I glance over at the king size bed.
‘You can’t sleep on the floor,’ I insist. ‘We’re both adults, right? We can just share the bed.’
Leo looks at the bed thoughtfully before looking back at me.
‘I promise not to molest you,’ I insist with a nervous laugh.
Just when I think I might have finally convinced him to join everyone else in hating me, Leo’s straight face dissolves into an amused smile.
‘I can’t believe that happened,’ he laughs. ‘How did that happen?’
I shrug my shoulders. I don’t have much drama in my life back in the States, I’m pretty laidback and – I like to think – effortlessly cool, but for some reason I am the worst possible version of myself when I am around my family – especially around Leo. I am incapable of being cool or sexy in his presence, I’m like a female porno version of Mr Bean.
‘I thought Dan was you,’ I insist again.
‘Don’t worry,’ Leo assures me. ‘Belle and I were actually having a chat about you when we heard the screams.’
‘It’s all lies,’ I joke as I take a seat on the bed. The worst thing is that the things she has said are probably mostly true. ‘I should have known she’d sit you down and try to put you off me.’
Leo takes a seat next to me.
‘Actually, I asked her if we could talk about you.’
I look at Leo for an explanation.
‘Before dinner your youngest cousin called me a bitch and then he told me that you tried to kill yourself.’
‘Josh,’ I say with a nod. ‘You know, I didn’t–’
‘I know, your sister already told me it was a misunderstanding. She also told me she’d slapped you with a sex ban, and do you know what? I thought she was being ridiculous, I couldn’t understand why she would feel the need to do that… now I understand why,’ he laughs.
‘I am going to do as she asks,’ I tell him honestly. ‘I’m not sure it’s entirely necessary, but I want to show Belle that I’m not trying to make her life difficult – so I’m going to do it.’
‘Good for you,’ Leo replies, followed by a few seconds of awkward silence, the two of us just sitting on the bed facing forwards.
Maybe I’m still drunk, but whether I meant to do it or not I have upset my sister and I need to put that right. If that means not having sex until I am back home then so be it. It’s not like it’s going to be difficult, is it?
Right on cue, Leo pulls off his shirt revealing that rock-hard fireman’s body I’ve been trying to forget he has.
‘I didn’t bring any pyjamas,’ Leo informs me.
‘My nightwear is in my room, but if I go and get it I’m worried Belle might think I’ve gone back for seconds.’
‘What about that T-shirt.’ Leo nods towards Chris’s top that is still in my hand.
‘Not mine,’ I reply, hoping that will be that. I could have pretended that it is mine, that I wear it as a joke, but it stinks of sweat and there is no conversation that will be more awkward than what would happen if I were to get in bed with Leo wearing a top that smells like man sweat and sea water.
‘Is it your lifeguard’s?’ he asks. I wasn’t expecting that, then again, he did say that Belle had filled him in. It’s a good job I’ve sworn off sex, because there’s no way Leo would want to touch me again if he thinks I’m the beach donkey.
‘He’s just a friend,’ I insist, not that it matters.
‘Just a friend but you ended the night wearing his shirt?’ Leo asks, sounding a little bothered.
‘The last time you saw me earlier, what was I wearing?’ I ask, ready to prove a point.
‘A bikini.’
‘And what am I wearing now?’
‘OK, point taken, but you’re telling me he didn’t even try anything?’
‘He might have tried, but I’m banned from sex, remember?’
Leo smiles and raises his eyebrows. I wish I could tell what he was thinking. He asks a lot of strange questions for a one night stand.
‘You’re sure you don’t mind sharing a bed with me?’ he asks.
‘Leo, I should be asking you that. This is your bed.’
‘I’m fine with it,’ he replies, pulling off his jeans and getting under the covers.
I glance down at my bikini, unsure whether or not it will stay fastened through the night. Then again, I don’t have much choice.
‘We could always make a barrier down the middle of the bed,’ I joke as I get in next to him. ‘If we were in a romcom, that’s what we’d do.’
‘We’ll be fine. Life isn’t a romcom,’ he laughs.
‘And don’t I know it,’ I reply.
We’re both lying on our sides, staring into each other’s eyes. For a moment neither of us makes a sound, we just stare.
