Swimming in Sparkles

by Debra Anastasia

  Austin looked like he was on a mission. Once we were in the kitchen, we both took a seat.

  “Why do I feel like I’m in trouble or something?” I leaned forward a bit.

  “You sort of are. But nothing bad. I just wanted to point out that you’ve increased the number of Me Parties and I feel like you are really doing too damn much.” He rested his hands on the table.

  “What? I thought you love the Me Parties?” I had a sinking feeling.

  “I do. Don’t get me wrong, but Mom and Dad and I had a conversation the other day about the pressure you put yourself under and the fact that this is your last year of high school. You have to make time for you to just be a teenage girl. You know?” He reached across the table to touch my hand.

  “So Mom and Dad put you up to this. Is this what you think, or is it all of you?” Usually we broached things as a family, so this Austin-heavy conversation had me perplexed.

  “No. We came up with it. And you don’t have to listen. We knew you had your own mind about what you want to do—and that’s cool. But how many more things can you pile on before it’s too much?”

  I stood up and pulled my hands out from under his. “Do you know how many pending cases I have for Me Parties? Over fifty. Fifty people who could really use what I do to make hard situations easier. And the more of these I do, the more contacts I have so I can do more.” I pushed myself to sit on the countertop and sighed.

  “Yeah, I know. We could help lots of people every day, and that’s great, but you need some balance. You need to be able to take a few weeks to just enjoy being a teenager for these last few months.” He tipped back in his chair and seemed reluctant to say more.

  “What? Just tell me. I can see it on your face.” Austin and I never really fought, but I could tell he had concerns, which was making me have concerns.

  “You’re up every night with him.”

  “Oh. It’s about Ruffian.” I nodded and then shook my head.

  “Well, I mean, that’s a lot of sleep to lose every damn day. And is everything okay with him? I mean, it’s just us now, you can tell me.” Austin fiddled with his ring.

  “I literally hang out with guy friends all the time. What’s so different about Ruffian?” I felt my heart beating louder.

  “Just mentioning him seems to get you defensive.”

  Austin was using one of his superpowers against me. The way he could observe how people interact.

  “Ruffian and I are fine. He’s even agreed to help with Betty’s dance wish. So it’s fine. We’re great. There’s no we other than the fact that we live in the same house.” I pushed off the counter. “Are you going to help me with the makeup Pinterest board for the fairy tale characters, or are you just here to bust my balls?” I waited with my hands on my hips.

  “Of course, I’m here to help. I’ve got you, boo.” He stood, slipped his ring all the way back onto his finger, and gave me a smile. I couldn’t tell if he was forcing it.

  What I got from the whole conversation was there were concerns about Ruffian. And I had them, too.

  RUFFIAN

  I WAS SITTING at the creek that I’d sat at many times before. Mom loved this place. I felt close to her. If there was a gravestone, this crystal-clear water that cut through the woods would be it. I was alone now. The black bag from Meg’s was at my feet, empty except for the gold teddy bear.

  I leaned down and pulled it out. I could never actually give this to Teddi. It was Meg’s. It was stolen, and it would link her to my crime. But I still rubbed it with my thumb. Maybe this was the part of my heist I was truly afraid of. The after. It was done. It was over.

  I went first to the hospital and donated a ridiculous amount of money to Grandma/Mom’s hospital bills. I popped into Seasons and dropped an envelope full of cash for Lucas.

  Then I made my way into the community. I had stopped at Staples on the way down and bought manila envelopes. I sat in a parking lot and filled bunches of them with money. When I was done, Meg’s bag was full of envelopes. I wanted to make sure everyone got their fair share. I asked them to wait until I left to open it.

  Maybe it was now that they had made the discovery of what I had put in the envelopes. Giving straight cash had more sticking points than I was ready for. I was wondering now if they were all safe. Did they have a good way to keep the money and buy things without being robbed? I felt a burn in my chest with concern. The little details. I hadn’t figured them out. And the feeling I had done the ultimate good in the name of my mother wasn’t there. It was just emptiness. Vacancy. I felt the texture of the bear while I spoke to the creek. To my mom.

