“Some people aren’t meant for marriage.”
“Weren’t you happy when you were married?”
“The marriage was too brief to tell. From what I’ve heard, everyone is happy at the beginning of a marriage and unfortunately Katherine and I only had the beginning—the happy part.”
“So, do you want me to keep away from the children?”
“Jah.”
Sarah scowled at him. “You can’t mean that.”
“I do. It’s the only thing that makes sense.”
Sarah pressed her lips firmly together. Now she was glad that he didn’t propose to her. The two of them were miles apart in their thinking. “That’ll be a hard thing to do. Benjamin brings me eggs in the morning and Holly and I have sewing projects that we’ve planned. You can’t do that to me. I’ve come to… enjoy having them around.”
He took a mouthful of coffee. “That’s the way it has to be.”
“I’m not happy about it. Are you sure you have to do things this way? I don’t see how that will benefit them. Don’t you think they need a woman around?”
“She’s growing too attached to you. I know she misses her mudder, but Katherine is gone and not coming back. Holly has to face that and grow up.”
“She’s only a little girl who has lost her father and her mother. It's a blessing that she has you, and I don’t mind helping with what she needs. I love having her around and teaching her sewing.”
“I can see that you were an only child the way you’re so stubborn and want everything your own way. I’m trying to tell you how I want things for my children and you are arguing with me. I tell you, I know what’s best for my own kinner. I know they weren’t born mine, but they’re mine now.”
“Okay. I’ll do as you say and stay away from them. Are you going to tell Holly that she can’t come here after schul and learn sewing?”
He rubbed his chin and looked as though he hadn’t thought about actually telling Holly she couldn’t learn sewing any longer.
“Couldn’t you just wait until her arm gets better? If she’s feeling better, she won’t want me to stay there tonight. I’m not trying to take her mudder’s place.”
“I’ve got nothing against you. I’m trying to help guard them against more hurt. They’ve lost one mudder in their life and I don’t want them to lose another woman they grow close to. You said last night that you’re open to marrying again. My thoughts were that if you marry, you’ll have no time for them.”
How could he be so irritating? So blind? She had been giving him the hint she was open to the idea of marrying him. “I’d never turn my back on them.”
“You might not have a choice. If you marry and have more kinner, you’ll be busy and my kinner won’t be a priority and that’s only natural.”
“I’ll abide by what you say.”
“Maybe you’re right. We’ll just wait until she gets better and then…”
“Gut. She’s excited about sewing and I’d like to teach her some more.”
He looked down at his coffee and took another mouthful. “That’s all I had to say.” He stood up.
She stood up as well and walked him to the door. When he was about to step down the stairs of the porch, he turned and gave a little nod. She nodded back and then closed the door.
Sarah had managed to talk him out of keeping the children away from her. All she could do was slump into the couch, angry with him for being so unreasonable. Hadn’t it occurred to him that they could marry and his problems would be solved? Suddenly, a pang went through her heart. She wasn’t the kind of woman he wanted to marry and that’s why he hadn’t thought of them marrying. Any other Amish man would’ve found marriage a reasonable solution.
Somewhere upstairs, Sarah had a hand mirror. She sprang to her feet and hurried up the stairs to find it, in amongst the boxes in one of the spare rooms. When she found it, she polished it on her apron and stared into it. Under her eyes were shadows, but she hadn’t had much sleep on the couch last night. By no means was she ugly, but she also knew she was no beauty.
Joshua would’ve found the younger women more attractive and two of them, in particular, had made their interest in him known. The mirror would go back into the box. If Joshua had overlooked her, he wasn’t meant to be a husband for her and a father for Gretel. It would’ve been a solution for both of them, but apparently, it wasn't to be. Tossing the mirror back into the box, Sarah buried her feelings of rejection.
Just when she had started to like him, he showed himself to be unreasonable—again.
Chapter 18
He delivereth me from mine enemies:
yea, thou liftest me up above those that rise up against me:
thou hast delivered me from the violent man.
Psalm 18: 48
* * *
Days passed, and Joshua and she had managed to keep their distance. Holly had still come nearly every day to learn how to sew.
The next Saturday, Joshua knocked on her door and Sarah opened it and saw him alone. “Uh, hello. Where are the children?”
“Off playing somewhere.”
“Nowhere near trees I hope.”
“Nee. She said she’d never climb them again.”
“Gut.”
“Mind if I come in?”
She stepped aside to allow him through the door. “Have a seat in the living room.”
She decided against offering him a cup of coffee as that might lengthen his stay.
“Have you come to talk about Holly?”
“Nee. I’m concerned that you and I have become a little strained. We don’t talk as we used to.”
“I don’t know that we ever talked as friends do.”
“And that is all my fault. I’m certain of that.”
Sarah stared at him wondering what to say.
He continued, “Christmas is approaching and I try to make every Christmas good for my kinner. They lost their mudder during the holidays, so I try to keep their minds off sorrowful things.”
