I chose to believe that. I didn’t have any evidence it could be that simple, but I didn’t have any evidence to believe it couldn’t be either.
“I’ve been thinking of their days of parenting me as being over now that I’ve gone off to college, but I guess that’s not true, huh? They’re still my parents, and they always will be.”
“Your relationship with them will change,” he said, speaking from experience, I assumed. “But yes, they’re still your parents, and they’ll always be here for you.”
I thought of my mom and how she had left it up to me about where Jonathan was going to sleep while he was here. I hadn’t been anticipating that until she asked me, and I had a feeling of her seeing me as a young woman instead of her teenage daughter she would have been more vocal with on her opinion of my personal decisions. I wasn’t sure Uncle Stewart would be so in favor of Jonathan and I being together this soon in our relationship, but I also doubted he would say anything to me if he knew we were.
I decided to ask Jonathan about what he had said to me back in October on that subject. First I asked him if he still felt the same way as he had then, and he said he did. Then I asked him something else.
“What would you say if I told you I don’t want to wait?”
“Is that what you’re telling me?” he asked.
“No. I’m just wondering what you would say.”
He waited for me to look at him, and when I did, he smiled. “I’d say, ‘Too bad, sweetheart. You want me in your life--you get the whole deal.’”
“And why is it so important to you to do things this way?”
“Because I know it’s right--what’s best for us. For you, and for me.”
He took my hand and lifted it to his lips. Kissing my fingers gently, he rubbed my back with his other hand and breathed deeply. “I love you, Jennifer. That’s why.”
I didn’t totally understand, but I accepted his words. I trusted Jonathan in a way I couldn’t explain. And he had never betrayed that trust. He always gave me what I needed.
We did end up sleeping together for part of the night. We snuggled together there on the sofa until I fell asleep on his shoulder. I woke up at two a.m. and went to my room, laying a blanket over Jonathan before I left. In the morning I slept in and found him downstairs having a late breakfast with my mom and Uncle Stewart.
He smiled at me, and I took a seat beside him, telling him good morning and receiving a brief kiss. He asked if I’d slept well, and I said yes.
“How about you?”
“Well, I never made it up to my ocean-view room, but I slept fine.” He laughed. “I’ll have to put you to bed earlier tonight so I don’t fall asleep down here. Once I’m out, I’m out.”
“Sorry,” I said, but I wasn’t really sorry. Falling asleep in Jonathan’s arms had been a nice way to end the day.
We drove to the lighthouse that afternoon. It wasn’t open for tours this time of year, but we walked all the way up to it and around the large structure, touching its cool walls and eyeing a close-up view. We took some pictures of us together with the lighthouse in the background, and they turned out nice for being in the wind and it being an overcast day.
I put them online after dinner and got some nice comments from Jonathan’s sister and our mutual friends at school, but I also got a note from Jodi that was blunt and reminded me I had forgotten to call her today like I’d planned.
So I see you’re back in town but haven’t bothered to call your BEST friend!!! Call me if you have time.
I felt bad, but at the same time I knew my relationship with Jodi was changing, and I didn’t know if I could save it, or if I even wanted to.
Chapter Eighteen
I called Jodi on Sunday morning. Jonathan and I had decided not to go to church. I didn’t really know where to go around here, and he said it was fine if we just stayed at the house. I thought maybe we could go for a walk on the beach, but it was raining when we were both up and ready, so we went out to breakfast and then I called Jodi when we got back.
She was home and didn’t sound like she’d been up too long. She didn’t sound all that thrilled I had called either, but she didn’t say anything about me waiting three days to get around to it.
“So Jonathan’s here with you,” she stated. “How does he like our little town?”
“Fine. I took him to the lighthouse yesterday.”
“I know. I saw.”
“Yeah, so anyway, what are you up to? Any plans for Winter Break?”
“Not really. I’m working mostly. I have to be there at two today.”
“Jonathan will be here until Christmas Eve. If you have a free day maybe we can all do something.”
“Yeah, maybe. I’m not sure what my schedule is like this week.”
“Okay. You can call whenever.”
“Okay, bye.”
“Bye.”
I hung up and sighed. Jonathan was sitting beside me. He waited for me to speak, but when I didn’t, he put his arm around me and pulled me close.
I cried, but I wasn’t sure why. This wasn’t the first time Jodi had been like this, but I supposed I’d never had to admit that to myself like I did now with Jonathan here to see what was going on. It made me feel weak and exposed, but he said something I hoped was true.
“It’s not you, sweetheart.”
My tears subsided, and I didn’t feel like there was anything I could do now. Maybe next week after Jonathan was gone we could get together and Jodi would be less moody and more content to have some time with me while I was here.
I tried to put it out of my mind, and Jonathan helped by asking some questions about my family’s Christmas traditions. I thought they were pretty standard, and he sounded like his family did similar things, except they usually went to church on Christmas Eve.
