by Wende Dikec
“Nick?” I could barely form the word. My throat felt swollen and dry. I struggled to keep my eyes open long enough to hear her answer.
She smiled, tears brimming on her eyelashes. “He’s fine, darling. Now rest, my dear, brave girl.”
When I woke up again, I felt much better. My mother stayed by my side with ice chips and water to sip. My father helped me into a sitting position and fluffed my pillows. My entire room had been filled to the brim with flowers and balloons. Dr. Carter came in to check on me.
“You gave us quite a scare again, young lady.” He looked at me sternly over his glasses as he listened to my heart. “But I think you’re going to be just fine. We just have to do a few more tests, and we may never understand why you went into spontaneous cardiac arrest like that, but I think you’re doing remarkably well.”
“I had a heart attack?”
Dr. Carter shrugged. “As far as we can tell. One minute you seemed perfectly fine. The next you needed a team of cardiac specialists to restart your heart. Do you remember anything about what happened?”
I shook my head. I couldn’t exactly explain the soul reaper to him. Better just to keep my mouth shut.
Dr. Carter gave me a lecture about taking care of myself. I think he suspected I’d done drugs. Since there was nothing in my system, he just vaguely hinted at it. I tried to be patient. I listened to what he had to say, nodded at the appropriate times, and denied any knowledge of drug use, which happened to be the truth. He wasn’t convinced, but eventually he must have realized that he’d gotten all the information possible from me and left my room.
Before the door had even closed completely, I grilled my mom. “Where is Nick? Did he wake up? Is he okay? Can I see him?”
My mom glanced at my father, and I saw an odd look pass between them. Then she turned to me with a falsely bright smile. “He’s fine, sweetie. He’s sitting up and talking. He’s in better shape than you at the moment, actually.”
I wrinkled my brow at her. “When can I see him?”
My father patted my hand. “Let’s give it some time, okay peanut?”
I shook my head. “No. I want to see him. Now.”
My mom went for a tactic she knew would work. “But darling, you’re a mess. Why don’t you rest a bit, and then we’ll see if we can get you a shower?”
I looked at the ends of my hair. It did seem rather nasty. I nodded and yawned. “I’ll take a little nap, then I’ll get ready.” I saw a brief flash of relief in my mother’s eyes, but felt too tired to question it.
After I slept and ate and had a barrage of tests performed by Dr. Carter, I finally took a much-needed shower. My mother brushed and dried my hair, pulling it off my face with a wide white satin ribbon, and helped me put on a pretty pair of pajamas and a bed jacket. When I saw myself in the mirror, I was shocked. I looked paler than I’d ever been and had dark circles under my eyes. After a little concealer and a lot of blush, I appeared only slightly more human.
“Let’s go,” I said with a smile. My parents didn’t smile back. They looked worried.
They forced me to ride in a wheelchair, but that was probably for the best. Just taking the shower and getting dressed had nearly exhausted me.
When we pulled up to Nick’s room, Uncle Johnny and Uncle Danny stood outside with the other Fortuna brothers, waiting for us. They clapped when they saw me.
“Here she is,” said Uncle Johnny with a smile. “Our hero.”
“Heroine,” corrected Uncle Danny. He winked at me. “You’re a rock star, girl.”
“Thanks.” I tried peeking into Nick’s room, getting impatient to see him.
“Does she know?” Uncle Johnny spoke in a soft voice to my father, but I heard him anyway.
“Know what?” I looked at all their faces. Something was definitely wrong. I grabbed ahold of the wheels on the chair and pushed myself into Nick’s room.
Nick looked great. He sat up in his bed, talking to his mother. A nurse took his vital signs, and she laughed at something he’d said. Everyone froze when I came into the room. The nurse put his file back into place at the foot of his bed and scurried out past me. Maria kissed me softly on the cheek.
“Lily. How are you?” I could see the concern in her dark eyes. I knew it was for me, but I didn’t understand why.
“I’m fine.” I turned to Nick. He watched us with a bemused smile on his face.
I wheeled as close as I could to his bed, and then gave up when I couldn’t get past a chair and some cords on the floor. I stood up on wobbly legs. Maria and my mother immediately rushed to help me.
