by Ada Frost
I went into the kitchen to find the men sat chatting about interest rates and savings bonds. My mind automatically zoned out and I started clearing the dirty dishes and scraping leftovers into the bin.
Louise came back down the stairs with a huge smile on her face. “I’m going out for a bit, Darren is picking me up.” She turned and left the room before anyone answered her. I was beginning to worry about her on/off relationship with the elusive Darren.
“She’s such an idiot, can she not see he’s using her for what’s between her legs. He definitely won’t be calling her when she’s the size of a fucking whale” Elliott laughed.
“It’s his baby...maybe he wants –“
Elliott snapped his attention towards me and leveled me with an intense glare “He wants what? Saddled with a kid he didn’t even want? Whilst she’s spreading it for nothing, why offer more?” I winced and looked in the direction Lou had gone, dreading Darren saw her the same way Elliott did.
“Elliott come on...he could have warmed to idea of been a dad.” Dominic offered.
“Yeah right and you didn’t dump Vanessa as soon as she started talking marriage and kids”
Dominic’s posture stiffened, he sat straighter in his chair squared his shoulders “That’s completely fucking different and you know it, you tit!”
“How’s it different? You were happy when she was an easy lay without having to offer more, as soon as she wanted the ring you bailed on her”
“God you really are a twat sometimes” Dominic snapped.
“Truth hurts little bro,” he said smugly sitting back in his chair with his arms folded across his chest. I agreed with Dominic, Elliott was in a seriously disagreeable mood tonight and I had a feeling it was my fault.
A chair scrapped across the floor when I looked up I saw Johan was standing offering Elliott a condescending smile. “Well thanks for inviting me along, but I’m going to head home now. Dominic you ready man?”
Dominic nodded giving me a solemn smile.
“Thank you for coming” I smiled but I couldn’t hide the quiver in my voice. I wanted to kneel on the floor and beg them both to stay and not leave me alone with Elliott, but I stood rooted to the spot as the man of my nightmares showed them both to the door.
My hands started shaking as I turned and gripped the counter top. My body hummed with dread as I sensed the impending argument that was sure to follow. I picked the dishcloth up from the draining board and started wiping at the worktop.
I heard him come back into the kitchen, inside my body was on high alert but I tried to appear calm and relaxed.
Elliott sat back down in the same chair. From my peripheral vision I saw him take a swig of beer from his bottle and place it back down. He was staring at my back; I could feel his eyes watching my every move.
“Did you have a good night?” He asked his voice eerily calm.
“Y-yeah. Did you?”
“Hmm”
I didn’t turn around, I couldn’t look at him. If I turned he would instantly see my trepidation and that would be an instant catalyst. The silence stretched and I felt like if I didn’t speak he would be able to hear the pounding of my heart.
“Everyone seemed to enjoy the fireworks, Ellie was a little –“
“How the fuck would you know? You were in here with lover boy.” He snapped and I knew instantly I would regret not staying silent. “Come on let’s hear it. The shitty excuses where you tell me nothing happened; he’s just a friend and all that bollocks”
“He is a friend” I whispered.
“You really think I'm that idiot don’t you? I’m just like your idiot of a sister, staying round for the scraps because I love you that fucking much. Well do you know what...” He stood but I still didn’t turn round “LOOK AT ME!” He shouted making me jump. I slowly turned to face him just as his arm reared back and he launched his beer bottle at me. I quickly lifted my hands to protect my face as the bottle hit me with shattering force against my shoulder. I yelped out as the glass cracked against the bone, but it didn’t smash until it hit the floor. I winced as the glass shattered all around my feet, and held my shoulder.
“You fucking bitch, look what you did. It’s always like this with you. Why the fuck do you make me like this? I give you EVERYTHING, and all you do is throw it back in my face”
“I don’t –“ I shook my head
“Don’t argue with me. I saw the way you looked at him; he had his hands all over you. In front of everyone, you didn’t even try and hide it. What? Does it make the sex better to make me look like a fucking prick?” His face was getting redder by the minute and he was shouting so loud my ears hurt.
