by Molly McLain
“How have we never...” He covered his face with his hands and groaned. “Shit, we haven’t, have we?”
“Nope.” And now that they were, she was scared to death. Any serious relationship with him would come with compromise, but what if the things he’d want her to bend on weren’t just about his job and his military service? What if he didn’t want a commitment at all?
“I’ve been a total prick the last few weeks, Ally.” He reached across the table and took her hand. Stroked his thumb over her knuckles. “It felt like something in you changed. You became...quiet, I guess. I figured you needed breathing room.”
Quiet? Her? “I didn’t become quiet. I...” Oh, this was hard. “You’re a busy man. Sometimes it’s hard for me to know when you genuinely want me around or when I’m just in the way.”
“You’ve never been in the way. I asked you to move in with me, for God’s sake.”
“Because I’d complained about no privacy at my parents, and because you were worried about who’d keep an eye on Bo when you went out of town that week for Guard training.”
He frowned and shook his head. “So maybe the timing was bad. But I asked you because I wanted you there, not because it was convenient for us.”
She wanted to believe him, and part of her did. But he’d left her hanging for weeks. He’d gone on with his life, like it didn’t matter at all that she wasn’t it in. That didn’t exactly make a girl feel like she was anything special.
“I want you in my life.” His fingers threaded through hers. Squeezed. “The question is, do you still want to be in mine?”
Yes danced on the tip of her tongue, because at the root of it all, it was the truth. The simple version, anyhow. And he already knew she wanted him physically. But if they were going to forge ahead with something ‘more than friends’, he needed to know everything. How terrified she was, both of compromising and losing him entirely.
“It shouldn’t take you that long to answer,” he said quietly, his hand going limp in hers before he pulled it away and sat back in the booth. He bounced his balled up straw wrapper against the table repeatedly, his aim becoming more aggressive with every drop.
“I want to be in your life. These past few weeks have been miserable.” A bubble of emotion rose in her throat and she sipped her tea to buy a moment of reprieve. “I’m just scared.”
“Of what?” he challenged, an eyebrow lifted.
“That our relationship won’t be as important to you as it is to me.”
***
She had no friggin’ idea how he felt. None. At all.
He bit his tongue when their food came a moment later, and they ate in near silence, sharing their meals with a level of comfort that was so natural, it amazed him. How could she think their relationship wasn’t important to him? There was a depth to their friendship he’d never had with anyone else. A depth he didn’t want with anyone else.
When shit went bad at work, she was the one he wanted to talk it out with. Sometimes they didn’t even have to talk, because just being with her was enough. Her smile, her touch, her big friggin’ heart...
He saw a future with Ally. Hell, he couldn’t see his future without her.
He’d just never gotten around to telling her that.
“Babe,” he said, taking her hand again when they’d finished eating and the waitress had cleared their plates. “Our relationship is important to me, but I don’t want us to keep doing what we’ve been doing. I want today to be the start of something new. Something solid.”
Her pretty hazel eyes widened slightly. “As in...”
“In my head, you’ve been my girlfriend for the past year. You’d make me the happiest guy around if you’d consider taking on that role in your head, too.” Lifting her hand, he grazed his lips across her knuckles. “But I gotta admit—it’s been a long time since I’ve been someone’s boyfriend. You’ve probably already figured that out.”
A small smile lifted her lips and he wondered if she’d let him kiss her later. “I suspected, yes.”
And once upon a time, several months ago, they’d lain in bed, drawing designs on each other’s bare skin and talking about how horrible they’d been with previous relationships. Him more so than her, because his law enforcement career paired with his National Guard responsibilities left little time for a personal life.
“You know my job is important to me,” he said. “I took an oath.” With Ally, he thought he’d finally met a woman who got that.
She took a deep breath and nodded. “I know. You’re an amazing cop. The best sheriff this county’s had in a long time. And for a while I thought I was okay with having what’s left of you at the end of the day. Or, for us, the week.”
But something had changed. Thanks to all that damn space he’d given her.
“In theory, you want a relationship,” she continued on. “More than just weekends together. I do, too. But I feel like you’re trying to play the role of a good boyfriend, instead of really investing in it.” Being part of a couple isn’t your number one priority.”
“I’m invested, Ally. Don’t ever doubt that.”
“But being part of a couple isn’t your number one priority.”
He couldn’t argue with that. “I thought you were okay with that.”
“I thought I was, too. Then you pulled away and I got to experience firsthand what it would feel like if, someday, you decided our relationship was even less important to you than it is now. Frankly, it sucked.”
He didn’t like this picture she was painting of him, because the more she talked, the more selfish he looked. But he understood her concern, too. He’d screwed up by backing off and, to her it probably looked like he didn’t care about anyone but himself. In truth, it was a chicken-shit move born from the fear of losing her altogether. How fucking messed up was that logic?
But she was here now, letting him hold her hand. That was something.
“Give me another shot, Ally. Let me prove you wrong.”
She wet her lips and slowly met his eyes. Eyes he hoped were showing her things he wasn’t brave enough to say just yet. Things like he needed her. And he had no idea how he’d live in the same town as her if she chose to walk away from him.
