by David Thorne
Due to restrictive Australian gun laws, I do not have much experience with weapons, but I did construct my own bazooka when I was about ten using a length of pipe, a securely tightened end cap, a golf ball, and a three-to-one ratio of chlorine and brake fluid. While the design was flawless, the resulting broken collarbone from the kickback, and the two-inch hole through two plaster walls and a television set, brought a swift end to my foray into ballistic research and development.
Regards, David
From: Michael Harding
Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 2:09 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Censorship
David, this isn’t the first time we’ve received complaints regarding your website. You have until 5pm tomorrow to remove the article, and I’ll be checking your website regularly. You might not take this seriously, but I can assure you that we do.
Yours sincerely, Michael Harding
From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 3:18 p.m.
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship
Dear Michael,
I do indeed take the matter seriously and will attempt to facilitate your request by 5 p.m. tomorrow despite the fact that I am extremely busy this weekend. I need to bury the two dead backpackers I have in the spare room, as the smell is starting to attract suspicion. And local cats. It is a fairly large job, as one of the backpackers is American and will therefore require a hole several sizes larger than normal. On the plus side, the other is from England, which obviously means no dental records.
I could hire one of those mini bobcat tractors for the day but will probably just let the children out for a game of “Best digger gets food this week.” I am sick of hearing them say, “I want my parents” and “Please don’t lock me in the spare room again—it smells funny.” But many hands, no matter how small, make light work.
Also, I was watching Crime Stoppers last night and was wondering if you need anyone to play the perpetrators in crime re-enactments? I have several years’ acting experience convincing coworkers that I am listening and care about their relationship issues or what they did on the weekend while really thinking about robots or what would happen if a car made of diamond drove really fast into a wall made of diamond. I would prefer to play either a black professor or an Asian bus driver.
Regards, David
From: Michael Harding
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 10:26 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship
I suggest you spend the time deleting the page as you have been requested to do rather than writing about dead backpackers. What is wrong with you?
From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 2:02 p.m.
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship
Dear Mike,
My apologies for not getting back to you earlier, I was busy torching my vehicle. Did you know that if you report it stolen, the insurance company gives you money to buy a new one? I usually do this every eleven months, as it saves having to pay for an annual service.
I do not have dead backpackers in the spare room. I was just being silly. There is no space in there due to the hydroponics system, pots, and bags of nutrients. I read somewhere that it is OK to have up to three hundred and seventy marijuana plants for personal use. Correct me if I am wrong.
As I do not have a backyard and the plants take up most of the apartment, I sleep in a hammock stretched between two of the larger trunks. It is like sleeping in a jungle, and sometimes I imagine I am a baby monkey. Due to the twenty-four hour UV lighting, my electricity bill this month is nearly four thousand dollars, but I have an awesome tan.
In regards to the website, rather than deleting the article, I will amend it to be about cats. Is this acceptable to you?
Regards, David
From: Michael Harding
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 2:31 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship
It isn’t legal to grow even one plant which I’m sure you already know. Possession of less than 100g or one plant has been decriminalized but still carries a fine. Changing the page to be about cats is fine. I will be checking to see if it has been done by 5pm. I strongly suggest that you do so.
From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4:17 p.m.
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship
Dear Mike,
5 p.m. eastern standard time or ours?
Regards, David
From: Michael Harding
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4:41 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship
Ours. I’ve had enough of your nonsense. If the page is not removed or changed within the next 20 minutes I will be filing an order under the e-crimes act of 2006 to have the website shut down.
From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4:59 p.m.
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship
Done.
Cats an exciting investment opportunity
As there is no money in graphic design or writing, I have decided on a different career path and am inviting investors to participate in an exciting investment opportunity that promises guaranteed returns in a ready market.
Business Plan
$5,120 in raised capital is required. $5,000 of which is to purchase cats. The extra $120 will go toward purchasing a metal briefcase to put the cats in. Like the ones you see in movies. I have not decided on what kind of cats yet—but whatever young people are doing these days. I will then sell the cats at a profit, and investors will be offered the profits back.
I once drove two hours to buy cats for fifty dollars that turned out to be parsley, which I could have purchased from my local supermarket for around two dollars. This indicates not only a ready and willing market but also a mark-up of 2,400 percent on the initial investment.