“I remember going someplace when I was younger. When my dad was still alive. I think it was the Lutheran church, but I’m not sure.”
“What did you do?”
I tried to recall. “I remember candles and music. I’m not sure if we sang or not. I remember sitting on my dad’s lap and wondering why we were there.”
“I’m going to say something, and I want you to know I’m fine with it either way. I’m not saying this because I’m trying to talk you into it. I just want to give you the option, okay?”
“Okay,” I replied.
“And you don’t have to answer right now. You can think about it.”
I smiled. I had the feeling this was about his current plans to go home on Christmas Eve, but I waited for him to speak.
“I could stay through Christmas. I can wait and go home the day after instead of the day before. And if you want to come up with me and meet my family, you would be welcome to do that. I don’t want to pull you away from here if you’d rather stay, but the invitation is open.”
I said what I’d been thinking yesterday when I was wishing he could be here longer. “Your family will hate me if you miss Christmas.”
“No, they won’t.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“About all of it--even coming back with me?”
“Yes.”
“How do you think your mom will feel about that?”
“I think she’ll be fine. Uncle Stewart on the other hand--he might have words for you.”
We both laughed.
“I think you should tell him what you were telling me.”
“I was thinking about it.”
“If it was me, I’d want to know, and it will become more real for you that way.”
I knew he was right, but my main concern with saying something was maybe Uncle Stewart didn’t realize how I had felt all these years and it would be better to leave well enough alone instead of saying, ‘I really haven’t accepted you as my dad until now.’
I told Jonathan that, and he said, “I think he already knows. You still call him Uncle Stewart.”
“Have you ever considered they feel the same way? Your dad was alive even longer for them, and they’ve had fewer years here with Stewart.”
I hadn’t thought of that. I had always seen myself as being alone in how I felt. But it made sense.
I decided I would do it. And I felt strangely brave, a way I had rarely felt in the past but had experienced several times during the last couple of months. Peace, bravery, joy, a deeper sense of love and caring for others--I was changing, and I didn’t fully understand why, but I wanted to go with it.
I talked to Uncle Stewart that evening after dinner. My mom had gone to visit a friend in the hospital, someone she used to work with at the school who was undergoing some intense cancer treatment. Uncle Stewart was reading in the den, and Jonathan and I were planning to go see a movie, but I wanted to talk to him first.
I just said it straight out, being as honest as possible and telling him how I had felt and why. He didn’t seem surprised, like Jonathan had predicted, and he didn’t seem resentful about what he already knew.
“I’m sorry it’s taken me so long, but I’m realizing now you’ve been my dad in every way that you could be these last six years. And I just want you to know and to say thank you. You took the most awful thing I’ve ever been through, and you made it okay.”
He pulled me close and hugged me without any hesitation, and I cried softly in his arms. It was like having my dad back. Being held with such love like I remembered. Only it was Uncle Stewart, and I loved him too.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about, Jenni,” he said, sounding like he wanted to comfort me more than anything. “I lost my brother. I know what that kind of pain feels like. And I’ve never wanted anything from you. I’ve just wanted to ease your pain and make you feel safe.”
“And you did. Is it okay if I start calling you Dad?”
“Yes.”
“I love you. Thanks for everything.”
“I love you too, Jenni.”
After he released me, I told him Jonathan and I were going out to the theater. I knew my mom would be back soon, so I wasn’t worried about abandoning him, but he asked me something before he let me go.
“Can I ask you something about Jonathan--as your dad?”
I smiled. “Sure. You can ask me anything.”
“Does he always treat you as well as he does in front of your mom and me?”
“Yes,” I assured him. “He’s the same no matter where we are or who’s around.”
He seemed satisfied with that, but I decided to ask him something in return.
“Do you think Mama would mind too much if I spent part of Winter Break in Portland with his family?”
“You should probably ask her yourself, but I don’t think so. She was telling me yesterday how relieved she is to see you with someone like Jonathan.”
“He’s thinking about staying for Christmas and then having us both go up there for a few days, but I don’t want to upset Mama--or you.”
He smiled. “Seeing you happy is the most important thing to both of us, but I’m sure she’ll appreciate it if you ask how she feels.”
I had another thought related to him marrying my mom and becoming a part of our family. Sometimes I wondered if he did it partially out of obligation, just to meet a need rather than for love, but all evidence pointed to the contrary.
“Why did you want to marry Mama?”
“Why else? We fell in love.”
I thought that would be a good note to end on, but he spoke again.
“I never thought she would love me back, but she did.”
“Why didn’t you think so?”
“Because she and Steven had a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love, and I couldn’t imagine her feeling the same way about me. In fact, I didn’t allow myself to imagine or hope for it until she told me she did.”
“I know the feeling,” I laughed, then added in a loud whisper. “I brought a guy home for Christmas! What is he doing here?”
Uncle Stewart smiled and reached for my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “He’s here to have time with you. Go on your date, kiddo. And cherish every moment.”
