by Lynne Shelby
‘So you’re planning on having a casual fling with this French guy?’ Alfie said.
‘I don’t do flings,’ Izzy said. ‘Alexandre may not think he wants a girlfriend, but I’m sure I can change his mind.’
‘Just be careful you don’t get hurt,’ Alfie said.
‘Alfie! I didn’t know you cared,’ Izzy said.
Oliver put his head around the partition which separated his and Natalie’s office from the rest of us.
‘Morning all,’ he said. ‘Anna, could you come in here, please. We need to go over the brief for the hotel brochure.’
‘Be right with you,’ I said.
Oliver ducked back into the inner sanctum.
‘See you guys at lunch.’ Izzy slid off my desk, and went to her own work station.
‘I do care,’ Alfie said. ‘I care about Izzy a great deal.’
‘Friends should care about each other.’
‘I don’t want to be her friend.’ Alfie leant forward over my desk, and lowered his voice, so that only I could hear him over the buzz of conversation and the ringing of phones. ‘I was planning to ask her out. I was just waiting for the right moment.’
I gaped at him. ‘Alfie … I didn’t know …’
‘Well, I was. And you are so not going to tell her that.’
‘I won’t,’ I said. ‘Not if you don’t want me to,’
‘Because it really doesn’t matter how I feel about her. Not now she’s fallen for your Frenchman.’
I started to protest that Alexandre was not my Frenchman, but Alfie put his earphones in his ears and stomped away to his desk, next to Izzy’s, on the other side of the office.
I stared after him. Unlike Alex, whose emotional outpourings in his letters left very little to the imagination, Alfie had never regaled me with tales about his love life. I’d never once suspected that he had feelings for Izzy.
I spent the rest of the week cringing each time Izzy mentioned Alex in front of Alfie. Which seemed to be every time the three of us happened to be together, whether it was in the lunchroom, in the pub after work, or when I was giving them the brief for a new account. In Nova Graphic’s daily staff meetings, I noticed that Alfie sat as far away from her as possible (which made me realise that in the past he’d always sat next to her). He’d also taken to staring at her from behind his computer screen, while looking thoroughly miserable. She spent an inordinate amount of time googling les photographies d’Alexandre Tourville and drifting round the office with a vacant smile on her face.
‘It’s unbearable,’ I said to Beth, when I telephoned her on Saturday morning. ‘It’s like working with two hormonal adolescents. I’ve told Izzy that Alex isn’t going to call her – he didn’t want her phone number when I offered it to him – but she won’t listen.’
‘Who’d have guessed that weedy Alexandre would grow up hot,’ Beth said. ‘And cause such havoc.’
‘Not me,’ I said, and added, ‘He really is stupidly good-looking. His body is incredible.’
‘Anna Mitchel! How exactly are you in a position to know anything about Alex’s body?’
‘He has this habit of wandering around my flat without his shirt.’
‘You fancy him, don’t you? Admit it.’
‘No, I don’t. I do find him attractive, but only in a purely objective way. You’ll have to meet him, Beth, and see for yourself. Maybe you and Rob could come round to my place for supper one night next week?’
‘I’d like that,’ Beth said, ‘but it’s always so difficult to find a babysitter. If only my parents hadn’t moved so far away from London …’
‘Forget babysitters – bring Jonah and Molly with you.’
‘No, Molly’s actually been sleeping through the night the past couple of weeks, and I don’t want to upset her routine. Why don’t you and Alex – and Nick – come to us?’
‘Great. I’ll talk to Alex, and find out when he’s free. Nick’s away at a conference next week, so it’ll be just the two of us.’
Beth sighed. ‘I do miss the days when I could leave the house without having to plan every outing like it was a polar expedition.’
‘Babies do seem to need an awful lot of stuff when they travel.’
‘You have no idea, Anna – Oh, Molly’s awake.’
Beth’s phone wasn’t on speaker, but I could still hear Molly’s wails.
‘I’ll have to go,’ Beth said.
‘Yes, of course –’
‘Let me know which night you and Alex want to come round.’ She ended the call.
