“Shit,” I said it out loud. I couldn’t do it no matter how much I wanted to make a point. I wasn’t built of the stuff that would allow him to be treated like an outcast. Even if he was playing me, I could make it so he didn’t feel lost.
I grabbed my bag as I stood. “Catch you all later. I have to go sit with him. No choice.” I stepped over the cafeteria table bench.
Taylor stood as well. “We don’t bail on you, asshole.”
Peaches nodded. “Unless the French teacher tells us we have to.”
Taylor tilted her head. “That’s true. Oh wait, you might not have to worry.” She grabbed my arm. “The junior theater ladies are alllll over him.”
When I glanced over my shoulder, he was greeting the new slew of girls that had beaten me to the punch. Bushnell and Picks got even more surly, if that was possible. They liked their space and now Ruffian and his girl squad was encroaching on it. Ruffian was already smiling.
I bit my bottom lip. “Okay, fine. I’m going to the library then. He’s all set.”
Taylor and Peaches sat back down as I took the long way out of the cafeteria. I got a pass from the vice principal that was monitoring the lunch period.
I could stew in the quiet there. My heart felt like it was made of tissue paper and he was pouring water on it. Destroying it from the outside in.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe my heart was wrong about the soulmate crap. The zing that felt like my whole system was attached to how he felt about me.
I had a free period after lunch, so I just stayed buried in a couch at the end of the stacks. I was planning on researching alopecia for the Me Parties, but instead I tore up little bits of paper from my notebook. Tinier and tinier.
Living with Ruffian was going to be hard. Harder than hard. Practically impossible.
Chapter 30
RUFFIAN
I WAITED FOR Teddi in the parking lot for a bit. We hadn’t discussed the change in me driving her in the morning or home in the afternoon, so I didn’t want to bail. She was pissed. And she had every right to be. I put my head against the headrest as I stared at the ceiling. The kisses we shared hadn’t left the front of my mind, the back of my eyelids, nor the ache in my heart.
I’d learned that night that I could taste empathy from her lips. I could feel hope on her skin. A blinding forever taunted me.
I opened my eyes and scanned the lot for her. I saw her hair first. The sun caught it and she pushed it over her shoulder. I caught her stare, and she held mine. Her hands touched her bottom lip, before she shook her head and looked at her feet. She would be terrible at poker. But she was excellent at making me wish I could push against time and be back in the kitchen with her.
Taylor threw an arm around her. I watched as they piled into her car. I was free to leave. Teddi had a ride. I was disappointed. Just seeing her made that feeling inside burn.
I looked at my hands on the steering wheel of Gaze’s truck. It felt wrong. It all felt wrong. Being with Teddi was right in a way I hadn’t felt since ripping off my last job and distributing the products to the community.
I was desperate for another hit. I knew where I was headed next. I pulled out my phone to see ten text messages from Meg. I ignored them and set the map app to my next destination. It was time to start the process I was headed toward.
_______________
THE PAWN SHOP in Poughkeepsie wasn’t easy to find, but I had been there plenty. When Mom and I would score something unusual or of high value, we would go to Four Brothers Pawn Shop. They were known for keeping things on the downlow. It was far enough from Midiville that we were far less likely to be caught.
I parked the truck in the municipal lot a few blocks away and took the rest by foot. When I hit the door, the clump of jingle bells trilled. Simple but effective way of announcing my arrival.
I didn’t recognize the woman that came out from the back of the store, rubbing her hands together.
“You need something?” The lady had an impressive array of tattoos, all done in black and white and gray.
“Yeah. Thanks, I’m here to see if I can talk to Lynx?” He was the one my mom had dealt with the most.
“Ah, he’s serving a bit of time. Can’t get to him for another two years. But I think I know who you might need to talk to, if Lynx was doing your business. Give me a minute.” She pulled out her cell phone and started typing away on it.
I looked in the glass displays. For a pawn shop it was set up pretty nice. The jewelry wasn’t clumped up in a pile. Instead, it was spread out with careful, tiny white tags denoting the prices.
All of it was too expensive. It was that way by design. Four Brothers Pawn Shop didn’t really want your business. Well, they did, but anything that made them money went on in the back room, not here on the sales floor.
She looked up at me. “Lock said he’d be here in just a few. He was running errands.”
After lifting up a divider, she waved me behind the case with her tattooed fingers. I had to turn sideways to fit through, but then I followed her to the back. Weaving between cleaning tools and a swinging door, we went down the hallway I recognized from the last time I was here with Mom. It felt much more ominous now. Mom had a way of bringing the friendliness out of any situation. She was funny enough that she usually got a laugh out of even the most intimidating looking people.
Here on my own it felt way more dicey. I thanked the woman. “Hey, can I get your name? I really appreciate this.”
“Always be friendly, Ruffian. You never know if it will help someone have a better day.”
I wondered if I’d get used to the fact that Mom’s voice was only an echo of a memory now.
“Tisha. And thank you, handsome.” She gave me an exaggerated wink as she opened a door. Beyond that was an office desk with chairs on both sides. “Have a seat.”
I thanked her again and sat in the industrial looking red chair. I got the impression I was being warned without words from poking around. I had no doubt that there were cameras on me now.
