by Lea Coll
“Let me see that.” Ashley leaned over my shoulder to read. “It says there’s an abundance of over-confident men on that site. Is that what you’re looking for?”
“Yes. I love a confident man. So hot,” I said, getting excited. Maybe this could work. Online dating would allow me to weed through guys that weren’t my type or who weren’t ready to settle down, so I wouldn’t waste my time. I just had to avoid the hook-up sites.
“I don’t know. Maybe that’s why they always cheat on you. You’re dating cocky assholes,” Ashley said.
This is why I didn’t like to talk about my dating life and probably why I didn’t really have one at all. Everyone had an opinion when you’d been dumped so many times. “Mmm,” I said, not taking my eyes off my phone.
Samantha snapped her fingers. “That’s it! You need to date the exact opposite of who you normally date.”
“Yes!” Emma dug through her purse for a legal pad and pen. “Let’s make a list of your exes’ characteristics, so you know what to avoid in the future.”
“I don’t know, guys.” But maybe they were on to something. At my last session with Dr. Hirsch, she’d said, “Guys who cheat tend to be outgoing, charming; they draw you in, but when you dig deeper, they’re secretive, private, unreliable, and great liars.”
“I love this idea.” Ashley scooted closer to Emma.
I watched Emma draw a line down the middle of the paper, writing “exes” on one side and “husband” on the other. “Husband? Really?”
“Yeah, isn’t that what you’re looking for?” Emma asked.
“I’d settle for a nice, dependable boyfriend at this point. Who doesn’t stick his dick in the next available female who walks by.”
“You sound bitter.” Ashley’s pen hovered over the exes column waiting for me to tick off characteristics.
That’s because I was, but I needed to rein it in. My friends were used to seeing me happy, which was my only acceptable emotion. How many times had I heard, the party can start, Stella’s here! Or, wow Stella, you lift me up just by entering the room. It was flattering but exhausting to be that person for everyone all of the time.
Raising her brow at me, Emma prompted, “Exes?”
“Fine—attractive, athletic, outgoing, lots of friends, successful at his job.”
“And the usual—doesn’t live in his mom’s basement,” Ashley said.
“And for your future boyfriend?” Emma asked.
“For your dating profile you should write down all of the characteristics that are the opposite of who you usually go for,” Samantha said.
Now Samantha sounded like Dr. Hirsch. But could you change who you were attracted to?
Ashley leaned her elbows on the table to get closer to Emma’s list. “I got this. She needs quiet, studious, smart.” She tapped her chin, thinking. “Not super social. Is she supposed to say not attractive and not successful at his job? That would be the opposite.”
“No, everyone wants someone who is successful at their job and attractive. Let’s stick to the other characteristics for now,” Samantha said.
“Then the only other one is nonathletic,” Emma said.
“Guys, I need a big beefy guy at least. I can’t have a man that is shorter or smaller than me.”
“You’re not big, Stella,” Emma said.
“Listen, pipsqueak. You’re five-foot-nothing and I’m five-foot-eight inches with meat on my bones.” I could laugh at that. I wasn’t a weak girl by any means. It hadn’t bothered me until my ex in college had called me a cow and said I needed to lose weight.
Samantha laughed. “You’re curvy. Besides, I’m tall too.”
I just gave her a look. She was tall and slender—the opposite of my body type. She’d never need to worry about outweighing her boyfriend. I poured another glass of Sangria. I needed it for this conversation.
“Men want women with curves,” Ashley said.
“How did we get into this?” I grabbed the legal pad from Emma, ripping the page with the list off before handing the pad back to her. I waved the paper in the air. “I’ll take care of this. I don’t need a list to tell me what I want in a guy.” Yet, I knew my therapist, Dr. Hirsch, would love this idea. Carefully examine my exes’ traits and determine whether those characteristics made them more likely to cheat. Avoid those guys in the future. It was methodical and so not me. I was more of a fly-by-the-seat kind of gal. I fell hard and fast. But when the inevitable happened, I had a hard time picking myself back up again. Maybe it was time for a different approach.
“We’re just trying to help,” Emma said.
I could tell by her tone that my words hurt her so I smiled to soften what I’d said. “You can help by narrowing down the best dating site with me.” I scrolled through the list. “There’s Bumble, Tinder, OkCupid, Coffee Meets Bagel, Clover—”
“So, are guys the bagels? Are we coffee? I’m so confused,” Emma said.
“And Clover? I don’t feel like there’d be hot guys on a site called Clover,” Samantha said. “Are you sure that’s not a ladies’ site?”
“Ohmygod, can you imagine if Stella signed up for the wrong site,” Ashley burst into giggles.
“That’s totally something she would do,” Emma joined in.
