We went downstairs, one trailing after the other still gripping hands, Aria in the middle and Tina in the back.
Coming into the living room was like one of those movies when you knew that people were talking about you because they all stopped talking at once and stared at you. It was just as awkward as they seemed in the movies too. Mrs. Delgado and Opal were near the kitchen entrance talking, and Trevor had come back with Kelly. Kelly?
She and Trevor were in the living room talking in whispers, sitting on the couch separated by a couch cushion, and she stood when she saw me.
“Dacey, I’m so sorry to hear about your...about what happened. I’ll let your professors know and our RA. You know how she can be.”
“What are you doing here?” It came out harsher than I intended.
“I’m sorry. I drove your car back for you. I thought maybe you’d be busy and may not have time to get it in the next few days. Instead of it sitting in the school parking lot or back at the dorm. I just thought...I’m sorry,” she trailed off, looking out of place and uncomfortable.
“No, I didn’t mean it like that. I was just shocked to see you, that’s all,” I apologized. “Thank you for my car. That was thoughtful of you.”
She seemed to breathe a small sigh of relief at this and smiled a little. “I don’t want to intrude. I just wanted to give my condolences before I left.”
“I’m going to take her back to the dorm, babe, since she drove your car. Is that okay?” he asked consent.
“Sure,” I shrugged.
I was still holding hands with Aria and Tina. Tina made a noise in the back of her throat that only I could hear, and I shot her a look that said, “I couldn’t deal with her and Trevor’s shit right now.” I was little busy having a family crisis. She got the message loud and clear as she gave me an apologetic smile.
Trevor gave a slight frown at Tina but came over and kissed me on the cheek before ushering a somber-looking Kelly out the door, saying he would be back shortly.
Mr. Jones, Mrs. Damson, Mrs. Elliot, and old man Simmons from our street were scattered around the living room and made a path for us as we made our way to sit on the couch that Trevor and Kelly and just vacated. As we settled on the couch, with Aria still in the middle, Aria mumbled something about how we were on display now, and I had to agree. The house was quiet, as people waited for us so they could give their condolences about our parents, and we had to just sit there and endure it. I knew that it was the polite and traditional thing to do, but I still didn’t want to do it.
Mrs. Elliot was first. “I’m so sorry, girls. Your parents will be greatly missed,” she said. She lived in the house closest to us and was closer to my parents’ age. She was a widow, so she knew what it was like. She gave us a sad look before saying she would be back by tomorrow, and then left.
Old man Simmons was next, and if it wasn’t such a sad scene, it would have been comical. Old man Simmons was very hard of hearing and was about the same age as Aunt Opal but looked twice as old and stood hunched over a little.
“I’M SORRY, GIRLS. YOUR DADDY ALWAYS MOWED MY LAWN!” he screamed. With the stark silence of the room, Mr. Simmons startled everyone when he yelled.
“Thank you,” I said, trying to look him in the eye so he knew I was talking to him.
“WHAT’S THAT?” He tilted his head to the side like he did when he didn’t hear what someone said.
“Thank you, Mr. Simmons.” Aria tried this time.
“HUH?” He leaned closer, looking between Aria and me.
“THANK YOU!” Aria and I both shouted in unison, causing everyone in the house to look our way, wide-eyed.
Mr. Simmons seemed to hear us finally and then smiled, leaning back. Then he looked over at Opal, tipped his head, and made his way out the door.
“All this yellin’ is liable to wake the dead,” Opal said without thinking.
As soon as she said the words, she looked shameful and went to apologize but Aria burst out into a fit of giggles. Everyone looked at her, which made her giggles turn into full-out laughter, so much so that she had to cover her mouth. She tried to apologize but could only get out a few words.
“I’m sor...I’m sor...I can’t...” She looked at me helplessly.
I stood up and grabbed her arm to take her upstairs. “I’m going to take her upstairs. I think this is just too much for her. I’m sorry, everyone,” I apologized.