Tisha closed me in. I wondered if the door was locked and tamped down the rising panic. I had to remind myself I hadn’t done anything wrong. Yet. Well, except for making out with Teddi in her kitchen and betraying the trust that my brother and the Burathons had given me.
I was sitting for about ten minutes before a guy opened the door while talking, I assume to Tisha. “Thanks, lady. Ember says hi. And Becca.”
He turned toward me and held out his hand. I stood to take it. We shook quickly. The guy wasn’t too old. I expected, like, an old man that smelled like salami. At least, that’s what Lynx had looked like.
“Sherlock,” he offered me his name.
“Ruff.” I left off the rest of my name. Not sure why, just an instinct to give as little as possible.
“What brings you here?”
Lock started looking through the papers on the desk, clearly planning on multitasking during our meeting.
I hadn’t put it into words to anyone. This plan, my impending future, had never existed on my tongue, being formed and put out into the world.
“I’m wondering if you guys could turn around a profit for me on a job I’m working on.” I watched as his fingers stilled and he slowly put his eyes on my face. One eyebrow went up.
“What are we looking at?” He sat in the chair opposite me and folded his hands on the desk.
“Artwork. Original. Some very rare stones.” I hoped I sounded like I knew what I was talking about. Thirty Old Navy coats were very different than taking something that the cops would actively be looking for.
He exhaled and tilted his head from one side to the other. “That depends on the kickback on that kind of product.”
“I understand. I’m not asking for any help; I just want to know if you can liquidate that type of thing.” I mirrored his hands in my lap. Calm, collected.
He rubbed his chin, the scruff making a scratchy noise. “Tisha said you worked with Lynx in the past?”
“Yea
h. My mom and me.” Did that make this less likely or more? Bringing up my mom to a guy that was probably in the mafia seemed like a pussy move.
Lock smiled broadly. “Man after my own heart. I love my mama.”
“She passed. My mom.” Why was I telling him that? It had just fallen out. I was so connected to her here, in this place where we’d been before.
“I’m so sorry to hear that.” Genuine concern on his face. “My condolences.”
I nodded rather than responding. It still felt surreal.
“Let me get word to Lynx and speak to my boss and I’ll leave an answer with Tisha. Come back in three weeks, okay?” He stood and I did the same. He thrust out his hand for a shake again, and as I committed to it, he slapped my bicep.
“I can do that.” Three weeks. That was plenty of time and hardly any at all. Lock opened the door for me and I had no choice but to walk through it. When I went to leave out the front, Lock corrected me.
“No, man. You come in and out here now.” He pointed to the side door. He demonstrated a patterned knock on the wall next to the door. “Do that here to be let in from now on. Sometimes we’ve got heat out front.”
I copied the knock and he smiled. “You got it. Again, so sorry to hear about your mom.”
I walked out the back door and oriented myself for a second before setting off for the truck. I had a plan now. Well, I had the back end of a plan. My phone buzzed in my pocket.
Meg.
Are you ever going to respond? What the hell?
It was time to work on the front half.
On my way.
I felt slimy when I hit send on the text.
TEDDI
TAYLOR DROPPED ME off at my house. We had collected a few more donations, which made me feel good. When I walked into my house, my parents were in the kitchen. I came in and set down my books and the new envelopes by the front door, then I trudged up the stairs.
Mom and Dad stopped the conversation they were having to look at me.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” Mom was the first to move, putting her arms around me. I buried my face in her shoulder.
“Nothing.” I held on to the hug while she squeezed me in return.
“Doesn’t look like nothing.” Dad frowned.
“Just teenage girl stuff.” I gave him a floppy thumbs-up.
“Have anything to do with Ruffian?” Dad’s fist clenched.
“No. Nothing at all. He’s seeing Meg, so you don’t have to worry about the kissing stuff.” I pushed away from my mom. She ran her hands through my hair and touched my cheeks.
“Pretty stuff, I’m so sorry. Boys are garbage.”
My father coughed. “Ronna, you have sons. And me.”
She ignored him. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No. I’d like to forget about the whole thing. It was stupid. Can we just act like nothing happened?” I crossed the room to my father and hugged him as well.
“Ugh. Really?” I could hear the resignation in Dad’s voice.
“Yes.” I let go of him and went to the fridge. I was in the mood for a gallon of ice cream, but dinner was marinating on the counter, so I grabbed an apple instead. “He’s had a hell of a time. His mom died. Things are very new. We have to have compassion.”
They would listen to me. That was the cool thing about them. I could say that and they would do their best.
“You still okay with him here?” My father’s fist was clenched again.
“Yeah. I mean, unless he moves in with Meg, he’s got nowhere else.” I shrugged. I could be mad at Ruffian all I wanted, but I would never deny him shelter when I knew it was something that was scarce for him.
My mom touched my hand. “That’s my girl.” Pure pride.
“Get any donations?” I switched the subject back to business. I was going to be just fine. Push through this. Whatever this was with Ruffian.
My father dug into his pocket and pulled out a few envelopes. “Yup. The usual people donated.”
