by Sj Hooks
"W-why?"
I didn't know what I was asking, exactly. Why was she leaving me? Why was her heart closed again? Why wouldn't she let me love her?
She stopped what she was doing and looked at me.
"Thank you so much for everything, Stephen. I'm feeling a lot better now and I should go."
"But your finals aren't over yet," I protested.
"I know. But I can handle it on my own. That's the way it's supposed to be."
" ‘Supposed to be’—what does that mean? Julia, I want you to stay," I said, helplessly watching as she finished packing her books.
"I can't. I have to go now," she said, walking past me toward the hallway. “’Bye.”
The room spun. She wasn't just leaving my apartment. She was leaving me.
I didn't know where the knowledge came from, but I was certain that if Julia walked out my door now, I would never see her again in this setting. I would maybe catch glimpses of her on campus as she went on with her life and moved on to a new guy. She would never smile at me again or let me kiss her. I would never hold her while we slept or make breakfast for her. I would never win her love and eventually…she would forget about me.
Oh please God! Don't let this happen!
"Julia!" I cried, storming after her.
She turned and looked at me. Her eyes were so vacant this morning.
"Don't go," I choked out, fighting back tears. I reached out my hand to her.
Please don't leave! Stay with me.
"Don't look at me like that," she whispered.
"Like what?"
"Like I just ripped your heart out. You knew this was just temporary. You know what we are, you and me.”
Anger bubbled up inside of me. I knew exactly what we were: We were in love, and now she was trying to reduce what we had to nothing but casual sex.
"It started out like that," I said, trying to speak calmly. "But it's more now."
She shook her head before lowering it. "No, it's not," she said quietly.
"Why are you doing this? Why are you spoiling it? I don’t understand!"
"I'm just facing the facts!" she hissed, looking up at me again. "You should do the same!"
"What facts?”
She took a deep breath, steeling her gaze. "I'm a decade younger than you and we couldn't be more different if we tried. It was fun while it lasted, but I can't teach you anything else. You know how to fuck now and that means we're done."
I stared at her in disbelief. Was she actually trying to belittle this by pretending it was just a learning experience for me and a teaching experience for her? It was more than that. I could feel it when she kissed me, in everything she’d shared with me. She came here after her grandfather’s funeral. You didn’t do something like that with someone you were only having sex with.
"You don't mean that."
"Yes, I do. Come on, Stephen, you know it's the truth.” She inhaled deeply, her chest quaking ever so slightly, and averted her eyes once more. Why wouldn’t she look at me? What was going on with her? I couldn’t believe this. I couldn’t believe it because…
Because it isn’t true. She’s lying.
Relief flooded through me. She didn't mean what she was saying. Julia was a horrible liar, or maybe I just knew her so well by now. The conflict she felt was all over her: in her tense shoulders, her downturned eyes, and the way she pressed her lips together. She was trying to keep herself from crying.
"Tell me that you don't feel anything for me,” I said, walking to her. “Look me in the eye and tell me that this has just been sex to you and nothing more.”
From the outside, it might seem like I was taking a huge risk putting Julia on the spot like this, but it didn't feel that way to me. I knew she had feelings for me. She couldn't have faked everything that had happened in the last few days.
She drew a ragged breath, still avoiding my eyes. I lifted her chin and finally she met my gaze. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears.
"I…don't f-feel anything f-for y-you," she stammered.
"Liar," I whispered, framing her face in my hands.
"This w-was j-just…sex.”
"Liar," I murmured, bending down to brush my lips against hers. For the first time, she didn’t respond. I pulled back. All her actions this morning gave the impression that she wanted to leave, but I knew her by now. She was sad and scared. Being alone was all she knew, so she was trying to push me away. I had no idea what had happened during the night to cause this dramatic shift, but I knew that she didn't mean what she was saying.
I had spent my entire life being afraid of the unknown, always sticking to my routine to avoid disorder and chaos. I knew fear when it stared me in the face, and right now it was painted all over Julia's beautiful features.
"Don't be scared," I whispered.
"I'm not!" she snapped, turning her back to me.
"I won't hurt you," I murmured, putting my hands on her trembling shoulders.
"Shut up!"
I wrapped my arms around her from behind.
"I won't leave you," I said softly.
"Shut up!" she sobbed.
She struggled against me and managed to turn in my arms so that we were face to face. Her tiny fists pounded against my chest, but I knew that she wasn't really trying to get away. I had already experienced Julia's self-defense skills; if she wanted out of my embrace, she could do it easily.
"I'm never leaving you," I vowed, tightening my hold on her.
"Stop it," she sobbed. "Stop fucking saying that!"
"Why? I swear, I won't."
"It never means anything," she cried. "Everyone says it and they still leave! I don't want you to say it because then you'll go too!"
"Oh, Julia," I whispered, "I'm so sorry, sweetheart."
"Please don't do this. Just let me go, Stephen!" she begged.
"I can't. I won't. I'm not letting you leave."
"Please," she whispered. "I have to be the one to go. If you leave…"
She broke down in my embrace, crying and shaking while I held her. I picked her up and carried her back to the bed, where we lay down together. She clung to me and I didn't let go of her while she cried until I thought she couldn't possibly have any more tears in her.