As I headed back upstairs with a still-laughing Aria and Tina on my heels, I heard Opal ushering out a protesting Mrs. Damson.
“Now I don’t care nothin’ ’bout what you want to give, Carol Damson. My girls have had enough for one day.”
“But it’s tradition,” she sputtered.
I didn’t hear what was said next, but I heard the door close and Opal mutter about Mrs. Damson being “uppity.”
When I got Aria in the room, she was still laughing but not as hard and was able to actually talk.
“I’m sorry. I just couldn’t take it anymore. It’s like we are on display or something in some kind of fucked-up death museum,” she repeated her earlier sentiment.
“Since when do you use that kind of language?” It was more of my thing, and even then, not in our parents’ house.
“That’s what you focused on, really?” She had a point, but my brain was so cluttered from the day’s events, it was the easiest thing to focus on.
“Well, she has a point.” Tina sat down on my old bed.
“Who?” we asked at the same time.
“Both.” Tina was not affected by our talking in unison like everyone else seemed to be.
“Aria is eighteen. She can say what she wants.”
Aria gave me a smug smile and flopped down on her bed, like Tina had just given her permission to run away and get married.
“And you, cut your sister some slack. She is dealing with a lot,” Tina shot at Aria, whipping the smug look off her face.
“Whose side are you on anyway, Jussy?”
“Both of you.”
“Look, why don’t we all just relax. It’s been a long day, and we have an even longer one tomorrow,” I said.
“What’s tomorrow?” Aria asked, worriedly.
“Tomorrow is when the whole town comes. With food.”
“’Cause nothing says ‘sorry for your loss’ better than a million casseroles,” Tina said, humorlessly.
Aria mumbled under her breath, something that sounded like “Suck my life.” My brain wasn’t that cluttered to know what she actually said. I dismissed her new character trait and chalked it up to the beginnings of an A-1 meltdown. Who could blame her? I had a few choice words for today myself, and given the chance, I would let them fly.
It was almost seven o’clock in the evening, and I was exhausted from crying all day. I wondered idly if Trevor had brought in my clothes before taking Kelly back to the dorms. I wanted a bath and a change of clothes.
“So who’s the Barbie the lump was with?” Tina asked nonchalantly.
“Oh, that was Kelly.”
She raised her eyebrows to me in question, and when I didn’t respond any further, she pounded her fist on the bed in exasperation.
“Dime!” she exclaimed, demanding in Spanish that I tell her.
“She’s this girl from my dorm, and she is also in my creative writing class. We hung out like once, and she did a favor for Trevor once. Now she just seems to be everywhere. She’s not so bad in small doses.”
Tina narrowed her eyes at me, as if to inspect the words that just left my mouth. “Hum, so is she friends with you or the lump?”
“Both, I guess, although she befriended him first.”
“Interesting.”
“What’s interesting?”
“It just is.”
I was about to push the issue more when we heard a soft snoring coming from Aria’s bed. I hadn’t even realized she had lain back and fallen asleep. I went over and got the extra blanket from the foot of my old bed and placed it on top of her.
“Thanks, Mom,” she mumbled, in her sleep.
“Think she will be okay?” Tina asked as I sat back down on the bed across from her.
“I don’t know,” I sighed.
“Are you going to be okay?” She bumped my foot with hers.
“I don’t know,” I said truthfully. “I have to be, don’t I? For Aria’s sake, I can’t fall apart. She needs me.”
“Yeah, but it’s okay if you do. You know that, right?”
I nodded, but I didn’t think so. I had to be there for Aria. She needed me. She came to me for everything, and I was her big sister. When Jason Spencer broke up with her in the eighth grade, she had come home and cried in my arms for hours. I had told her that she would be okay because it was only eighth grade and way too young for a commitment. And then we had dance-partied it out, and she had been fine. I had fixed it. I had always fixed it. But I didn’t know how to fix this.
There was a knock on the door, and Mrs. Delgado poked her head in.