  “You know what’s crazy? There is a part of me, that when I did this job, I felt like I’d see you again. Like, literally get to see you again. And that’s not reality.” The tears were flowing now.

  “I mean, how stupid could one guy be? I was there with you when you died. Why did I think that this money, this now, you’d be here with me? And instead of feeling the best ever, I just hear my heart hitting bottom. I just don’t know what you want. What you would have wanted. They can’t take me from you anymore. Hell, I’m almost full grown. We never dealt with the after. How we would live after we were done running from the threat that I’d get taken away from you. Were we always going to live in the woods? I don’t know. I still don’t know.”

  I stood and tossed the bear into the creek. I watched as it swirled a few times and then was carried farther down by the water.

  “Mom, they’re going to find me. I’m going to jail. For a big one. For a million dollars. I won’t be out. I’ll probably die there. Is that good? Did I do the right thing? Where’s that feeling? The one where I know I’m right and it feels good to help people? It’s just an echo now.”

  I listened to the water running and a few birds chirping. In just a little while, it’d be dark. The sun would set on this day, and instead of victory, I had concern. Lucas and Grandma/Mom would be good. But the Conner kids? I gave the money to each of them and none to their mom. But the little ones would probably give it to their mom and she would shoot it up her arm. Would they do the right thing? They were just kids. Did I put a bullseye on their backs by upping the amount of danger they were in?

  Maybe it was all stupid. I wanted a sign. I always looked for a sign, but I wasn’t getting anything.

  I grabbed Meg’s bag. I wanted to ditch it on the way back to the Burathons’ house.

  I saw a flutter in my peripheral vision. A crow.

  Just before he swooped too close to me, he dropped something, circled above my head, and then flew away.

  I looked down at my feet. The teddy bear charm. I stopped and picked it up.

  I felt my smile pick up on one side of my lips. “Teddi? Is that what’s next, Ma?”

  I put the charm in my pocket and began my hike back to the truck, feeling less alone. Sure, crows like shiny things, but I would bet a lot of money, almost a million dollars, that Mom had sent me the charm as a message. Don’t toss what I have with Teddi away.

  Chapter 40

  TEDDI

  IT WAS AFTER dark when Ruffian walked into the house looking absolutely exhausted. Mom and Dad were waiting for him.

  “Is everything okay, Ruff?” Ronna came over to him and rubbed his shoulder.

  They had been discussing how to handle not knowing where he was before he arrived. And how they were responsible for knowing where he was for Ms. Josephine. But one look at him, and clearly Mom and Dad switched plans without a word to each other.

  Ruffian looked like he’d been crying. His jeans were marked with dirt patches and his hair was wild.

  “It’s gonna be. Thanks, Mrs. Burathon. So sorry I was out of touch today. I had to do a few things and revisit a place my mom and I liked to spend time together. It won’t happen again.” He looked at me and I gave him a sad smile.

  Whatever he’d been up to had certainly done a number on him. Dad came down the stairs to clap him on the back. “We’re just happy you are oka
y. Are you hungry? The truck driving okay? How can we help you?”

  I watched as he had a mild look of surprise before shaking his head. “You’re great people. I hope you know that. Man, I wish my mom could have met you. All of you.”

  Again with the eye contact. I saw relief in his eyes. There was a wall that was down for Ruffian now.

  Ronna hugged Ruffian’s arm and patted his chest. “She had to be spectacular, because you’re so incredible. That only comes when you’ve been so well-loved.”

  I loved my parents right then. For knowing what to say. For dropping all the lecturing they thought they might have to give to just welcome Ruffian home.

  When he got upstairs, he swayed on his feet a bit.

  “You have to be hungry.” Mom went into full mom mode, and soon enough Ruffian was sitting in front of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a glass of milk, and a gummy vitamin.

  Ruffian smiled as he took a bite. “Sorry to make you go out of your way. This is heaven.”

  Ronna rubbed his back again. “Take your time.”