The walk to Nick’s bed turned into the longest couple of feet I’d ever walked in my life. As I walked, laboriously putting one foot in front of the other, comprehension slowly dawned horribly on me. Nick had no idea who I was.
“Hi, Nick.” I searched his face, trying to see some spark of recognition light his eyes, but he just stared at me with the same pleasantly bemused expression he’d been wearing since I’d wheeled myself into his room.
“Hi.” He looked at his mom and then back at me. “Lily, right?”
I nodded, sinking down into the chair next to his bed. He didn’t know me. He didn’t remember what we’d been through together. He didn’t love me, either. It was all gone.
Nick shifted uncomfortably in his bed. “I can’t remember what happened, but my mom tells me that it’s because of you that I’m here at all, so thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me.”
I studied his face, even more beautiful than before. I wanted to memorize every detail since I knew I probably wouldn’t see him again. I’d died twice, and been brought back to life by people pounding on my chest, but this pain felt a thousand times worse. I couldn’t be around a Nick who didn’t know me. It hurt too much.
I stood up, forcing myself not to cry. I held out my hand, and Nick reached for it and shook it gently. I felt a tingle of electricity jump between us, but didn’t know if Nick felt it too. I couldn’t tell. All my energy focused on not breaking down completely and humiliating myself.
Nick held onto my hand, his grip strong, and his hand big and warm. The first time he’d ever touched me, and probably the last. He stared at me, and the moment seemed to stretch on and on. “Do you always wear ribbons in your hair?”
I nodded. “Most of the time.”
“It suits you,” he said with a grin, and then let my hand go.
I felt bereft, lost, and adrift. It took every ounce of strength I had to get into my wheelchair. Maria pushed me out of the room and closed the door behind her. She knelt beside my chair and held my hand.
“I’m so sorry, Lily. He’s a little confused right now. The doctor said to let him remember things on his own, not to push him. If you give him some time...”
I shook my head. “He doesn’t remember. He’s not going to remember.”
“He will, Lily. I’ll talk to him.” Maria began to open the door and I stopped her.
“Don’t.” I swallowed hard. “I can’t do this again, Maria. I can’t see him or be around him. It hurts too much.”
“Seeing you might help,” she began, and I shook my head.
“It’s like...torture.” I closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry. When I opened them again, Maria was wiping away tears of her own. I took a deep breath. “Can you let me know...from time to time...how he’s doing?”
I could barely get the words out, but Maria nodded. She understood. Uncle Johnny and Uncle Danny couldn’t make eye contact with me. They both looked like they might cry too. The other brothers were nowhere to be seen. They’d run away.
“Jellyfish,” I said, and Maria laughed, shaking her head.
“You’re quite a girl, Lily Madison.”
I smiled at her, but I’d never been so sad. “I know.”
When I got back to my room, I couldn’t have the breakdown I’d intended because Zoe and Josh were waiting for me there. I asked everyone to leave, except for Zoe.
&n
bsp; “He doesn’t know me.” It felt hard to even say the words.
Zoe nodded, her eyes huge in her face. “I heard. I’m so sorry, Lily.”
“Me too.” I got out of the wheelchair and crawled into my bed. Zoe helped pull the blankets over my legs, and then sat down on the side of my bed.
“You’ve got to remember, he had a nasty blow to his head.”
“I know.” I rested my head against the pillows. I just wanted to go back to sleep and pretend this had all been a horrible dream.
“He couldn’t even remember his own last name.”
“I know.”
“Don’t you dare give up, Lily.” Pink dots appeared in Zoe’s cheeks and I sighed as she got herself all fired up.
“What do you suggest I do then?”
“Fight for him. You battled that soul reaper for him. You died for him. Make him remember you.”
I shook my head sadly. “There’s nothing there, Zoe. He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t even know me. There isn’t anything I can do. I’m not giving up. I’m facing reality.”
