“Good, because I’m freaking cold. Next time, we’re going to the Bahamas.”
Phantom heat from the picture of us at a warm beach flowed through my body for a fraction of a second. I knew that it was highly unrealistic that we’d make that trip together, but I could always hope.
“I like the sound of that.”
“Good.” As if that was our cue to start packing up, he shooed away the model and reached for his camera bag.
“Should I get us a car?” I asked.
“Yes, definitely.” The snappiness was getting worse, and it was great to know that we were done for the day—if we didn’t get food into our systems soon, we would be an unpleasant pair.
By the time the car had arrived, the models and their bus had already gone. Our new driver was less accommodating and refused to help with the gear, which meant that it took quite some time to get it stowed into the trunk. Cameron muttered something about giving a bad review, and I almost felt sorry for the driver, as I knew it was mostly the lack of food that was behind that judgment rather than the driver’s performance.
The journey back was rather tense, even if Cameron did his best to keep up with some kind of conversation. The driver talked a mile a minute about his former job that he’d left to drive for Uber instead.
While the man continued to complain about his old boss, Cameron asked if I wanted to eat at the hotel or if we should go out. One part of me wanted to see more of Chicago, but the rational part of my brain said that we had to eat as soon as possible. The hotel won.
“Do they have room service?” I asked.
Cameron looked surprised, and that was when I realized how that might have sounded.
Of course, I blushed. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
Cameron let out a soft chuckle, which caused the driver to laugh even if I doubted he’d even heard us. He must have thought Cameron was reacting to something he’d said.
“I believe they do have room service.”
“Maybe it’s better to eat in the restaurant.” I would be mortified if he thought I was flirting with him.
* * * *
We ended up with room service, after all, as both of us felt less than ready to sit in the restaurant among others. Cameron placed the plates on the coffee table and scooted over on the small, light-blue couch, waving for me to sit down. I claimed the spot beside him and focused on the food in front of me. My mouth watered, and as if on cue, my stomach rumbled with hungry anticipation.
“Looks fishy,” I commented.
“They told me it’s cod, but I can’t for the life of me spot any cod on my plate.”
We both studied the odd creation and chuckled. I poked the delicately placed food with my fork, wondering what it all was. It looked too beautiful to eat, almost resembling small pieces of art.
“Smells good,” Cameron said. “Not sure what it smells like, though.” He scrunched his nose, and I couldn’t help but smile.
I found myself wishing that Gabriel could be a bit more like Cameron. The easy smiles, the free expressions, the laughter in his voice—they all made Cameron into the lovely person he was, and that person brought forth the best in others. Gabriel, on the other hand, had seemed to do the opposite of late. He even brought out the worst in me.
Cameron placed the fork on the plate and sat back. “You taste first.”
“What? No!” I pressed my lips together into a thin line.
“You’re my assistant. That includes tasting food first to see if it’s poisoned.” Cameron tried to sound serious, but he wasn’t convincing.
I crossed my arms and tried to appear as grave as I could. “You ordered the food.”
“Well, you wanted the fishy stuff, clearly this is your responsibility.”
I rolled my eyes and gave in, placing a small sample on my tongue. I relaxed back on the couch and savored the utter perfection of flavors in harmony.
“You’re moaning. I think I’ll have your plate too.”
My eyes flew open, just in time to catch Cameron in the act of dumping the contents from my plate onto his.
“Don’t you dare.”
Cameron broke out in laughter. “Oh, God, that was priceless. You look like an affronted kitten.”
While my face reddened, Cameron kept laughing until I attempted to steal his plate. He dove in to protect it and began to eat. The moan vibrating in his throat was enough to quiet both of us.
For a brief moment, our eyes met, and the silence contained a lot more than I’d bargained for.
* * * *
Sleep evaded me when I needed it the most. Exhausted as I was, my thoughts kept swirling in the wrong direction. I was in trouble, and I had realized it too late. It shouldn’t have taken me by surprise, but it did, and now I doubted if I could look at Cameron the same way ever again.
The dinner had been wonderful despite that brief moment of forbidden tension. We had mostly talked about the photo shoot and discussed some of the pictures. He appeared to value my opinion, but I wasn’t certain if he was being truthful when he said I had talent. It didn’t matter. He boosted my ego, regardless.
I shifted beneath the sheets, trying to find a way to settle down and deal with the guilt that surged inside me. I wasn’t supposed to be attracted to Cameron, and it wasn’t fair to compare Gabriel to him. Sighing, I shifted again. I needed to sleep, not think about errant thoughts I couldn’t do much about. The only thing to do was shove them to the back of my mind and refuse to listen, because Cameron wasn’t an option no matter how attractive he was. Even if Gabriel and I for some reason didn’t work out, Cameron was still out of bounds. He was my teacher and employer, certainly not a potential lover. That would be far too complicated. However, that didn’t stop me from being drawn to him.
I remembered reading about the laws of attraction for an assignment in school. Hormones didn’t distinguish, and it was fully possible to be attracted to someone while in love with another. Perhaps that didn’t agree with what people thought was appropriate, but it held some kind of odd comfort to know that science was on my side.
