I could imagine what he meant, and I knew I would probably feel the same. I had never known what it was like to go hungry or to go without anything. Except for my dad.
Jonathan sighed. “Sorry. I don’t want to bring that cloud over today.”
I looked up at him and said what I was thinking, something I found extremely easy to do with Jonathan. “I don’t mind. I like to keep life in the realm of reality, rather than pretending everything is great when it’s not.”
I was thinking about my dad, but he didn’t know that and said something else. “But at the same time, Jesus taught me to appreciate all that I have, so I try to do that more than dwelling on the things I can’t change yet.”
“Yet?”
“Yet,” he confirmed. “I do plan to do whatever I can to change what I can. Including the things I can do here and now.”
I smiled. “Well, you’re certainly changing my world.”
There were families, hikers, and other couples here on the lovely fall day, but we were currently alone. He turned me toward him and leaned down to kiss me. I closed my eyes and experienced the sensation of his lips meeting mine. There was a comfortable quality to it, almost as if he had done so many times before, but when he lingered a bit, I went to a new place. A place of intimacy I had never been to with anyone and didn’t want to leave. Jonathan seemed equally affected.
He placed his fingers on my cheek as he slowly drew away, and he took a deep breath. “Everything about you is amazing, Jennifer. I’m trying to move as slowly as I can with this, but you’re not making it easy.”
I laughed. “Me? You’re the one. You need to stop being so perfect.”
He answered that with another kiss, but we weren’t alone anymore at the lookout point, so he kept it brief. We walked around some more, taking in the different views, snapping some pictures, and talking casually, not getting onto any particular topics. I was starting to feel hungry when Jonathan asked me if I was ready for lunch, but I felt like I didn’t want to leave.
“I brought some sandwiches,” he added. “We can get them out whenever you’re ready.”
“I could eat,” I said. “Can we stay here for awhile, or did you have some other things planned?”
“We can stay as long as you’d like. Let’s find a good spot to sit.”
Once we found a suitable place, I discovered Jonathan had a lot more in his backpack than a couple of sandwiches. He had a blanket for us to sit on. Grapes. Strawberries. Cheese and fancy crackers. Turkey sandwiches. Sparkling apple cider. I was laughing by the time he had everything out.
“Didn’t I say something about not being so perfect?”
He leaned over and gave me a sweet kiss. “You’re perfect.”
We enjoyed our picnic at a leisurely pace and remained sitting there on the blanket until the wind picked up and began blowing some dust around to the point we were ready to head back. I hated to leave, but Jonathan assured me we would come again, and I knew I had captured some great pictures and could hold our time here in my heart forever.
“This would be a great place to come camping sometime,” I commented when we were at the bottom of the trail where some campsites were located.
“Do you like camping?” he asked.
“I love camping. That’s what my family mostly does for vacation.”
“Where have you gone?”
“Up and down the coast. As far south as Monterey, California and north up to Depoe Bay. We’ve also gone to some inland lakes so my uncle could fish in freshwater. That’s his idea of a vacation--fishing someplace besides the ocean.”
“Did you go camping with your dad?”
“Yes. I don’t remember where we went exactly other than along the beach, except for the summer he died. We went to Sunset Bay that year.”
When we reached the car, Jonathan put his backpack in the trunk. He closed it and then turned to face me, reaching for my hands and getting a serious expression on his face.
“Do you mind talking about your dad and your memories of him, or would you rather I not bring up the subject?”
“I don’t mind. I like to remember.”
I thought he might kiss me, and I had a longing for that, but instead he pulled me close and just held me. At first I felt indifferent to his choice, assuming he would hold me for a moment and then we would be on our way, but when he didn’t release me in what seemed like a timely manner, I realized I needed to be held for the particular reason he was holding me--because of what we had been talking about.
Once I allowed the buried emotions to come to the surface, I let the tears fall. Jonathan didn’t seem surprised or alarmed, and he let me release what I often kept tucked away and didn’t let anyone see. And I didn’t feel uncomfortable doing so, or like I was spoiling our time together, or that I didn’t want to remember. I needed a moment of sorrow in this otherwise happy day, and that was okay.
After I stopped and assured Jonathan with a smile I was fine and we could go now, he kissed me, only this time it was different than any of the other times today he had done so. His other kisses had said, ‘I really like you, Jennifer. I’m glad we’re here today and can have this time together.’ But this time his deliberate affection was saying something else, and the words he spoke confirmed that.
“I care about you, Jennifer. I mean that very sincerely. I don’t pretend to understand how you feel about losing your dad, but I care.”
Chapter Ten
On Sunday morning we returned to The Lighthouse. Jonathan and me, along with Marissa, Adam, and Jeremy--with the usual seating arrangement in Jonathan’s car. Jonathan welcomed me with a sweet kiss when Marissa and I came out to the parking area, and I was a little surprised he would show me that kind of affection in front of the others, but I knew I shouldn’t be. Jonathan was a very open person, and we were with his friends he was close to, so why wouldn’t he?