I bit my lip so I wouldn’t say anything. I had been the class clown in high school and I had a tendency to do silly things, but I was tired of being the butt of everyone’s jokes.
When the laughter died down, Samantha said, “You’re definitely going to need help.”
Emma snapped her fingers. “This is a perfect topic for Stella Says.”
I could interview the students at the college to see which sites they used and which ones they liked. “Good idea. I’ll post the question.” I opened the paper’s social media account and quickly typed in my question.
“You should ask people for their crazy online dating stories. I bet a ton of people would write in,” Ashley said.
“I don’t know if I should hear the horror stories before I sign up,” I said.
“Good point,” Emma said. “This is so exciting. I can’t wait to see if people really send dick pics.”
“Ugh. I hadn’t even thought about that,” I said. My phone dinged with incoming messages. “Look, people are already responding. Match.com and eharmony are for those looking to marry.”
“Which is you.” Ashley motioned for me to continue.
“Chestertown singles is a site for locals who are looking to meet people through group outings.”
“That might be an option for you,” Emma said.
“Someone said they’d tried and liked Plenty of Fish and Bumble,” I said.
“Do you think there will be a lot of local people on there or will you have to expand the area? There’s not an overabundance of single men in Chestertown,” Ashley said.
“That’s true,” I said. The last time I’d tried online dating had been when I was in grad school. There were almost too many options in Baltimore. “This is going to be harder than I thought. There’s a ton of dating sites, not many men, and do I go with my usual type or the opposite?”
Samantha leaned forward and slapped the table, causing all of us to jump. “I’ve got it. The perfect guy for you. He’s smart, studious, quiet, not social, and wears sexy glasses.”
“No.” My response was firm and immediate. I knew where she was going with this—Sawyer.
“He’s definitely single. He’s athletic, but we can forgive him for that, because those shoulders—” Samantha continued.
“No, no, and no,” I said, but my mind flashed back to how he looked in his team shirt on the quad. His shoulders were broader than any of his teammates, his biceps bursting from the sleeves.
“Oh my God, someone tell me who you’re talking about,” Ashley said.
“Sawyer Hudson,” Samantha said proudly.
“No.” I felt like a broken record and no one was listening to me.
“Yes! He’s perfect for you, Stella,�
� Emma said.
My eyes met Ashley’s across the table, and hers were filled with sympathy. She was the only one who knew I’d overheard him that night. “He said he would never date me.”
“That’s right, he did say that.” Samantha shifted in her chair. “But how did you find out? You weren’t there.”
“I overheard him that night. I left before he saw me.” Awkward silence hung over the table. “We’re completely opposite. I’d drive him nuts.”
“Yes, but look at Logan and me. We worked out,” Ashley said.
“That’s different. You’re both smart attorneys, successful in your fields. You’re equals,” I said. But we weren’t. Sawyer was a professor and I had trouble focusing. I couldn’t even process words on a page properly.
“What are you talking about? You both have higher education—you have a master’s degree and he has a doctorate,” Ashley said.
“I can’t even sit still long enough to read a book or watch TV. I’m go, go, go all of the time. I love parties, social events. I’m loud.” I was on a roll, Sawyer’s words spurring me on. We literally had nothing in common. “Name one thing we have in common.”
The table was silent for a minute.
“He said himself—I’m too much for him. He’s clearly not interested.” I’d never been interested either, not until that day on the quad, and that was just physical.
“I’ll admit that was a crap thing for him to say,” Ashley said, “but he tried to backtrack as soon as he said it.”
She’d piqued my interest. Should I have stuck around to hear what he’d said? It didn’t change the fact that on some level what he’d said was true. It wasn’t anything I hadn’t already thought about. Sometimes, my personality was too much for guys. That’s why I went for the overly confident guys.
“But he is attractive and athletic, which is your type,” Samantha said, continuing to bait me. “And I bet he’s confident in a quiet way, different from your exes.”
“Uh huh, and the students he teaches.” I remembered the girls in the quad fawning over him. “Guys can’t resist women coming onto them. Jason couldn’t and I bet there’s no way Sawyer could either.”
“Not everyone is your ex,” Samantha said softly.
“My last two ex-boyfriends—the only serious boyfriends I’ve ever had, cheated on me. My first college boyfriend was a TA who slept with his student, and my fiancé, Jason, cheated on me with his intern.” Even admitting it out loud was painful. Being cheated on exposed the faults in a person.
“Then don’t you think it’s time for a change? Give the nerdy guy a try. What could it hurt?” Samantha asked.