Sighing, I turned over again. It was no use—my conscience was roaring with unease about my budding feelings for Cameron. I was blaming myself for something I hadn’t done, but I figured that cheating came in many different shapes and forms.
It was time to go back and fight for the relationship I had. I wanted us to have a real chance together, because I knew how well we could work if everything fell into place. We had years of friendship to prove it.
Chapter Thirteen
When the plane began its slow descent over our city clad in late afternoon sunlight, I woke up from a fitful rest. Having remained awake throughout the night, the brief slumber hadn’t helped to alleviate my fatigue.
“You all right?” Cameron asked, moving a glass of water from his tray to mine. “I got you some… Thought you might want it.”
“Thanks.” I tried to smile, but my nerves had caught up with me. Fleeing to Chicago had helped for a day, but all my worries had returned with a vengeance.
“Do you want anything else?” The concern in his voice didn’t help. I didn’t want him to know of my turmoil.
“Nah, I’m fine.”
“Are you sure?”
I knew he was asking that question about my general mood, the question I had skirted past to begin with. Letting a tired smile tug at my lips, I leaned back and closed my eyes again.
The wheels hit the tarmac twenty minutes later, and when those who rushed out with bags left and right were finished, Cameron and I got out and made our way through the airport maze toward the baggage claim. The silence stretching between us had turned stale at some point—something I thought would never happen. It was all my fault, which made it even worse.
I did my best to act civil, but I was so caught up in my own tumbling chaos that I only heard half of what he was saying.
“Huh?” I shook my head. “I’m sorry. My head’s in the clouds.”
Camero
n chuckled, but I could tell from the sound that it was far more strained than usual. “I was asking if you have a ride home. I kind of assumed you would go with me, but you might have other plans.”
I considered calling Gabriel, wanting to believe that nothing was actually wrong between us, but not even I could fool myself to such a degree. Chris was another option, but I felt bad about calling him when Cameron had offered.
“That’d be great, thanks.”
“Let’s find our stuff then.” Cameron’s shoulders relaxed as if he’d been tense, making me wonder how badly I had screwed up to get us to this point. Perhaps he wouldn’t want me to be his assistant anymore. Not that I had been bad company throughout the trip, but certainly since last night. Breakfast had been the most awkward thing ever because I’d kept zoning out.
Cameron cracked a few jokes on the way back to campus, and I tried my best to laugh at the right places. It was a hollow sound—an echo that had traveled from an earlier time when I had been relaxed and not worried about Gabriel.
Leaning my head against the window, I looked out at nothing while thinking about the person I hoped was waiting for me at home. I hadn’t heard from him despite my efforts to make contact. It was tough to remain ignored, but I also knew that I had been the one to walk out. It was my responsibility to make sure we talked again.
“Are you coming by the studio tomorrow?”
I started at the sound of Cameron’s voice. Not entirely sure what he’d said, I backtracked and tried to come up with a logical sentence. Tomorrow.
“What about tomorrow?”
Cameron was silent for a second, biting his lower lip in a way that I’d never seen before. “You’re still in the clouds. You sure you’re okay?” His gaze was focused on the cars and pedestrians outside, but I could tell I held more than enough of his attention.
“Yeah, I’m sorry. Don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I lied.
“Maybe you should take a few days off if that’s the case.”
“I’m sorry,” I said again.
“No need to apologize. We’ll see each other in class during the week, so whenever you’re ready, just tell me.”
I hummed in reply, not sure what he wanted to express with those words.
Cameron stopped the car outside the apartment complex. “Want any help with your bags?” he asked, even though he knew I only had one. I found it odd but smiled and shook my head.
I rose from the seat and steeled myself for the goodbye. My break from reality was definitely over, even if I was reluctant to move on to deal with the huge pile of problems I had caused by leaving in the first place. I clasped the car door with trembling fingers. “Thanks for the ride.”
“No problem. See you in class tomorrow.”
“Yes, see you then.” I attempted another smile and shut the door, berating myself over how badly I had handled the situation. This wasn’t Cameron’s fault and he shouldn’t have to suffer because I couldn’t deal with my emotions.
Hoisting the bag over my shoulder, I peered up at Gabriel’s window out of habit. Light escaped from inside—Gabriel was there, a silhouette visible against the background. Steeling my resolve, I forced myself up the stairs and into Gabriel’s corridor. It was time to face this. It was time to solve our problems and deal with it like adults. I longed to hug him, kiss him and forget everything about our fight. I wanted everything to be simple again.
Hope and numbing guilt bubbled within me, feelings that got more and more confusing with each knock on his door. I reached for the solid wall for support, trying to boost myself with courage.
His steps sounded on the other side, then, the movement of the handle. My heart raced in response, and it refused to settle as he opened. But what might have been a rush of anticipation morphed as the look on his face sent a chill down to my very core.
“H-hi…”
With eyes darkened by scant light, he locked my arm in a tight grip and pulled me into the apartment. The door closed with a kind of finality that sent the wrong kind of signals along my neck. I backed up toward the wall, trying to find my center.