‘Are you going to get the light?’ I ask.
Leo stares at me a few seconds longer before he speaks.
‘Tell you what.’ Leo grabs his pillow and places it at the foot of the bed. ‘Just to make this easier, I’ll sleep at the other end.’
‘You don’t have to do that,’ I insist, but he turns the light off and does it anyway.
‘Not many men could handle sleeping in a bed with a girl in nothing but a bikini,’ Leo whispers, ‘especially when they already know she’s great in bed. You’re lucky I’m a gentleman.’
‘Just my luck,’ I reply. ‘Sweet dreams.’
Chapter 20
I wake up to find that my bikini has survived the night, my modesty is saved – OK, perhaps that’s a stretch. Another thing I have noticed is that Leo isn’t here.
I climb out of bed and head for the door. I have no idea what time it is but I’m going to need a shower and some clean clothes, and there’s no time like the present. I also need a strong cup of coffee to try and appease the hangover gods.
I grab the stinky T-shirt Chris leant me before tiptoeing out of the room. Still on the balls of my feet, I try to close the door behind me as silently as possible, but it’s all in vain.
‘Whose bedroom is that?’ a familiar voice asks.
‘Good morning, Uncle Steve,’ I say brightly as I adjust my bikini to make sure all bases are covered.
‘Whose bedroom is that?’ he asks again.
‘Leo’s.’
My uncle shrugs his shoulders.
‘The best man,’ I remind him.
‘Oh, Mia, no. I am so disappointed in you.’ He disapprovingly shakes his head.
Before I have the chance to reply – not that I am entirely sure what to say – my auntie appears behind him and begins her own line of questioning.
‘What has she done now?’ she asks.
‘She slept with the best man,’ he tells her.
‘Mia, you slept with the best man?’ my auntie echoes.
I open my mouth to speak but my cousin Hannah gets there first.
‘What did Mia do?’ she asks curiously.
‘She slept with the best man,’ my auntie and uncle inform her in unison.
‘I don’t blame her, he’s hot,’ Hannah replies as she walks off, tapping away on her phone.
‘You don’t mean that,’ my auntie calls after her before turning back to me. ‘She doesn’t mean that. You’re a bad influence on her. Sleeping with the best man, for God’s sake.’
‘Who slept with the best man?’ I hear a male voice ask. We all look down the corridor to see Mike and Belle approaching.
‘Mia did,’ my auntie tells them, and you can tell she’s enjoying every second of this, she isn’t even trying to hide it.
‘You could have put some clothes on after,’ Belle complains.
‘Where to begin?’ I ask to myself. ‘Belle, you kicked me out of my bedroom. Leo let me sleep in his room – literally sleep in his room,’ I say directly to my auntie and uncle. ‘I can’t get at my clothes, they’re in with Dan.’
‘Come with me now, I’ll escort you,’ Belle replies.
I love that she thinks I need an escort. I don’t sa
y anything, I just follow her to what used to be my room.
Belle opens the bedroom door and we both step inside. Dan is still fast asleep in my bed.
‘Grab your things, and try not to rape him as you pass him,’ she snaps.
‘I’m going to pretend you said “wake him” and we can still be friends,’ I whisper back. I grab my case, which thankfully I still haven’t unpacked, and my makeup bag from the bathroom, before making my way back towards the door.
‘Listen, I’m really sorry. Last night really was a terrible accident,’ I tell her sincerely. ‘I’ll do whatever you want. No more sex, promise.’
‘Are you done?’ she asks without even looking at me.
‘Yep.’
‘Then get out.’
I am no sooner out the door when my sister slams it closed behind me. I start dragging my things across the hall when I realise Mike is still hanging around. Without saying anything he comes and takes my case from me.
‘I hear you wanked off my brother,’ he says with a cheeky grin plastered across his face.
‘It was an accident,’ I tell him. I realise that isn’t a very good explanation for what happened but I don’t have a better one and I really couldn’t care less right now.
‘You and I have a lot in common, you know,’ he replies.
‘Why, have you wanked off your brother too?’ I ask, totally straight-faced.
Mike laughs as he places my suitcase down on Leo’s bed.