“Aria, Trevor’s back. He’s downstairs waiting.” She noticed Aria fast asleep on her bed and continued in a whisper, “Justina, come and eat, hija, and you too, Dacey.”
We closed the door behind us quietly and went downstairs. The only people in the kitchen were Aunt Opal and Trevor, who stood up and came over to hug me as soon as I came down the back stairs into the kitchen.
“How are you?”
“Tired.” I hugged him tighter.
“You’ve had a long day. I have your things.” I saw my duffel bag on the floor next to the door and nodded my thanks.
“You should eat something first, Dacey,” Mrs. Delgado cut in.
“You haven’t eaten yet?” Trevor asked with a frown.
“No, I’ve been a little preoccupied,” I snapped. I felt guilty immediately after I said it, but I didn’t apologize.
“I’m sorry, babe. I just feel so helpless, and I worry.”
“I know. Don’t mind me, I’m just tired and—”
“No, it’s okay. I get it.” The doorbell rang, and Mrs. D went to answer it and came back in the kitchen a minute later with Mr. Eugene.
Mr. Eugene came over to me and placed a hand on my shoulder. “Dacey, you hanging in there?”
“Yeah. You remember Trevor.” I turned to introduce the two in order to deflect the attention off of me.
“I do, as he works for me, although I had hoped to meet him in a different kind of social setting.” He shook Trevor’s outstretched hand.
“Nice to meet you again, sir.”
“I’m Tina, Dacey’s best friend.” Tina came over and introduced herself.
“Justina, your mother has told me wonderful things about you. It’s great that you can be here for Dacey. She will need someone like you by her side as she gets through this trying time.” He took her hand and shook it.
Tina glanced at me and gave me a look as if to say “smooth isn’t the word.”
He turned his attention to Aunt Opal. “Opal, my dear, are you ready? I expect you want to be here first thing in the morning?”
“You expect right. Those people going to be in and out all day.” She came over to kiss me on the cheek and told me that she would be back in the morning.
“Thanks, Auntie. I love you.”
“Love you too, chile.”
She and Mr. Eugene left, and that left Mrs. D, Tina, Trevor, and me sitting around the kitchen in an awkward silence.
“Well, Dacey, we are going to sleep. We are getting up early as to help with everything,” Mrs. D said.
“Oh, you don’t have to do that, really.”
“It’s nothing, really. Justina, you’re sleeping with me. Vamos.” She gave no room for a rebuttal from Tina and ushered her down the hall and to the guest bedroom, leaving Trevor and me alone.
We went into the living room to sit on the couch. I lay down and put my head in his lap. He began running his fingers through my hair, relaxing me.
“What am I going to do without my mom?” I cried silently.
“I don’t know, baby. I wish I could do something for you.”
“You’re doing it. Just be here. That’s it. I don’t know if I could do this alone.”
“You’re not alone, and I’m not going anywhere, babe.”
I laid like that, with him stroking my hair, until I fell asleep.
Chapter 10
I was four, and it was sunny. I was being pushed on my bike by my dad, and he was smiling and laughing. That’s how I knew I was dreaming. We were outside of our house on the sidewalk, and it was my first time trying to ride my bike without training wheels..
“That’s it. Pedal, baby. Keep going. Keep going.”
“Like this, Daddy?”
He was smiling so proudly. “Keep going, baby. I’m going to go and check on your sister.”
“Sissy?” I asked, confused.
“Yeah, you’re a big sister. You have to look out for her, you know.”
“Okay, Daddy.”
He pushed me and let me go on the bike. I was slow going at first, but I pedaled and pedaled and made my way to the end of the sidewalk without falling over once. I looked back to see if he had seen my accomplishment, but he was gone.
“Daddy?” I looked around frantically. “Daddy?” I cried out.
“Babe, wake up.” Trevor shook me awake.
It was dark in the living room, and I was laying in his lap still. It took me a moment to realize I had been dreaming. Then it took me another moment to realize what I had been dreaming and why.