I also once paid twenty dollars for cats, which had almost no effect. Many years later, I was told by the person who sold it to me that it was actually a dried-up raisin they had found under the couch and that they’d needed the money for cigarettes.
Return on Investment
Using the formula on the following page of 2,400 percent return, investors can expect a minimum $1,200 return on a $50 initial investment.
Holly’s guide to the exciting sport of tennis
Hello, my name is Holly, and I love playing tennis. Not with David, though, because he cheats. Once, while we were watching Jeopardy, he forgot to say “What is” before answering the question but gave himself a point, anyway. What is wrong with people? It isn’t that hard. Alex gives you the answer and you have to answer with the question. Playing by the rules makes it more fun for everyone. Play it properly or go watch the TV in the bedroom. I don’t care if it hasn’t got cable; it has the local channels. It’s your choice.
Introduction to Tennis
Considered by some a game and by others as the terrifying act of exercising by choice, tennis, invented in 1976, involves fun things to do with racquets and balls. You can swing a racquet. You can hit a ball. Tennis is also an exciting spectator sport that allows people to watch other people swing racquets and hit balls.
Each game lasts for approximately four hours. Three hours of this consists of picking up the balls so that you can hit them again with a racquet. The remaining hour is spent arguing. Variations of tennis include golf, hockey, and Slip ’n’ Slide.
Scoring
There are only four basic rules to scoring: If David hits the shot in, then it is out and you get a point. If David hits it out, then you get a point. If at any point David asks what the score is, his inability to pay attention means yo
u get three points. Hitting balls over the fence gives you a few minutes to relax while David collects them, and two points.
A standard scoring sequence consists of “Fifteen love, fifteen all, forty love. I win.” It would make more sense to just make it the first to four, but the game was invented by the British, who only discovered consecutive numeric sequencing following the 1982 release of XTC’s single “Senses Working Overtime.”
If David questions the accuracy of the score, this means he is cheating. Display disappointment at his inability to be trusted and point out that you should be used to his lies because of the time he told you the movie 28 Weeks Later was a romantic comedy.
Racquet Selection
It does not matter what brand or quality the racquet is, as long as it is pink. It is actually preferable that the racquet is not a recognized brand as this enables you to blame each lost point on it. Reiterate this to David by throwing the racquet in disgust several times per match, and when the racquet fails to return a shot, stare at the racquet with a look of disdain as if to say, “What the fuck, racquet? What are you doing? That wouldn’t have happened if you were the kind of racquet Andre Agassi uses.” After winning a point, point out the fact that not only was it a point won, but it was a point won with inferior equipment.
Clothing
Before each game, it is imperative to purchase a new outfit. Your top should match the sneakers and shorts should match the socks. If a headband is worn, it should match the racquet, which should match the top, sneakers, shorts, and socks. If David cannot locate his shorts, suggest he wear his yellow swimming trunks with the palm trees and starfish on them because it is just a game of tennis, nobody will be there to see him, and he is not Andre Agassi.
Preparation
Prior to each game, an injury description should be prepared. It does not need to be dependent on the outcome, because “You only won the game because of my possibly broken leg” works just as well as “I won despite my possibly broken leg.”
Serving
Every serve David makes is out. Being closer to the area that the ball was meant to be hit toward means your view is the only one that can be trusted and he just thought it was in because he is “looking at it from farther away and on the wrong angle.” All serves you make are in for exactly the same reason.
If David mentions that you are not wearing your glasses, state that your vision is clear enough to see through his lies.
Obstruction
Obstruction is an integral component of every tennis match. If David serves a ball that you simply cannot be bothered attempting to reach, calling out “obstruction” means the shot is void and must be made again. It doesn’t matter what the obstruction is, a stick nearby or a dog that you saw on the side of the road the previous day while driving to work will do. If David questions the validity of this rule, remind him that it is just a game and that he is not Andre Agassi.
Game Play
A winning shot should be accompanied by a small dance and admonishment if David does not agree the shot was possibly the greatest shot ever made in the history of not only tennis but all sports. A winning shot by David should be met with statements such as “The sun was in my eyes” or “Nobody likes you; you do realize that, don’t you?” and a look such as the one you use when you ask him to drive to the shop to get sour cream for the nachos and he comes back with a twelve pack of Bic lighters and a folding chair.
