by Leta Blake
“Love, what’s wrong?” Urho asked.
“Nothing,” Xan gritted out. “This chair is uncomfortable.”
Urho’s eyes took on a concerned glimmer and he whispered, “Are you sore? Have we been too rough? You should have said.”
Xan swallowed hard, his focus on Monhundy, who was watching his interactions with Urho like a snake watched a mouse. “I’m fine. Don’t worry. Everything’s all right.” He sounded as pale as he probably looked, and he squirmed convulsively again, pinned by the nastiness in Monhundy’s gaze.
Urho’s eyes followed Xan’s stare to where Monhundy stood waiting his turn to wrestle. “Who’s that man? Do you know him?”
Xan swallowed hard again and shook his head. “No.” Then, reconsidering, he nodded once. “Yes. He’s, uh, well, his family is in business with my father. The Monhundys.”
Urho grimaced. “Ah yes. I remember that one—Wilbet, wasn’t it?—from when I worked at the university. A nasty piece of work. A bully of the worst sort.” Urho froze, the words sharp in the air between them. His eyes narrowed on Monhundy.
“Don’t,” Xan murmured.
Urho’s fists clenched. “It’s him. He hurt you. He’s the one who—” He leapt up from his seat, pamphlet crushed in one hand and murder in his eyes.
Monhundy smirked and raised a challenging brow. Almost begging Urho to do something reckless.
Xan jumped up and tugged Urho down to sitting again. It was difficult, but he was determined, and he caught Urho off balance. “We can’t make a scene,” he hissed.
The announcer walked into the middle of the wrestling mat with a hand-held microphone. “Our next Blue Vein competitor is a hard man to beat!”
“I’ll kill him,” Urho whispered, gritting his teeth together and holding Monhundy’s gaze. “I’ll gut him. He raped you.”
Xan squeezed his arm. “I went to him!”
Urho’s cry of rage was covered by the excited yells of the crowd as the bell rang and the wrestling match began. The men grappled and rolled, broke apart and flew back together. It was brutal and violent, and the rules didn’t seem to properly apply this time. The Virona opponent’s nose began to bleed profusely, but no one called an end to the match.
Xan sat frozen, holding onto Urho’s arm, watching the match with one eye on Monhundy in a haze of fear and barely banked rage. How dare Wilbet Monhundy show up here in Virona? How dare he show his face anywhere near Xan’s recently almost-perfect life?
This time the Virona wrestler was declared champion, but Xan couldn’t even enjoy Monhundy’s team’s defeat. Urho was on his feet again with determination on his face, and Xan leapt after him, managing to grab his arm and pull him out of the overcrowded and overheated room. Xan could feel Monhundy’s gaze on their backs. Sweat slipped down the side of Xan’s face as they fought their way toward the exit.
Urho was more than strong enough to break Xan’s grasp, but thankfully he didn’t. Once out of the gymnasium, though, it was Urho who yanked Xan up the stairs, down the hall, and toward the front door of the gentlemen’s club without any care as to whether or not he was drawing any notice or stares.
Luckily, most everyone seemed to be in the gymnasium now watching the wrestling, except for beta employees. So there was no one to ask questions, or stop Urho, or ask if Xan was all right.
“What are you doing?” Xan finally gasped as Urho tugged him out into the cool evening air. The ocean pounded below, the roar of the waves rising up in a mist.
The valets stopped chatting and looked their way.
Urho motioned for them to bring the new car around, handing over the ticket, but saying nothing. His mouth was set in a straight line, his eyes hard, and a tension radiated from him that Xan hadn’t seen since that day when Urho had stopped by his house to check on him and proceeded to put his finger up his ass during the following examination.
The wind stung through his shirtsleeves. “Our suit coats…” Xan said, looking back toward the foyer of the club. “This is my favorite one.” The hearts he’d thought so darling earlier in the evening now seemed to be taunting him, pointing out how silly he’d been to think he’d get any kind of romantic night. That he deserved one.