"I'm sorry," she said hoarsely. "I didn't mean what I said."
"I know. I know you didn't." I rubbed her back, and she let out a shaky sigh.
"Why are you so nice to me?" she asked.
I smiled and kissed her forehead. "I asked you that once, remember?"
"Oh, yeah.”
"You said you liked me," I reminded her. "I can give you the same answer."
She nodded against my shoulder. "I just don't know what all of this means," she said quietly. “You and me.”
It means that I love you and want us to be together.
She was so scared that I would leave. Could this be the right moment to show her just how committed to her I was?
"Julia, I like you as more than a friend. You know that, right?" I asked nervously.
"Yes," she whispered.
I held her a little tighter. "If I ask you something, will you promise to think about it and not say no immediately?"
"OK.”
I rolled onto my side facing her. We were almost nose to nose and I gazed into her teary eyes. I didn’t know if it would hurt or help, but I felt as though I might burst if I didn't get the words out.
"I wanted to ask you if maybe you would…um, possibly consider…”
Just ask her, you coward!
I took a deep breath. Julia was regarding me warily, but gave me a small smile. That smile gave me the courage to finish the sentence.
"Being mine. Being my, uh, my girlfriend," I managed to get out.
Oh God, I actually said it. I can't take it back now! What if she runs?
Her eyes widened a little and, not surprisingly, I felt her tense up. She chewed on her bottom lip and stared at me for a really long time. Finally, she opened her mouth to spe
ak.
"What would it mean?"
Uhh…
I was stumped.
"I don't know, exactly," I admitted. "Have you ever…you know, had a boyfriend?"
"Yes," she whispered. "I didn't like it."
Shit!
"Oh, was he—"
"An asshole," she sighed. She didn't elaborate.
"I won't be. Err, an asshole, I mean," I said. "I don't know much about being someone's boyfriend, but I will never hurt you. I swear."
"Will things change between us if I say yes?" she asked, lifting her head to look me in the eye.
"No. Not unless you want them to. I mean, I like what we have now. Don't you?"
She nodded and gave me a small smile.
"Then we don't have to change anything. Except…"
"Except what?"
"Well, the semester is almost over and our final class is today. I'd like to take you out sometime. You know, on a date. In public."
I could feel my heart racing out of control. I hadn't meant to move forward so quickly, but now I found myself at the point of no return. If Julia rejected me, I didn't think my heart would recover. I couldn't go on pretending that we were something that we were not. I couldn't act like I didn't love her anymore.
"Can I think about it?" she asked quietly, avoiding my eyes.
I put my index finger under her chin and made her look at me.
"I'm not saying no," she whispered, caressing my cheek. "I love being with you, Stephen. But being a girlfriend again…"
She shuddered lightly in my arms and her face looked pained.
What the hell did the guy do to her?
"Julia, he didn't…" I couldn't even finish the sentence. I felt deathly afraid that her ex had been abusive toward her. I cleared my throat. "D-did he…hit you?" I managed to ask.
If he did, I swear to God I will find him and beat him senseless! And I'll definitely bring Matt along for backup. I'm not stupid.
Her eyebrows flew up in surprise. "No! No, nothing like that," she said and shook her head. "He never laid a finger on me."
I breathed out in relief.
"You looked so worried,” she said.
"I don't like the idea of anyone causing you harm."
Her eyes darkened.
"He still hurt you, didn't he?" I whispered.
She nodded and blinked back the tears in her eyes.
"I won't do that," I promised. "Like I said, I don't have any experience with being someone's boyfriend, but I think I could be a good one."
"I think you could too," she sniffed. "I just don't know if it's the best thing for us."
"Why not?"
She hesitated for a few seconds before continuing. "Things are really good right now. What if we do this and it all goes to hell?"
"It won't," I insisted. "We're good together. Don't you agree?"
She nodded. "But why do we need to label it? Can't we just continue like this?"
"Of course we can. I just…I need to know that we're more than sex-buddies now," I told her in complete honesty.
"We are," she said immediately and looked into my eyes. "Stephen, we are more."
I could see that she was telling the truth, and that was reassuring, but there was still a relentless part of me that needed to call her mine to feel calm. I didn't know why. Maybe it was because at age thirty-three I had never had a girlfriend; maybe it was because I wanted to stake my claim. Or maybe it was because I loved her too much to call her something less significant, such as my “date,” when we attended my parents' party and finally took our relationship out in public.
"Don't you think maybe you would like being my girlfriend?" I asked cautiously.
"Yeah, probably," she admitted, wiping her eyes. "But why would you want me? I'm such a huge mess!"
"You're just going through a difficult time," I soothed, rubbing her back again. "That doesn't make me want you any less. I want to take care of you and help you."
"You already do, you know," she said. "Take care of me and help me, I mean. Thank you."
She buried her face in the crook of my neck and I held her close to me. Her fingers played with my chest hair and I suppressed a moan when they brushed over my nipples. As much as I tried I couldn't stop my body's natural reaction to her closeness and gentle caresses.