I shook my head.
“Did you like his hands on you?” He lurched forward grabbing me by the shoulders. Nipping at my skin. I could barely breath I was in such a state of alarm. He grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled hard. I couldn’t help crying out.
“You let him touch what is mine, and I can’t have that.” His voice lowered to a menacing growl. And that scared me more than all of the shouting. He turned at his hips looking, searching the kitchen for – something. I watched where he looked to gage what he might be searching for. He let go of me and stepped towards the sink and opened the cutlery draw. He had his back to me so I couldn’t see what he was doing but when he turned around my usual silent resolve broke and I pleaded with him when I saw what he was holding.
“No! No don’t, please no, I'm begging you I'm sorry, I didn’t –“
“It’s too fucking late you little slut. I'm sick of teaching you the same fucking lesson. You. Are. Mine!” He clicked his fingers and motioned for me to stand before him. When I shook my head and stepped back, he lunged for me grabbing a fistful of hair causing me to slip on the glass. I fell to my knees and cried out landing on the bottle fragments. He held me to the floor by my hair. I sliced my hands trying to gain traction and stop my face from meeting the floor. I openly cried and begged him not to do what I knew he was about to do, but he gripped my hair tighter and I sobbed with pain.
“I'm sorry” I cried.
“Not as sorry as you will be,” he said before taking the scissors and hacking roughly at my hair. For the first time in what felt like forever I fought back, I scratch at his hands and pushed from my knees trying to get him away from me, I felt the scissors pierce the skin at my neck as the first shreds of hair fell by my face, I screamed and flailed my arms pulling and fisting at anything I could to try and dislodge him, my position on the floor was a certain disadvantage, he fully covered me with his body to overpower me, my face crunched onto the glass when it hit the floor, but I still fought at him.
“You fucking...bitch.” He spat, he pressed his knee into my cheek and held me down to the floor. The position I was in now left no room to move. My face, chest and hands were pinned to the floor covered in broken glass, hair stuck to the tears on my face. All I could do was listen to the snip of scissors, the scrape of metal against my chestnut hair. I whimpered, watching helplessly as long curls of my hair mixed with the bloodied shattered glass on the floor. I felt the endless hacking and tugging of my hair, strand after strand fluttering to the floor.
My body numbed after a while to the pain, to the endless frustrated grunts as he pulled at chunks of my hair but the scissors weren’t sharp enough to cut through the thickness so he hacked and hacked until he either pulled the hair out or it snapped under the duress. I stopped crying and lost sense of time. I felt the grip on my hair loosen and the anger dissolve from Elliott. He shuffled to his knees beside me. He dropped the scissors, I watched as the silver blades bounced on the floor as if in slow motion. After an eternity I began to sit up. My muscles protesting, glass fell from my face while some remained imprinted into my face.
“I'm sorry, God Eve...angel...I am so...so fucking sorry. You make me crazy.” He panted, his chest heaving. He kissed my temple. I pushed at his shoulders. I looked into his eyes when I was arms length away and a shudder passed throu
gh me at the empty blues staring back at me.
I hate you I wanted more than my next breathe to scream at him. Tears brimmed in my eyes but I refused to allow him the satisfaction of seeing them.
“I need to clean this up before Lou gets home.” I said in a dead tone.
“Angel –“
“Leave...please” I felt nothing, part of me wished for the unconscious state he usually left me in, rather than the bleak emptiness I now suffered. He had taken and broken absolutely everything about me. He had finally broken my spirit; I looked down at the floor and stared at the scissors and glass. How easy it would be to lift them and slice the pain away, bleed out and release me from a world that seemed intent on destroying me. But he had made certain I could never leave, running away was never to be an option because it left my siblings vulnerable to him.
I pulled away when his hand touched my arm.
