I got her to go hiking with me the following day. It was nice out and there wasn’t anything to do in the yurt except read, and Jodi wasn’t a big reader. She read sometimes but had to be in the right mood and have the right book. We walked the entire trail from Sunset Bay to Cape Arago, but not all at once. I put together a picnic lunch to have halfway there in the gardens of Shore Acres, and then we stayed at the lighthouse viewpoint area after we arrived. It was a cloudy day, but it wasn’t rainy, and the breeze was mild. I loved it here almost as much as my own beach and knew I needed to bring Jonathan sometime.
“It is peaceful here,” Jodi said when we were on the last stretch near the campground. “Sometimes I forget what silence is like.”
I could understand that between her food service job, attending school, and her family. Her house was never quiet. Everyone was always yelling or bickering. I didn’t like going there much.
“How did you manage to get these days off?” I asked, just now realizing that could have been a problem, but she hadn’t mentioned anything about it.
“I had Tuesday off and I traded today and tomorrow for the weekend.”
That made me realize how much Jodi had wanted to do this. If she hadn’t, she would have used work as an excuse. “I’m glad you’re here,” I said. “Even if you’re not having any fun.”
She smiled. “Thanks for talking me into it. You’re right. It’s good for the soul, and that’s hard to come by these days. Life was much simpler in high school. A drag sometimes, but simpler.”
I asked what was so complicated about her life right now, and she blurted out the answer. “Everything!”
“Okay, I’m listening,” I said seriously.
She sighed. “You don’t want to know.”
“Probably not, but I want to hear it. I mean, I want you to talk about it if that will help.”
“It won’t help.”
“Try me. One thing. The biggest burden on your heart right now.”
She took a moment to think and seemed to give an honest response.
“I feel like I’m never going to get out of here--out of Bandon, I mean. I thought going to school in Coos Bay would help, but it’s too close. I want to go someplace far away and never come back.”
“Like where?” I asked. “Seriously.”
“California, New York, Europe. I want a new life. Away from my family. Someplace I can meet new people and forget I’m dating a married guy. To have a great job and my own apartment and travel to warm beaches and exotic places.”
“Sounds like a nice life,” I agreed.
“Well, we can always dream, right?”
I agreed with her, but I knew my current life wasn’t too far from my dreams. Maybe not any dreams I had specifically imagined; but Jonathan, God, and my other relationships were certainly meeting the desires of my heart. If I could choose Jodi’s idea of a dream life over what I had now, I wouldn’t. It might be nice for awhile, but in the long run the satisfaction with those things would fade.
“Can I give you a more realistic alternative?” I asked her.
“Sure,” she replied, not sounding optimistic something good could be realistic. And the truth was, I had a difficult time believing it myself, and yet it was happening to me. Why couldn’t it happen for her?
We had reached the yurt, and we went inside, getting something to drink and then sitting down before I continued with my big speech I could feel forming in my thoughts.
“When I went to school this year, I didn’t expect any of this to happen. Meeting a guy? That was so low on my priority list. You know me! I didn’t even want to go to Prom, and then after that experience, I didn’t care if I ever dated again!”
Jodi knew all about that, and she had to agree with me, which she did with a polite smile, and I moved on.
“Anyway, then this guy shows up on the first day, and he turns out to be my roommate’s brother, and what can I say? They’re two of the nicest people you’ll ever meet in your life, and he’s good-looking and smart and funny, and just plain irresistible. I didn’t think I’d have a chance with him, but less than a week later he’s asking me out, and I can’t say no, and now I’m sitting here three months later telling you I’m in love with him, but you know what?”
“What?” she asked dryly, but I could see a little smile twitching on those stubborn red lips.
“It’s more than that. Jonathan is only part of the story. You want to hear the rest?”
She laughed. “Do I have a choice?”
I smiled. “Yes, you do, actually. I’ll shut up now if you want me to, but if you want to hear this, I’m happy to share it.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
We were interrupted by a knock on the door. I had no idea whom it could be other than a park ranger stopping by to see if we needed anything, or maybe a neighboring camper. But Jodi seemed to know who it was, and she got up to open the door.
“You came!” she said. I couldn’t see who it was immediately, but when he responded, I realized it must be the married guy.
“I did. I said I would. Is this a good time?” He peeked around Jodi and saw me sitting there, but neither of us said anything.
“Yeah, sure,” Jodi said. “Let’s talk out here.”
She stepped out and closed the door, and I didn’t feel walked-out on, but I did feel disappointed he had showed up, especially right now when I was about to declare my secret to a good life. But at the same time I wasn’t surprised Jodi had asked him to come, and the possibility that doing so was the entire reason she was here wouldn’t surprise me either.
It made me feel depressed for a moment, and I thought seriously about packing my stuff and leaving if Jodi was gone for any length of time. If this was the life she wanted, she could have it, but she wasn’t going to hurt me anymore in the process.
But almost as quickly as the thought came, I could feel it leaving me. Jonathan had said something before I left his house about wishing he was the one going camping with me for three days. He wasn’t serious about us going away together to be alone, but it was his way of saying he would miss me.