“That was...bizarre,” I breathed out.
“You were crying.”
“Was I?” I didn’t remember that.
“You called out for your dad. It was heartbreaking.”
The dream was already starting to fade, but I remembered being so happy in it and that he had said I had needed to look after my sister. I sat up on the couch and rubbed my temples, a headache forming. It was still dark outside and, looking through the window at the horizon, I guessed it had to be around three o’clock in the morning. I still needed a shower, and I wanted to go and check on Aria to make sure she was okay.
“Where are you going?” Trevor asked.
“I want a shower. Plus, I want to check on A.”
“She came down about an hour ago to get something to drink, then went back upstairs.”
“Did she seem okay to you?” I asked, concerned.
He looked at me helplessly and shrugged his shoulders. “She seemed as okay as she could be given the situation.”
“Did she say anything?”
“No. She didn’t even look this way.”
I got up to go upstairs. “I’m going to go and take a shower and check on her. You staying here or going home?”
“What do you want me to do?”
“I want you to stay,” I said selfishly.
“Then I’m staying. I’ll be here when you get back.” He took off his shoes and stretched out on the couch.
I went to Aria’s room first to find her fast asleep under her blanket, snoring softly. I walked over to her and sat softly on her bed. I moved a piece of her hair that had fallen into her face.
She stirred. “Daddy?” she asked.
I froze, scared to move any more for fear she would think I was him.
She began to wake fully. “Dacey?”
“Yeah, it’s me. Go back to sleep. I was just checking on you.”
“I saw Daddy,” she said sleepily.
I knew she was probably referring to a dream she just had. “I did too,” I confessed.
“Dacey,” she moaned.
“Go back to sleep.” I didn’t want her to start getting upset and be up the rest of the morning, especially when we had such a long day ahead of us.
“It’s my fault they are gone.” She said, starting to cry.
“Shhh. No, it’s not. They got in a car crash. It happens.”
“You don’t understand.”
“We can talk about thi
s later. Go back to sleep. Just forget it. It’s not like it will bring them back.”
She turned over in her bed and faced the wall, effectively ending our conversation. She never turned her back on me. Even when she was mad at me, she never turned her back on me. She preferred to shoot me dirty looks to let me know she was mad rather than not look at me.
I got up and went to take a hot shower. I stayed in there a long time, savoring the alone time and trying to analyze what I remembered from my dream. I should have known it was a dream. It couldn’t have been a memory because Wally had never given me a bike, and he sure as hell never taught me to ride one. And his smile—what I wouldn’t give for him to have smiled like that for me in real life. Now it was too late to ever have that. Dad had said for me to be a big sister, I think. And where was Mom in all of this? It was all so confusing, but then again, weren’t dreams supposed to be?
By the time I got out of the shower, my brain was so overrun with thoughts, I didn’t even notice that an hour had gone by. I went back downstairs to find Trevor fast asleep on the couch, arms behind his head and feet sticking off the other end of the couch. I went over to him and kissed him lightly on the lips.
“Hey, you okay?” he asked sleepily.
“Can you hold me?”
“Come here.” He opened his arms, and I climbed on top of him, my head on his chest, and he circled his arms tightly around me.
“Tighter,” I commanded.
“Dac, you okay?” He hesitated.
“I just need a really tight hug. Can you squeeze tighter?”
Without saying anything else, he squeezed tighter and I let out a heavy sigh.
“That’s good. I just needed my island.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
I couldn’t fall asleep, so we just lay like that until dawn. Then I heard a car door outside in the driveway and got up to inspect. “Fucking great,” I whispered to myself.
Mick was getting out of his new-edition Cadillac SRX Crossover. Leave it to him even in a crisis to get the most expensive rental on the lot.
“Who is it?” asked Trevor.
“Now’s your chance to meet the devil incarnate.” I went to open the door before Mick had a chance to ring the bell so that he wouldn’t wake everyone up. “Hey, Mick.”
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