Crazy, Hot Love

by K. L. Grayson

  Claire starts shaking her head, but I keep talking, needing to get it all about before she says anything else.

  “God, Claire, I was already outside. I knew they sent him in to find me, and I could’ve spoken up, but I was scared. I was a coward. And I’ll never forgive myself, because your dad went into that building one last time because of me, and he never came back out.” The words get clogged in my throat, and I cover my face with my hands.

  Claire inches closer, resting her hand on my back. “Trevor,” she whispers, repeating my name a second time when I don’t look up. “Trevor, that’s not how it happened.”

  “Yes, it is,” I say, pushing up from the couch to pace. “I saw it all play out from the bleachers. I heard them tell your dad to go back in. I should’ve hollered and jumped, run up to the chief—anything—but all I could think was that I didn’t want to get caught. I didn’t want my parents to find out I was smoking, so I stayed hidden. At some point during the chaos, I snuck into a crowd of kids and pretended I’d been there the whole time.”

  Stopping in front of Claire, I watch her, waiting for her to lash out and tear into me. I think I need it. I need her to tell me I’m a coward and she’ll never forgive me for what I did. What I don’t need is for her to stare at me like she is now: speechless, with more love and heartache in her eyes than I’ve ever seen reflected back at me.

  “Say something,” I whisper, falling to my knees in front of her. “Tell me you hate me. Tell me I’m a coward, something.”

  She doesn’t. Claire shakes her head as tears fall down her face, and I don’t bother wiping them away because I don’t deserve that privilege. I don’t deserve to touch her. And now that my feelings have bubbled to the surface, I can’t seem to keep them from boiling over.

  “I was a coward, Claire, and I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I would never ask that of you, but I want you to know I would give anything to go back to that day and change things. I’d give up my life if I could take it back.” My voice cracks on the last word, and I can’t keep it in any longer. My bottom lip trembles, and tears flow down my cheeks. I wipe them away, but they keep coming.

  “I should’ve told you sooner. I should’ve come clean and—” I choke back a sob. “I’m so sorry. These words are pointless. They don’t bring back your father, but I don’t know what else to say. Tell me what to say, Claire. Tell me what to do.” Dropping my chin to my chest, I swallow past the giant lump in my throat. “I’m sorry, Claire. I’m sorry.”

  “Stop, Trevor.” Cupping my jaw in her soft hands, she lifts my face. “Please, stop saying that. Remember when you told me I wasn’t allowed to apologize to you for pulling me out of that fire?”

  I nod, unsure if I can form words without losing my shit.

  “This is the same thing. You didn’t kill my father, Trevor. He died doing what he loved. He died doing what he was trained to do. But he did not die because of you. The building collapsed, trapping him, but that wasn’t your fault.”

  Did she not hear a word I said? “But I was out of the building, Claire.” Pulling her hands from my face, I scoot back. She’s not thinking clearly, and once she realizes what I’m telling her, she’ll hate me.

  “Yes, you were, and I’m so glad, because if you’d been in the building that day, something might’ve happened to you, and I can’t imagine a world where you don’t exist, Trevor.”

  “You’re not listening to me.”

  “You’re not listening to me.” Her voice demands every bit of my attention. “He didn’t go back in because he thought there was someone still in there.”

  “But I heard them. I heard the men talking…”

  “I wasn’t there, Trevor, so I don’t know what you heard, but I’ve read the report, and I’ve talked to my dad’s crew who were with him that day, and I promise you he did not go back into that building because of you.”

  I don’t understand. “Then why?”

  “Did you know my dad was an arson investigator?”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  She nods. “He was. The report says the final sweep of the building was all clear, and the structure was deemed safe. My dad went back into the school to begin his investigation.”

  This is all too much. I stand up, pushing my fingers into my hair while I pace the room. Tears burn my eyes, but I look up at the ceiling and squeeze them shut. For thirteen years I’ve carried this around with me. I’ve lost sleep over it, and I’ve let it eat at me. To find out everything I thought to be true is something entirely different—that’s a little overwhelming.