  I left the kitchen to go to my room briefly. I updated Austin, Taylor, and Peaches that Ruffian was home and okay. I had no other information.

  When I got back downstairs, Mom was cleaning up the spot where Ruffian had been.

  “He went down to take a shower. He apologized a few more times. Little sweetheart. He’s had some kind of day. Be nice to him, okay?” Mom leaned forward and kissed my forehead.

  “Okay.” I was planning on it. After Dad had gone to bed, I hung out in the kitchen. When it had been over an hour, I slipped downstairs. I peeked around to see where Ruffian was. He was stretched out on his bed, one sock on his foot, the other in his hand. He had no shirt on and was out cold.

  There was the zap again. It was familiar now. Welcome now. I took the sock out of his hand, and he remained out. I snuck into the living room to get an afghan because he was lying on top of his blankets.

  I walked back in and gently covered him. I was concerned that his head wouldn’t be comfortable without a pillow, so I grabbed one from the top of the bed. When I slipped my hand under his head, his eyes popped open.

  He leaned forward and kissed my lips, putting his hands on both sides of my face. Off balance all of a sudden, he helped me lie next to him.

  His hair fell in front of his face as he cuddled me to him. “I’m going to miss you most of all.”

  And then he drifted off again. I couldn’t get myself out from under his arms, so I was trapped. I just lay there looking at his face. Was it possible to see the rest of your life so soon? Because I would bet a million dollars, I was looking at the face that I was meant to be with for a really, really long time.

  RUFFIAN

  I WOKE UP at two a.m. It was just what my body did now. I was bone-tired. The fact the robbery was committed, and the funds dispersed felt like a dream. I turned my head and saw Teddi curled up next to me.

  And then I remembered kissing her and keeping her. I was ballsy tonight. It was late when I kissed her. And I knew I had just a limited amount of time. I mean, if Meg’s family didn’t figure out it was me, great. But I knew my time was limited.

  I regretted it for Teddi. That I would be a stain on her family. I hoped her beautiful heart and charitable ways would keep her family above the fray of the crime I’d committed.

  I lay next to her and tried to memorize her face, the beautiful bow of her lips, the way the slope of her neck tapered into her clavicle.

  What a life it would be. To get to look at her for all the days I had on the planet. It was crazy how pretty she was when I first met her, but now, knowing who she was—there would be no beauty that could touch her.

  I reached out and ran my index finger gently down her jaw. Softly. Like how lightly you would touch a butterfly’s wing.

  Still, her eyes opened. She smiled at me. “Let me guess? It’s two a.m.?”

  “Fudgsicle o’clock.” I touched her hand and held it. “Plus, we have to get you out of my bed. I don’t want to wake up dead with your dad’s foot up my ass.”

  She flipped over and scooted backward so my only choice was to cuddle her to me.

  Facing away from me, she asked, “Where were you today?”

  I moved her hair so I could see the shell of her ear. I kissed her neck. “Doing a thing I had to do. It might take me away for a while.”

  “I hope it doesn’t.” She took my hand and placed a kiss in the center of my palm.

  Four words and yet they meant everything. “Me too.”

  We stayed like that for longer than we should. It felt like my heart was trying to tell her heart to hang on. To wait. That someday we could be together. I heard Tiger meowing in the living room. He was used to us being up at two as well.

  “We’ve got to get a move on. You know he’ll start tossing stuff off the tables and counters like a jerk if we don’t give him a treat.”

  She wiggled out of my arms and then I hated myself for even bringing it up. At literally any second, I could be dealing with an arrest warrant from the police. I hoped it wouldn’t be tonight. Tonight, I wanted to just be with Teddi. Honor the sign from my mom by being close to this girl.

  We trudged upstairs to eat the our Popsicles. I leaned against the counter while she leaned against me. Could she tell how much this meant to me? I hoped she could.

