Austin slowly smiled at me while looking me up and down. “I honestly was here to make sure you guys were good. But now that you mention it, I’ll tell you that this is a really hard place to put her in. She wants you to have this house to stay in. And I’ve seen how you guys look at each other, so something is up.”
He brushed off his gloves and chips of bark littered the white snow at our feet.
There was something about Austin that made you feel like you were on stage and intimate at the same time. Teddi had a bit of that, too. Brought out the truth in a person.
“I hear your warning. And you’re not wrong. There’s something there, but I don’t know how much I can trust myself right now. My whole world has been upended. I’m here accepting help, asking to be included when my mom spent her whole life trying to avoid that very thing.”
I looked back at Austin and then dropped my gaze. Too real. Too much.
“Hey. I’m sorry about your mom.” He clapped his hand on my shoulder and squeezed.
“Thanks. I honestly don’t even know what I’m intending with Teddi because I have no idea what my immediate future even looks like.” I leaned down and lifted up the handles of the wheelbarrow.
“I think that’s fair. I just want to make sure that she’s not collateral damage of whatever choices you make. That’s it. Just keep her heart in mind.” Austin waited until I had acknowledged I heard him with a nod. “Okay. I’m going to get the gas can. Can you just wheel this one under the porch? It’ll stay dry if we need it. But we don’t have to have too much.”
I didn’t tell Austin I could probably guess how much down to the kindling we needed to stay warm each day. Where I came from, it was life or death knowing that information. His warning hit me, though. I felt selfish for pulling Teddi into me last night and kissing her lips. I knew what I was going to do. I couldn’t have her caught up in it. Even if it felt like I was suffocating my own soul without her to look forward to.
TEDDI
AFTER HANGING UP with Mom and Dad, it was clear we were going to be in the house by ourselves for at least one more night. Their road wasn’t plowed yet, and neither was ours for that matter. I poked at the fire, which had dwindled considerably while we were out and the fireplace screen was closed.
I heard the guys stomping through the garage. They seemed to be having a nice enough time. When Austin walked through the door, he had a wood carrying tote with him and it was full. Ruffian was close behind with an armload of the same.
Ruffian looked over Austin’s head to me. “Did you know that you guys have an entire cord of wood over by your mom’s workshed?”
“Now that you mention it…” I thought about the time Dad had a truck deliver a pile of wood.
Austin rolled his eyes and set the wood near the fireplace. “Were you guys going to start breaking up the furniture?”
“I would’ve started with all the crap you left in the attic,” I teased Austin.
He pretended to be hurt and put his hand over his heart. “Teddi Bear? The betrayal. You always need to start with Milt’s stuff.”
“His stuff is all electronic and probably would have smelled horrible if I lit it up.” I folded some of the blankets on the floor and stacked them on the couch. Then I picked up the pillows as Ruffian joined me with the cleanup. “Mom and Dad won’t be here tonight. They’re still snowed in.”
Austin unwound his scarf. “How’s Rocket taking it?”
“She’s making Dad walk her every five minutes and getting snow all in her paw fur.” I started up the stairs. We were going to have to eat again.
“That sounds about right. Hey, I have to charge my phone and see if I can get a few posts to upload. Are you making lunch? Can you count me in?” Austin pulled out his phone and started typing away on it without waiting for my answer.
“Yeah. Ruffian, can you help me?”
He looked from Austin to me and then back again. “Yeah.”
His reluctance made me wonder what Austin had said to him while they were outside.
When we were upstairs, I started opening the pantry and cabinets so I could see what we were working with.
Ruffian was right behind me. I wanted to lean into him, but stopped myself.
“How about soup and grilled cheese?” I turned to look at him and he put his hands on either side of my head, trapping me in the pantry.
He didn’t say anything, but looked from my lips to my eyes and down again in a way that made me hold my breath.
The moment was suspended in time. Swirling between us, somehow loaded with decisions.