  “Then why do I remember hearing them say they were missing a kid?”

  Claire shakes her head. “I don’t know. The reports didn’t say anything about a missing kid. That day was hectic. There were children and adults crying and screaming, and people running all over. Who knows what you heard. And you were only twelve at the time, Trevor. It’s possible you misunderstood the situation, or maybe over the years that memory has been skewed.”

  “Maybe, but I…”

  I don’t know what to say. For years I’ve hated myself for that. It’s the reason I’ve kept Claire at arm’s length. It’s also the reason I’ve kept a protective eye on her from afar—almost like it was my duty to watch out for her and somehow repay my debt.

  “It wasn’t your fault, Trevor, and I hate that you’ve lived with this for so long. I barely survived living with my guilt for a few weeks, and you’ve been battling it for over a decade.”

  I never told a soul—not my best friends, siblings, or even my parents. I was too ashamed. For years it consumed me, and as I struggled to become the man I am today, there were many nights I lost myself in the bottle or the arms of a willing woman. Other days I was able to cope, but no matter what, it was always there.

  When I was eighteen, my career choice slammed into me with enough force to rock my life off its axis. I had a nightmare—the same one I’d been having for years. I was crouched behind the bushes, watching the firefighters fight the flames, but instead of the scene unfolding, a hand grabbed the back of my shirt and yanked me to my feet.

  “Don’t just sit there,” a man yelled, tossing me toward the group of firefighters. “Get off your ass and help us.”

  That man was Claire’s dad.

  And that dream changed my life forever.

  It wasn’t until I completed my training and became a full-time firefighter that I really learned the risks you have to be prepared to take every time you run into a burning building. But I promised himself I’d always be ready to take them, to pay forward the sacrifice Claire’s dad made for me.

  The guilt lessened after that, but it never quite went away, and now I’m not sure how I’m supposed to let go of something I’ve carried around with me for so long.

  “You have me,” Claire whispers.

  I blink, completely unaware that I said that out loud.

  “It’s not going to get better overnight—isn’t that what you told me? So let me help you. Let’s release your hold on that guilt, and day by day, we’ll let it go.”

  Her words soothe my soul in a way nothing and no one ever has, and little by little, I feel the burden lifting from my shoulders.

  27

  Claire

  My heart aches for Trevor. I wish more than anything that I would’ve found out about his secret sooner so I could’ve eased his mind. No one should carry a burden like that around. I just hope he can move past it, and maybe, if I’m lucky, he’ll move past it with me.

  Trevor pushes up from the floor and comes to sit next to me on the couch. Reclining, he rests his head against the back cushion and closes his eyes. A tear leaks out of the side of his eye, dripping down his temple. I brush it away. My thumb lingers against his skin, and he wraps his hand around my wrist. He brings my fingers to his lips and holds them there while the silence seeps in around us.

  “Talk to me, Trevor. What are you thinking about?”

  He opens his eyes and slowly lowe
rs my hand from his face, resting it on his chest.

  “I’m wondering what I did to deserve someone like you in my life. I’m thinking about how terrified I was that night I found out you’d run back into the building to save those kids. It reminded me so much of what your father did, and I didn’t know how I was going to survive if I couldn’t get to you. Come here, Claire.”

  Trevor opens his arms, and I waste no time crawling into his lap. With my head tucked under his chin and body nestled in the crook of his arm, Trevor holds me. Placing his lips atop my head, he kisses me and whispers, “I don’t know what I would’ve done if something had happened to you.”

  Hooking an arm around his chest, I burrow as close as I can without physically mounting him. “You saved my life.”

  “I did what any good firefighter would do.”

  I contemplate his words, and while he’s right, I also believe there was more at play that evening. I’ve always believed in fate, and Trevor was meant to be the one to save me.