  TEDDI

  IF THERE WAS a switch for Ruffian, it was in the on position. He was, as if freed, his full self after coming home the day I didn’t know where he was. We didn’t say as much, but all of a sudden we were dating. He was just with me. Instead of eating lunch with the juniors, he sat next to me. Taylor and Peaches started to have inside jokes with him. He walked me to class and put his arm around me.

  It was the best week of my life. He drove me to whatever I needed to do for the Me Party. He was invested in sweet little Betty, and he was playing his part as her prince to the T.

  “And then after we’re married, you can have that frog farm you want.” He was sitting in her playroom while I spoke to her parents. She’d been fairly unresponsive for them that morning, but when Ruffian walked in with a bunch of flowers and a stuffed lizard her face lit up.

  “He’s a chameleon, not a frog.” She held up her new plushy.

  Ruffian and I had watched Tangled together so he would know his role better. And he had a hell of an imagination, which was adorable to see.

  “I feel like he wants to be a frog.” He touched the top of the plushy’s head.

  I clued back into her parents. “Obviously, you guys have permission to attend the dance. And we figured we would have a photo opportunity, but just so we are clear, we are one hundred percent going by how you and Betty feel the evening of.”

  Betty’s mom, Katie, had her eyes on her daughter. “We appreciate that. This has been great. I mean, you’re really staying in her boundaries. She’s super excited.”

  Her father ran his hand over his face. I couldn’t imagine. I closed up the files I had with me and said, “So this Friday, we’ll be by with the party bus, and from seven to eight, it’s full-on dance time.”

  Katie reached for her husband’s hand. I felt like I needed to give them some space. Ruffian matched my body language.

  “Well, princess, I’ll see you Friday!” He gave her a little fist bump and shook Betty’s dad’s hand. Katie came in for a hug.

  “You’re good at this. Thank you.”

  When we got outside to the truck, Ruffian held the door for me. I slid into the passenger seat. I turned and organized the file folder when I felt the emotion building up. It happened. When I had a case like this, when I knew, save for a miracle, we’d be attending a funeral soon enough. I would feel it all at once.

  But for this second I had to hold it together. I took a deep breath and faced forward. I could feel Ruffian’s gaze on me, but if I looked at him the tears would win. Instead, I smiled, grateful for the distance between Betty’s parents standing on their front steps and the truck.r />
  Ruffian waved at them before putting his arm around my seat so he could back us down the driveway.

  And soon as we were pointed in the opposite direction, the tears marched up my throat. A sob hit me like a punch, and the truck jerked to the side.

  Ruffian pulled it back on the road, evening out the ride. “Teddi? What’s wrong?”

  And then I looked at him. I couldn’t say anything else, because the feelings were punching me from the inside.

  “Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.” He reached his hand over and cupped my head while he navigated the truck with his other hand until we were parked on what looked like a private driveway. He threw the truck into park, unbuckled my seatbelt, and pulled me next to him.

  I just let go. The tears. The feelings. I’d kept it to myself until now. Mostly, I’d kept it professional as I went forward with a Me Party. I’d lock in on the hope. Locked in on the positive energy. It was essential for me to continue to do this thing. But when it hit, I had to cry it out. I felt Ester all over again. And the loss of the sweet souls who had gone before us all at this moment.

  He rocked with me gently, keeping his lips on my head while making soothing noises. He had paper towels in the backseat, and before I knew it, they were in my hands so I could mop up my tears. Crying was taking my energy. I stayed in his arms until I was finally able to pull out of the desperation.

  “I’m sorry. It’s just… She’s so…”

  My words caught in my throat.

  “She’s got so much left, and it feels really, really unfair.” He put his hands on my hips while touching his forehead to mine. “This hurts you. Shit, this hurts everyone. But somehow you’ve done this hard thing before. And you’ll do it again.”

  I looked in his face and saw that he had tears on his cheeks, too. I wiped them away with my thumbs. “Thanks.”

  It was a thanks for coming with me. It was a thanks for feeling with me. For being with me when I usually hit this wall alone.

  “We’re going to give that cutie pie the best day ever. That’s what we focus on. And that’s enough for right now.” He handed me another wad of towels.