by David Thorne
Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 5:09 p.m.
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip
Dear Darryl,
I understand the importance the resurrection story holds in your particular religion. If I, too, knew some guy that had been killed and placed inside a cave with a rock in front of it, and I visited the cave to find the rock moved and his body gone, the only logical assumption would be that he had risen from the dead and is the Son of God. Once, my friend Simon was rushed to the hospital to have his appendix removed, and I visited him the next day to find his bed empty. I immediately sacrificed a goat and burned a witch in his name, but it turned out that he had not had appendicitis, just needed a good poo and was at home playing PlayStation.
I realize PlayStation was not around in those days, but they probably had the equivalent. A muddy stick or something. I would have said, “Can someone please check if Jesus is at home playing with his muddy stick? If not, then and only then should we all assume, logically, that he has risen from the dead and is the Son of God.”
If we accept, though, that Jesus was the son of an Infinite Being capable of anything, he probably did have a PlayStation. Probably a PlayStation 7. I know I have to get my offspring all the latest gadgets. God would have probably said to him, “I was going to wait another two thousand years to give you this, but seeing as you have been good . . . just don’t tell your mother about Grand Theft Auto.”
Also, is it true that Jesus can be stabbed during a sword fight and be OK because of the fact that he can die only if he gets his head chopped off?
Regards, David
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Friday 12 March 2010 10:13 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip
Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus have a sword fight. Learning the teachings of the Bible is not just about religion. It teaches a set of ethics that are sadly not taught by parents nowadays.
Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 12 March 2010 2:23 p.m.
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip
Dear Darryl,
You raise a valid point, and I appreciate your pointing out my failings as a parent. Practicing a system of ethics based on the promise of a reward, in your case an afterlife, is certainly preferable to practicing a system of ethics based on it simply being the right thing to do.
Many years ago, I lived next door to a Christian named Mr. Stevens. You could tell he was a Christian, because he had a fish sticker on his Datsun. He used to wave at us kids from his bathroom window on hot summer days as we played in the sprinkler. I learned a lot from
Mr. Stevens. Mainly about wrestling holds. The trick is to oil up really well. I would often lie on his living room rug looking up at the pictures of sunsets behind quotes from Psalms while waiting for him to unwrap his legs from around my torso.
Your job would be made much easier if, after making the school children sit through an hour of church youth group teens dancing, singing and re-enacting Jewish magic tricks, you simply told them that it was just a small taste of what hell is like and if they didn’t believe in Jesus they would have to sit through it again. When I was at school, we were forced to attend a similar presentation. Herded into the gym under the pretense of free chips, we were assaulted with an hour of hippies playing guitars and a dance routine featuring some kind of colorful coat and a lot of looking upward. Because of the air-conditioning in the packed gym not working and it being a hot day, the hippie wearing the colorful coat blacked out mid performance and struck his head against the front edge of the stage, spraying the first row of cross-legged children with blood. Unconscious, he also urinated. There was a bit of screaming and an ambulance involved, and everyone agreed it was the best play they had ever seen.
Regards, David
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Friday 12 March 2010 2:47 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip
Hello David
I don’t see what any of that has to do with this play. It’s important for children to have balance in their life and spirituality is as important in a childs life as everything else. There’s an old saying that life without religion is life without beauty.
Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 12 March 2010 3:36 p.m.
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip
Dear Darryl,
I agree completely that balance is an important component of a child’s education. I will assume then that you will also be organizing a class excursion to a play depicting the fifteen billion year expansion of the universe from its initial particle soup moments following the big bang through to molecule coalescence, galaxy and planetary formation, and eventually life?
Perhaps your church youth group could put together an interpretive dance routine representing the behavior of Saturn’s moon Hyperion, shattered by an ancient collision and falling randomly back together; tugged to and fro by the gravitational pull of Titan, sixteen sister moons, the multibillion-fold moonlets of Saturn’s rings, Saturn’s gravitational field, companion planets, the variability of Sol, stars, galaxies, neighboring galaxies . . . or possibly not. According to an old saying, there is no beauty in this.
Also, while I understand that the play is to be held outside school grounds because of the fact that it is illegal to present medieval metaphysical propaganda in public schools, it is also my understanding that you are now required by law, as of last year, to go by the title Christian Volunteer rather than School Chaplain. A memo you may have missed or filed in your overflowing “Facts that cease to exist when they are ignored” tray.
Regards, David
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Monday 15 March 2010 9:22 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip
I’m not going to waste any more time replying to your stupid e-mails.
If you don’t want your child to attend the play just indicate that on the permission slip.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 15 March 2010 11:04 a.m.
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip
PERMISSION SLIP
Dear Parent/Guardian of Seb Thorne
On Monday the 22nd of March, classes from year 5 and 6 will be attending a presentation held outside of school grounds at the Mary Richardson Memorial Hall. During the presentation, the true meaning of Easter will be explained in an entertaining and fun filled play performed by members of the Grange Uniting Church youth drama group. Students must have a signed permission slip prior to departure. If you give your child permission to attend this presentation, please sign and return to the school with your child. If you have any questions about the presentation, please call me on or send me an email to darryu
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Monday 15 March 2010 2:11 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: No Subject
I will pray for you.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 15 March 2010 2:19 p.m.
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: No Subject
Thanks. Mention that I want a Toyota Prado if you get the chance. A white one. With dark grey leather interior and sat. nav.
Regards, David
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 9:20 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: No Subject
I’ve had enough of your nonsense. Dont e-mail me again.
