“Then see him, but if he tries something, you have to tell me,” Gabriel replied.
“It won’t happen.”
I thought about bringing up the assistantship with Cameron again, but it seemed like a bad idea. The timing was terrible, and I wasn’t sure if it was an idea worth pursuing, either.
I cleared my throat. “I will start wearing my purple chinos again, though.”
Gabriel looked at me as if he hadn’t heard me properly. “What?”
“My purple chinos. They’re my favorite pair.”
“They’re ugly.”
“No, they’re not.”
Gabriel shook his head again, as if he couldn’t believe that our conversation had landed in a dispute about a pair of pants. I decided that he was right. It was a silly thing to argue about. Leaning closer, I tilted my chin to reach his lips with mine. Kisses made everything better, even with a head that was still bathed in a gray cloud. I hoped the concussion would let go of my brain in a few days. It was seriously tiring.
Chapter Eighteen
As we left March behind us, we found our way back into some kind of normalcy. I didn’t get around to asking about my position with Cameron again. I wasn’t even sure I wanted it anymore. He knew about Gabriel’s violence, and that was far too dangerous. I feared his questions, but more than anything, I feared the dreams I had about him. I knew it was wrong on so many levels. Forbidden touches and secret kisses conjured by my mind when I had no control. It was thoroughly unfair to Gabriel, but it was impossible to get rid of those dreams, no matter how hard I tried. My only option was to ignore them while I was awake.
Another reason for staying far away from Cameron was a less comfortable one. I couldn’t afford to set off Gabriel on another rampage now that we were finally doing better. I was slowly learning how to adjust, and I was rewarded through soft-spoken words and tender touches.
I’d also tried to salvage my friendship with Chris. Although we both had made attempts to hang out, he was acting strangely around me—as if he didn’t know what to say. I felt the same at times. There was this gap between us that hadn’t existed before, a gap that I had placed there with my repeated lies. Living with him became a struggle, and the only time I really relaxed was when I spent time within Gabriel’s embrace.
“What are you up to tonight?” Chris asked, cleaning up the trash on his nightstand. He paused as he realized that the bag of M&Ms wasn’t entirely empty and shoved a red one into his mouth. “Want one?”
“Nah, I’m fine, thanks.” I didn’t have a good answer to the first question. The easiest reply was to say that I had things going on, but on the other hand, I should spend some down time with my friend. Regardless of the tension, I still wanted to save our relationship.
“So, about tonight?” Chris asked again.
“Don’t know.” I had better ask Gabriel before I decided.
“Thought we could chill. Watch a movie or something.” Chris slumped onto his bed, throwing the empty packet of M&Ms in the bin.
“Just have to check.”
I could almost hear him asking ‘check what?’, but he didn’t comment. I was fairly certain he was well aware I was seeing someone. He’d hinted as much.
I typed a short but sweet message to Gabriel and pressed Send.
“What do you wanna see if you’re free?” he asked.
“Something nice.”
He laughed but it was strained. “That’s not much to go on.” Even so, he placed the laptop on his knee and checked Netflix.
“So, Netflix and chill, huh?” I joked.
This time, the laughter leaving his lips was of another kind. It bubbled up from his belly and echoed something from my childhood. I remembered me and my sister running around in the garden on a warm summer’s day. We’d had a sprinkler for the lawn, and it had made a great partner in our adventure. Laughter had rung in the air, both from us and from our parents, who’d sat on the porch. I hadn’t talked to them in a while. It was too hard to keep up the lies. I did speak with my sister sometimes, checking how she and Alicia were doing.
My phone vibrated softly in my palm, breaking my train of thought.
I’m going out tonight.
Letting out a sigh, I slumped my shoulders in defeat. I shouldn’t have been disappointed, especially since I wanted some time with Chris, but the short message was enough to plant a small seed of worry. Is he mad at me?
“So, no movie tonight?”
I looked up at Chris, wondering how he had come to that conclusion. “No. I mean, yes. We can watch something. It would be nice.” I tried a smile, keeping it up for a few seconds before I let it go.
“Awesome. I’m tired of waiting for Dante to get a chance to call me. I need to do something.” He shook his head. “I’m seriously pathetic. I mean, I’ll see him during spring break.”
My smile was easier to hold on to this time. Gabriel had told me he had something planned for the two of us, which made my stomach flutter in excitement. I couldn’t wait, especially since the recess was ridiculously late at our university. It should be illegal to have it in April.
“Are you going somewhere?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Nothing firm yet. Won’t matter where we go, though. Just seeing him again will be awesome.”
“I can see that.” I smiled at his goofy grin and the way his eyes sparkled with love. They were sweet together.
Chris brought his laptop to my bed and sat beside me. “So, what do you want to see?” He scrolled through some alternatives, asking what I’d seen and if I had suggestions. Unfortunately, he had seen most of the movies I suggested.
“Are you going home over spring break?” he asked as he continued to scroll.
“No. I have other plans.”
“Let me guess, you can’t tell me.”
My insides burned at his comment, shame and irritation all in one. I didn’t reply.