“I’ll be there with you in my heart,” he said, and I clung to that. I knew he was praying for me, and I was reminded I wasn’t alone right now. Jesus was here. Joshua was with me. And believing that gave me a lot of peace. Maybe my time with Jodi had come to an end, but I would leave here the same as when I had stepped through the door yesterday, and I was happy with me, with my life, and the journey I was on.
I went to the window to see if they were nearby or had walked off somewhere, and I didn’t see anyone. I waited for another ten minutes and then left Jodi a note saying I was going for a walk on the beach. It didn’t occur to me they might be down there until I was on my way, but I decided to keep walking anyway. They didn’t own the beach, and coming here had been my idea. I wasn’t going to sit in the yurt by myself for the rest of the afternoon.
But they weren’t there. Sunset Bay was just that: a small landlocked bay, but the beach was long enough for a pleasant walk, and I went as far as I could. When I turned around to head back, I saw someone in the distance standing down by the water, but I didn’t realize it was Jodi until I got closer. She appeared to be alone, and she didn’t move until she began to wander down to meet me.
“Hey,” I said. “Did he leave?”
“Yeah,” she replied. “Sorry. I didn’t think he would actually show up.”
“Why did he go?”
“I broke it off.”
I was surprised. “You did?”
“Yes.”
“Is that why you asked him to come here?”
“No. When I talked to him on Saturday I told him I was coming here with a friend and suggested he could drop by, and when I first saw him I thought, ‘Wow. He must really love me.’ But then we went for a walk, and he said he couldn’t stay long, and I realized, ‘This is stupid. This isn’t going anywhere. Jen is right.’ So I told him to go home to his wife and that I didn’t want to s
ee him anymore.”
“And he just left?”
“No, he tried to convince me that once school started again everything would get ‘back to normal’, and I said, ‘This isn’t normal! This is sick! Your wife is pregnant and you’re having an affair with a nineteen-year-old! Why would I want to be with a guy like that?’ And you know what he said?”
“What?”
“He said, ‘Because that’s the kind of girl you are, Jodi. You’re not the marrying kind. You’re the playgirl married guys can have fun with.’ And he wasn’t making it sound degrading. He was making it sound daring and sexy, but a thought came to my mind, and I said it.”
“What?”
“I said, ‘I guess that means I’m always going to feel unhappy and depressed.’”
She didn’t need to tell me the rest, and I gave her a hug, holding on for a long time. She didn’t cry but seemed lost and numb, like she was shutting out the pain but it was all around her just the same.
I asked her if she wanted to hear my version of a better life, and she seemed desperate to hear it but skeptical at the same time, and I didn’t know if I could convince her of anything today, but I could try. I could give her something to consider and the hope of a better way.
Telling her about my journey of discovering God came easily as we sat side by side in the dry sand, and she listened. “I don’t know what specific ways God wants to touch your life, Jodi. But I know He does.”
“So, you’re saying I should start going to church and all this magical stuff is going to happen?”
“No. You don’t have to go to church. Just open your heart. Pray and ask God to show you His love. Ask Him to guide you, and listen. Listen closely and you’ll hear Him. And follow closely, and you’ll end up somewhere you can’t imagine right now. Someplace good. Someplace only He can lead you. It’s like your very own lighthouse that will guard you, guide you, and fill your heart with beautiful light in the process.”
“Why would He want to do that? I’m nobody. I’m just--”
“You’re His. Don’t ask me to explain it. I don’t understand it myself. But I’ve seen the reality of it. And I wasn’t even looking for Him when He came looking for me. He showed up, and I needed that more than I knew. I thought I was doing okay, and I was. But He wants more for us than okay. He wants amazing and extraordinary and beautiful.”
“Even for me? Someone so stupid I didn’t know the guy I was dating was married and then was stupid enough to stay in it even when I did?”
“Yes, Jodi. Even you. Even anybody, no matter what we’ve done or haven’t done. It doesn’t matter. He just wants to come and make a difference for us now and take us on from here. He can’t erase my dad’s death, but He can make it okay. He can’t change what we’ve done, but He can change our hearts and our thinking. He can show us the better way.”
Jodi seemed thoughtful, and I let her think. When she spoke, I smiled because I had said the same thing to myself initially.
“I don’t know how to pray. I never have. What am I supposed to say?”
“What’s in your heart. How you feel. What you want. What you’re sorry for. What you need. Just talk, and He listens, and then wait to see how He answers.”
***
I left Jodi sitting there on the beach to have a private conversation with God if she decided she wanted to. I went back to the yurt to get started on dinner, and I had a unique feeling in my heart. That had been easier than I expected it to be, and thrilling! And I really hoped she would take what I said seriously and begin a new chapter of her life.
I had everything ready for the fish tacos by the time she returned, and I was prepared to have dinner and not talk about it anymore if she didn’t want to, but the first thing she did was cross the room and give me a hug, which wasn’t like her.