"Wow," she giggled. "You're all kinds of naked. I can't believe I didn't notice before now."
"I actually didn't either," I said, blushing. "Just ignore it."
Instead, Julia pressed her lips against mine and kissed me. When I started to protest she pushed her tongue into my mouth and intensified the kiss. She ran her hands all over me and my body reacted accordingly. Then she climbed on top of me and pulled her T-shirt over her head to reveal her naked upper body. She grabbed my hands and placed them on her breasts.
"Touch me," she moaned. "Fuck me, Stephen. I need to feel you."
There was an air of desperation about her touches and I knew that despite how great it felt, I couldn't go through with it.
"Julia," I said softly and lifted her off me. "Please, stop."
"Why?" she asked, leaning forward to kiss me again. "Please, I want you."
I held her face in my hands and looked deeply into her eyes before kissing her again, but then I pulled back, covering her up with her T-shirt.
"You don't want me?" she asked with a mixture of shock and sadness in her voice.
"Of course I do," I said immediately. "I mean, can't you tell?" I glanced down at my erection and smiled sheepishly. Julia followed my eyes and smiled back at me. She reached out to touch me, but I intercepted her and lifted her hand to my lips while I covered myself with the bed sheet.
"What are you doing?" she whispered.
"I…I think I'm trying to show you that I want more than just sex," I said, kissing each one of her fingertips. I leaned forward and brushed my lips against hers. I placed slow gentle kisses on her cheeks and eyelids while I held her hands in mine.
"You're so sweet and wonderful and lovely in every way," I murmured. "I want to be there for you if you need a friend to talk to or have fun with, I want to pleasure you as your lover, and I want to take you out on dates as your boyfriend. I want to pull out your chair for you, serve you wine, and treat you the way you deserve. I want to make you as happy as you make me. I want all of that with you, Julia. Only with you."
Her bottom lip trembled and once again her eyes filled with tears.
"Stephen," she choked out. "Please don't say stuff like that."
"Why not?"
"Don't you see? You're the one who's wonderful and sweet. Not me. You deserve someone who can give you all that. Someone closer to your own age and not someone like me who doesn't know what the fuck she's doing."
She drew a ragged breath. "I've only been someone's girlfriend once before and that turned to complete shit. I have no idea how to be what you want. Casual fucking is all I've known for years. It's all I've wanted."
She looked at me and wiped her eyes. "But then you come along and all I can think is how much fun it will be teaching you how to fuck and talk dirty. And you know what? It was. It was so much fun that I asked you to stay over afterward. I never do that! I…I never planned on actually liking you and wanting more than just to fuck you. I've never brought a guy hangover food before, and after Pop's funeral you were the only one I wanted to see."
She threw up her hands. "I don't know what I'm doing, Stephen! I feel so fucking much for you that it scares the crap out of me, and it makes me want to run just like before. You don't need that. Don't you see?"
I took a beat to process everything she had just said. Then I took her hands in mine again and looked into her eyes.
"Julia, I'm crazy about you," I said bluntly. I kissed her hands and continued. "I only want you. There might be women out there who are more age-appropriate, but they're not you. I've never felt this way about anyone before. You make me feel like I’m finally living, not just existing. I mean, before you I had
never spent the night with a woman and I hadn't ever slept with the same woman twice. Do you see what I'm trying to say?"
"I think so," she whispered, tightening her hold on my hands.
"I don't know what I'm doing either. I've never had a girlfriend or a serious relationship before. This is completely new to me. I never expected to develop feelings for you when this started. But I did, Julia, and it scares me too."
"Oh." She nodded.
"I'll probably screw up a lot," I added. Her lips curved and she smiled.
"I probably will too," she said softly.
Does that mean…
"So you'll… " I was afraid to say it.
She drew a deep breath. "Yes, Stephen. I'll be your girlfriend."
YES! She said yes! Julia is my girlfriend! I am her boyfriend! Wow!
I could feel myself smiling so widely that it hurt my face as I leaned in to kiss the hell out of my girlfriend. She surprised me when she pulled back.
"If you hurt me, I'll kick your fucking ass. You know that, right?"
"You say the sweetest things," I deadpanned.
She raised her eyebrows. I knew that she wasn't kidding around.
"No ass-kicking will be needed, I swear you can trust me," I vowed. "I won't let you down, Julia. I'll be the best boyfriend in the world."
I'm sure there are books and helpful websites on the subject.
"Just keep being you," she said softly. "I've loved everything you've done so far. Well, except getting hammered and then giving my paper an F," she added with a hint of a scowl.
"Um, an excellent example of the aforementioned screwing up I might do?"
She grinned and nodded.
"I may have overreacted just a teeny tiny bit," she said. "I think maybe I was looking for an excuse to leave because we were getting closer."
"Really?" I was very impressed with her level of insight.
"That's what Sophia said, anyway."
"Oh." I smiled. "She's perceptive, that one."
"Is she ever," Julia agreed with enthusiasm. "You remember that night she and Meg walked in on us?"
I nodded.
"The next day she kept saying how she could just tell that we were going to become more than casual sex-buddies. I told her she was being ridiculous. I guess the joke's on me, huh?"
