by Sj Hooks
What would I do if this were an academic query?
I knew the answer immediately. I would do research. Turning on my computer, I threw some clothes on while it started up and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge.
Research. I'm good at that. I excel at research. I can figure this out.
But I couldn't use any of my usual search engines. Love in literature and poetry was too vague and there were far too many variables to consider. I needed facts. While I hardly ever used Google in academic research, I now saw no other choice but to type in “signs that you are in love.” I groaned loudly and scrubbed my face with my hands when I saw the results.
Three hundred million hits.
I did find a little comfort in the fact that I apparently wasn't the only one who had trouble in this particular area of life.
"Signs that you're in love…for fools," I read out loud. That seemed oddly appropriate, since I was certainly a fool when it came to love. I clicked on the website and started reading with my heart in my throat.
Your stomach flips when you see this person.
That was true. I did get strange flutters in my stomach when Julia smiled at me. I just thought it was indigestion.
You're willing to go somewhere you hate.
Check! I really hated her apartment, but I went there to see her.
You give up on casual dating.
Well, I had only had the one date, but I had decided not to see any other women. That was three out of three so far. This was not good.
You fantasize about this person all the time.
Double check! I fantasized and dreamed about her.
You act like an idiot.
Yes, I did. For someone who was supposed to be intelligent, I marveled at my own idiocy whenever she was around.
You hope every phone call you receive is from this person.
No, that wasn't true! Finally. We texted each other, we didn’t speak on the phone. But I did hope every text message I received was from her. Damn it!
I swallowed a couple of times, staring at the screen. There was no denying the evidence. All the answers pointed in the same direction: I was a fool, and apparently in love.
But…I don't want to be in love with Julia!
Absolutely nothing good could come from this revelation. She was all wrong for me: a wild party girl whose priorities in life were completely different from mine. We couldn't even see each other openly because she was still in my class, and I was still her professor.
Plus, she doesn't want to date you. Did you forget about that?
Julia didn't date and she didn't want a boyfriend. She wanted casual sex and nothing more. But then why would she offer to come over and hang out with me today? Surely she wasn't expecting sex, seeing as I was hung over. If she just wanted sex then she would have waited to see me until I was feeling better.
I shook my head, regretting it instantly. My headache was back with renewed force, so I slowly made my way to the couch, lying down with my eyes closed. I took a deep breath and exhaled. Maybe I was in love, but I couldn't tell her that. She’d run for the hills if I revealed that I wanted something more and I couldn't risk it. The only thing I was absolutely certain of was that I wanted to keep seeing her in whatever capacity I could.
Maybe the signs didn’t matter, and I didn’t love her. Couldn’t it be possible that I was just overcome with lust for her? I certainly did my fair share of lusting after her, so that seemed plausible enough. I closed my eyes, running my hands through my hair. I didn't know anything anymore. If someone had told me a month ago that I’d be sleeping with one of my students, I would have laughed at the absurdity of the statement. But the fact remained that I was now having sex with a student on a regular basis, and it seemed that all logic and rationality had left me.
What the hell am I going to do?
Having no answer, I sat up and started cleaning up the broken glass from the wine bottle. I moved around the apartment on autopilot while tidying up the mess I’d made last night. After washing up, I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. Was I really in love with my student?
The doorbell rang, making my heart pound wildly in my chest.
Julia.
Ignoring my headache, I ran to the door and pulled it open, looking her over. She was wearing one of her ridiculous outfits and smudgy makeup, but it didn't bother me. Impulsively, I pulled her into my arms. She seemed unharmed, but I had to be sure. I took a step back, running my hands over her arms, her back, and her neck, finally cupping her face in my hands.
"You're OK, you're OK," I heard myself whisper before my lips captured hers.
She let out a surprised sound but kissed me back after a second. My arms encircled her and the kiss quickly increased in intensity. I heard her dropping something on the floor as she fisted her hands in my shirt and pulled me closer.
When I felt myself becoming aroused, I pulled back. It hit me with startling clarity that I had not intended for the kiss to become sexual. I had kissed her because I was relieved that she was all right and safe. I had kissed her because I was happy to see her. I had kissed her because…because I was in love with her.
I'm in love with Julia.
This was a nightmare. I was in love with the beautiful, unattainable girl in front of me and if I told her, she’d leave. She wanted none of my love. Groaning loudly, I dropped my head on her shoulder.
"Poor thing," she said softly, rubbing my back. "Do you feel sick?"
Yes. Lovesick, apparently.
I nodded and felt her usher me into the living room, where she had me lie on the couch.
"Don't worry," she said. "I've brought a few things to make you feel better." I heard her walk back into the hallway to take off her coat and shoes before returning to my side. I opened my eyes and looked at her.
"Your eyes are all red," she said, looking concerned.
"Yeah, I don't feel very well.”
"Drink this.” She handed me a large cup with a straw. I knew better than to question anything that Julia offered me and took a large drink of the pink concoction.