“Let’s get out of here,” she said, smiling. “Let’s spend the rest of the day together and not think about any of this.”
Hell yes. “What do you want to do?”
“I just want to be us again.”
He turned her hand over and kissed the inside of her wrist, right where her pulse fluttered. “You have no idea how much I want that, too.”
***
Mark took her to a Will Ferrell matinee that had them both in tears, holding their stomachs. Then he drove them back to River Bend and, instead of taking her to her apartment or to his house closer to the edge of town, he turned off toward the river.
The sun had just start to set and the day was still unusually warm for early November. When he helped her out of his truck, took her hand, and led her down to the water, she didn’t hesitate. Today had been wonderful and watching the sunset with her man would be the perfect ending.
He wrapped his arms around her shoulders from behind and pressed a kiss to her temple, rocking them slightly from side to side. “Who would’ve thought it’d be almost seventy degrees this time of year, eh?”
“Mmm. I wish we had a blanket to sit down and snuggle on,” she said softly, before stifling a yawn.
“You tired?”
“Yes, but I’m not ready to go home.” And I’m not in any hurry for you to let me go.
“Me too.” Another kiss, this one on her jaw. At the tender, soothing touch of his lips, she closed her eyes and leaned back against his chest, letting him bear some of her weight, physical and emotional.
She trusted Mark, but was she only setting herself up for a harder fall by letting him back in again? It was one thing to be gun-shy with a man because of a past relationship gone bad, but what about when the man who hurt you was
the one making you uneasy all over again?
“What are you thinking about?” he asked, his mouth warm and damp just behind her ear.
“How protected and terrified you make me feel. At the same time.”
“Hmm.” His nose nuzzled down along the curve of her neck and she shivered. “The protected part is good, because you are safe with me, pretty girl. In every way.”
She wanted to believe that. So badly. “I don’t know about that. You could break a girl’s heart in the blink of an eye. That’s the terrifying part.”
A low rumble vibrated against her back and his voice was husky in her ear. “Any girl? Or you?”
Said heart sped up in her chest and an uneasy flutter of butterflies stirred in her stomach. Today’s conversation about taking their relationship to another level was good progress, but was it too early in this new journey to discuss the depth of her feelings? Specifically how much her heart was already involved?
Mark’s cell phone went off at his hip and she held her breath. More often than not, the calls weren’t anything important, but...
He kissed her neck again. “Hold this thought...” Then he stepped away and answered. From the sounds of it, there’d been a domestic dispute in the next town over. Nothing the deputies couldn’t handle on their own. Still, he turned back to her, clicking off the call. “I hate to do this considering all we’ve talked about today, but I need to go, babe. I’m sorry.”
“But it’s just an argument.”
“I know the address well. That’s why Rob called me. It’s best if I help out with this one.”
Oh. She nodded, because it was all she could do. “I understand.”
“You’re mad.”
I’m hurt. And in love with a man who doesn’t see that. “Just take me home.” She started toward the truck, but he reached out and snagged her arm.
“Ally, wait...”
She wrenched herself free and kept moving. If they weren’t in the middle of the woods, she would’ve bypassed the ride and walked home. Instead, she climbed inside and fisted her hands against her thighs. Do not cry.
Outside, Mark pinched the bridge of his nose, bit off a not so quiet, “Fuuck!”, then got in too.
She expected him to apologize. Maybe even tell her he wouldn’t go. But he said nothing. Not a single word until he pulled into her parking lot and put the truck in park, the engine still running.
“This is my job, Ally. It’s part of who I am. I can’t change that,” he said evenly. Like he’d selected the words carefully, but had so much more on his mind.
She turned to him and met his gaze head on, a determination that surprised even her keeping her back straight and her chin high. “And this is my heart. It’s part of who I am, too.”
Without another word, she slid out of the truck and closed the door resolutely behind her. He’d made his decision and so had she.
Some of Mark Dunn would never be enough.
Chapter Six
Two weeks later...
“What’s up with you, girlie? An allergy thing?”
Leaning out the back door of Cedar Street Brew, Ally waved a hand in front of her face, welcoming the cool, mid-November air. Ever since a bout of food poisoning after having seafood with Mark, she’d battled a bug that would not go away.
“I don’t think so.” Her seasonal allergies usually didn’t make her nauseous or give her hot flashes. “Just not feeling quite right since that bad shrimp.”
Gladys hummed behind her. “Maybe you should see a doctor.”
“Nah, I’ll be fine.” Hopefully, because any doctor bills would have to come out of her pocket, thanks to her inconvenient lack of health insurance.
“Don’t worry about the bill, Red. Heck, I’ll even cover it for you, if that’s what it takes for you to go in and get checked out. This has been going on too long.”
No doubt the offer came from a concern about the germs following Ally around the coffee shop. No one else seemed to have caught whatever it was she had, though. By the third day of the illness, she’d almost called Mark to see if he was sick too, but her pride kept her from dialing. Turned out to be the right move, because not only had he not called or texted in the past two weeks, he’d started skipping some of his morning drop-ins for coffee, as well. She’d only seen him twice this week.