“You haven’t seen your folks in a while, though. Your mom called me the other day because she couldn’t reach you.”
“She what?” Blood rushed from my face, leaving me ice cold.
“She called me. You remember giving her my number when your phone was funky last semester?”
I did remember, but I never thought Mom would call Chris like that. “What did you talk about?”
“She asked if you’re okay. She said something about not hearing your voice as often these days.” He continued to scroll, his gaze focused on the screen.
I wasn’t surprised. Vera had said that Mom worried—which was another reason to keep away. My sister had voiced her concerns as well, and no matter what I told her, she’d refused to believe me when I’d said I was fine. It was even more difficult to keep up the lies with her. She was perceptive. Gabriel wouldn’t let me tell them yet, though, saying we were getting there, but that he needed more time. I had to respect that.
“I’ll be right back,” I said, rising from the bed to flee into the bathroom. I needed a second to breathe. Hands clenched around the sink, I met my gaze in the mirror. Wide eyes, skin too pale. My freckles stood out in the harsh light, and it felt like I could see right through myself.
Translucent.
If only.
I wanted to disappear, but I was too old to run away and hide from the truth. Mom missed me. I missed her. I missed so many things that I’d done before Gabriel had come back into my life, requiring so much love and attention that I had none left for others.
“Adam?” Chris called.
I turned on the tap and soaked my hands in cold water. It gave me a few more seconds of reprieve. Splashing my face, I tried to rinse away the traces of panic. I was stronger than this. That was what Cameron had said.
The mirror returned an image of myself that bore little resemblance to the former me. Focused rather than fraying at the edges. I didn’t need to excuse myself in front of Chris because he didn’t understand. He didn’t know how much I fought to keep Gabriel together on this difficult journey out of the clo
set.
Soft footsteps closed the distance between my bed and the door. I opened it before Chris had time to knock. “Have you picked anything?” I asked.
Chris’ eyes narrowed. “Fine, I’m not allowed to care about how you’re doing, or why your mom is worried. You know what, I’m tired of tiptoeing around you, Adam. We used to be friends, but this…” He gestured between us. “I’m not sure this is friendship anymore.”
“Just because we’re friends, you have the right to know everything?” I snapped.
Chris shook his head. “I don’t know. You’re not the same these days. Can’t you tell me what’s going on? I really want to know what’s wrong.”
“No, I can’t tell you. Don’t you think I would have by now?” The anger wrapped itself around my chest, coiling my muscles until the adrenaline turned sour. It festered in the pit of my soul, shutting every door that had previously been open between us.
He deflated, averting his eyes. “I’ll sleep in Samantha’s room tonight. See you tomorrow.”
It was probably for the best, but it still hurt to realize how messed up everything was between us. I had lost him, and the only guy who could possibly comfort me didn’t want to see me tonight.
When Chris closed the door, I fell onto my bed, fighting the tears that threatened to unravel the faltering control I had left.
Chapter Nineteen
I skipped breakfast, opting for an extra half-hour beneath my cover. Hiding from the world I no longer recognized, or maybe the world didn’t recognize me. Had I lost myself?
Faint trickles of weak sunshine slipped through the blinds, but the room remained dark. I used to dislike the dark, longing for a new day to begin. Last night’s fight with Chris had taken that away from me. It was my fault and I knew it. No matter how angry I was with his meddling, it was clear that it all came down to the choices I’d made.
I wished those choices were easier.
The alarm went off for the fifth time, urging me to get up and face the day, and the hurt in my friend’s eyes.
My tired toes met the cold linoleum, trying the floor as if afraid it would crumble beneath them. Was it crumbling? It almost felt like it was. Without Gabriel’s strong arms to keep me steady, nothing seemed quite as clear as it usually was. Could I go on? Did I have the strength to fight?
I avoided my gaze in the mirror and turned on the shower. The chilly water soaked my skin with a harsh reminder that I couldn’t hide forever. This was my life. I was living it right now and I had to decide what to do with it. Chris deserved an apology, at least. Losing him on top of everything else was a terrifying prospect.
My wardrobe was a sad sight. Most of my clothes had migrated to Gabriel’s room, and what remained were those items he frowned upon. Clothes that I once had been comfortable wearing. In fact, they were clothes I had worn with pride. Clothes that screamed to the world that I loved color.
I moved a bright blue shirt out of the way and grabbed a black one with purple detail. I liked purple. Still did. The green pants wouldn’t have been my first choice to go with the shirt, but I was out of options. At least I chose a pair of shoes that Gabriel liked.
The large hallways were crowded, allowing me to stay out of sight as I trudged close to the wall. I was running late for class, but so were most others. Usually, I tried to be seated before the students sauntered inside, taking a spot far away from Cameron to avoid trouble. He’d attempted to catch me several times after class to ask how I was doing, but I avoided those situations as much as possible.
I turned a corner and stopped dead in my tracks, my pulse speeding up from a slow beat to an angry pounding. What was going on? Chris and Cameron stood outside the lecture hall, talking to each other in hushed voices. I had never seen them talk previously, but there they stood, chatting with each other as if they’d known each other all along. It wasn’t hard to guess they were talking about me.