“Yeah. That’d be great.” His tone was as if he was signing a condolence card. Saying goodbye, not agreeing to lunch.
I turned away from him and grabbed the bread and soup cans. He was still standing in my way. I waited him out. The silence and pressing feeling in my chest felt like it was on the edge.
“I’ll heat up a pan.”
Our lunch and then night were spent all in the same room where it was nice and hot from the fire. Austin and Ruffian each focused on a different part of our comfort level. Austin maintained the generator and Ruffian, the fire.
At one point, I got a text from Mom that our older neighbor was cold, so Austin and Ruff went over to help escort her back to us. When Mrs. Sprat was sitting on our couch, she was super grateful for the heat.
Ruffian came close to me and whispered in my ear, “Hey, I’m going to knock on some doors and make sure no one else has the same issue as Mrs. Sprat.”
“I’ll come.” I stood as Austin grabbed some more blankets from upstairs for Mrs. Sprat. I already had my boots on when he got downstairs. “Ruffian wants to check to make sure no one else is in danger. I think it’s smart.”
Austin pushed the blankets at me. “I’ll go. You stay here. We’ve got trees and branches down. And now it’s dark.”
“Mrs. Sprat likes you better.” I pushed the blankets back at him. “I’m going.”
“Fine.” Austin pulled his bundle closer. “Be safe.”
When I went into the garage, Ruffian was staring out the hole there.
I grabbed a flashlight and flicked it on. “Are you worried about your people?”
“Nah. They know how to deal with the cold.” He held out an arm and I took it.
“So just past Mrs. Sprat’s house we have an older couple, and I want to make sure they are okay. I mean, I think they are fine. But anyway.”
We walked the rest of the neighborhood and found that everyone had a plan or something in practice. When we got back to the house, Austin met us at the door. “Mrs. Sprat is asleep. And she’s kind of mean when she’s tired. We’ll have to be quiet.”
We had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and had to stay quiet for the rest of the evening. I fell asleep near Austin more out of habit. I was used to having him around. When we woke up in the morning, I was not cuddled up with Ruffian and Austin was talking to my parents in the garage.
Ruffian was propped up on his elbow from the other side of the fireplace. He was smiling at me. I rubbed my eyes and sat up as well. Mrs. Sprat rolled onto her back and started scream snoring. Ruffian’s eyes went wide and I knew mine were as well. And then we had the fight of suppressing our laughs. It was so loud, had I heard it outside I would’ve assumed a bear was warning me away from its last meal. Ruffian cracking up was making it worse and worse.
Mom, Dad and Austin opened the door to the garage just as Mrs. Sprat woke herself up with a start and then rolled on her side. Then she was quiet. I was laughing so hard, and failing to stay quiet, I had to crawl toward Ruffian’s room. He helped me up as he stumbled with me to his room, all the while being watched by a confused Mom and Dad. Austin was struggling to keep his laughter in.
And then Mrs. Sprat let out a huge, jarring fart. Ruffian pulled me into his room and closed his door. I collapsed on the floor laughing and he slumped down next to me.
Ruffian was laughing, too. I heard the garage door close, so at least Austin was
having the same trouble as us. I felt awful for Mrs. Sprat. As far as she knew, she was alone.
After we had stopped giggling enough to leave the room, I went over to my parents and gave them each a hug. Dad had congratulations and thanks for both Austin and Ruffian. We all snuck upstairs and continued our recap of the things that had happened. I petted Rocket. Mom and Dad were able to follow a plow almost all the way home, but slid in a few spots once the plow went in a different direction. Dad changed into a different outfit and Austin and Ruffian joined him to check around the house for damage. Mom and I hugged again while looking out at the boys in the yard. Rocket was hopping around, thrilled to have playmates outside with her.
“So Austin said you might need a little TLC? You and Ruffian aren’t okay?” She pushed my hair away from my eyes.
“We are. We’re fine.” I held her hands in mine because they were cold. “You and I should be down by the fire. What time is it?”
