by K. K. Allen
“Well, I guess you got what you wanted in the end. You got your dad and you get to stay away from me. It just took a little bit longer than expected.”
My mouth widens and my eyes water. He still doesn’t believe me.
“Why do I even bother? I’ve told you everything.” My voice rises as I start to shake. “Is this what you want? To be angry with me so that you can continue on with the family that replaced mine? I’m sorry I ruined that for you, Zach. I really am. But I never asked you to choose.”
“Didn’t you?” The crease between his eyes deepen and he leans over me. “The night of Clara’s recital. The night of the scrimmage. Both times you accused me of choosing someone else over you. But the moment you told me those stories about your dad without telling me who he was, you knew I was choosing you. How do you think I would feel when it was all out in the open? You tricked me, Monica. And I’m allowed to be pissed about it.”
I swipe my tears away and step back. “What did I trick you into Zach? Chasing me? Working so closely with me? Buying me gifts? That was all you. Don’t you think if I wanted to trick you, I would have slept with you that first night? And when you offered me tickets to your games, don’t you think I would have taken them? What about when you came back to BelleCurve and I tried to stay away from you?” I push into him now because it hurts, and I want him to hurt too. How else can I make him see?
“There’s a reason I never told you about him, but it wasn’t because I was trying to worm my way into your heart. Sure, I was curious about the boy who had grown so close with my father, but I stayed away from you because of it. Don’t you think it fucking killed me every time you spoke about him and how close you were to his daughters, knowing that he left Maggie and me for them? Yeah. It killed me, Zach, but I also was happy for you, believe it or not. What you went through with your father was tragic. My dad was your savior. I never wanted to take that away from you.”
We stare at each other, both of us swimming in a swirl of anger and resentment. Both our hearts have been through the ringer lately, and this exchange isn’t making things any easier, but I’ve said what I needed to say.
I step to the side, giving him room to walk away. With a final hardening of his jaw, his eyes flicker to mine and hold for just a second before he tears his gaze away and walks out the door.
“Monica, wait!” Jess calls from the front desk. I’ve just placed my hands on the glass doors to leave when she runs up behind me. “There’s someone waiting for you in your office. Said it was a surprise.” She shrugs.
Still reeling from current events, I haven’t a clue who could be in my office. When I turn the corner and see her sitting there, feet on my desk, arms crossed as she studies our family photo, my heart soars.
“Maggie?”
She looks up, her perfect features twisting into the beautiful smile I’ve missed more than I’ve admitted to myself. “Hey, sis.”
Three weeks later, and my work for Under the Bleachers is nearly complete. The sponsors, the kids, and the families all loved it, and the production team even received special kudos from the execs for an extraordinary event.
Richland and I are sitting in the largest editing bay screening the latest cuts of the leadership PSAs that will be distributed to participating schools when Zach walks in. I had no idea he was invited, but I guess he’s here to give final approval. He’s wearing dark jeans and a fitted blue V-neck. He looks good—and calmer than the last time we were in the same room.
Richland greets him with a small wave from the other side of the room. “Hey bud, thanks for coming in. Have a seat anywhere.”
My entire body stiffens when Zach chooses to sit on the end of the couch furthest from me, resting his arms across the back. He smells different. I noticed his aroma the moment he walked by me, and I can’t stop thinking about it. The scent is dark but sweet. Rich, but soothing.
I swallow and meet his eyes, which haven’t left me since he strolled in. But the hurt behind his expression completely obliterates any chance my heart has at surviving this moment. I look away.
Richland’s hands are on the keyboard, searching through files and selecting the correct video before putting it on the projection screen. “Ready?” he asks.
Zach shifts in his seat to face the screens. “Let’s see it.”
I should go.
Then the video starts, and Zach laughs at something on the screen, his shoulders shaking a little.
I should stay.
It’s almost six o’clock by the time we wrap up. As soon as I can get away, I scurry to my office to shut down and grab my things, hoping to get out of here quickly.
“Can I walk you home?”
Zach’s voice jumpstarts my heart. It’s a little painful, but it’s just what I needed to break out of the misery. Since the day I heard about our story releasing all over the internet, he’s not the only one that’s been angry. I’m mad at him too. For not trusting me. For abandoning me when things got rough.
“Of course. I have an early morning—”
“I’m just asking to walk you home, Cakes.”
I swallow, meeting his eyes, and then nodding.
The warm breeze and night traffic bring comfort to my senses the second we leave BelleCurve. It helps ease the tension as we walk in silence. I only look up once when a door opens at the corner Teriyaki joint and I get a whiff of beef sizzling on the grill. But I can’t even think about food right now, not when my stomach is already churning over Zach’s nearness.
We both stop before I reach the door to my apartment building, only inches apart, but it’s like he’s somewhere else. “So you’ve been seeing your dad.” His tone is soft and encouraging, but there’s a layer of something else I don’t detect right away.
I nod. “Twice now.”
“So you got what you wanted.” I hear sadness through the cracks of his tone, and heat forms in the backs of my eyes.
“I can hardly say I got what I wanted, Zach.” I blink back tears. “Rebuilding my relationship with my father is huge, but none of it matters if you believe I used you to get here.”