“You ever think maybe you’re just love sick?” Gladys came closer, leaning against the wall near the open door. Concern and compassion were etched across her normally cheery face.
“He’s barely come in, Glad.” Somehow that stung worse than his month of silence. Seeing him alive and well, but clearly choosing to once again put distance between them...that hurt.
“He loves you.” The older woman gave a sympathetic smile that was probably supposed to be reassuring. Instead, it made Ally want to curl into a ball and cry. “He just doesn’t have a clue how to tell you.”
“If that were true, wouldn’t he be breaking down my door? Fumbling a little maybe, but still trying to make this right? As far as I can tell, he’s doing the opposite—he’s avoiding me.” She shook her head. “I’ve gotta move on. Mark’s a good guy, but he’s not the one for me. At least I found out now, before I gave him any more of my time.” Or my heart.
Gladys reached out, wrapping a gentle hand around her arm. “Go home and get some rest, sweetie. Put him out of your mind for a while. I’ll get everything ready for tomorrow morning.”
“I was going to bake some pies to stock up the freezer before Thanksgiving next week,” Ally protested.
“And you can do that tomorrow, because we both know I can’t bake a homemade pumpkin pie to save my life.”
Ally laughed and then stilled when another wave of tummy flutters hit. “I should definitely go home.”
“Yes. And think about that doctor appointment, too. I’m not kidding about floating you the cash. Just let me know.”
She denied the loan offer, but took her boss up on the early off. Ten minutes later, she was headed home, daydreaming about a nap.
That’s when the blue lights flashed in her rear-view mirror.
She glanced down at her speedometer and cringed. “Shit.” A little too eager for the nap, apparently.
She pulled over to the side of the road, just outside of town, and willed her stomach to cooperate. At least her apartment was less than a block away, so when she was done sucking up to whichever of Cameron County’s finest was on duty this afternoon, she could get home quickly and put this day behind her.
Reaching for her purse and her registration, she paid no mind to the approaching officer until he knocked on the window.
And then she blanched.
She stared at Mark through the glass for a solid minute before she powered down the window. Even then, all she did was stare at him. What to say to the man who broke your heart and was seconds away from giving you a speeding ticket?
“What’s your hurry, pretty girl?” he asked, propping his hands on his hips. Hips that looked unfairly good in those low-slung cargo pants. Or maybe it was that big utility belt. Or the bulge of his— “Ally, my face is up here.”
“Uh, sorry.” How was it fair that he looked so good when she probably looked like death warmed over? Best to just get this over with. “So...how much over was I going?”
He made a wry sound. “You don’t know the speed limit through here? You drive it every day.”
Blink, blink.
“Fifty in a thirty,” he said, helping her out.
In a way, she was glad it was him who’d busted her, but what the heck was he doing out on patrol anyway? He only hit the streets to fill in and it was two o’clock in the afternoon. He should be on his way home for the day. Early in, early out.
“I’m going to need you step out of the car.”
She frowned and then shoved her license and registration out the window. “Here. Just take this. We both know I’m good, so just do what you have to do. I’m not feeling the greatest and would really like to get home.”
>
“I need you to get out of the car, Ally,” he said again, his voice unwavering.
She narrowed her eyes at him. “Are you even on duty?”
Dispatch chatter came across the radio on his shoulder, but he ignored it. “Out. Now.”
“Ugh, fine.” She threw open the door. Stubborn man. “You know this is unethical, don’t you? And your dash cam is recording all of it.”
A smug smile hitched up one side of his mouth, showcasing his white teeth against dark stubble. “You think I don’t know how to shut it off?”
“I hate you.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.” He stalked forward, crowding her against the side of her car, just like he had in her parents’ driveway that night three weeks ago.
“Don’t you dare kiss me,” she warned, even as she wet her lips in preparation.
He pushed a hand back into her hair and chuckled, all deep and sexy and like he hadn’t done his great disappearing act again. “You’re really gonna pretend you don’t want me to do just that?”
“I don’t. Not anymore.”
“You’re lying.”
“It’s called self-preservation.”
He pressed his body against hers, holding her in place from thigh to belly. The close proximity and his scent, clean and male, had that strange heat rushing beneath the surface of her skin again. Maybe she’d get nauseous too. That’d serve him right, the arrogant jerk.
But nope, no urge to vomit. Just a very ridiculous desire to wrap her arms around his thick, corded neck and pull him down for that kiss he’d taunted her with. Especially when he shifted and she felt the hard length of an erection against her stomach.
“Where have you been the past two weeks?” she demanded instead. Think about how he wronged you, not how good he feels.
“Trying to get you out of my head.” His grip in her hair tightened. “It didn’t work.”
“That’s a shame. Maybe you should’ve tried harder.”
“Maybe you should’ve followed the speed limit so I didn’t have to pull you over.” His breath wafted against her face and his nose brushed against hers. If she pushed up on her toes just a hair, her lips would touch his.