“Nine-thirty. And we should. I think it might be time to wake up Mrs. Sprat anyway. Let her get her wits about her.” I watched my mom swallow a smile.
“Yeah. For sure.”
Chapter 36
RUFFIAN
THE NEXT WEEK was a full scale cleanup. Because the storm had ice and wind, the yard work alone was crazy. Teddi and I had a week off from school because it took so long to get all the roads clear. We established a way to be us but not kiss. It was hard. Too hard. I threw myself into helping Mike rebuild the garage door and chop up the large branches and trees with the chainsaw. Austin was with us for a portion of it, and he was helpful. Best guy wearing black nail polish I ever saw wield power tools.
And I learned that I liked these people even more than before. Mike was a legitimately good person. He made sure all the neighbors that needed help got it. And by the end of the week, all he’d need to do was yell, “Ruff!” and I knew it was time to toss on some boots.
But the best part, by far, was two a.m. Ronna bought Fudgsicles at the local bulk supply, so Teddi and I always had two ready for our tradition.
After being caught kissing in the middle of the night the first time, I stayed a respectable distance from her. When I saw her tuck her feet under the chair, I didn’t go to my knees and run my fingertips from her ankles to her thighs. I didn’t know what it took to give her goosebumps from kissing her behind her ear. Finding out just how far I could take her before she would throw caution to the wind. Before she and I could hold each other like a secret and a promise.
Instead, we talked about animals. We talked about stupid things we thought were true when we were kids. We talked about how it sucked that the homeless population was treated like criminals just because they didn’t have a home.
Teddi had real concerns about the lack of medical treatment for my community. Having spent so much time arranging wishes, she knew that the bills could be very prohibitive to getting good care.
I learned that her heart was like a stained glass window. Pure, beautiful, and fragile. She was changing me, the house was changing me. I was expecting warmth in the morning. When I was hungry, I ate. When I was thirsty, I had cold, clean water.
I watched Ronna fuss over us all. She’d take her vinyl cutting machine and label everything in the house. My name was there. Gaze’s name, even Pixie.
It was normal. And it made me feel like I was dishonoring my mother by enjoying it. And this night, that’s what we talked about.
“Just because you’re enjoying the moment you’re in doesn’t mean that you didn’t appreciate all she did for you.” Teddi was twirling her wooden Popsicle stick.
“Thanks. It’s just—no offense—she told me that people who lived like this couldn’t appreciate the small things in life that were miracles. And I get where she’s coming from. I’m forgetting to be grateful for the things I’ve come to expect here. Does that make any sense?” I snapped my Popsicle stick in half.
We sat in silence so long I thought maybe I had talked her out of her comfort zone.
And then she spoke up, “Maybe you being here is important because you’re teaching us what grateful means.”
Teddi was like that. She saw the silver lining. I stood up and opened my hand for her stick. She gave it to me and I popped it into the recycling bin.
She stood up and crossed in front of me. “We’ve got school tomorrow.”
I stretched and watched her stare drop to my waist. Then she looked back up quickly. We met each other’s eyes and I knew she was remembering. I was remembering, too. I’d never forget how close we got to me taking her into my room and changing us both.
But we didn’t. Instead of addressing the obvious, I wished her a good night. In the morning, when she got in the truck with me, she smelled amazing and was full of laughter.
Staying away from Teddi would be harder than any other job I’d ever pulled.
TEDDI
I MET TAYLOR and Peaches in the parking lot as Ruffian was swarmed by his junior girl groupies. We took long strides so we could outpace them. I tried to tune out the high-pitched laughing that peeled from the girls.
Peaches looked over her shoulder. “Those sluts. It’s not even eight in the morning. They need to turn down their lady boners a few notches.”
Taylor put her arm around my shoulders. “We’re back from the devastation of the ice and snow, so they’re all pent up with their hormones.”