He cringes. “I don’t, Cakes. I was angry. I wasn’t thinking clearly.” His eyes mist with his pain. Jesus. If Zach cries, I’ll lose it.
“You’re right,” he says, his voice lighter. “I’ve thought the worst these last few weeks. Coach gave me a family when my world was turned upside down. And not just me—my mom and brother too. He’s given me so much and never asked for a thing in return.” His voice softens to a whisper. “But I hate what he did to you.”
I nod, because I know that Zach has only ever wanted to carry my pain. To take care of me. “And you wanted to believe what was written because then you wouldn’t have to choose. You needed someone to be the bad guy.” I take a deep breath and say out loud what I’ve finally come to understand. “There is no bad guy here, Zach. You love him for the same reasons I still love him. You’re mad at him for the same reasons I’m mad at him.
“Even after everything, I know he’s just a guy who made some shitty decisions. But those shitty decisions led to him meeting you.” I smile. “You’re allowed to be grateful for that. I know I am.”
Zach pulls me in, resting his forehead on mine. “How can you forgive him after what he did?”
I clutch his shirt. “Because he’s sorry. Because he’s trying. I understand now what he did was probably the shittiest thing in the world, but he’s been living with it too, and he wasn’t the only one who messed up.” I swallow against the lump in my throat.
“My mom may not have initiated the destruction, but she’s as much to blame for the fallout as he is. She should have seen our pain and known that being without our father was a fate far worse than us knowing the gory details. Always so damn selfish. For once, she should have put us first.”
Zach’s head falls into my neck, and he holds me tighter as I shake.
I take a heavy breath. “And it would be a much diff
erent situation if my dad hadn’t shown up on that field to talk to me. If he hadn’t called to see me again. He’s trying. So I’m going to try too.”
We stand like this for a while, me clinging to him, his arms wrapped around me like the warmest blanket. Eventually he takes a deep breath and we straighten our backs, our hands falling between us.
“I’m going out of town tomorrow,” he says. “For a week. It’s a team thing. We do it every year before the draft.”
Blood races through me as he searches my expression. This is the part where we decide we aren’t right for each other, isn’t it?
He sighs and shoves his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. “Anyway, I’ll be back next week, but my schedule picks up when I get back. We’ve got fittings and promos, training camp… I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this. I guess I just want you to know that I’m still around if you need me. For anything, Cakes.”
I touch his forearm gently. “You don’t need to worry about me. BelleCurve is keeping me busy, and school starts up soon. I’ve got a lot to work out, and I don’t want to be a distraction.”
He shakes his head and lets out a quiet laugh. “You not being in my life is the distraction. It’s the worst kind of distraction. But I get it. I’ll give you space. I just—I hope when I get back to town we can talk more.
“I am here for you. You know that, right?” He tilts my chin up to look me square in the eyes. “I meant it when I said I chose you.” He brushes a thumb along the ridge of my cheek. “You need to know that I meant it. If you need more time, take it. But if you want someone to be there with you, to help you through this … if you need a friend. Hell, if you need someone to beat your father’s ass, I’ll do all of those things.”
I smile at his words. Despite our situation, it’s a little funny. “That means a lot, Zach. It hasn’t been easy … but after speaking with him, I think I’ve found some peace. I guess I just want to live in it for a while.”
Zach smiles. “Okay.” He looks tentatively over my shoulder at the main door. “I can walk you up.”
Returning his smile, I shake my head. “I don’t think that’s the best idea. Maggie’s in town and she’s still flipping out about everything.”
He tilts his head. “Really? She’s here? Why?”
I laugh. “I’m still trying to figure that out myself. She’s the worst kind of mooch. She heard about Dad after it was all over the news and she showed up with her bags, telling me mom’s dating some douchebag attorney and she has some auditions lined up here.”
His husky laugh fills my ears. “Maybe you can hook her up at BelleCurve.”
“Oh no. No way. She’s a mooch and a diva. Not a good combination.”
The air stirs and I get another whiff of his cologne. I smile up at him. “What scent is that?”
The grin that lifts the corners of his mouth answers my question. “It’s you, Cakes. Ravaged.”
I groan and laugh at the same time.
Zach reaches for my hand and pulls my palm flat against his heart, covering it with his own. “I’ve missed you, Cakes. Call me. Please.” His hand rubs against mine, and I feel his plea. “I’m not expecting us to pick up where we left off. I just—I can’t lose you in my life. You’ve become the most important part of it.”
A tear slips down my cheek and I smile. “Of course.”
He leans in, letting my head fall to his chest. I breathe him in again, the most delicious richness wafting over me like melting chocolate. As bad as I know it is, I want that scent wrapped around my body, making me forget everything but him.
“No matter what happens, I believe there’s a reason we found each other. Maybe reconnecting with your father was it.”
I look up again, my eyes filling with liquid. “You’ve given me more than I could have ever asked for. Things I didn’t even know I wanted.”
He nods, his arms tightening around me. “It’s not over, Cakes.”
I shudder, not knowing what to say. I’m hoping he’s right, and we just need time to heal.