  I’m always here for you, Claire Bear. No matter where you are, I’m always here. I’ve come to understand my dad’s desire for me to be safe a bit differently over the last few days. I’ve thought a lot about what Trevor told me about his job, and while I know I need to be smart and make responsible choices, I think it’s okay to need help sometimes as well.

  A smile touches my lips—maybe it was my dad who put Trevor there with me in that fire.

  “You may be right, but not just any firefighter ran in after me,” I tell Trevor. “You did. And not only did you get those boys out, you threw yourself on top of me when the ceiling caved in. I don’t know how I’m ever going to repay you for that.”

  “We’ve already discussed this. You don’t owe me anything. I’d do it again, over and over if it meant saving your life. You need to know that.”

  I lift my head to look up at him. “Because of my father? Because you feel like you owe me something?”

  I hate the words even before they pass through my lips, but I have to ask him. I need to know—need to make sure that whatever is happening between us isn’t because of the guilt he’s been carrying around.

  He shakes his head. “No.” Threading his fingers through my hair, Trevor holds the back of my head. “Because of you.”

  Trevor

  Dropping my forehead to hers, I breathe Claire in. Her lavender scent surrounds me, infiltrates my veins, and brings peace in a way I never thought possible.

  “What do you mean ‘because of me’?”

  Taking a deep breath, I give myself permission to be happy and take chances, and I tell Claire all of the crazy things that have gone through my head over the years.

  “Because I have loved you for as long as I can remember.”

  I wait for dread to fill me, but it doesn’t come. Instead I feel lighter than I ever have, and I realize it doesn’t matter whether Claire feels the same way about me. What matters is that she knows how I feel. I love Claire Daniels. Her happiness means more to me than anything else, and I would walk through a thousand fires if it meant seeing her smile.

  “What?” she gasps.

  “You showed up at the rock quarry in a purple bikini, but it wasn’t the swimsuit that stole my heart for the first time; it was your laughter and your kindness. Do you remember what you did for me that day?”

  Tears fall down her face as she nods, but Claire makes no attempt to talk. That’s okay, I can talk for both of us.

  “A group of boys stole my clothes and shoes. I was stuck there, wet and cold, and you gave me your towel, stomped over to those boys, and demanded they give me my stuff back. That day you captured more than my attention. A year later, you, Mo, Rhett, Coop, and a bunch of your friends went four-wheeling at the ranch. I wanted to be just like my brothers, so I hopped on Beau’s ATV and followed you guys. I thought I was hot shit because my brothers allowed me to tag along, but I didn’t realize they were plotting against me. We stopped at old man Maynard’s creek, and the girl who was riding double with Coop hopped on my four-wheeler, and everyone took off. They stranded me there, miles away from home, and what did you do?”

  Claire squeezes her eyes shut, pushing out a fresh wave of tears, and shakes her head. “Trevor.”

  “Tell me, Claire. Tell me what you did.”

  She leans forward, pressing her lips against mine. The salty taste of her tears on my lips is almost too much. I hate that she’s crying, but I know they’re tears of joy, because she knows what’s coming.

  Opening her eyes, she whispers, “I made Noah stop, and then I got off his four-wheeler and walked home with you.”

  I smile, remembering how tall I felt walking home next to Claire, even though she was way out of my league. Not only was she four years older, but every boy in our school was drooling over her—myself included.

  “To you it was something simple; you didn’t want to leave me out there by myself. But to me, it meant so much more. You ditched your friends and walked three miles with me back to my house, only to get grounded for missing curfew.”

  She laughs and lifts a shoulder. “It was nothing.”

  “It was everything. That day you stole another chunk of my pre-teen heart and gained every bit of my respect. There’s more. Can I keep going?”

  Claire nods and cuddles her body closer to mine, which is a good thing because I’m not sure I could let her go.