‘No, I just mean that we’re similar people,’ he explains. ‘We don’t go in for this wedding shit. We’re people-people. We don’t want to settle down and do all the shit we’re supposed to want to do as we hit thirty.’
I wish this fucker would stop reminding me that I am nearly thirty.
‘You think you’ve got me all figured out, huh?’ I suppose he has, but it sounds kind of sad put into those words.
‘Team Single,’ he says with enthusiasm, offering me a fist to bump.
‘I’ll fist bump your face if you start the “forever alone” shit,’ I warn him, and he soon backs down.
‘Anyway, we’re going to watch a film–’
‘Who is “we”?’ I interrupt.
‘Me, Belle, a couple of her mates… Anyway, we’re going to watch whichever film gets the most votes and I’m counting on your support for Django Unchained.’
‘I’m not sure I’m in the mood for a movie,’ I reply, before quickly adding ‘but thanks for asking.’
‘It might be a good chance for you to build bridges with Belle,’ he says to try and persuade me. ‘She knows you didn’t mean to do what you did, she’s just angry you’re getting more action than she is.’
Mike laughs, and I can’t help but laugh too.
‘OK, fine, just let me get washed and dressed and I’ll be there to make sure we watch something good.’
‘Team Tarantino?’ Mike suggests, offering me his fist again.
‘Team Tarantino,’ I echo, bumping his fist with my own.
‘Fuck it, come here,’ Mike says, wrapping his arms around me and lifting me into the air. Way over six foot tall, Mike shakes me up and down like a cross between a child with a toy and someone performing a sort of reverse Heimlich manoeuvre.
‘Am I interrupting something?’ I hear Leo ask from behind us – I hadn’t even realised he’d entered the room.
‘Just Team Forever Alone having a meeting,’ I joke as Mike puts me down.
‘So, I’ll see you downstairs?’ Mike asks as he heads for the door.
‘Sure,’ I reply.
Before he closes it behind him, Mike slaps his hand on the door making a loud noise which neither me nor Leo were expecting.
‘Sold!’ he shouts, ‘to the man with the exceptional beard.’
‘Very good,’ I reply in response to his Leonardo DiCaprio impression, which only reminds me to make sure that Josh and Max do not watch this one – the last thing they need is another quotable movie to add to their repertoire.
‘You two seem close,’ Leo says as soon as we’re finally alone.
‘Don’t you start,’ I warn him. ‘The rumours about you and me are only just beginning, don’t throw anything else into the mix.’
‘Rumours about us?’ he asks.
‘People are saying we slept together,’ I tell him.
‘We did.’
‘Yeah, but they think we had sex.’
‘Again, we did,’ he laughs.
‘Yes, but not last night…’ my voice trails off. ‘Let’s not complicate things, the official statement is that nothing happened. Got it?’
‘Got it,’ he replies with a cheeky salute.
‘Good. Are you watching the movie with us?’
‘Can’t,’ Leo replies. ‘Promised my mum I’d take her to lunch.’
‘That’s sweet,’ I reply. ‘I wish I had that kind of relationship with my mum.’
‘Well, we’re all each other has. I’m sure your mum loves you, though.’
‘Give it a couple more days, you’ll soon realise you’re wrong,’ I laugh.
I grab a change of clothes and a towel and head for the bathroom.
‘We could do something together this afternoon if you like?’ Leo calls after me.
‘I’d like that,’ I reply. ‘See you then.’
‘Perfect.’ Leo grabs his wallet from next to the bed before heading towards the door. ‘See you later.’
As he passes me he plants a kiss on my cheek before disappearing, leaving me with nothing but the delicious smell of his aftershave in my nostrils and questions in my mind. Speaking of perfect, the more perfect he seems to be, the more I’m wondering what could possibly be wrong with him… there’s always something.
Chapter 21
‘Django!’ Mike yells before bursting into a rendition of Luis Bacalov’s song ‘Django’ as I enter the room. Upon seeing me, this quickly turns into a serenade as he drops to his knees at my feet.
‘OK, we get it,’ Nancy snaps from where she is sitting. ‘You want to watch that crap. But we agreed we’d put it to a vote.’