I took the envelopes from him. I had to record the ones by my bookbag and see what supplies I could order. “Thank you. I’ll get you the thank you notes and put them in your messenger bag tomorrow.”
He nodded and looked at my mom. They had to continue their conversation that my being home had interrupted. I left them to it. I had so much to do, I couldn’t even think about Ruffian. Not for a second.
Chapter 31
RUFFIAN
MEG WAS CURLED up next to me, her leg thrown over mine as we watched a YouTube video about the best beaches in the world. She liked to stop the video from time to time to tell me where her parents had stayed when they visited each of them. I found that was a lot of what Meg bragged about. Things that her parents did. Or were doing. Or had owned. They seemed to travel without her a lot. I think she missed them. I was analyzing her while I spent time with her.
She loved to talk, and I could listen. Everything was analyzed through the lens of securing the bag. I had my eye on two paintings that seemed to be worth quite a bit from the Google searches I did. And they were on the smaller side, so that was good. The jewelry in Meg’s room was pricey, but the real moneymakers were in the main bedroom. They had a safe and Meg had shown it to me. She spoke the numbers out loud as she punched them in and I started to feel a little bad.
She was trusting me. Desperate for someone to pay her attention and be impressed with her. But then I reminded myself that rich people had insurance. They would get the money back from the things they lost. It’d be okay.
I ran through the numbers in my head over and over. I had to remember them. Now that I had a place to sell my ill-gotten gains, it was time to get them.
“And then, of course, we have the ski trip. You can come with me this year. It’ll be crazy. We have a few houses rented for two weeks. Everything you could want. Spa, indoor pool. A really sexy outdoor jacuzzi.” She gave me her doe eyes. I smiled.
“Does your whole family go?” Whole family meant her and her two closest cousins and her parents.
“Oh yeah. We have to. They do house maintenance. It’s just easier to get out of their way. The guys come in and repaint, Mom has a few rooms redecorated. The usual.” She stopped the video and cued up the ski resort we’d been talking about.
I’d never been skiing in my life, but it looked fun. “I have to stay in school. You guys have a break we don’t have.”
“Well, we only have one week off, but we do this every year, so I just have my parents call in sick for me. You could do the same?” She made her fingertips walk up my arm.
“I’ll let you know. Thanks for the invite.” My phone buzzed and I pulled it out.
From Gaze. Hey, can we talk? I have some questions.
I took it as my cue to leave. I knew this confrontation was coming, and now that Gaze had fired the warning shot, I was going to have to go all in. Of course, he’d heard about the kiss with Teddi. And probably that I was hanging with Meg right now. She had posted a few Snapchats with us on the couch. I knew that shit was public.
She stood as well and pouted. “Things were just starting to get good. I wanted to do a bathing suit packing session for you. I could try on the suits, you could watch.” She lowered the strap of her shirt.
“Oh man, you’re killing me. It’s my brother. I can’t let it wait. I bet you look amazing in all of them.” I gave her a wink and then responded to Gaze.
Give me five minutes and I’m all yours.
Getting Meg to let me go took a little bit more flirting and then actually peeling her fingers from my forearm. I was finally able to get outside and to the truck. After texting Gaze that I was available, FaceTime started ringing through. I took a deep breath and answered it. I’d never been accountable to anyone but my mom in my whole life, so this was going to be weird. He was sitting on a couch, and just off to his side I could see Pixie’s shoulder clad in a pink sweater.
“Hey, guys.”
Pixie’s hand appeared on the screen. “Hey, R
uffian. I have to leave to go to a study group. Talk to you soon.”
Gaze watched spots beyond the camera for a while and then refocused on me when I heard a door close.
“So.” His stare held questions. I still wasn’t sure what I was going to say.
I decided to go with nothing and gave him a slow head bob instead.
“I’ heard you and Teddi were kissing, but you’re dating someone else. What gives?” He propped the phone on something in front of him. It was about coffee table height.
I rubbed my temple with my thumb. “Things are a bit complicated. I’m sorry I kissed Teddi. It won’t happen again.”
“Hold up. You said you kissed her, but she was saying she kissed you.” He put his hands on his jean-covered knees.
I felt my heart thump and bruise a little, knowing she was defending me to Gaze. “Let’s say neither of us complained. It was late, she’s beautiful.”
Was I saying too much? Not enough?
Gaze kept his steely eyes on mine. “Are you seeing Meg?”
I shrugged again. “That’s where I’m coming from right now. Nothing official. We’re just hanging out.”
“That’s fair.” He bit his tongue lightly. “Listen, how was school? I heard you tested great.”
Now that was a switch. I wasn’t foolish enough to think that I was out of the woods yet, but I allowed the topic change.
“School’s crowded. I did test fine, so the GED shouldn’t be too much of an issue. I met some people today at lunch. They seemed nice enough.” Just giving him snippets of my day to paint him a picture. He shouldn’t have any guilt, if that was the emotion he was trying to feel. I was getting more of a big brother protecting the little sister vibe from him. Which made sense. Gaze had known the Burathons far longer than me.
“That’s great news.” Gaze nodded. “We will have to talk about college and stuff next time I’m home. Do you have a major in mind?”
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