"God, that's good," I said, taking another sip. "What is it?"
She smiled. "It's a fruit smoothie—bananas, raspberries, some vanilla soy shit, and a little ginseng."
"Thank you," I said, smiling back.
"You're welcome. Most people eat a bunch of greasy stuff when they're hung over, but that'll just give you an assquake."
I threw my head back and laughed, even though it hurt.
Assquake! You're so funny. I love you.
"Ow," I moaned, holding my head after my laughter died down.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she said. "Sit back and relax."
I did as she told me, watching as she put on a movie and pulled a sandwich out of the bag she’d dropped in the hallway. I smiled when I saw that it was just like the one I’d had the first night we slept together.
"You made this for me?" I asked, even though it was evident that she had.
"Yeah, I felt a little guilty about those texts I sent you, if they're what caused you to drink so much.”
"That's OK," I said honestly. "I'm the one who should be apologizing."
"Why?"
"I never meant to be so, um, rough with you. I hope I didn't scare you?"
"Not at all," she said. "I liked it."
"Really?" I asked, taking a bite.
Mother of God, this woman can make a sandwich.
"Yeah. I mean, don't misunderstand me or anything. I'm not really into whips and chains, but it was really hot that you took control."
"Whips and chains?" I repeated, feeling a little shocked.
She shrugged. "I've dabbled a bit.”
"Um, dabbled in what, exactly?"
"Bondage. You know, getting tied up. Playing with a few toys. No whips, though. That's a bit too freaky for me.” Her crooked grin made an appearance.
Bondage!
I nearly choked on my sandwich and coughed loudly. Julia patted my back and
I took a drink of the smoothie.
"You like that?" I choked out, staring at her.
"Sure,” she said, smiling.
Oh, dear God, I couldn’t possibly do that, could I? That’s no way to treat a lady.
"But I don't expect to do anything like that with you," she said.
Thank God. But…why exactly?
"You don't?" I asked, and I was more than a little shocked to hear that my voice was laced with a hint of disappointment.
"We can if you'd like," she said. "I think it would be pretty damn hot being at your mercy."
I pictured Julia tied to my bed, completely under my control.
That does sound appealing. God, I’m such a pervert. What’s happened to me?
"Stephen, are you still with me?" she laughed, waving her hand in front of my face.
I’d zoned out. "Sorry," I said, trying to get the image out of my head.
"So, is that something you'd like to try?" she asked curiously.
Will she think I'm a degenerate if I say yes?
"I—I, um, I…" I stammered like an idiot.
"Can I take that as a yes?"
I breathed out, giving her a small nod while blushing like a schoolboy caught looking at a nudie magazine. Or like myself caught looking at a nudie magazine, if I were being honest.
"Cool.” She grinned. "I can't wait!"
"Um, Julia. Are you sure you’d be OK doing that with me?"
"Yes, of course. Why wouldn't I?"
I didn’t understand why she trusted me so implicitly. I could have severely injured her last night when I tossed her across hard surfaces and had my way with her. I outweighed her by at least sixty pounds and she was so small compared to me.
"What if I unintentionally hurt you somehow?"
"Are you kidding me? You’re the most considerate lover I've ever had. You seem more focused on my pleasure than your own most of the time."
“Lover.” That's definitely a step up from “sex buddy.”
I felt a rush of warmth in my chest. I was Julia's lover. Her only lover. Stephen Worthington, the studious geek who couldn't get a date to prom, was now the lover of this beautiful young woman.
How am I today, you ask? I'm great! Why? Because I’m Julia Wilde's lover. I get to see her naked and everything. Oh, and did I mention that she wants me to tie her up and have sex with her? That's right. Because I’m a very considerate lover. And I give her orgasms. Lots of them!
"Stephen!" she laughed, waving her hands in front of my face again.
"Sorry, I'm with you now, I swear," I said, taking another bite of my sandwich. "And, by the way, this is delicious," I added.
"Thank you. Where did you go just now?"
"Nowhere, I'm just inside my head today," I said, offering her a smile. "I'm not used to drinking a lot."
"I figured as much. So, you really don't remember everything from last night?"
"I'm a little fuzzy on the details after what happened in the hallway," I admitted.
"Well, you took me up against the wall over there," she said, pointing to the broken shelf. "Also, from behind, bent over the back of the couch, and again with me on my back on your dining table, my legs in the air. Oh, and there was a blowjob," she added with a grin.
"Oh, my God," I moaned, covering my face with my hands. "I don't know what came over me."
"I do," she said next to me. "I pissed you off. Don't feel bad. I really liked that your punishment consisted of giving me multiple orgasms."
Multiple orgasms? Hell yes!
I peeked at her through my fingers and saw that she was smiling.
"You're so cute," she said, leaning over to kiss me.
Her lips were soft and warm, and the kiss was gentle and slow. After a moment, she pulled away, reached into the bag, and fished out a smoothie and a sandwich for herself.
"Let's just take it easy today, OK?"