Although we aren’t saying goodbye, it somehow feels like it. His hands shake as he brings our mouths together for a kiss. No matter what happens, I’ll never forget these lips. His touch will touch me forever. And our moments … those will last an eternity.
For nearly a decade I’ve gained strength through my suffering, turning sludge to stone to overcome each obstacle. What was once a muddled mess I was left to sort through alone has become my new path. I’ve learned that there is no grave in which our obstacles decay. They become part of us, dormant until they’re awakened.
But what happens when the weight of the struggle becomes too heavy to bear? I’m strong; now what? Where’s my prize?
I’m done suppressing the pain. I’m no longer made of stone, but of a massive knot begging for release. For the first time since this all began, I’m choosing to stand still. Eventually this knot will unravel on its own … because I’m letting go.
Maggie and I pull up to the familiar brick building on Pine, and I smile. I don’t know what’s come over me lately, but these random adventures with my sister have been everything. So far, she’s let me drag her to Forks to see what the Twilight town looks like … because Robert Pattinson. We’ve explored a slew of vintage shops for unique clothes instead of relying on the same fancy brand names my sister has always been addicted to. And now, we’re trying Zach’s cooking school. Because it’s something neither of us has ever done.
It might be messed up how I got to this point, but I’m living, unafraid and moving forward. I’m happy.
I think of something Chloe said to me not too long ago: I’ve been clinging onto my own cocoon of safety for too long, avoiding experiences for fear they would only disappoint me. Now that my world’s been blown completely open, I’m craving more risks.
Today, I’m doing something I never thought I’d do—something I’m not sure I even want to do. I’m doing it because I can. And I’m dragging Maggie with me.
“This is stupid,” she hisses as we approach the door to Edible Desire.
“Shh. You’re mooching off me, remember? That makes you my bitch. Suck it up, buttercup.”
I bought a month of cooking lessons for us. And I’m expecting nothing less than complete and utter failure.
The moment we enter the building, I start to regret coming. There are reminders of Zach everywhere. But at the same time, I need this. I need to feel close to him. It’s been too long. Two months too long.
Although Zach and I promised to keep in touch, we’ve only been on two lunch dates and we chat via text a few times a week. It’s not easy. I miss him like crazy. But this time apart is necessary. For me. For him. After everything that went down, I feel as if I’ve taken off down a new road—one I need to learn to navigate on my own.
However, I’d be lying if I said that part of the reason I’m at this cooking class wasn’t because of Zach, though. Because as much as I want to prove to myself that I’m capable of trying new, uncomfortable things, I want him to know that he’s made his mark in my life. Eventually, I hope to show him that.
As I survey the room I haven’t seen in close to one year, a cute, enthusiastic girl in a bright blue apron greets us. “Hi! Are you here for the morning class?”
I nod and tug on my sister to get her to smile. “We are.”
“Great! If you can come with me, I’ll show you to your station and have you sign some waivers, and then we’ll get started as soon as the chef is ready.”
We’re stationed beside each other, bickering about the appropriateness of fake tanning in the summer, when a tall figure with light brown hair and blue eyes approaches. Jesus, my heart skips a beat. He reminds me so much of Zach. But this guy has dirty blonde hair on his face and head, and a slightly darker shade of ocean in his eyes. Not to mention a smirk that exudes a dangerous amount of confidence.
What’s worse, he’s staring straight at my sister as if he’s
found his next meal. I’ve seen that look before when Zach is picturing me naked. Uh oh.
“Ladies.” His smile grows wider. He extends a hand to Maggie first. “Chef Desmond Blake. Welcome to my kitchen.”
My eyes grow wide. Desmond. Holy shit.
“I’m Maggie,” my sister says. “And this is my sister, Monica.”
The sound of my name seems to yank Desmond’s eyes from my sister for the first time, and he smiles like we’re old friends. “No shit. You’re Cakes.”
I cringe. Desmond makes my name sound so slutty.
“I am. Hi, Desmond.”
He gives me a once over now, but I can see that, unlike how his eyes roamed my sister, my clothes remain on, thank goodness. He’s assessing me, possibly gathering information to relay to Zach. I’m not sure, but after a few more seconds, he’s excusing himself to prepare his station for today’s lesson.
“Shit,” I mutter softly when he walks away.
“What was that about?” Maggie looks angry, and I know she thinks her future husband just hit on me.
“That’s Zach’s best friend.”
“You haven’t met him before now? He’s hot, M. That’s a guy you let ruin your lipstick, right there. He should be on television—or in my dreams. Either way, he’d be the star.”
Despite my horror over meeting Desmond like this, I laugh. “You are a freak.”
Maggie sticks her tongue out, but I’m too consumed with my thoughts of Zach to react. Instead, I walk to the main kitchen where Desmond stands at the island.
He swivels to face me, a grin already plastered on his face. “It’s about time I meet you. I was starting to think those pictures were a sham.”
I blush.
“Don’t worry, he’s said all good things, I promise.”
I let out a breathy laugh. “Somehow I doubt that, but thank you.” I look around, unsure of what I want to say to him. “Um. I’m not ready for Zach to know that I’m here. We’re not really dating right now, and—”