Beth and I’d been sharing a flat for almost two years when she’d met Rob at a party. Six months later, he’d asked her to marry him. And now they had two-year-old Jonah and seven-month-old Molly. My best friend, the girl who used to spend every weekend in clubs and wine bars, and her summer holidays at beach parties in Ibiza, was a mother. She had a husband, and children, and a life of domestic bliss. And I didn’t get to see her nearly as often as I’d like.
I went and knocked on Alex’s bedroom door, and he called out for me to come in. He was sitting on his bed, his laptop balanced on his knees. And once again, as he wasn’t wearing a shirt, I was confronted with his naked torso.
I would not stare at my male friend’s body. It would be inappropriate, disrespectful, and just plain wrong.
Keeping my gaze firmly on Alex’s face, I said, ‘Are you working?’
He shook his head. ‘I’m looking at flats to rent. I’ve arranged to go and view one this afternoon. If it’s any good, I’ll be out of your way early next week.’
‘You’re not in my way.’ It had been good to arrive home, on the nights I wasn’t seeing Nick, and find Alex there, eager to tell me about that day’s shoot (his new job seemed to be going really well), and to hear about my own working day. ‘I like having you around.’
‘You’re not such bad company yourself.’
It was then that a bit of a thought struck me.
I said, ‘Alex, do you particularly want to get your own place while you’re in England?’
‘I’m not desperate to get away from you, if that’s what you’re asking.’
‘Good. Because there’s no reason for you to move out of my flat, if you’re happy to carry on living here with me.’
Alex closed his laptop and regarded me thoughtfully. ‘I would like that, Anna. But … are you sure you want me as a flatmate?’
‘Yes, I am. Unless you turn out to have one of those habits that drives flat-sharers insane, like using up the last of the milk or borrowing shoes without asking.’
‘I promise that I’ll always ask before I borrow your high heels.’
‘That’s OK, then.’
‘I’ll pay rent, of course. That’s only fair.’
‘Well, all right. I’ll check what the going rate is for a rented room in this area, and we can sort something out.’
‘And if you change your mind about my staying here, you must tell me.’
‘It’s a deal.’
We smiled at each other.
I said, ‘I mentioned to my friend Beth that you were in London, and she’s invited you and me over for dinner one day next week. When – if – you’re free.’
‘That’s kind of her. I won’t know my schedule ’til Monday, but I’d like to meet Beth again. You wrote that she has a child now, I think.’
‘She has two, a boy and a girl.’ I added, ‘Nick won’t be able to come with us, unfortunately. He’s away the whole of next week.’
‘Your boyfriend is leaving you all alone?’
‘It’s only a few days. I’m sure I’ll survive.’ I sat down on Alex’s bed. ‘Nick and I aren’t the sort of couple who need to be together 24/7.’
‘How often do you see each other?’
‘Oh, I don’t know … Two or three times a week, maybe.’
‘Wouldn’t you like to see him more often?’
‘I’ve never really thought about it.’
‘Have you talked about living together?
’
‘No.’
‘Why not? Most couples in their late twenties who’ve been dating more than a year have that conversation, and end up moving in together.’
‘I don’t think that’s true. I’ve loads of friends who live on their own or flat-share.’
‘Perhaps it’s different in England. Most of my Parisian friends in their late twenties are living with a partner.’
‘Nick and I are happy enough as we are.’
Alex said, ‘Do you love him, Anna?’
Did I love Nick? My heart didn’t beat faster when he came into a room, I didn’t feel the need to wake up next to him every morning, but I couldn’t imagine not being with him. Our relationship was serious.
I said, ‘Yes, I do.’
‘You’ve never written that you love him in your letters to me.’
‘I’m sure I have.’
‘No, I’d remember,’ Alex said. ‘Does he love you?’
‘Yes …’ Not that he’d told me lately, but then he’d never been one for romantic declarations of undying love, not even in the early days of our relationship. ‘But that doesn’t mean that we’re ready to move in together.’
It occurred to me that the only time I told Nick I loved him was when we were having sex, so I could hardly complain if he wasn’t very forthcoming about his feelings for me.
Alex said, ‘I was going to ask Cécile to move in with me.’