“What?” He snapped “you make me out to be a fucking animal I’m not going to hurt you I want to hold you, you’re my fucking girlfriend.”
I could have laughed in his face at the absurdity of his words. I looked up at him through my mangled hair and jutted out my jaw in a rare show if defiance. He couldn’t do anything worse than he already had.
“I said I was sorry. This was your fault, so don’t look at me that way”
When I continued to stare at him his eyes changed, I couldn’t decipher if it was anger or – fear. But that would be ridiculous to think he would be afraid of the broken pitiful woman sat on the floor in front of him.
“You make...stop looking at me like that”
I lifted my chin further and stared at him, I knew my eyes were emotionless because I felt empty inside. He had shredded my final piece, I felt manic, and I almost wanted him to react, to take the final step to finishing me. He had taken everything from me and I hated him for it, but worse I hated myself more for being so weak and allowing it. I desired the peace that closing my eyes and not waking would bring.
“Please leave” I whispered.
“What?”
“I said –“
“I heard what you fucking said. Since when do you tell me what to do?” He growled.
“Since...since it’s not okay...to do...this” I wheezed out. For the first time in years I finally felt proud of myself, I felt like I had –
A large hand crashed into the side of my face, the impact causing my head to collide with such force against the kitchen cupboard I saw a flash of light before I saw – nothing.
Chapter 15
Monday morning I sat stiffly at my desk, trying not to admit to the pain that was encompassing my body. I closed my eyes as I eased myself onto my chair, breathing through it, okay so right about now I did look as if I was in the early stages of labour but so be it. I gritted my teeth as my sore backside made contact with the cushion. I placed my palms face down on the desk to steady the waves pulsating through my body.
Friday Elliot was wild; I had pushed him way past his level of control. He had practically held me captive the entire weekend; he had text Lou from my phone asking if we could have the house to ourselves for the weekend to ‘catch-up’. I had managed to cover some of the cuts and bruises to my face with a little concealer but most were too prominent to hide and my hair was slicked back with so much hair product my head ached.
The attack had been savage and brutal; the last thing I recall was colliding with the kitchen cupboard, which I might add is currently off the hinges hidden under my bed because it has a big dint in it. When I regained consciousness it had taken over an hour for me to drag my body to the bathroom to see the damage he had inflicted this time. Staring at my reflection sickened me; my entire body was an array of purples, blues. My face was covered in blood and cuts from the glass, my lips were split and my mouth tasted metallic from all the blood. I cried when I felt the soreness between my legs and knew instantly that again he had taken me there. As I wiped at myself with a cool flannel I sobbed at what destruction he caused my body. I was always thankful that when he was inside of me I was always passed out, but my body betrayed me to allow me to remember him afterwards. Cuts, bruises and breakages were nothing compared to the pain and utter devastation of having your body violated in that way. I had stared at the vile reflection looking back at me, the weak pathetic ugly mess of a woman. My hair was a matted mess of glass, blood and dismembered strands. I wished to be beautiful, he wouldn’t do this if I was, and he wouldn’t want to spoil the outer shell if I could be a little pretty. He would want to protect and love me. Not that I had any love for him, maybe this was to punish me for not loving him. Other women wanted him, other women had had him, he was what other people thought of as handsome, but I only saw the ugliness beneath.
A tear escaped my closed eyes and I swiped at it angrily. I couldn’t do that here, not where
Dominic was. I had never been to work before in this much agony, and with so many physical reminders. Elliott had never struck me before and left a bruise or mark on public view, he was extremely vigilant with where marks would appear. I swiped at another tear when I heard the outer lab door open and close as the inner door into the lab opened. There were two doors to enter for fire and contamination reasons. I sucked in a breath and waited to see who it was and if they would come past my office. I prayed it would be one of the analysts that generally ignored me, but as usual no one was listening to my prayers.
“Morning beautiful.” shouted Johan as he passed the door, his white lab coat catching my eye. “Morning.” I croaked and gritted my teeth when my ribs protested at the movement. I gripped at the table, a wave of nauseating dizziness passed through me. I couldn’t move without causing more torture to my sore body.