From: GOD
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Word of God
DARRYL, THIS IS GOD. BUY DAVID A TOYOTA PRADO. A WHITE ONE. WITH DARK GREY LEATHER INTERIOR AND SAT. NAV.
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 2:35 p.m.
To: GOD Cc: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Word of God
I’m serious.
From: GOD
Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 2:48 p.m.
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Word of God
OK.
Simon’s good ideas for websites
Hello, my name is Simon. I have good ideas for websites all the time. Every single one of my ideas would make lots of money. Do not copy these ideas, because they are mine.
everything.com
This would be a website where instead of having to look all over the Internet for what you want, it would all be in the one place. This would effectively end the need for search engines, so I would have to be careful that Google representatives do not kill me in my sleep.
whereaboutsami.com
This would be a website where users can write the name of the city and street they are on, and I would tell them where they are.
onlinepetfrog.com
Instead of buying their own pet frog, users would pay a fee, and I would buy them a frog and look after it. Users could log on anytime to a live webcam, see how their frog is doing, and send live requests for me to wave the frog’s hand at the camera or bang on the glass if it is sleeping.
whatkindofcoughisthat.com
A website that contains sound files of different coughs. Each cough would have a description to allow the user to sound match and determine the kind of cough they have before going to the chemist and buying either dry or wet cough medicine.
yourloungeroom.com
Users would be able take a photo of their lounge room and upload it to the site. Then I would tell them what furniture does not look good.
howdoigettowhereiam.com
This site would contain a link to the page the user is currently on.
whichonetowear.com
Users of this website would take photos of themselves wearing every combination of every article of clothing they own, then upload the images to a user database. Every day, instead of trying on clothing, the user can choose an outfit by simply viewing their choices online.
armbook.com
Similar to Facebook, but people upload photos of their arms.
deceasedlovedones.com
This would be a website where you pay a fee to join and are given your own web page with an empty blog. In the event of their death, users can write a message to their loved ones. Similar setup to prepaid funerals. Loved ones either can log on and check whether the user has left a message for them or can opt to receive an e-mail notifying them when a message has been left.
everyoneschair.com
A website where users can upload a picture of their chair and then if anyone tries to use it they can say, “That’s my chair.” And if anyone says, “Has it got your name on it?” users can send them a link to their photo of the chair, which will have the caption “This is (user’s name)’s chair.”
screensavingpage.com
A website that is a black page so that people can go there instead of buying a screensaver.
uploadyourscreen.com
A website where users take a screenshot of their computer screen and upload it so that when they are looking at porn and the boss walks past they can type in the link and go to it instead.
picturesofpegs.com
This website would contain pictures of pegs, allowing the users to have access to pictures of pegs whenever they need them.
amihavingaheartattack.com
A website for people having a heart attack.
Dear Blockbuster member, we want our DVDs back
I find it annoying to pay late fees on movies, and I am too lazy to return them on time, which leaves me simply complaining about it. I used to know a guy named Matthew who would sell me copies of the latest movies for five dollars each, but they were all recorded by someone in a cinema with what appeared to be a low-resolution webcam, and epilepsy. Several times during each movie the person would shift positions, or have people walk past in front, and one time filmed the chair in front of him for at least twenty minutes. Matthew’s statement was that he did not know the quality before he got them, but in one, the person filming answered his phone with “Hello, Matthew speaking,” and when I mentioned it to him, he stopped selling me movies.
From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 8 November 2009 2:16 p.m.
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: DVDs
Dear Megan,
Thank you for your letter regarding overdue fees. As all four movies were outstanding examples of modern cinematic masterpieces, your assumption that I would wish to retain them in my possession is understandable but incorrect. Please check your records, because these movies were returned, on time, more than three weeks ago. I remember specifically driving there and having my offspring run them in due to the fact that I was wearing shorts and did not want the girl behind the counter to see my white, hairy legs.
Regards, David
From: Megan Roberts
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 11:09 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: DVDs
Hi David. Our computer system indicates otherwise. Please recheck and get back to me.
Kind regards, Megan
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 11:36 a.m.
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: DVDs
Dear Megan,
Yes, they are definitely white and hairy. Viewed from the knees down, the similarity to two large albino caterpillars in parallel formation is frightening. People who knew what the word means might describe them as “piliferous,” although there is something quite sexy about that word, so perhaps they wouldn’t.
Regards, David
From: Megan Roberts
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 1:44 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: DVDs
Hi David
No I mean our records indicate that the DVDs have not been returned. Please check and return as soon as possible.
Kind regards, Megan
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 4:19 p.m.
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs
Dear Megan,
With the possible exception of Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, the movies were not worth watching, let alone stealing. In Logan’s Run, for example, the computer crashed at the end when presented with conflicting facts, and blew up, destroying the entire city. When my computer crashes I carry on a little bit and have a cigarette while it is rebooting. I don’t have to search through rubble for my loved ones. The same programmers probably designed the Blockbuster “returned or not” database.
Also, while one would assume the title Journey to the Center of the Earth to be a metaphor, the movie was actually set in the center of the earth, which, being a solid core of iron with temperatures exceeding 4,300˚C and pressures of 3,900 tons per square centimeter, does not seem very likely. Waterworld was actually pretty good, though.
My favorite bit was when they were on the water, but the scene when Kevin Costner negotiated for peace, ending the war between fish and mankind moments before the whale army attacked, was also very good.
Regards, David
From: Megan Roberts
Date: Tuesday 10 November 2009 3:57 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs
David
The DVDs are listed as not returned. If you cant locate the DVDs, you will be charged for the replacement cost.
Megan
From: David Thorne
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nbsp; Date: Tuesday 10 November 2009 5:12 p.m.
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs
Dear Megan,