“Hi? That’s all I’m getting? No excuse? No explanation?”
His words hurt even if I knew they shouldn’t. I had tried to contact him, but he hadn’t answered. This wasn’t only my fault.
“We need to talk,” I said, hoping he would calm down so we could sort everything out. I had to make everything better, because I couldn’t handle the pressing guilt or his anger.
Gabriel’s jaw ticked with tension.
“You okay?” I managed to ask.
“You’re asking me if I’m okay?” Venom laced his voice, contorting the question into something entirely different.
“I’m sorry.”
The vicious shadow in his eyes grew darker, not halted for a second by my attempted apology.
I pressed my back to the wall, feeling the beat of my racing heart beneath my ribs. This isn’t happening. Haven’t we fought enough?
“Where have you been?”
I swallowed hard, wondering how I could explain without making it worse. He had reason to be angry, but the blinding rage he carried inside him caused nothing but pain.
He took a step closer. “Answer me!”
“Chicago.” The word left my lips like a wisp of air.
Gabriel towered above me, standing as close as a lover but not in the way a lover should stand. His frame was rigid and squared, similar to that of a bull preparing to charge. “I thought I meant more to you. Going off to Chicago with that fucking photographer, and you didn’t even tell me.”
I seemed to shrink where I stood. “I tried to call. So many times. You didn’t answer. I sent messages—”
“My phone got stolen last week. But that’s no excuse for you, Adam. What the hell were you thinking?”
That explained why he hadn’t replied. Maybe he was waiting for the weekend to fix things between us, and instead of making sure to catch him before I went, I’d left everything behind and fled.
“You…I…I tried to tell you that I was leaving.” The excuse was a feeble one. If I had been determined to find him, I would have done so. This was my fault.
“You shouldn’t even have thought about going. He’s all over you, and everyone knows it. You could have been raped!” He paused, inhaling slowly as if to calm down, but there was nothing calm about his expression. “Or perhaps it wasn’t rape. We fight and you run off to the next guy. Is that it?”
“How can you say that?” I tried my hardest to meet his gaze. “You’re wrong. That’s not what happened.”
“You’re a fucking lovesick puppy. Needing attention all the time.”
Is that how he thinks of me? Is that me? I couldn’t breathe.
Gabriel’s eyes flashed as if he had heard my thoughts and agreed. “So while I’m struggling with accepting this new life you want with me, you can’t even wait before you go fuck someone else.”
That word again. ‘Fuck’. Nothing had happened between me and Cameron, but I was far too aware of the forbidden attraction I felt toward him—an attraction I had to forget. I had to make Gabriel see that it was nothing, otherwise it would tear at both of us.
“We didn’t do anything. It’s just work.”
“Did you share a room?”
“No.”
He grabbed my shirt, pulling me toward him, only to push me back against the wall again with brutal force. The framed picture behind me fell to the floor, shattering upon impact and sending shards of glass in all directions. My ears rang with panic.
“What are you doing?” I asked, struggling to understand what was going on.
The pain blooming across my face came out of nowhere, driven into me with the force of his fist. Stumbling from the impact, I slipped and landed on the sharp pieces of what we’d broken apart. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. Blood from the cuts on my bare hands painted the floor in dark red. I kept staring at the thick drops, confused and strangely detached.
“Damn it! I’m sorry, Adam.” Gabriel leaned down, grasping around my arms to pull me up. “Fuck, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I never want to hurt you.” He kissed my forehead then my lips, as if begging for forgiveness while my palms continued to bleed. The pain seemed to transport me somewhere else, somewhere deep inside myself where hidden memories flared to life.
He turned my hands in his, surveying the damage while my eyebrow continued to pulse. “This shouldn’t have happened. You just make me so damn angry sometimes.”
Fighting through the fear, I used the undamaged side of my hand to soothe his frown.
“I’m sorry,” I said, far too aware that I had made a terrible mistake, but also that his rage hadn’t been the proper response.
“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have hit you. I don’t want to. You have to believe me when I say that.” He searched for a connection and held the gaze as if to show that he meant what he said. “But baby,” he ran a finger along my cheek, “you can’t betray me like that again.”
Betrayal. The word cut right through me.
“I won’t.” Again, my voice was barely above a whisper—weak and uncertain in the face of scrutiny. He was disappointed, and it was all because of me. I should have seen that he was struggling. I should have seen what I was doing to him.
Gabriel touched my lips with his, once, twice, then he retreated. “I don’t want you to see this old guy again.”
“He’s my teacher and employer, Gabriel. I have to see him.”
He shook his head. “He’s not only that, Adam. I’m not blind.”
Nausea threatened far too close to the surface. “You have nothing to worry about.”
His focus shifted to my busted eyebrow. “I’ll get you some ice for this, and something for your hands.”
The kindness in his voice made everything worse. Plagued by guilt, I promised myself that this would never happen again.
* * * *
I slept nuzzled into Gabriel’s side, calming down next to his warmth. It was the first time we had spent a night together since classes had started, and it felt as though I’d been transported back in time to the magical days around New Year.
Toxic Page 10