Urho grimly stalked back into the club and returned with their suit coats. Xan shrugged his on, but Urho held his folded over one arm, panting as he stared out at the dark, churning water below the club. Xan wrapped his arms around himself, the chill from the night air soaking into him, a wet, damp misery.
Once the vehicle was brought around, Urho took the wheel, and Xan climbed into the passenger seat, even though it was his car. He tipped the valet and buckled his seat belt.
“Where are we going?”
Silence.
Xan tried to figure out where Urho was taking him by the turns they made, up and down twisted cliffside roads. But he didn’t think Urho had a true destination in mind.
Eventually, they reached the bottom of the cliffs and drove alongside the beach for some time. Urho pulled off the road and parked the car by the dunes. He got out and marched toward the ocean, undoing his tie and throwing it into the wind. Xan followed after, his stomach churning and blood pumping hard.
Ahead of him, Urho tossed his shoes off into the dunes, and then his socks, before starting down toward the water.
“Urho?” Xan shouted after Urho’s back as he struggled to unknot his right shoe, before finally getting it. He kicked his shoes and socks into the weeds and ran hard after his lover, the cold sand shifting dangerously under his feet when he hit it at full speed.
Catching up to Urho, he grabbed his arm and forced him around, his thundering heart sinking at the dark, stony expression on Urho’s face barely visible in the moonlight. “Talk to me!”
Urho squeezed his eyes shut and wrenched away, staring at the dark, roiling ocean. Clouds had rolled in, obscuring the stars, and the water was only visible as the tossing moon reflected on the waves. The sound of the ocean’s fury was inescapable, though. Waves crashed on the beach, rushing up over their feet and soaking their hems, shockingly frigid.
“I didn’t know he’d be there.” Xan clutched Urho’s arm again. “I haven’t seen him since that night. I swear to wolf-god, Urho. I swear on everything I have and love. Please believe me!”
“I do believe you,” Urho gritted out.
“Then why are you so angry with me?”
“I’m not angry with you,” Urho barked, but he sounded angry as wolf-hell, so Xan didn’t know what to believe.
“Look, I can’t read minds!” he exclaimed desperately. “Talk to me. Please.”
Urho stared at the black ocean. “You went to him. To get fucked.”
Xan swallowed hard, and shame flooding him. “I did.”
“And he hurt you.”
“Yes.”
“And you liked it.” Urho sounded broken.
Xan ripped a hand through his hair, tugging hard. He sobbed, “I don’t think I really did? I don’t know!”
“You went back.”
“I was messed up, Urho! I was angry. I hated myself. Please.”
Urho turned to him then and grabbed him, tugging him into a tight embrace. He tucked his face in Xan’s neck and scented him deeply, shaking all over. It was tough to breathe, squeezed by Urho’s strength, but Xan didn’t struggle or try to get free. Instead, he grabbed Urho back and held on for all he was worth, gasping shallowly as the world swirled around him.
Then Urho released him and sank down to the sand, his filthy bare feet pointing out to the ocean. The waves came up to wash over them and up to his calves. His suit was getting soaked, and he shivered.
“Urho.” Xan squatted next to him. “I never cared for him. I told you that already. And if I have to, I’ll tell you a million times.”
“How long did you see him? How long did it last?”
“A year or so. I’ll never see him again.”
“I know you won’t,” Urho said, his voice raw and tight. “But I should have never le
t it happen.”
“How could you have stopped it?” Xan asked, reaching out to stroke Urho’s cheek.
“That first time I truly met you—on the beach the summer after Vale and Jason contracted—I felt something for you, but I denied it.”
Xan pushed windblown hair out his eyes and drew closer, trying to make sense of Urho’s anger and cold rage. “I felt something for you too,” he admitted.
“Fuck. It’s true. It’s my fault you were ever hurt.” Urho’s shoulders slumped and he squeezed his eyes closed. “You could have been safe with me this whole time.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Xan sputtered. “You barely knew me then.”
“But I grew to know you. As much as I allowed myself to. I held you at a distance because something about you always got under my skin.” He laughed bitterly. “You made me want things an alpha should never want.”