If you are losing the game, it is important that David realizes it is not because he is playing well, it is because you don’t care.
Standard procedures include:1. Hang on—David’s serving. I’ll put you on hold for a second.
2. Yes, I’m ready. Go ahead and serve.
3. Fuck this—I’m going home to watch Jeopardy.
Game, Set, Match
Convention dictates that players shake hands after the match, unless you have lost, in which case giving the finger is acceptable.
If you have won the match, request another. If you have lost, due to the racquet not being the kind Andre Agassi uses and your leg hurting, state that you wish to leave. Do not speak to David on the drive home.
Play the Dixie Chicks CD.
Bob the rocket scientist
AGL account there is no such thing as a portal
Usually when I get a bill, I put it on top of the fridge, figuring that if it isn’t red then it isn’t interesting enough to be opened. Other times, I grab the mail on my way out and open it while waiting at traffic lights. As was the case with an electricity bill for $766.05. It is not the largest bill I have ever received, but it was enough to make me do one of those double-takes like you see in cartoons and break out in a sweat. My first thought was to move and change my name. When I was about nine, I asked everyone to call me Ace because I liked the band Kiss, but they wouldn’t. Later, in my teens, I told someone my name was Renaldo because I thought it was funny, but unlike Ace, it stuck and lasted about two years longer than the five minutes I thought it was funny.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 16 August 2010 8:12 p.m.
To: [email protected]
Subject: Ref. 28941739
Dear Sir/Madam,
I have just received an account for the amount of $766.05. Up until this moment, my accounts have, on average, been around the one hundred and sixty dollar mark, and I doubt the Holtzman field portal experiments I am conducting in my spare room would account for this discrepancy.
Please correct this error immediately by typing in my reference number, clicking on the alarmingly large number, and moving the decimal point to the left. I don’t care how many places.
Regards, David
From: Allison Hayes
Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 9:26 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Ref. 28941739
Hello David, I have checked your account and the amount of $766.05 correctly corresponds with your usage of 3262 kWh peak and 1982 kWh off peak for the indicated supply period. I dont know what portal experiments are but perhaps it is why you are using more electricity than previously. Please call our toll free number on 1300 133 245 should you have any further inquiries about your account.
Sincerely, Allison Hayes
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 11:04 a.m.
To: Allison Hayes
Subject: Re: Re: Ref. 28941739
Dear Allison,
Thank you for explaining that the amount correctly corresponds with a number you have based it on. I already called that telephone number and spoke to a robot for several minutes.
While I’m sure you receive a predominantly positive response from those hearing the response “I’m sorry; I didn’t get that. Let’s try that again” repeated fifty times, I would rather be kicked in the head by a horse the size of ten horses all molded together into one big horse than dial that number ever again. It was incapable of directing me to the correct department despite my responding to each question with the word “exterminate” in a metallic voice.
During school holidays when I was about ten, I attempted to construct a robot from household appliances, which included a blender, an Atari 2600, and a vacuum cleaner. My intention was to have it completed before the holidays ended so that it could accompany me to school and kill Bradley McPherson, who had stolen my Casio calculator watch. After realizing that the project would entail actual engineering knowledge, and being told to “Clean up that fucking mess in the shed,” I instead told everyone at school that Bradley’s mum had told my mum that he had been born with both a penis and a vagina and had to wear special underpants to keep the two separated.
I also constructed an electric sword around this time after viewing an episode of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century where they fought with such. Connecting an electric car antenna to the house mains and holding it with a garden glove, I tested it on my sister’s cat. After dissembling the sword to hide all evidence and opening the windows in an attempt to air out the smel
l of burned hair and cooked flesh, I buried (the appropriately named) Sooty in the backyard. A week later, during a family barbecue, the dog dug her up.
While I cannot go into too much detail regarding my portal experiments—due to the fact that AGL representatives would probably visit me and touch my stuff and say things like, “We are watching you, buddy,”—I have attached a rough diagram that shows that more energy is produced than used, making it unlikely that this is why my account is five times its usual amount.
Regards, David
