a part of you that no one else was worthy of.”
I wanted to tell her that was true because it was, but so was the second part. Would I have gone home with just anyone that night? No.
Eighteen
Meela
My heart started to pound entirely too loud as I stared at his back. His muscles shifted, pulling and stretching his shirt with each movement of his arms. I couldn’t quite tell what he was doing, but his head was bent forward, and it almost sounded like he was muttering to himself. Or maybe he was singing? I was almost positive that what was what he was doing and I found myself frozen there, hypnotized by whatever tune he was humming.
I should have slowly backed away and got the hell out of here, but I couldn’t move. He hadn’t yet become aware of the fact I was standing behind him, intruding on whatever had him lost in his moment. I hadn’t heard or seen him in months, and a part of me wanted to take in the sight of him.
Things had become so complicated since sleeping with Reed—not once, but twice. My feelings raged a war between revenge and resentment to lust and want. I wanted to forgive, but despite sleeping with him, I wasn’t sure I could actually trust him, and that made it hard to forgive and forget.
I opened my mouth to say his name, but nothing came out. A part of me was afraid to see those green eyes that had haunted me the past few weeks in an entirely different reason than they had a year ago. Again, I opened my mouth, and again, I couldn’t find the words, but then it didn’t matter because he was turning around.
“Oh, hey, honey,” he said, and a smile pulled the corner of his lips. It warmed my insides, turning them to mush. “I didn’t hear you come in,” he was whispering now. “I just got her down to sleep.”
He nodded toward the bundled sleeping baby in his arms, and my heart literally stopped. I held my breath as he walked toward me, never taking his eyes off the baby in his arms. I swallowed hard.
Our baby.
He stopped in front of me, and I looked up to find his eyes, nearly drowning in the emerald depths. The gold flecks hypnotized me, and when he leaned over to plant a warm kiss on my forehead, my eyes closed from the pressure of the contact. I let out the breath I’d been holding and waited to see what he would do next.
“How was work?” he asked quietly. This time, my gaze found the baby’s, and I couldn’t have torn my attention away if I tried.
“She’s gorgeous, isn’t she?” Reed asked, and I almost felt a pinch of jealousy at the admiration in his voice.
She was the most beautiful baby girl I’d ever seen in my entire life. Her dark hair matched Reed’s, but her light skin was all me.
“She’s perfect,” I whispered.
“She takes after her mother,” Reed said, and my eyes shifted to his.
He leaned over again, and this time, his lips found mine, and the kiss was damn near earth shattering. I felt the walls I’d built after my first encounter with Reed slowly start to shake and crumble. The structure, which had pretty much been impenetrable, was now wavering under the intense way Reed was looking at me know.
“Thank you,” he said.
“For what?”
“For giving me the stars, the moon, and the sun, Meela. This little girl.” He looked down at her and the love he was projecting on her made my knees week. “She’s my world and you ...” I was afraid to move, to breathe. I didn’t want to risk doing something to end this moment. “You’re everything else, Meela. You’re the stars, the moon, the sun.”
“Reed,” I whispered, but I didn’t know what I wanted to say, and I felt angry with myself.
“I love you, Meela Davis.”
I shot up in my bed, my fingers tangling in the blankets at my side in an iron fist grip. My heart hammered against my chest painfully, and I couldn’t catch my breath. I drank in gulps of air until I no longer struggled with the task.
I bit my lip, and my head fell back. My eyes closed, squeezing tight until the single tear slipped down into my hairline.
“What the fuck was that, Meela?” I whispered to myself in the dark.
I couldn’t stop seeing Reed’s face or hearing his words as he professed his feelings.
“It was a dream, Meela. Only a dream,” I repeated out loud to myself. It had felt so damn real, though.
From the moonlight streaming in through my window, I knew it must be pretty early still. Leaning over, I pressed a button on my phone, and the dark space lit up, revealing the time. The clock read 4:00 a.m. How the hell was I supposed to go back to sleep now?
Lying back, I stared up at the shadows on my ceiling casted by the moonlight, and without even realizing I was doing it, my hand moved to cover the lower part of my stomach.
I’d been so sure I knew what I was going to do with the baby. Giving it up for adoption scared the hell out of me, but the thought of keeping the baby scared me even more. I had convinced myself I wasn’t going to be a good mother to this baby, and this baby deserved a mother who had her shit together and a father she could trust. She or he needed to be surrounded by love and everything that entailed.
I knew Reed and I couldn’t give the baby the second part, but for the first time since I’d found out I was pregnant, I started to think I could be exactly what my baby needed.
Looking down, I covered my stomach with both hands, and the decision I had been struggling with since leaving the doctor’s office suddenly felt like the easiest decision I’d ever make in my lifetime.
L U S T
“Is this your first?”
It took me a second to realize the woman next to me was talking to me. I blinked, turning toward her, and gave her my bes
t polite smile.
“Yeah.”
Her smile grew. “How exciting. How far along are you?” She turned toward me, and I realized this wasn’t going to be a simple question and answer.
“Almost sixteen week,” I told her and I was surprised at how fast the last few weeks had gone by since I’d found out. “You?” I asked, hoping I didn’t just offend her.
“Ten weeks.” She smiled, covering her stomach, which was still flat. “I’m Marie, by the way.” She held out her hand in my direction.
“Meela?”
The nurse called my name, holding my file and standing in the doorway.
“Oh, that’s me. I’m Meela.” I shook her hand before gathering my stuff in my arms. “I’m so sorry, but it was nice to meet you.”
“You too! I’m sure we’ll see each other again.”
I nodded and made my way over to the nurse. After taking my vitals, my weight, and drawing blood, she showed me to my room, and I waited for Dr. Harris to come. When the door open, she greeted me with a smile and bearing gifts.
“This it for you,” she said, handing me a square piece of glossy paper. “I forgot to give it to you the last time you were here.” I held it between my fingers and tried not to crinkle it with my death grip.
My thumb moved over the image as I traced the fuzzy lines that made up the baby currently snuggled deep inside me. I smiled, knowing deep down I was making the right choice.
“I’m so glad you decided to keep the baby, Meela,” Dr. Harris said.
I looked up at her, and she gave me an apologetic smile, sorry for disturbing the moment I was having with the first picture of my baby. After two weeks of repeating my baby, it still felt weird thinking it, much less saying it out loud.
“Me too.” I smiled.
“Have you told your mother and sister yet?”
A look of guilt clung to my face, “No, not yet. I will. I’m just not sure how.”
“Won’t they be happy for you?”
Lust Page 14