Xan blinked at him, trying to make out his face in silver light of the moon. The club on the cliff above glowed. It hurt to see somehow. It was a reminder that up there people were happy, laughing, gambling, and fighting—anything but having a conversation that cleaved open wounds with every word spoken.
“I let you down before we even began.”
“Well, that’s a fucking handy excuse!” Xan exclaimed, standing up to kick sand at Urho’s feet. “Let me guess! You’re going to end this now? Spare me any more suffering? What shit from wolf-god’s own ass!”
Urho grabbed his hand and pulled him down to the sand, dragging Xan into his arms. “No. I’m never leaving you to the likes of that monster again,” he bit out. “And I will see him buried before he ever lays a finger on you.”
“Urho,” Xan soothed, “he doesn’t want me like that. If I don’t go to him—and I won’t—he’ll never touch me.”
“He’ll still pay for what he did.”
“Leave the past in the past.” Xan’s heart thumped. The surf pounded at his back, racing up and wetting him all over. His favorite suit was now a wreck. “Anything you do to him will raise questions, and those questions will come back to us. Just let it go. I’m safe here with you now.”
Urho gathered him closer, removed his tie, and scented along Xan’s neck and collarbones. Opening Xan’s shirt, Urho kissed his chest and sucked his nipples before coming up to claim his mouth.
Xan was shaking with cold and fear, so lust was a welcome hot distraction and comfort. The waves roared around them, crashing over their legs and wetting them, but Urho didn’t let go, pushing Xan down, and shoving him into the sand. He kissed and rubbed against him until the sandy, gritty torture became too painful.
They pulled apart to walk, panting and shivering, hand-in-hand back to the car.
“Ren’s going to be annoyed with me about this,” Xan said, taking the driver’s side this time and nodding as ocean water and sand muddied the interior of the car. “He’ll flash me his angry eyes while outwardly smiling, and I’ll have to wonder if my tea is poisoned for the rest of the week. I’ll give him a bonus in his salary next pay period.” His normal words sounded strange to his own ears after what had happened.
Urho remained quieter than usual, but the drive back to Lofton had lost the tension of the race to the sea after leaving the club. As Xan drove, Urho stared out the window at the ocean until they came around the curve that blocked it from view. Then he studied the town’s houses and fields until they reached home.
“You can’t blame yourself for my choices,” Xan finally said, briefly reaching out for Urho’s hand between changing gears.
“How did it start between you? The first time?” Urho asked.
Xan nearly swallowed his tongue. He couldn’t bring himself to confess the reality of what had happened that first time with Monhundy. In part because the truth contradicted his statements that Monhundy only fucked him because Xan begged him to, and because it would show beyond a shadow of a doubt just how fucked up Xan was inside. How disturbed.
“I want the truth,” Urho said, as though reading Xan’s mind.
He chewed his lip and stared ahead, navigating the car through the gate leading up to the Lofton Estate. He was glad they were almost home. Maybe he could still get out of this.
“Was it alpha expression the first time? Did he rape you?”
Xan slowed the car to a halt and put on the brake halfway up the drive. He sat silently for a long moment until he thought he could speak without crying or hyperventilating. “I taunted him in a bar we were both visiting. He came at me, but his friends held him back. Said I was an unmanned shrimp and didn’t deserve the trouble he’d get for starting something with me in a beta establishment.”
Urho nodded.
“He waited outside the bar, though. It wasn’t the first time we’d gotten into it. He’d bullied me at Mont Nessadare and we’d come to blows more than once. He always won.” Xan gave a bitter smile. “It’s true that I’m an unmanned shrimp.”
Urho said nothing, but his fists clenched.
“You have to understand, what happened next… I didn’t want it to go down the way it did. But when it was over, it was my choice to go back for more. To make him do it to me again, and again, and again.”
“Stop now.”
“He didn’t rape me,” Xan said softly, lancing the festering boil. “I wanted him to fuck me. No matter what form that came in—I wanted him however he’d give it to me. Brutal, cruel—it didn’t matter. It was no worse than what I thought I deserved.”
Urho choked beside him.