Eventually Dr. Carter let me go home, a mixed blessing. I was glad to be out of the hospital, but at home every little nook and cranny reminded me of Nick. The dining room where he’d watched me eat bacon. The kitchen where he told me he loved me. My bedroom. We’d spent a lot of time in my bedroom. Even walking into my closet seemed hard, because I remembered how he’d made fun of my color-coded clothing storage system. That was enough to make me pull all my clothes off their hangers and throw everything onto the floor. I’d wanted to put things back in a haphazard, random order, but just couldn’t. An hour later, everything was back to where it had been when I started. I sat down on the floor of my closet and hugged my knees to my chest. A nut case. My mother found me there and sat down next to me, skirt and all. She put her arm around my shoulders.
“Are you okay?”
“I don’t know.” I looked down at my hands. Eiffel for You had begun to chip. “I need to see Mr. Wan.”
My mom nodded. “I made an appointment for both of us to see him this afternoon. I like that color. I might try it too.”
I chuckled. “It’s purple, Mom.”
“Maybe it’s the new me.” She grinned. She’d been getting nothing but French manicures for as long as I could remember.
I tried to smile back at her, a feeble attempt. I’d been emotionally numb since I’d seen Nick. I hadn’t cried. I hadn’t screamed at the injustice of it all. I hadn’t laughed at anything either. I just plodded along in a sort of frozen state. The soul reaper may have ripped my soul from my body, but it didn’t do nearly as much damage as Nick. My heart wasn’t just broken, it had shattered into a million pieces.
Mr. Wan treated me kindly, as did Miss Lin. Everyone tried to be gentle with me, but nothing helped. I hadn’t felt like eating, and my tan dress and wide leather belt literally hung on me. It had only been a week since I’d fought the soul reaper, but it seemed like months. In a way, the soul reaper had actually won. When Nick didn’t know me, it was exactly like having my soul ripped from my body.
Mr. Wan studied me closely as he picked out a soft brown shade for me. It worked with my skin tone and with what I wore too.
“What color is this?” I asked the question robotically. I didn’t really care.
Mr. Wan squinted as he read the name on the bottle. “Café Forgot. New color. Very popular.”
I felt my lip start to quiver. “I don’t know if I like it.”
Mr. Wan continued, painting it on in even, neat strokes. “You might not like it, but it is a good color for you this week.”
I didn’t protest as he put on a clear coat to seal it and then stuck my hands in the dryer. He pointed to the tiger painting on his wall.
“What happened to the Tiger Lily who fought the soul reaper? You saved your boyfriend’s life. Why are you sitting here all droopy and sad?”
I started to sniff. “He isn’t my boyfriend. He doesn’t even know who I am.”
Mr. Wan threw up his hands in disgust. “Is that all?”
I made a funny little strangled sound and felt my cheeks get hot as my heart started to pound. Mr. Wan had made me angry, a good thing. Feeling angry was so much better than feeling nothing. My mother chatted happily with Miss Lin at the far side of the room. Miss Lin actually smiled at her. I’d never seen Miss Lin look so cheerful. Mr. Wan was not cheerful. He scowled at me, his bushy eyebrows coming together over his glasses like an angry centipede.
“Nick forgetting me is a big deal. Losing him like this is a big deal. I can’t just pretend everything is back to normal. I love him, and he loved me, but he can’t remember any of it.”
“Then remind him, stupid girl.” Mr. Wan muttered something in Chinese. “Do you think you are going to make things better by sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself?” I shook my head. “Then why are you doing it? Go and see Mrs. Chang. She has something for you.”
I told my mother to meet me at Mrs. Chang’s shop. I thought about what Mr. Wan had said as I walked down the block. Had I given up too easily? I closed my eyes, remembering the blank look in Nick’s eyes when he saw me. I hadn’t imagined it. I couldn’t bear to see that look again. It hurt way too much.
Mrs. Chang looked shocked when she saw me. “Tiger Lily, what happened to you? You are skin and bones.”
I glanced down at my body. I’d lost a few pounds. Hardly skeletal.
“I’ve had kind of a bad week. I died again. Do you have a few minutes, Mrs. Chang? I need to talk with you.”