I could hear Johan in the changing area whistling away, his usual happy buoyancy did nothing to lift my spirits today.
“So guess who I had dinner...wow you look like hell?” He paused in the door way. Half smiling, half concerned. “What have you done to your face?” He asked stepping closer.
“I'm –“ I gritted my teeth as explosions blasted through my body winding me “fine. I'm fine.”
“What the fuck. No, Eve, you are not fine.” He quickly came to my side and crouched beside me. I tried to compose myself but what happened next destroyed all hope of retaining my composure. He lifted his hand and softly placed it on my shoulder, but because my eyes were closed I didn’t expect it and jumped sending a rippling effect through my body and I screamed out in agony.
“Jesus fucking Christ!” He shot back falling to his backside, but almost as quickly scrambled to his feet. “Tell me what happened Eve. Were you in an accident, why are you...for fucks sake...I need to get you to the hospital.”
As I gasped for breath trying to control my body I choked out “I'm fine.”
“The hell you’re fine, Eve you can hardly breath.” He snapped, I could hear the agitation in his voice and that scared me.
“Please don’t be angry.” I whispered. And curled my body the best I could away from him.
“Angry – .” He echoed. Then his entire demeanour changed “Oh God no! Please –“Johan momentarily close his eyes. He seemed to be warring with something inside himself. After a minute or two passed he snapped his eyes open, took his lab coat off and threw it on my desk “Right come on. I'm sorry but this is the only way, otherwise I call an ambulance.”
“What?”
“I'm going to carry you to my car, no one will see us, there’s only you and me here, and I’m taking you to the hospital. Refuse and I call an ambulance. Then I tell Dominic once I’ve kicked his ass for letting his brother use you as a punching bag because that’s who I'm assuming did this.”
I sucked in a breath and started to shake my head. Shocked he would say such a thing, and more shocked at his correct assumption.
“I was four years old when I saw my own fucking father kick the life out of my mother. The last memory I have of her is her lying in a pool of her own blood on the bedroom floor, so don’t tell me
this is not another bastard talking with his fists.”
Tears streamed down my face at the anguish in Johan’s usually sunny eyes. “I...”
“This is going to hurt, I'm sorry but I can’t do it any other way.” He slid his arm around my back and the other under my knees. I tried and failed not to cry out as he lifted me into his arms. “I promise I’ll take care of you, I’ve not a fucking clue how you got to work in this state.”
“Take me to your house...not the hospital...please Johan.” I begged. He tried to maneuver me
through the building to his car without hurting me but spiraling pain shot through and as usual my body reacted the only way it knew how and I blacked out.
****
“I can’t sleep in your bed.” I said groggily when I realised where I was. Johan took me back to his house, like I asked. I think I scared him with the desperation in my voice. I was laid on his bed; I knew this because I was surrounded by his scent.
I heard a jingling in the distance.
“Is that your phone?” I asked sleepily.
“Yeah, I’ll ring them back later.” He whispered back, as I yawned I felt him brushing a piece of my hair behind my ear. “Go to sleep now beautiful girl. I’ll not leave you I promise.”
*****
I awoke sometime later, it was getting dark outside. Johan was still there by my side; he’d kept his promise and not left me. His eyes were closed and as I watched I saw how much younger he appeared when he was asleep. At twenty eight, he did look younger than his years normally, but asleep he looked angelically young. Almost like a teenage boy. He’d been so sweet today and caring and not once did he demand I act on what Elliot had done to me, he never judged or forced me he simply held my hand and offered his presence as a comfort. I’m sure the lecture was to come once I recuperated; the problem was how did I excuse what he’d seen? How could I explain that I was with a man I despised but feared more than death? Remembering what he had said as we were leaving the office about his mum broke my heart, the fact he had watched his own father beat her. A scared little innocent Johan cowering away somewhere was so devastating.