“I didn’t know that. Holly never talks much about her mudder. I think Christmas is a time when we all think of people who aren’t with us anymore. This will be my first Christmas without Joel, and my first one with Gretel.”
“They don’t talk much about their mudder, but I know she’s always on their minds.”
Sarah was a little annoyed that he didn’t comment on what she said. He was only concerned with himself and his children. She pushed a little further to see if he would comment. “I’ll miss my husband very much on Christmas day. He would’ve loved to have just one Christmas with Gretel.”
“Sometimes I wonder just how much they miss her. They never talk about her much.”
“Joshua, do you ever listen to anything I say, or are you just thinking of the next thing you are about to say?”
He pinched his eyebrows together. “I’m sorry.”
“Normally, when people talk there is give and take. You talk about something then I comment and then I might add some comment of my own. I’ve just shared something personal and you went right on talking about your own things. You really are one of the strangest people I’ve ever met.”
“I don’t mean to be like that. I’m sorry. I talk to so few people and when I do I just want to get everything out of me. You’re right. I’m selfish. Please tell me something about yourself and I’ll listen.”
She was tempted to tell him it didn’t work like that, but she feared it would be too hard to explain to him exactly how it did work. “Since my husband died, everything has happened so fast. I’ve had Gretel and then I’ve moved and now everything is different. I feel… I don’t know how I feel. Christmas was a special time for us and now he’s not going to be with me.” Sarah stared at him. “I’m wondering how I can cope with that. Not only that, I was raised an only child and I don’t want that for Gretel, but that means I’ll have to marry again, and if I marry a widower with kinner, how will he feel about a child who’s not his own? I don’t want him to favor
his own over Gretel. Will that happen?”
Joshua opened his mouth to speak, but Sarah continued, “Then I saw how you are with your kinner and they aren’t your biological children.”
“I love them the same as though they were my own.”
“I see that. I see the love you have for them and that gives me hope that one day Gretel will have a vadder who loves her.”
He nodded. “You’ll find someone.”
“Where will I find that man? Will you ever marry?”
“We talked about this the other night. I’m past that time of life, but I often wonder if it would be best for Holly and Benjamin. When I see them with you, I think it would be a good thing for them.”
“But not for you?”
He shook his head. “It’s hard to say what’s good for me. I suppose I should start looking for a suitable fraa. But then again, doubts creep in. It’s a huge step.”
Sarah looked at the cushion beside her and wanted to throw it at him. What was wrong with her? She was around his age and she would be able to see past his rudeness because she'd learned he had a soft and a good heart.
Finally, she had to know. “What about me?”
“You’ll find someone in no time at all.”
She swallowed her embarrassment for the sake of the three children whose lives would benefit from the match. “Nee. What about me and you?”
His eyes opened wide. “I never thought about that.”
“Why not?”
He was silent for a while. “I didn’t think you’d be interested in a man like me. We never agree on much.”
She nodded. “Maybe you spend too much time in your own head, thinking about things when you should be listening.”
“Jah, you’re probably right. How’s the horse working out for you?”
He was changing the subject, but it didn’t matter. At least she knew now that he wasn’t the slightest bit interested in her. “He was a good choice. He’s wunderbaar.”
“Gut! I should leave; I don’t want to take up all of your time. Oh, there’s just one more thing. The children and I will be visiting tomorrow after the meeting, so it’s best we go in separate buggies.”
“That’s fine. It’ll do my horse good to have some exercise.”
After she’d walked him to the door, she flopped down on the couch. Never had she felt so rejected. When she was younger, all the men had been flocking around her. Had the years done terrible things to her, or was Joshua irritated with her most of the time just the same as she was irritated by him? No matter which was the reason, or whether there was some other, embarrassment now burned her cheeks. She’d thrown herself at the man, and she’d been brushed aside with equal boldness.
Sarah walked upstairs and peered into the crib. Gretel was just waking up. “Hello. That was good timing. You stayed asleep, allowing your mamm to make a huge fool of herself with our neighbor. Now he doesn’t want to take us to the Sunday meeting like he normally would.”
Just as she leaned down to pick up her daughter, Gretel's bottom lip quivered and she started crying.
“That’s exactly how I feel, Gretel, but you’ll feel better with a clean diaper and a full tummy. For me, it’ll take time. I have to see Joshua every day until he moves out sometime in the new year.” She placed Gretel against her shoulder and patted her on her back as she walked to the table for a diaper change.
Chapter 19
O Lord, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave:
thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.
Psalm 30:3
* * *
Sarah hitched the buggy early the next morning, doing her best to avoid Joshua.
Just as she was walking back to the house to fetch Gretel, his children ran over to her.
“Aren’t you coming with us this morning?”
“Nee. Not today. Gretel and I are going by ourselves.”
“Why?”
“You’re visiting someone after the meeting and I’m just coming straight home.”
“He didn’t tell us that,” Benjamin said.
“Vadders are like that sometimes. He’s got a lot on his mind.”