I glance around the room, considering who is here and what the outcome of the vote is likely to be. At the moment it’s just the four of us: me, Mike, Belle and Nancy.
‘So Mike, what do you want to watch?’ Nancy asks him, like she doesn’t already know the answer.
‘Django!’ he bellows, but she stops him before he can start singing again.
‘Thank you. Belle?’
‘Dirty Dancing,’ she says excitedly.
‘I want to watch Dirty Dancing too,’ Nancy agrees. ‘So Dirty Dancing it is.’
‘Erm, excuse me,’ I chime in, ‘you didn’t ask me.’
Nancy looks puzzled.
‘Well, you’re a girl, so…’
‘So what?’ I ask her. ‘I’d rather watch Django Unchained – it’s one of my favourite films.’
Nancy and Belle stare at each other for a moment, utterly disgusted looks plastered across their faces.
‘You’re not a real girl,’ Nancy concludes. I think she thinks that is going to be the end of it, but I’m not the chubby, frizzy brunette she used to bully once upon a time.
‘You know, just because I don’t like Dirty Dancing, doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with my vagina. I’m still a girl.’
‘My God,’ Belle shrieks, ‘you’re obsessed with… that.’
‘Another thing we have in common,’ Mike jokes to me under his breath.
‘Why won’t you say vagina?’ I laugh at my sister, which is risky business considering she’s still so mad at me over the events of last night. ‘Nancy, you’re not scared to say it, are you?’
‘I prefer to call it my flower,’ she tells me seriously.
‘Fuck!’ I can’t help but cry out. ‘Right now I want to sew mine shut and put my name down for a strapadictomy, out of pure shame. You chicks embody everything that guys hate about girls.’
‘What’s a strapadic…’ Belle starts, before it s
uddenly occurs to her. ‘Oh. You’re disgusting.’
‘So we’re everything that guys hate, but you’re the single one,’ Nancy reminds me smugly.
‘Single by choice,’ I reply.
‘Yeah, you keep telling yourself that,’ she laughs.
‘OK.’ Mike jumps to his feet. ‘I think we should just all agree to disagree. Nancy, Mia is single by choice and there is nothing wrong with her vagina. Mia, if Nancy wants to call it her flower, that’s up to her. Now can we just watch the fucking film, please? I’ve had my fill of fanny chat for the day.’
I giggle at his use of the word fanny, but the “real” girls hiss and boo him.
‘You’re just as disgusting as she is,’ Belle insists.
‘Anyway, we could always ask Leo if there’s anything wrong with Mia’s flower,’ Nancy starts. ‘We’ve all heard the rumours.’
‘Leave Leo out of this,’ I snap, surprising myself a little. ‘Treat me how you want to treat me, but leave him out of this.’
‘Touchy subject,’ Belle adds with a smirk.
Mike jumps to his feet and looks at his watch.
‘Well, it’s nearly midday, who wants to start drinking?’
I raise my hand.
‘I’m going to get the drinks, you’d all better be done with this shit when I get back,’ he warns us. You don’t know how nice it is for me having other people around who swear freely, even if it is just Mike and Leo – oh, and the kids, but that’s a touchy subject still.
As soon as Mike leaves the room, Nancy continues.
‘Well, if there’s nothing going on with Leo you won’t mind me having a go.’
‘I thought you had a boyfriend,’ I remind her.
‘I’m always looking for an upgrade.’
I look over at my sister who doesn’t seem bothered by this at all.
‘This is your best friend,’ I remind her.
‘I know,’ Belle replies. ‘Wouldn’t it be great if my best friend and Dan’s best friend got together? Just think of all the couples stuff we could do with Heather and Jason.’
‘Like swinging?’ I joke, but we’ve already established that my kind of humour is wasted on this lot.
As we wait for Mike to return, Nancy and Belle chat together about their plan to set Nancy up with Leo. I’m not sure why I’m so bothered by this, but I am. It’s probably because Leo is such a nice person, and Nancy is such a fucking bitch. He deserves better than being an upgrade Nancy is considering to make her dull gang of friends complete. It’s not like I’m jealous or anything, I just don’t want to see Leo get used by the biggest bitch I know.
Bad Bridesmaid Page 12