We sat back and ate our sandwiches while we watched the movie she’d picked out. It felt so comfortable and I was completely relaxed in her company. She’d been so sweet to me and clearly she hadn’t come over here for sex. That was definitely a first. Maybe it meant that I was more to her than just a guy she slept with. I hoped so, because she was more to me than a casual sex partner.
I looked at her hand resting on her thigh, and I wanted to hold it. Slowly, I lifted my own hand, all the while sneaking glances at her face. She was watching the movie, completely unaware of my hand hovering a few inches above her own. My pulse thundered in my ears and I realized how absurd this whole situation was. I’d had rough sex with her last night, taking her on nearly every available surface in this room, but I was terrified of holding her hand. Holding hands definitely went outside the sex-buddy agreement and was something that you did with a girlfriend.
Don't do it. She'll panic.
I knew it was risky, but I wanted to, and we’d already shared a sweet, gentle kiss earlier. Taking a deep breath, I placed my hand on top of hers.
She flinched. Her eyes widened, and it looked as though she was breathing faster.
"Is…is this all right?" I whispered, rubbing her hand with my thumb.
Her gaze flickered from mine down to our hands a few times before she nodded slowly.
I sighed with relief, giving her hand a small squeeze before turning my attention back to the movie. I could feel her eyes on me and noticed that she was still completely rigid. I tried to get my breathing under control and stroked the back of her hand with my thumb again. After a few excruciating minutes, I felt her relax next to me, which made me smile. We watched the rest of the movie like that, my hand resting on top of hers. I didn't have the courage to turn her hand and lace our fingers, but this was definitely a step in the right direction. I didn’t know why she was so apprehensive when it came to affection, but I was determined to show her that there could be more between the two of us than merely a physical relationship.
The movie ended, but I was reluctant to move from my spot and take my hand off hers.
"Can I use your bathroom?" she asked.
I couldn’t very well deny the request and she got up, sliding her hand out from underneath mine. She seemed to be gone a long time and I wondered what she might be thinking. Today hadn’t been about sex like the other times we’d been together, and I wasn't sure what would happen when she re-emerged.
I hope she doesn't want to leave already.
It was Saturday, I didn't have any plans, and I wanted her to stay here with me all day. More accurately, I found myself wishing that we could go outside together. It was a nice spring day and I would love to take a walk with her. Of course, I couldn't do that. She was still my student for a few more weeks and if anyone saw us together, it could be the end of my career, as well as both of our reputations. I looked up, seeing Julia standing in the doorway, looking hesitant.
Please come and sit with me again.
"Maybe I should get going," she said, although it sounded more like a question than a statement.
"Oh, do you have plans?"
"No."
Ask her to stay.
"I don't either. Um, have plans, I mean," I said, hoping that she’d take the hint.
"OK.”
Why was this so difficult?
"You…can stay, um, if you'd like?" I managed to ask her.
"OK," she said again.
Yes!
"What would you like to do?"
"We could play a game," she suggested.
"Not a bondage game, right?" I blurted out, much to my horror.
What is wrong with my mouth? I think I need to see a doctor or something.
She laughed softly, shaking her head. "No, Stephen. Not a bondage game. I don't think you're up for that today. How's your head, by the way?"
"A little better," I told her. "Still hurts, though."
"Let me give you a massage," she offered.
"A massage? You know how to do that?"
"Sure. Do you have any massage oil or lotion?"
"I have lotion," I answered, turning my head so she wouldn't see me blush.
Just please don't ask me what I use it for.
"Great. Go get it and lie down on your bed," she said, heading into the bedroom.
Oh no, this is so embarrassing! The lotion’s already on my nightstand next to a box of tissues. It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out.
I went into the bedroom where she was already situated on the bed. She motioned for me to take off my shirt. I did as she told me and flopped down on the bed.
"Um, the lotion’s over there," I mumbled, pointing toward the nightstand while hiding my face in my pillow. I heard her chuckle softly and move on the bed.
"Sorry," I heard myself mutter, although I had no idea why I was apologizing for masturbating.
"Don't be sorry," she said, straddling my hips. "I do it all the time."
"W-what?" Did Julia really just tell me that she masturbated?
"It's perfectly natural. Almost everyone does it," she said lightly, and started covering my back with the lotion. That was probably true, but I’d never met anyone besides Matt who admitted to it, and definitely never a woman.
"I don't do it a lot," I lied for some reason. Ever since I’d started seeing Julia, my carnal desires had multiplied many times over. I was now Kerou-whacking like a teenage boy almost every night before bed on the nights I wasn’t with her.
"Do you think about me when you do it?" she asked as she kneaded the muscles in my shoulders.
I nodded. She was the only one I thought about during my nocturnal solitary activities. Well, I was in the fantasies too most of the time, doing things to her that would make me blush to say out loud.
"I think about you, too," she said, pressing down on a sore muscle and making me groan.
She thinks about me when she touches herself?! I definitely need to remember that for my next, err…session.