I gave him one last hug and whispered my response. “Thanks, Dad. I will.”
Chapter Nineteen
I felt really different that evening. In fact, I couldn’t believe how different. I was wrapped in a blanket of joy that no one could take away.
The movie was okay. Not great but not bad. Jonathan apologized for choosing it afterwards, but I didn’t care. It could have been a lot worse and I wouldn’t have cared. I was just happy to be with him and have this feeling in my heart.
“Nothing could spoil this evening for me. Thank you for telling me to talk to Uncle--to my dad.”
He smiled, and I did too.
“You’re braver than you think.”
“Braver now. Why is that? Why do I feel braver and stronger and more peace and joy? Why do I have this intense need to show people more love. I’ve never been like this.”
“Jesus changes us. Knowing Him. Knowing His love. It makes a difference. It makes us different.”
“Is this how you feel all the time--how you’ve always felt?”
“No, not always,” he sighed. “For a long time it was about going to church, doing good things, hearing the Bible stories. But it wasn’t personal for me. I heard about God and I believed it, but I didn’t internalize the truth. He was caring for me and guiding me, but I didn’t think of it that way.”
“When did that change?”
“A few years ago.”
We had reached the car, and he opened the door for me. I slipped inside, and Jonathan continued once he was in the driver’s seat.
“It was during my senior year. I was looking at colleges and trying to decide what I was going to study. One day my dad asked me if I’d prayed about it, and I said I hadn’t, so he suggested I start there.”
“Did you?”
“Yes, but I didn't really expect an answer. It was more like, ‘Okay I’ll pray about it, and then I’ll decide,’ not ‘I’ll pray about it and see what God says.’”
“What did He say?”
“It wasn’t so much anything I heard. More like little nudges in my heart. I kept going back to the OSU catalog, and then other schools faded away. And after I applied and was accepted, I had peace about pre-med, so I decided to go with it. But I began to see that God might not give me the whole plan from the beginning.”
“And you’re still not sure about it all?”
“No. But it’s been a great ride.”
“What’s been the best part?”
He hadn’t pulled out of the parking space yet. He was waiting for the foggy windshield to clear, and it almost had. Jonathan turned fully to face me and reached out to stroke my cheek.
“You, Jennifer,” he said with absolute certainty. “The best part has been meeting and falling in love with you.”
That wasn’t what I expected him to say, and it scared me. Two and a half years of college and I was the best part? I didn’t believe that was possible. I didn’t believe this could last.
“That scares me,” I admitted.
“Why?”
“Because it seems too good to be true. Maybe you followed God and ended up at Oregon State and have peace about where He has led you, but I didn’t do that. How could I possibly end up with you in such a short time? Why me? Why not one of the girls you’ve been seeing at The Lighthouse for the last two years who’s been seeking and following God like you have?”
He seemed to understand my reasoning and where I was coming from. Lowering his fingers from my cheek, he reached for my hand and held it gently. He appeared to have something to say, but he took his time saying it.
“I think sometimes God wants us to seek Him. Like how I knew Him but didn’t really know Him, and when I figured that out, I wanted to turn to Him. I could have gone in a different direction, but in my seeking
He showed me how real He is. But other times, He doesn’t wait for us to do the seeking. He’s the seeker, and He shows up in an undeniable way.”
I could see that. I couldn’t begin to explain how God worked, but I knew things were different, and I believed He was behind it.
“You know what I find amazing?” Jonathan asked.
“What?”
“How freely you receive what He has for you.”
“But I’m just getting started. I don’t--”
“No, Jennifer. Trust me. I see a lot of people push it away. They reject Him without giving it any thought. They don’t know what it’s about, and they don’t want to know. Or they do, but they can’t bring themselves to trust Him fully. But you--your heart is so open. It’s beautiful. And I want to be by your side in the journey. To see where He takes you and where you’re willing to go.”
“I’m willing, but I’m still scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“Where the sidewalk ends. When I get hurt. When it all goes away.”
“You know what God’s love is like?”
“What?”
“It’s like the coastline. It just goes on and on forever. It takes different forms at times. Some places you can walk fine on your own. Some places He has to carry you. Some places are smooth and flat. Some are rocky and going every-which-way. But it’s never-ending. That’s the one thing you can always count on.”
“And when you’re away from it, you long to get back as soon as you can?”
He smiled. “Yes.”
A peace came over me I knew was real, even if it seemed impossible to feel this way. Jonathan’s sweet kiss magnified it, and I felt like I should be afraid, but I wasn’t.
We went back to the house and spent another hour together, but I made sure we got upstairs before I fell asleep so Jonathan could sleep comfortably in a bed too. He kissed me good-night outside the door and told me to sleep well, and I did.
The rest of the week was similar. One happy and peaceful moment followed by another. On Christmas Eve I called Jodi to wish her a merry Christmas and we had a good conversation, up until the point she asked me if Jonathan had left today as planned and I informed her of our new plans.
The Lighthouse Page 11