  “A year after that, your father died. Mom got us all dressed up to attend the funeral, and I was terrified. It was the first one I’d ever been to, and on top of that, I blamed myself for his death. But Mom insisted I go. She even gave me a rose to place on top of the casket. When I got to the back of the funeral home, I lost it. I started bawling like a baby. Right there in a room full of people, I crumpled to the floor, and the only thing I remember from that moment is you wrapping me in your arms. You sat on the floor next to me and hugged me, and we cried together. You had just lost your father, and you were comforting me, completely oblivious to the guilt I harbored. I needed that hug more than anything. I may have been just shy of thirteen when I walked out of the funeral home that night, but I made a silent vow to always protect you, to never do anything to hurt you. But I also vowed I would always keep my distance, because I realized something else that night…”

  Claire sucks in breath and holds it.

  I smile.

  “Breathe, Claire. Only good things for us from now on, baby, okay?”

  She does as I ask and lets out the breath she was holding. “Please. Keep going.”

  “At the lowest point in my life, in a ball on the floor of a funeral home, wrapped in your arms, I gave you every last piece of my heart, knowing I’d never see it again.”

  Claire doesn’t take time to ponder my words. No, my girl is coming right at me, ready to tell me how she feels.

  “And whether I realized it or not, my heart accepted your gift and held onto it until I was ready to open myself up,” she tells me. “And when that time came, it led me straight to you. I see it now; there’s a reason I haven’t been able to settle down, despite all my rules and precautions. And that reason is you. I was waiting for you, Trevor.”

  Warmth unfurls in my gut, spreading throughout my body as I lay it all on the line. “I know you have a rule about dating firefighters and ranchers, and I know I don’t deserve you, Claire, but if you can break those rules, I promise to love you more than anyone else ever could. I promise to protect you and put you and your happiness above anything else, if you’ll take a chance on me.”

  Claire’s smile lights up every dark corner of my soul, and I can see the answer in her eyes before she voices it.

  “There’s no one else I’d rather break the rules with than you, Trevor Allen. But are you sure you’re up for dating an older woman?”

  “It’s four years, Red, and age is just a number. I wouldn’t care if you were ten years older than me. It wouldn’t change how I feel about you, so whatever hang-up you have about our age difference, I’m going t
o politely ask you to get over it.”

  “I think I can do that.”

  “Good.” I slip my fingers up the back of her shirt, stroking them along her spine, and she sighs.

  “So, we’re really going to do this?” she asks.

  “We are really going to do this,” I confirm.

  Claire’s pupils dilate. She blinks slowly, and I watch her eyes cloud over. “I need you to touch me, Trevor. I want you to make love to me, please.”

  She squeals when I lift her up.

  “Nothing else I’d rather do.”

  28

  Trevor

  I kick open Claire’s bedroom door, and Milo tries to dart inside, but I’m not having that. I lift my foot, blocking her entry while I balance Claire in my arms as we squeeze through the door.

  Milo whimpers, and Claire juts out her bottom lip. “Awww…poor baby.”

  “Give me five minutes, and you won’t even remember she exists.”

  Claire looks up at me with heavy eyes as I lower her to the bed, and when I pick up her foot, she closes them. She looks so incredibly sexy with her wild red hair fanned out on the pillow.

  I push my thumb to the ball of her foot, massaging in an up and outward motion. “Open your eyes, Red. We’ve waited too long for this, and I want you here with me.” Lowering my head, I kiss the inside of her ankle, and Claire’s eyes pop open.

  “There she is.” I smile. Claire does not. “What’s wrong? If you’ve changed your mind or you’re not ready for this, just say the word.”

  “No.” She shakes her head. “It’s not that at all.”

  “Then what is it?”

  “I hate my feet…and you’re touching them.”

  I laugh. “I’m kissing my way up your leg, and you’re thinking about how much you hate your feet?”

  “Don’t laugh. It’s one of my many insecurities. I have a freakishly long second toe, and right now it’s all up in your face.”