I felt betrayed. Chris had the nerve to talk behind my back—especially after our fight last night. Cameron hadn’t been involved in that argument, so why would Chris feel the need to seek him out?
Before I could confront them, Chris took off down the hallway as if he hadn’t meant to be seen. Confused and upset, I passed Cameron without a word, resisting the urge to slam the door behind me.
I tried my best to focus on what Cameron taught us during the lecture, which proved difficult as I wished to be far away. What usually felt like half an hour of class dragged on until I wondered if he’d made a double lecture of it without telling anyone. When he finally finished, I fled down the stairs and made my way back to Gabriel’s room. I needed to feel included rather than excluded. I wondered if it was some weird savior worship that made me have those dreams. I’d relived the moment he had carried me out from Gabriel’s room too many nights to count. It wasn’t right.
Storming inside, I crashed on the bed right next to my boyfriend.
He grunted out a sound of annoyance, clearly not ready to be awake.
The smell of stale alcohol reached me, but it didn’t deter me from burying my nose into his neck.
“Fuck, it’s too early, Adam.” He moved away an inch, enough to send a warning down my spine.
“I’m sorry.”
He moved again. “Can you bring me some water?”
“Sure.” I got up and took a glass from the nightstand. It was dirty, so I rinsed it as well as I could beneath the slow trickle of water from the tap. He should have called the manager about that tap long ago, but he usually got annoyed when I reminded him.
Gabriel sat on the edge of the bed when I got back, hair ruffled in all directions.
“Did you have fun last night?” I asked.
He reached for the glass in my hand and guzzled down the cold water. “One hell of a night.”
“What did you do?”
“Went to some strip club with the guys.”
“Oh…” I didn’t know how to react to that.
He arched an eyebrow as if that was the wrong answer. I decided to let it go. I doubted there were any male strippers at that place, anyway. I had no reason to be jealous.
“I’m glad you had fun,” I said instead.
“Yeah. One motherfucker of a hangover now, though.”
“Can I get you something else?” He probably had a headache.
“You can suck my dick.”
The way he said it almost made it sound offensive, less of an invite than a standard line to get out of his way.
Gabriel rolled his eyes. “Too fucking early, it seems.”
“I’m not a fan of dirty talk like that,” I said, hoping he would understand.
“How is it dirty to ask your partner to suck your dick? You’ve done it before.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Well, you’ve ruined the mood. I’ll take care of it in the shower instead.” He got out of bed and found a towel on the floor, not saying another word as he left me behind.
It wasn’t the first time he’d been an idiot after hanging out with his friends. It seemed they were a bad influence, but I wasn’t about to ask him to stop seeing them. They were all straight, at least. That was the difference between my friends and his, or that was his take on the issue. Either way, I had no intention of ruining his relationships as well. If not for those friends, we would be pretty much alone by now. Not that I got to hang out with them, but hopefully I would one day.
I wasn’t stupid, I knew it was wrong of him to ask me to stay away from Cameron and Chris, but I wanted to make him understand there was a better way. If I pressed the issue too early, however, he would strike back. He had found more reasons lately to become angry, and whenever he did, I got the brunt of his aggression.
Late one night, after a particularly bad evening, I had built up the courage to call the safe house. I’d wanted to get away where no one knew, where no one would judge me. I had closed that call the second they’d said they didn’t have any accommodation for men.
Unbidden tears burned be
hind my eyes. I knew how wrong it was. I knew that I was reaching my limit, and so far I hadn’t been able to help him. Whenever I tried to make him see reason, he got worse instead.
It was a losing game, but it hurt too much to admit that I wouldn’t succeed, that our love wasn’t real.
Chris had been right about one thing. I should see my family. Spring break was just a week away, and Mom had left plenty of messages to ask me if I was coming or not. I should have told her no from the start because Gabriel had told me that we would spend it together, but I wished we could find a way to do both. He knew my family. They wouldn’t be shocked to see him if I brought him along.
Gabriel returned from the shower, heavy drops falling from his dark hair. “You’re still here?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because you were throwing a hissy fit.”
“I wasn’t.”
“You were. You just do them in silence. It’s annoying.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Whatever.” He threw the towel on the floor again. Not able to stand the thought of a wet towel drying slowly on top of his clothes, I got up and moved it to the rack in the bathroom.
I took a moment to collect my thoughts and returned with a new resolve.
“We should see my family next week,” I said.
“I thought we would spend the week together.” He narrowed his eyes. “On our own.”
“Just for a few days,” I tried. “I really need to see them, and they’re begging me to come home. I haven’t seen them since Christmas.”
“I’ve already planned the trip. We can’t change it now. Maybe if you would have said something a few weeks ago.” He stepped closer and placed his arms around my back. His lips touched my forehead. “We’ll have a great week together, just the two of us, baby.”
A week together like the one we’d had after Christmas. That week had been perfect in every way. How could I say no to that? I had to hope. I softened in his embrace, holding on to the hope of a better day.
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