We didn’t talk a lot to one another on the way to the church. Adam had come across a funny app on his phone, and he was reading the odd and random facts to us most of the way. Once we were at The Lighthouse, Jonathan held me back a bit from the others as we walked toward the front entrance, taking my hand and asking me if I had slept well and how I was doing.
“I am feeling quite happy today,” I replied.
“Happier than usual?”
He was teasing me, but I took his words seriously. I knew I was a generally happy person. Not bubbling over with laughter and giddiness all the time, but I had a basic satisfaction with how my life was going.
“I have a special reason to be happy,” I said.
“Me too,” he sighed peacefully, stopping momentarily to give me another kiss.
Once we were inside I experienced much the same as I had on Wednesday night, remaining by Jonathan’s side as he met various people in the large lobby and carried on brief conversations with one person after another. He introduced me to every one of them, some I had probably already met, but it was difficult to remember specific faces.
Unlike on Wednesday, however, when Jonathan’s friends had only glanced at me casually as Marissa’s roommate, this morning they took special note of me, considering Jonathan was holding my hand, I gathered. Everyone was nice to me, and some of them teased Jonathan good-naturedly. I had never felt so exposed and yet perfectly safe at the same time.
When we went into the auditorium, I saw what I had already noticed in the lobby. While Wednesday night had been a gathering of college students, this morning was for everyone of all ages. There were families, some with young children and others with middle and high school students. There were older people too, even those in their advanced years, but they had youthful expressions and appeared more joyful than a lot of the elderly I had been around in the past.
The music was similar, and I thought we sang a few of the same songs. The music coming from the stage wasn’t as loud though, and the singers and band members were different, but the auditorium was almost completely filled, and most of the people were
singing with a volume I could hear plainly all around me. Again I mostly read the words, some of them having little meaning to me, but others touching my heart in a way I couldn’t describe.
Before the pastor’s message, although I didn’t know that was coming at the time, a short drama sketch was performed. The main lights were turned off, and the stage was lit with spotlights to introduce each character being played by the actors: A girl who appeared to be around my age was a confused college freshman; A guy in his thirties was a stressed-out car salesman who was having trouble providing for his family; A mother of three young children who appeared tired; A child living in poverty who was feeling hungry and sad, thinking no one cared about him and his family; And an older gentleman who had recently lost his wife to cancer.
Each one expressed the current state of their life and their feelings regarding their problems and concerns. I could identify somewhat with the college girl because she was my age and going to school, but I didn’t feel I had reached a stage of confusion like she had, nor been through a difficult breakup with her boyfriend. I also related to the older man who had lost someone close to him.
One last person was spotlighted as she came walking onto the stage. She was a middle-aged woman with a sweet smile and a peaceful expression. As she was walking on, the other five people got onto their knees as if they were praying.
Opening an imaginary door, the woman stepped inside and play-acted she was talking to a receptionist, asking to see Walter Brady, and then she stood there waiting for a moment until the older man came to meet her. She called him “Dad,” and he seemed pleasantly surprised to see her.
“What brings you by, Darlin’? I wasn’t expecting you today. It’s only Monday.”
“That’s because this is a surprise. I’m taking you out for breakfast.”
The two walked off stage, and then the woman returned after a momentary pause, going on with her day after having breakfast with her lonely dad to mail a letter and a small package in an imaginary mailbox near the little boy and the college girl, then proceeding to use her cell phone to call the younger man who was her son, making him smile and offering him some encouragement.
The young mother was her neighbor whom she stopped in to see on her way home, asking if there was anything she could do to help her out, to which the mother replied, “I’m out of diapers for the baby, but my husband is working late tonight, and I can’t go to the store right now because my three-year-old is sick.” The woman offered to go for her and get what she needed.
The woman “went off to the store”, leaving the stage for good this time, but the blessing-others continued as the college girl opened the package her “aunt” had sent her, finding a novel and music CD inside that seemed to soothe her troubled heart, and then the little boy opened a letter from his “American Family” that told him he was special and loved by God and them. After reading the letter, he thanked God for his sponsors who made it possible for him to have the meal before him, and then he began eating heartily but was careful not to spill anything on his valuable letter that had fed his desperate soul.
I was crying quiet tears by the time the lights went down, and I felt something deep in my spirit. I wanted to be the kind of person who blessed others like that. Maybe not in those exact ways, but somehow, however I could. My mother was that kind of person, and I admired her a lot.
A man came on the stage then as the house lights were turned up. Sitting casually on the edge of a stool, he had a Bible with him, and he started talking. He introduced himself, and I realized he was another one of the pastors here. I didn’t know how many pastors the church had, but I had already met Pastor Dan on Wednesday, and this was Pastor Joe. He seemed a bit older than Pastor Dan, like maybe 45 rather than 30. He said something about it being good to have a lot of the college students back, filling up the chairs in the full room. Shouts and claps came from all over, including Jonathan and the other students around us. I was still thinking about the drama-sketch and how I’d been affected, but Pastor Joe seemed intent on making us all feel welcome, especially any who were here for the first time.