‘You never wrote that in any of your letters.’
‘I did, actually, but I tore the letter up. It felt disloyal to tell you about my plans before I’d said anything to her. Which is ironic, considering that she’d been cheating on me for weeks.’
To my consternation, pain flickered over Alex’s face. He hung his head and put his hand over his eyes.
‘I loved her so much,’ he said. ‘She was my life.’
Other than telling me that he’d broken up with her, and wasn’t interested in getting involved with anyone else, Alex hadn’t mentioned Cécile. She’d hurt him, I knew that, but he’d said that he was doing better, and for the past week, since he’d been in England, he’d seemed fine. I’d no notion until then, that he was still so cut up inside.
He said, ‘When she told me we were finished, I thought I was going to die. It was as though someone had stuck a knife in my chest. I couldn’t breathe –’ He took his hand away from his face, and his eyes fastened on mine. ‘You must think I’m pathetic.’
‘No, I don’t.’ I decided it would be very easy for me to hate Cécile, a girl I’d never met, because of the hurt she’d caused my friend.
‘I know I have to forget her,’ Alex said, ‘but sometimes – I have moments when I just can’t get her out of my mind.’ His mouth lifted in a sad smile.
He was still in love with her.
Alex visibly pulled himself together. ‘That’s enough of my feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for listening, mon amie.’
‘De rien,’ I said. ‘You’re welcome.’
Instinctively, I put my arms round Alex’s bare shoulders and hugged him, and he put his arms around me and hugged me back, so that I was pressed tight against the hard muscles of his chest, his skin smooth and cool, against my face. To my disquiet, desire for him, a purely physical reaction, shot through me. Hastily, I let go of him, and stood up.
‘I should …’ I was completely unable to think of anything that required my attention.
‘Yeah, I need to cancel that flat-viewing.’ Alex reached for his laptop. ‘Anna, do you want to do something this afternoon? Maybe go to the Tate?’
‘Oh, I’d have loved that. I’ve not been to an art gallery in ages.’ Not since I’ve been dating Nick. ‘But Nick and I are going shopping. To buy a new washing machine for his flat.’
‘Not to worry. I don’t mind going on my own.’
And while he was looking at paintings, I’d be looking at electrical appliances.
‘I’ll see you later, Alex.’
‘It’ll probably be tomorrow that we’ll see each other,’ Alex said. ‘Tonight, I’m going to a record launch party with some people from work. I’ve been warned that it’s going on until the early hours.’
‘Tomorrow then. Have a good time.’
‘You too, Anna.’
I left the room, went into my bedroom, and flung myself down on my bed. A sentence from one of Alex’s recent letters floated into my head …
… Sometimes, after we have made love and Cécile is asleep, I lie awake beside her, watching her all night, and think how fortunate I am to love her, and to be loved by her.
I wondered if Nick ever watched me while I slept. Somehow, I doubted it.
Seven
I sat cross-legged on Nick’s bed. ‘So what’s this conference you’re going to about?’
Nick placed five neatly folded white shirts in his suitcase. ‘Process Management – the alignment of strategy and services.’
AKA watching paint dry. ‘Is it going to be … fun, do you think?’
‘I doubt you’d find it much fun, but for those of us who work in business assurance, it should be extremely interesting.’
‘Right.’ I had very little idea of what Nick did all day at work – despite my best intentions to be a supportive girlfriend, my eyes glazed over whenever he talked about his job – but as he was head of a department of thirty people, I assumed he must be very good at it.
Nick counted out five pairs of grey socks, and added them to his case. ‘Have you got much on next week, while I’m away?’
‘I’ve not got a whole lot planned. Tomorrow, I’ll probably call in on my parents. And Alex and I are going to dinner with Beth and Rob on Thursday, but that’s about it.’
‘Why would Beth invite you and Alex over for dinner?’
‘She met him the first time he came to England, don’t forget. You were invited as well – but you’ll still be at the conference.’