She didn’t say anything, and I smiled when she stepped back. There were some tears under her eyes she wiped away, and then she commented on the food.
“This looks wonderful. I’m starving!”
“Then let’s eat,” I said, taking the paper plates from the counter and handing her one. “This is one of my mom’s specialties, so I know it’s good.”
I had helped my mom make them before, and they turned out the same here, and I enjoyed every bite. But what really made the meal was when Jodi shared a few things about her time of prayer on the beach. She started out by asking me what I had prayed the first time, and I had to think about it because prayer had been a gradual thing for me. I’d begun with echoing the words in my own mind of others who prayed, but eventually I had started talking to God on my own.
“I remember getting up one morning, and I knew it was going to be a busy and stressful day, and I said something like, ‘Help this to be a good day,’ and it ended up being one of the best days I’d ever had.
“After that I just asked whenever I had a particular need or question on my heart, but the most memorable moment was when I asked Him why my dad was gone.”
“Did He answer you?”
“Yes. And it’s been an ongoing thing. I think there are many reasons, and He’s slowly revealing them to me.”
Jodi shared the things she had talked to God about, and some of them were what I would expect, but others were more surprising. One of the things I had discovered in going to church was people tended to be really honest when they shared ways God was working in their life. It was something if they felt led to talk about, then they couldn’t hide anything, and Jodi’s heart became so beautiful to me as I listened to her. Not because her life was full of beauty, it wasn’t yet, but because she was being honest and real.
I told her I wanted her to call me at school and share how God was working in her life in the coming weeks. I had Jonathan and Marissa to talk to about this stuff, but she didn’t have anybody, and I wanted to be that person for her. Even if it was messy. Even if she made mistakes.
“The great part is you don’t have to be perfect, Jodi, just real. Real with God. Real with the people in your life. And real with yourself. And I’ve found that far easier than trying to be someone I’m not.”
“Do you feel like you’re being real with Jonathan?”
“Yes. One-hundred percent.”
“I’ve never been real with guys. I’ve only been who they’ve wanted me to be.”
“Until today?”
She smiled. “Yeah, I guess I was pretty real. I told him how I felt, that’s for sure!”
“I’m going to pray you meet a really great guy,” I said. “And you pray for it too, okay? I’m not saying he’s going to show up tomorrow, but I certainly wouldn’t rule out the possibility.”
“I’m not sure I’m ready to meet him yet,” Jodi admitted. “I think I need to let God be real for me first.”
“Maybe so, but don’t push anything away that’s obviously a gift from above.”
She smiled peacefully. “You’re a gift, Jen. I’ve always known that. Nobody puts up with me like you do.”
“You know I would love it if you could be at OSU with me next year. It’s not New York or Paris, but at least it’s away from here.”
Jodi sighed. “I can’t afford it.”
“Maybe that’s something to ask God for.”
She looked at me like I had opened a wide window of possibilities for her. Things she had been longing for might possibly be within her grasp? Could it really be?
“I suppose if I’m going to meet that great guy God has for me there, He has to get me there first, right?”
I laughed. “Right!”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Driving to school the following Sunday had a different feel than when I had first come in September. I had come alone, nervous, and wanting to turn back at every opportunity. But now I felt anxious to get there and excited about the days ahead. And it wasn’t just about seeing Jonathan again, although that was certainly part of it. I was also anxious to get back to sharing a room with Marissa, starting my new classes, attending worship gatherings at
The Lighthouse, and seeing what surprises God may have waiting for me.
I started to feel a little scared when I drove into Corvallis and headed for the campus. I had never felt as optimistic about life as I did now, but what if everything was different? What if Jonathan and I broke up, or what if he and Marissa were in a car accident on the way down and didn’t make it at all? I had other friends, but they were mostly my world for now, and I couldn’t imagine being here without them.
Or what if this high I felt simply didn’t match up with reality, and I felt homesick by the end of the week? I tried to keep my expectations in check and wait to see what would actually be as I got my bag out of the car and walked toward the dorm entrance, but seeing Jonathan waiting for me under the covered walkway, it was impossible to not smile and quicken my steps to meet him.
I had talked to him last night, but his sweet embrace and soft-spoken words warmed my heart and reminded me why I’d been looking forward to arriving--of the thing I had been missing most the last few days.
We went upstairs to drop off my stuff and meet up with Marissa before we went to get an early dinner, and I was glad it was just the three of us at first, but as others came and we went to see a movie with some of them, it was a nice evening all around, and I went to bed feeling hopeful that more good days were to come.
Most of my classes were the same as they had been last term, just the next level up, and everything fell into a nice routine by the end of the week. On Friday night Jonathan and I went out to dinner, just the two of us, and it was nice to have some extended time with him where we didn’t have to study or be somewhere by a certain time.
He had something he wanted to ask me. He was considering going on another mission trip this summer, and he wanted to know how I felt about that, and if I might like to go along. I felt nervous about it, but I knew I would be okay with Jonathan, and he said Marissa was thinking about going too.
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