He did get back to the scenes we had witnessed fairly quickly, however, and I felt like I was hanging on his every word. I didn’t understand everything he was saying, but his overall message was clear. We all have needs, and we need to look to God to meet them, believing that He can and will as we trust Him. But also that God doesn’t work alone. He could if He wanted to, but He wants to include everyone in His Kingdom work, and we all have the capacity through His Spirit indwelling us to love and give and encourage those around us. Our family members, friends, neighbors, and even strangers, both near and far.
I felt like he had only been talking for fifteen minutes when he finished, but checking my watch I saw it had been more like twenty-five, and I would have been willing to sit there much longer. But when the band started playing, we all rose to our feet and sang some more songs, and they were fitting for the words Pastor Joe had spoken. I found myself feeling curious about two things: What I might need from God that He wanted to bless me with; And how He might want to use me to help others.
When Jonathan put his arm around my waist and pulled me close to his side, I had an epiphany. God had already given me something I had needed in coming here to college: two close friends, Marissa and Jonathan. And perhaps He was giving them something in me as well. I knew I could be a good roommate to Marissa. I wouldn’t be someone she would have to worry about stealing from her, or telling her secrets, or having obnoxious friends over being loud when she was trying to study. And I never would have thought I could be of value to a guy like Jonathan, but he had already told me otherwise.
We all went back to Jonathan’s dorm to have lunch at the cafeteria there, meeting some others from The Lighthouse. I was somewhat interrogated by one of his female friends I hadn’t met until this morning. Taylor called herself “Jonny’s surrogate sister,” but she didn’t explain why, and it was mostly in good fun. Once she heard I was a pre-med major, that was enough for her to be convinced Jonathan had a reason to be dating me, and she mostly left me alone after that. Jonathan did apologize for her later, hoping she hadn’t made me feel uncomfortable.
I said it had been fine, but he felt the need to explain, saying Taylor was the twin sister of one of his friends from his first two years here. His friend had decided to go into the Navy this summer, so he didn’t know how much he would be seeing Taylor, but he warned me she sometimes overstepped her bounds and could be rather blunt at times.
I wasn’t that worried because I figured most of the time I was around her would be when Jonathan was there too, and I told him something I felt sure of at this point.
“I always feel safe with you. Not just in a physical way, but emotionally too. I trust you to take care of me as long as we’re together.”
I meant it in the sense I would expect him to guard me from anyone saying something inappropriate or hurtful to me whenever he was around, but he took it another way.
“As long as we’re together,” he murmured, giving me a gentle kiss. “I hope that’s a very long time, Jennifer.”
Chapter Eleven
I saw Jonathan a lot over the next several weeks, and being with him was always the highlight of my day. My classes were fast-paced, as I had been warned they would be, but I could usually get my reading done during the day when I had breaks, and I had time for everything else in the evenings.
I saw Jonathan twice a day, either at lunch or dinner and then at some point before the day ended. Sometimes for several hours when we went to the library or to the student lounge in my dorm after dinner, but other days we both needed to study more seriously and would go for a walk and talk for a bit before separating once again.
We went to church together every week along with Marissa, both on Wednesdays and Sundays. Each week it seemed there were new things to learn and think about, but I didn’t feel overwhelmed with new information or like I had to understand it all. There were no
quizzes to take, and if I didn’t understand something that was said by one of the pastors or someone in our small group, I would ask Jonathan, and he always explained it to me.
Some things that were said by his peers he didn’t always agree with and he would say, ‘That’s one way of looking at it, but I don’t think it’s the only way.’ And he usually had some way of backing up his opinion, either by quoting something from the Bible or by sharing his personal experience, and I felt like he knew what he was talking about, not that he was guessing or making things up.
Saturdays became our time together more than any other, and Jonathan always had a date planned that was well-thought-out and creative. We would spend part of the day with his sister, or his friends I was slowly getting to know, but he always made time for just us too. On the final Saturday in October he had something planned for the two of us all day, but he was keeping it a surprise, although I suspected he may be taking me to the beach because we had talked about doing that when the weather was supposed to be nice, and today was a gloriously sunny day.
I was staring out the window at the brilliant fall colors when he knocked on the door. Marissa had already left for a church-thing she was going to with some friends. I didn’t worry about spending too much time with Jonathan and leaving her alone a lot because she had made many friends already and was away from the room more than I was. She wasn’t dating anyone officially, and she wasn’t interested in anyone specifically that I knew of. Michael was persistent, but she was sticking with what she had told him last month about only wanting to be friends for now.
Jonathan smiled at me and stepped inside the door to give me a hug. That was his standard greeting now, and it was familiar but not something I didn’t give much thought to. I loved it when he held me in his arms, whether it was for a moment or an extended amount of time--this was somewhere in between.
The Lighthouse Page 6
