by David Thorne
Also, if you happen to see Seb eating anything over the next few weeks, please take the food from him immediately. He forgot to feed his turtle last week, and I feel a month without food will help him understand both the importance of being a responsible pet owner and the effects of malnutrition.
Regards, David
From: Margaret Bennett
Date: Tuesday 25 August 2009 4:10 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room
I hope you are not being serious about the food but I am forwarding your e-mail to the principal as per school policy.
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 26 August 2009 11:18 a.m.
To: Margaret Bennett
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room
Dear Maggie,
Rest assured, I would not really withhold nutritional requirements from any child. Except maybe that one that starred in the Home Alone movies. I read somewhere that a healthy breakfast helps concentration, and since replacing my usual diet of nicotine with Froot Loops, I have found I am able to move small objects with my mind. Just this morning Seb and I were discussing the importance of good nutrition, which is why, if you check in his school bag, you will find a bag of rice, vegetables, a wok, and a camp stove. The gas bottle can be a little tricky but has instructions printed on the side, so he should be all right. Please remind him to stand well back and cover his face while igniting, as the hose is worn and has developed a small leak.
Also, I am not sure what you are teaching in your classroom, but Seb came home the other week talking about a healthy eating pyramid. I had to explain to him that pyramids are made of stone and therefore not edible, so I would appreciate your not filling his head with these fanciful notions.
Regards, David
From: Margaret Bennett
Date: Wednesday 26 August 2009 2:05 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room
I have no idea what your point is. I will speak to the principal about the ban but you have to understand that only government approved software is allowed on the computers and Seb knew this rule.
Margaret
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 26 August 2009 2:17 p.m.
To: Margaret Bennett
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room
Dear Maggie,
I understand the need for conformity. Without a concise set of rules to follow we would probably all have to resort to common sense. Discipline is the key to conformity, and it is important that we learn not to question authority at an early age.
Just this week I found a Sue Townsend novel in Seb’s bag that I do not believe is on the school-approved reading list. Do not concern yourself about it making its way to the schoolyard, though, because we attended a community book burning last night. Although one lady tried to ruin the atmosphere with comments regarding Mayan codices and the Alexandrian Libraries, I mentioned to the High Magus that I had overheard her discussing spells to turn the village cow’s milk sour, and the mob took care of the rest.
Regards, David
From: Margaret Bennett
Date: Thursday 28 August 2009 11:56 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room
I have spoken to the principal and in this instance we will lift the ban.
Margaret
I wish I had a monkey, not like this one, though
If a woman had sex with a gorilla, got pregnant, and gave birth, we would be able to see what man’s early ancestors really looked like and include actual photographs in scientific volumes dealing with Neanderthal man. Due to the mixing of species, it might not be possible to produce offspring, or it might be more likely if a man had sex with a female gorilla, but this would be much less fun to watch. Due to father/mother percentage variations, we would probably need about fifty women to do it to get an average. We could also put the babies on an island with hidden cameras to see if they invent the wheel and discover fire. Call it Monkey Island and sell series rights. Another bonus would be enough actors to produce footage that would make the opening scenes from 2001: A Space Odyssey look like a primary school play. I would call mine Manky, as it is a cross between man and monkey; and I would teach him to love.
Obviously, having my own monkey would be fantastic for a whole host of reasons, but as they are quite intelligent yet unable to speak, they have the advantage of learning very quickly through beatings while being unable to tell anyone. The following is a list of the kinds of monkeys that would be good to have. The list is far from complete, as it omits Jet-ski Monkey, Boiling Water Monkey, and Battlestar Galactica Monkey but covers the basic best kinds of monkeys.
Disguised Monkey
If I had a monkey, I would borrow my mum’s sewing machine and make my monkey a little monkey suit. Then if anyone said, “That’s not a real monkey; it’s just a monkey suit—I can see the zipper,” I could say, “I bet you fifty dollars it is a real monkey.” And when they said, “That seems like a reasonable bet. You are on!” my monkey would take off the monkey suit, and they would have to pay me fifty dollars. I would buy drugs with the fifty dollars. For the monkey. So he wouldn’t mind spending his life in a monkey suit.
Gambling Monkey
If I had a monkey, I would teach him to count cards like Dustin Hoffman in the movie Rainman and then sneak my monkey into the casino. If anyone said, “Hey, a monkey! Whose monkey is that?” I would say, “It’s not my monkey.”
Hairdressing Monkey
If I had a monkey, I would teach him how to do my hair—using the appropriate amount of product. I would then set the alarm for him to get up half an hour before I do and do my hair while I am still asleep. This would either give me more time in the morning or allow me to spend more time sleeping. I would just waste the extra half hour, anyway, so probably better to sleep; but as I usually don’t rock up to work till ten thirty or so, I could try leaving earlier. This would give me more time to write about what I would do if I had a monkey.
Singing Monkey
If I had a monkey, I would teach it to sing Kylie Minogue songs. Then if Kylie passed out on stage again I would be able to save the day by having my monkey finish the concert for her. The concert promoters would probably give me free tickets and promotional gifts. Kylie would be so thankful that she might send me an autographed photo, and I could sell it on eBay for fifty dollars. I would buy drugs with the fifty dollars. Not for the monkey, for me.
Paddling Monkey
If I had a monkey, I would teach it how to use a paddle. The next time I went kayaking I would be able to relax and enjoy the scenery while my monkey navigated the river. The last time I went kayaking, I was listening to my iPod. I fell asleep and got sunburned, and the current took me way up the river before I awoke when the kayak hit a tree branch, and I had to paddle all the way back. Having a paddling monkey would prevent this from ever happening again, so really, it is a water-safety issue and should be encouraged.