“Can I drive there with you?” Holly asked.
“Me too?” Benjamin added.
“Um, I’m not sure.”
“Well, is it okay with you if it’s okay with Dat?”
“I think you should go with your vadder.”
“Really?” Benjamin asked.
“Stop bothering Mrs. Kurtz,” Joshua called out.
The children walked over to him dragging their feet. Sarah hated to say no to them, but Joshua had already made it clear that he didn’t want them getting too close to her. Sarah continued walking to the house to get her baby. Things were getting more awkward because she didn’t want to upset Joshua’s children.
As soon as she secured Gretel in the buggy, she climbed into the driver’s seat and clicked Midnight forward. When she was halfway down the driveway, she looked around to see if the children were still outside the house. They were standing there looking after her as Joshua was saying something to them. She hoped she’d done the right thing; Sarah was certain that Joshua wouldn’t have wanted them to travel to the meeting with her.
* * *
Not long after Sarah had sat down in the house where the meeting was being held, Holly ran over to her.
“Dat says I can sit next to you if it’s all right with you and you aren’t already sitting next to anyone.”
Sarah smiled. “I’d love to have you sit next to me.” Sarah looked up at Joshua who gave her a polite smile, and Benjamin waved when he caught her eye. The men had to sit on one side and the women on the other. That meant that Holly couldn’t sit with her brother and father.
“Are you coming for more sewing after schul tomorrow?”
“Jah. That’s what I look forward to when I’m at schul.”
“I hope you’re listening, too. It’s important to learn all you can while you’re there.”
“I already know it all.”
“Do you?”
Holly gave a cheeky smile and nodded.
“So you’re a big ‘know it all’?”
Holly giggled. “Jah.”
“People like you are so annoying.”
Holly giggled again. “Ask me anything and I’ll tell you the answer.”
“Okay. How big is the world?”
“Bigger than infinity.”
“Oh, you do know everything.”
“Ask me another.”
“Why is the sky blue?” Sarah asked.
“Because that’s Gott’s favorite color.”
Sarah frowned. “That’s not fair. How do I know if that’s right or wrong?”
“I told you I know everything. That’s why schul is a waste of time for me.”
“I’m not so sure about that.”
When the bishop stood up to say a prayer, a hush of silence swept over the room.
Holly and Sarah closed their eyes. Gretel was asleep and Sarah hoped that she’d stay that way right through the meeting.
Throughout the sermon, Sarah glanced at Joshua several times. It surprised her that he’d allowed Holly to sit with her since they already spent many hours sewing together.
* * *
After the meeting, Holly ran over to some young friends. There were a few people Sarah wanted to speak with, and then she’d go home.
The meeting was at Seth and Nellie Yoder’s house and everyone was cramped inside their home for the meal afterward. It was too cold to go outside in the yard, as they would’ve in the warmer months. In spite of her better judgment, Sarah found herself looking around to see where Joshua was. She caught sight of him talking to a young woman who was laughing at something he said. Sarah frowned trying to remember when he’d ever said anything remotely funny. This woman was a different one from the two women she’d seen him with before.
Spotting those other two women waiting nearby to talk with Joshua, sh
e knew she had no chance. From their conversations, he wanted a woman who’d be clearly focused on his children and that had to mean a woman who had never married before and had no children.
The best thing Sarah could do, she decided, was to put him out of her mind and concentrate on building a life for herself. That meant getting better acquainted with everyone in the community. What she needed to do was to throw herself into all the activities a woman with a young baby could do.
After volunteering with Maggie Fuller to help with the pie drive, she headed to her buggy with Gretel in her arms.
“Wait, Sarah.”
She swung around surprised to see Joshua.
“I need to apologize about this morning. My kinner keep bothering you and…”
“Mr. Byler, they’re no bother to me. They’re anything but a bother, and I didn’t like making them feel that they were. I was happy to have them go in my buggy this morning, but I knew you don’t like me getting close to them, so I had to make out I wasn’t keen on the idea. It felt horrible!”
“I’m trying to find my way, and doing what’s the best for them. I’ve had a lot going on.”
“Do you think you’re the only one with a lot going on? The only one who’s had a loved one die, the only one who worries about raising their kinner alone?” She shook her head at him, turned from him and placed Gretel in the basket securely in the buggy. Then she headed to the driver’s side.
“Can you stop and listen a moment?”
“Nee. I’m done with listening to you. Listening is something that you should try for a change.” She walked past him and climbed into the buggy.
He walked up and grabbed the horse’s cheek strap so she couldn’t leave. “Don’t be like this, Sarah. I’m trying to speak with you.”
“There’s nothing that I want to speak with you about, so kindly let go of my horse.”
“Sarah!”
“You always speak down to me. I’m not a child and I’m not a person that you can boss around. I appreciate the things you’ve helped me with and you’ve already told me you don’t want me to get any closer with your kinner. When you leave my grossdaddi haus, you won’t have me as a problem any longer.”
Amish Widow's Christmas Page 8