“So that’s the truth of me. The worst thing I’ve ever been or done. I’ve never told anyone before. I’ll understand if you hate me.”
“I love you, dammit,” Urho croaked.
Xan’s heart clenched with a burst of joy amid the pain. He loves me.
“And that’s what’s killing me now. Because I love you and I hate myself. Why can’t I turn back time and make it all go away? Make him go away. I want to hurt him like I’ve never wanted to hurt another man. I want to send him to a place he’ll never come back from.” The darkness in Urho’s voice was something Xan had never heard, and it scared him. “I want him dead.”
“Urho…”
“I want to see him spit-roasted and burned alive.”
“Please…” Xan didn’t know what to say. The darkness was terrifying. Especially because he couldn’t say that some part of him didn’t want the same thing. “Leave it behind. That kind of hate will just ruin whatever future we could have now. And we have to think of Caleb.”
Urho jerked at that, his bright, dark eyes catching Xan’s. “Yes, it’s our responsibility to protect him.”
“Mine, actually,” Xan said. “He’s my omega. I’ll take care of him.”
“And you’re my omega,” Urho whispered. “I’ll take care of you.”
Xan’s eyes filled with tears but he held them back. “We’ll take care of each other.”
“I’m sorry I let you down.”
“You didn’t.” Xan unbuckled his seat belt to reach out and touch Urho’s cheek again. “Neither of us could have known…” He trailed off, looking up at the lights on in the house. There was beautiful warmth that came from knowing people waited for them, men who loved them both in various ways. “What we have now is too good to waste on what could have been. Forgive yourself. Please.” A tear fell, and Urho touched it with the pad of his thumb, wiping it away. “Because if you can forgive yourself, then I can forgive myself too.”
“My sweet alpha-shaped omega…”
“We all have room for improvement in our lives. I’m working on being a better alpha to my omega, and being a good lover to you. I want to be a better son to my father, and a better leader for Heelies Enterprises. So I figure you can work on this one thing to complete your perfection. Feel free to take your time.”
“I’m not perfect.” Urho placed his hand on the back of Xan’s neck, rubbing his fingers back and forth possessively.
“I know. You’re human.” Xan smiled. “I love you. Flaws an
d all.”
They kissed over the gear shift as the moon poured around the car. Their love overflowed in the sight of wolf’s own eye, and it was pure.
That night, Urho held Xan for a long time before they made love. He kissed every place he remembered being bruised after the last time Xan had gone to Monhundy, and he kissed every place that might have ever been bruised by that demon’s hands. His mind flashed to the smarmy, smug, handsome face of the man who’d hurt his beloved.
Urho wasn’t going to let it go, no matter what Xan wanted. But he was going to let it rest. For now. Bide his time. Make good, strong choices for them all. Because that’s what an alpha did when he was protecting his family.
Xan was his family now. He’d protect him with all his heart and soul, from damage past and future. And that meant protecting Caleb, too.
He’d protect them both always.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
In the detached wing along the west side of the house, beneath the servant’s quarters on the upper floor, Caleb had installed his printing machine. It’d been transported several weeks ago now from the city via a rented Sabel truck, along with boxes upon boxes of Caleb’s artwork and supplies.
From what Urho could gather, the room had probably been intended as a servants’ hall, but since Caleb and Xan had designated their out-of-the-way, and never-used ballroom and gaming rooms in the main house for their live-in beta servants’ pleasure, the big room in the detached wing was left open for appropriation.
There’d been a vast number of square stones unloaded and carted into the new studio, which Urho had found himself curious about. To Xan’s surprise and obvious envy, Urho’s questions to Caleb had earned him an exclusive invitation into the print studio to see how everything worked.
“When am I going to get an invitation to your studio?” Xan asked over breakfast. He was still flushed from that morning’s exertions in the garden. Urho was teaching him to box. He never wanted his alpha-shaped omega in a position where he couldn’t defend himself against a brute like Monhundy. And so boxing lessons had started the morning after their trip to the gentlemen’s club. They were going well so far. Xan was strong and sturdy, despite being small.