Web Monkey
If I had a monkey, I would teach it to download porn for me. This way I could spend my time watching it instead of looking for it. I estimate this would save me one hundred and thirty hours a week. I would obviously require a monkey with similar tastes to mine, but how hard can it be to find a monkey with a penchant for pregnant German women in latex?
Channel Changing Monkey
If I had a monkey, I would teach it how to use all the entertainment equipment. I would save money on batteries for the remote controls by having my monkey change channels for me. With the money I saved on batteries I would buy drugs. I would share the drugs with the monkey while we watched Black Books and Stephen Chow movies together.
Surveillance Monkey
If I had a monkey, I would teach it to track down people who annoy me by using their profile photo and Google Maps. Using earpieces to communicate, I would have my m
onkey conceal himself behind the person typing on Facebook®, and when that person wrote something stupid, I would have my monkey run up and slap them on the back of the head really hard then make a quick escape. Having several monkeys would be more convenient, but I don’t have time to train seven monkeys, what with having to do my own hair in the morning.
5 FUN THINGS TO DO WITH A MONKEY
1. Construct and fly box kites
2. EyeToy
3. Run down sand dunes
4. Play Connect 4
5. Dress up
Yellow Shirt Monkey
If I had a monkey, I would name it Brendon. I would shave the monkey, buy it a yellow shirt, and teach it to write inane posts on the Australian wall. Occasionally I would burn the monkey with a cigarette lighter but not to cause enough damage to detract it from its primary goal: impersonating a retard.
Ceramic Monkey
If I had a monkey, I would name it Steve Darls and use it for scientific research. I would then publish my findings in a journal titled “Monkey vs. Electricity.” With the proceeds from the sale of this publication, I would buy a potter’s wheel and kiln and produce my own range of contemporary, modern statues of monkeys. I could make a cast of my dead monkey and use it to produce to-scale ceramic monkeys. I would design a sticker stating that part of the proceeds go to Greenpeace but would keep all the money for myself. With the money, I would buy drugs and spend my days stoned, listening to music and turning pots.
Dear neighbor, you are not invited to my party
A few weeks ago, a guy moved into the apartment across from me. I know little about him apart from the fact that he owns cane furniture; I saw the delivery guys carry it up. I bumped into him on the stairs once, and he said hello, but I cannot be friends with someone that owns cane furniture, so I pretended I had a turtle to feed or something. Last week when I checked my mailbox, I found that my new neighbor had left me a note stating that he was having a party and to let him know if the noise was too loud. The problem I have with the note is not that he was having a party and didn’t invite me, it was that he selected a vibrant background of balloons, effectively stating that his party was going to be vibrant and possibly have balloons, and that I couldn’t come. If I were writing a note to my neighbors saying that I was going to have a party but none of them could come, I would not add photos of ecstasy tablets, beer, and gratuitous shots of Lucius going down on men to show them what they are missing out on. I would make it clean and simple, possibly even somber, so they didn’t think, “You prick.”
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 11:04 a.m.
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: R.S.V.P.
Dear Matthew,
Thank you for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be for a child’s party—what with it being vibrant and having balloons—but I realize you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. What time would you like me there?
Regards, David
From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 3:48 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: R.S.V.P.
Hi David
Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer if you like. Cheers Matthew
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 5:41 p.m.
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.
Thanks Matthew,
Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don’t tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway, and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we bump into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you, and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party, and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided?
Regards, David
From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10:01 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.
Hi David
As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate.
Cheers Matthew
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2:36 p.m.
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.
Dear Matthew,
I can appreciate that. Our apartments are not very large, are they? I myself like to go for a jog every night to keep fit but fear leaving the house, so I have to jog on the spot, taking very small steps with my arms straight down. I understand the problems of space restrictions all too well. If you would like to store some of your furniture at my place during the party, you are quite welcome to—if we move your cane furniture into my spare room for the night and scatter cushions on the ground, that would provide a lot more seating and create a cozy atmosphere at the same time. I have a mirror ball that you can borrow.
I have told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the space constraints, so it will just be us two and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well, so I really didn’t have any choice, because he can become quite violent. Sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him. So just me, Ross, and Simon. Simon’s girlfriend, Cathy, has a work function on that night but might come along after that if she can get a lift with friends.
Regards, David
From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4:19 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.
Wtf? Nobody can come to the houswarming party—it is just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1?
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6:12 p.m.
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.
Hi Matthew,
I understand it is an exclusive party, and I appreciate your trusting my judgment on who to bring. I just assumed you have cane furniture. Doesn’t everybody? Cane is possibly one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic, it is not only strong but also lightweight and attractive. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan’s Island but is in color, of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one, in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with Flintstones—I found Betty much more attractive than Wilma, but then I am not really keen on redheads at all. They have freckles all over their body, did you know? It’s the ones on their back and shoulders that creep me out the most.
Anyway, Ross rang me today all excited about the party and asked me what the theme is. I told him that I don’t think there is a theme; and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties-themed party. I have a white suit and projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw. I have made a looping tape of “Wouldn’t It Be Good” to play, as I am sure you will agree that this song rocks and has stood the test of time well. I am in the process of redesigning your invites appropriately and will get a few hundred of them printed off later today. I will have to ask you for the money for this because print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it, and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letterbox if I don’t see you before tonight.
Regards, David
From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11:06 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.<
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What the fuck are yout alking about? There is no theme for the party it is just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Do not print anything out because I am not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look I am sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1 ?