Mrs. Chang made me sit down and handed me a cup of tea. I reached for the cup and ran my finger along the side with my well-manicured nail. Café Forgot was a pretty color, but I hated it. I began to think Mr. Wan mocked me with his color choices. Every time I saw Café Forgot, it reminded of exactly how much I’d lost.
“So, Mrs. Chang.” I blew on my tea and then looked up at her. “Do you have a magic powder or a charm that will make Nick love me again? Because I really need one.”
She shook her head sadly. “No, I’m sorry, Tiger Lily. I heard about what happened from Mr. Wan. That is why I wanted to give you this.”
She handed me a small, carefully wrapped package. Inside lay a beaded bracelet made out of green jade. A Chinese character in gold hung from between two of the beads. I pulled it onto my wrist and admired it. The green of the jade matched my eyes. I touched the Chinese character.
“What does this mean?”
She smiled at me. “Karma. And jade is lucky. Since Mr. Lucky is your destiny, I thought this would be good for you.”
I took a shaky breath. “I don’t know if I believe in any of that stuff. Karma. Fate. Destiny. Luck. Even love.”
Mrs. Chang laughed, covering her mouth delicately with her hand. “You are so funny. It doesn’t matter whether you believe it or not. Whatever is destined to happen will happen, but sometimes it is up to you to get the ball rolling.”
“How?”
“Right now Nick is one person split in two. His heart remembers you, but his head cannot accept what his heart already knows. You have to make his heart and head come back together. You have to make him see the truth.”
“What if I can’t?”
She touched the character hanging on my bracelet. “You will. It’s karma. Nick might just need a little...shake.” She giggled, bringing up her hand to cover her mouth.
I had no idea what was so funny, but I thanked Mrs. Chang and left with my mother. She took me shopping, but I couldn’t stop thinking about luck and fate and destiny. Zoe called while we were trying on shoes in a designer boutique, and insisted on taking me out that evening.
“Wear a dress,” she said. “Like you always do.”
She refused to tell me where we were going. She just called it a girl’s night out and told me to be ready at seven.
I put on a green silk dress that matched the bracelet Mrs. Chang had given me, and threw a wide scarf around my shoulders because the nights were still coo
l. The scarf, from India, had shades of jade green, dark blue, and coffee brown woven into it, as well as sparkling gold thread. I slipped into some matching green heels and pulled my hair into a bun at the base of my neck.
Zoe arrived in a Volvo to pick me up. “Where’s the motorcycle?” I asked, eying the very uncool station wagon.
Her lips twitched as she eyed my appearance. “I didn’t want to mess up your hair.” Zoe wore a black jacket with a dark gray dress underneath. I pulled open the lapels of her jacket and stared.
“It isn’t black.”
She pulled her jacket closed. “Close enough.”
When I got into her car, she gave me a concerned look. “How are you, Ginge?”
I experienced a pang when she used that nickname. It brought back so many Nick-related memories. I grimaced. “Getting through it.” Zoe nodded, looking sad, so I changed the subject. “How’s Josh?”
Immediately Zoe perked up. They’d had their first official date. Josh had done some careful research and taken her to a concert in the city to see one of her favorite indie bands.
“And he wore black,” she said with a grin. “We talked for hours. He isn’t what I thought at all. He’s...so much more.”
“He’s a great guy.”
Her cheeks got pink. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone on and on like that. I wasn’t thinking.”
I shook my head. “Don’t, Zoe. It actually made me feel better. I’m glad you’re happy. You deserve it.”
When we pulled into the parking lot at the High School for the Performing Arts, alarm bells started going off in my head. “Why are we here, Zoe?”
Zoe wouldn’t meet my eyes. “I have tickets for a concert.”
I followed her into the theater, terrified I might see Nick and do something to embarrass myself, but it never happened. We got to our seats just as the lights dimmed.
The spring recital was evidently the biggest event of the year. Their music department presented it, and we got to hear all different styles, from classical to rock, performed by very talented young musicians.
Just as the show came to a close, I saw two very familiar men walk onto the stage. Uncle Johnny and Uncle Danny, hard to miss with their long, curly dark hair. Today they wore suits and ties instead of ripped up jeans and black rock and roll t-shirts.