Peaches cut her eyes to the group once more. “More like whore-moans.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. My girls were loyal. And I loved a spicy Peaches. Tasker and Brutus joined us. Tasker hopped around me, poking one shoulder then the other before pulling on my hair.
I yanked it over my shoulder. “Dude. Ow.”
“Back off of her.” Ruffian was right behind Tasker as we walked through the main doors.
Tasker shrugged one shoulder. “Whatever. Like I can’t be around her. You’re not her pound hound. Maybe worry about your fan group.”
Tasker leaned toward me and grabbed me around the waist. He was trying to pick me up. I wiggled away from his fingers. They were starting to dig in.
All of a sudden I was released. In the throngs of students walking in, I felt like a rock in the middle, with them streaming around us.
Ruffian had Tasker by the throat, pure rage on his face. Tasker’s lips were taking on a tinge of blue. Ruffian put his mouth next to Tasker’s face and said something I couldn’t hear. The junior girls all surrounded us, some giggling, some expressing gasps as they figured out what was going on. I touched Ruffian’s forearm.
Once his eyes were on mine and I knew I had his complete attention, I told him calmly, “You’ve got to let him down.”
It was like watching eyes change from reptilian to human and a shiver went down my spine. Ruffian was scary. I’d never seen this side of him. Even Tasker, who had red marks on his throat, said nothing as he scurried away.
I knew the bell was about to ring and we had to get to class. “Are you okay?”
I tuned out the girls around us.
He gave me a brief head nod.
“Thanks.” And then we were headed in separate directions. I was in my first class, staring out the window before I got a chance to process what had gone down.
Had Ruffian overreacted? I guess. But I hated having Tasker touch me and he used the playfulness of our group to get away with more than I was comfortable with. I’d put up with a lot of it in the past so I wouldn’t make things awkward. I didn’t want to be seen as a prude, but Tasker really took things too far. I mean, I wasn’t in danger, but Ruffian’s reaction was more in line with how much we knew about each other now.
When the bell rang, I realized I had daydreamed through the whole damn first period, which sucked. I didn’t need to fall behind on schoolwork.
I went to my next class and kept a lookout for Ruffian but didn’t see him. I didn’t lay eyes on him again until lunch. He sat with his group and I sat with mine. Tasker was still surly. His throat had red marks and he was i
n a horrible mood.
I watched him shoot looks over his shoulder and rub his knuckles together. He was still seething. I looked at Peaches who gave me a grimace. She’d noticed the tension as well. Taylor was flirting with Brutus one second, and then sitting pressed against me the next.
“What the hell is going on here? Are they going to have a fight?”
I pushed my food around. “I’m pretty sure if Tasker starts something with Ruffian, it won’t be a fight, it’ll be a lesson.”
Peaches leaned forward, pretending to do my voice. “Ruffian’s death stare was so fucking hot I just want you to make him mad and then have at each other.” She lifted her eyebrows up and down while making a kissy face.
“Not planning on it. He and I keep our distance. That’s our deal.” I looked across the room at him and he was staring back like he was waiting for me.
He didn’t wave, he didn’t smile. But I felt him. He wanted to know if I was okay. I smiled so he’d know that I was fine.
Peaches waved her hand in front of my face. “Bitch. You’re literally having sex eyes with him right now. Your corneas are pregnant. Boom. That just happened.”
I took a bite of my sandwich. It went down like sandpaper. Peaches was right. And it depressed me that Ruffian could make me feel that way and still not be interested in dating me. Or even kissing me.
I changed the topic. “Do they have a theme for the Winter Formal? I have a girl that wants to attend a prom. Prom is too far away, but I’m pretty sure we can make the formal work.”
Taylor pulled up her phone. “Let me message Ezzie. She’s in charge of that committee this year.”
“That’s good news. She has that whole cottagecore theme on her Insta. She’d do a great job.” I pulled out my phone and went to Ezzie’s page.
Peaches leaned over. “Yeah. I think her mom’s an interior designer, so I don’t know if it is just her or not. But either way, it’ll be good.”
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