‘Oh.’ His packing finished, Nick zipped up his suitcase, leaned it against the wall next to his briefcase and his laptop, and headed off to the bathroom. While he was gone, I sprayed myself liberally with perfume, before climbing between his white Egyptian cotton sheets. He came back into the bedroom and undressed down to his boxers, carefully placing his shirt and his socks in his laundry basket, and hanging up his jeans in his wardrobe. He switched off the light, and got into bed next to me. His hand slid under my nightdress, and absently stroked my thigh. I waited for him to suggest that I should take the nightdress off.
He said, ‘How’s Alex’s flat-hunting going? Any chance he’ll have moved out of your place by the time I’m back from Manchester?’
‘Oh … I didn’t tell you. Alex isn’t moving out. I’ve said he can stay with me ’til he goes back to Paris.’
‘You’ve done what?’
‘It’s only for six months.’
Nick sat bolt upright and switched on his bedside lamp. ‘You’ve invited Alex to live in your flat for the next six months without asking me what I thought about it first?’
‘I didn’t realise I needed to ask your permission to have a friend to stay.’ I also sat up.
‘You know I’ve never been comfortable about your relationship with Alex.’
‘Are we seriously going to have this discussion yet again? Alex is my friend. Get over it.’
‘Even if you are just friends, that doesn’t mean I want him hanging around you all the time.’
‘I don’t see that much of Alex –’
‘I hate the way you talk to him in French so that I don’t know what you’re saying –’
‘I don’t –’
‘You don’t even realise you’re doing it half the time – it’s so frickin’ annoying.’
Taken aback by the anger in Nick’s voice, I said, ‘If it’s such a big deal, I’ll make sure I only speak to him in English when you’re around.’
‘I want you to ask him to leave.’
‘I can’t – I won’t do that.’
‘So what I want do
esn’t matter to you?’
‘Of course it does, but right now you’re being totally unreasonable.’
‘We’re a couple. I should come first with you.’
‘You do.’ I put my hand on Nick’s arm but he shook it off. ‘Let’s not fight. Please.’
‘Oh, whatever.’ Nick switched off the lamp. The mattress creaked as he lay down and rolled onto his side with his back to me.
I said, ‘Nick?’
‘What?’
‘When I said Alex could stay on in my flat, it honestly never occurred to me that you’d mind.’
‘Just leave it, Anna. I’ve got a long drive ahead of me in the morning. I need to get some sleep.’
I turned away from him and lay still, staring at the dark. My thoughts tumbled over one another. Should I have checked with Nick before I invited Alex to stay on in my flat? I didn’t see why. If he was still jealous of Alex, then it was his problem, not mine. Yes, I thought Alex was an attractive guy, but so what? Nick was my boyfriend, but that didn’t mean he could tell me how to run my life.
It was a long time before I finally fell asleep.
Eight
Beth answered her front door with one hand, holding Jonah on her hip with the other. Dressed in jeans and a loose shirt, and wearing no make-up, her hair caught up in a ponytail, she didn’t look nearly old enough to be the mother of two children. In the red shift dress and heels I’d worn to the office, I felt very over-dressed for a quiet supper with friends.
‘Anna.’ Beth’s face lit up in a brilliant smile. ‘It’s so good to see you.’
‘You too.’ I smiled at Beth’s little son. ‘Hello, Jonah.’
Jonah smiled shyly back at me.
Alex had been standing a little way behind me, but now he stepped forward into the light spilling out from the hall.
‘Alexandre?’ Beth’s eyes widened in surprise. ‘C’est toi? You’re so tall …’
‘Oui, c’est moi,’ Alex said, amused. ‘It’s really me. Hello, Beth.’
‘Bonsoir,’Beth said. ‘See, Anna, I haven’t forgotten all my schoolgirl French.’
‘These are for you.’ Alex handed Beth the flowers he’d bought for her.
‘Ooh, merci, Alexandre,’ Beth said. ‘They’re lovely.’
Rob, Beth’s husband, appeared from the direction of the kitchen, and I introduced him to Alex. While Beth went off to put her flowers in water, and to get Jonah into bed, Rob led us into the living room, and poured us each a glass of wine. I sat down next to Alex on the sofa, only to yelp and jump up again as something hard dug into my rear. I looked down to see a plastic tyrannosaurus staring back up at me.