It didn’t escape my notice that it was Samantha pushing hard—the one who was hesitant to give advice. She never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings and I didn’t know why she was so adamant about this. “He said he wasn’t interested. Plus, he’s Emma’s boyfriend’s younger brother and our friend. If it doesn’t work out it would be uncomfortable.” I didn’t say it, but it would be uncomfortable for me when he inevitably cheated with a student. No one could resist those vibrant co-eds. It was just a matter of time and I wouldn’t be the collateral damage.
Samantha’s forehead wrinkled. “I agree. What he said was hurtful. It’s up to you if you can get past it. But would you consider someone like him?”
“I’ll keep an open mind.” I wasn’t sure what to do. My confidence in choosing a trustworthy guy was blown. If the confident guys cheated on me and the quiet guys thought I was too loud and impulsive, was there a guy out there for me?
THE NEXT DAY, I WANDERED Washington College’s one-hundred-twenty-acre historic campus trolling for people to talk to about online dating and relationships. I walked the brick paths searching for small groups taking a break between classes to approach. The campus had a second home appeal for me since it had been a reprieve from my home life when I attended.
From my research the night before, I discovered the general consensus was that students were too busy for relationships but not too busy to swipe right on Tinder. In fact, one woman said she got a high every time she did it, and couldn’t stop flipping through when she had downtime.
Then the conversation delved into how she swiped solely for looks, height being the most important. But it raised the question if these sites made people too picky. Whatever happened to meeting someone first, getting to know them, and exploring whether you had chemistry? If you rejected someone based on a number or hair color, how would you ever know if that was the one for you?
I stood in the center of the quad looking for my next group of students to approach.
“Hey Stella.” Sawyer came to a stop next to me with a book tucked under his arm, looking handsome in a button-down shirt, tie, and suit pants. Another professor-type stood at his side, shorter, slighter in build, with long wavy brown hair, and blue eyes in a button-down shirt, tweed jacket and jeans. “What are you doing on campus this morning?”
I smiled. “I’m actually interviewing students for a Kent County News online article. I’m trying to increase our online presence with younger readers.”
“And what better way to do that than by talking to students?” the man next to Sawyer asked.
“Exactly,” I said.
“Stella, this is my colleague, Owen Mason.”
“Nice to meet you,” he said, offering his hand to me.
“Nice to meet you too.” I tilted my head, shaking his hand. “Do I know you? I usually know everyone and I can’t place you.”
“No. I moved here for the job. Professor jobs are tough to come by these days,” Owen said flippantly, but his face was drawn tight.
I got the distinct impression he didn’t like questions about his past. “Really?” You never knew when a conversation would lead to an interesting story, one people couldn’t help but click on and read.
“Yeah, it’s super competitive out there these days, but not everyone wants to live in the middle of nowhere,” Owen said, gesturing around the quad.
My eyes narrowed on him. “Oh, you don’t like it here?” My approval of him lowered at that comment. I was proud and protective of my hometown.
He eyed the women as they passed us. “But the students are the same everywhere.” Then he winked at me.
I looked at Sawyer to gauge his reaction to Owen and I was surprised to find his focus steady on me.
“Let’s just say, if I want to shop at Wal-Mart I don’t want to drive to Delaware to do it,” Owen added.
“Not everyone likes a small town, I guess.” Sawyer chuckled.
“So, what have you found out so far? Any good stories?” Owen asked.
“I find it fascinating that kids don’t date anymore. Weird, right? I always thought college was the time to explore relationships and have fun with the opposite sex.” I chuckled. “Or the same sex, but it’s all swiping these days.”
“Oh, yeah. It’s so much easier. I don’t have to take the time to get to know someone. I can swipe left if they’re not attractive. Such a time saver,” Owen said.
Even though this was what I’d discovered during my research, I was still a little stunned by his comment. Dating had really been reduced to swiping on a phone solely based on physical characteristics. “You never read the profile?” This did not bode well for me.
He laughed. “Tinder doesn’t have much of a profile. It’s a hook-up site. Everyone knows that.” He glanced at his phone. “My next class is in five. Nice meeting you, Stella. Later, Sawyer.”
I watched him walk away. “That guy’s a total douche, huh?”
“If you mean he talks about dating like it’s a sport, then yes.”
“No kidding?”
Sawyer shifted on his feet and gestured with his hand. “It’s so easy for him—the whole meeting and talking to women thing. Of course, he probably deals with a lot more flirting from his students.”
“I thought that was a cliché—students coming on to professors for better grades.” My laugh sounded hollow e
ven to my own ears.
“Unfortunately not. It doesn’t happen to me often but then I’m not Owen. If it happens, I pretend to misunderstand and keep the conversation to class-related questions. Student evaluations are a big part of the tenure process, so there’s a fine line between avoiding advances and keeping the students happy.”
Jason hadn’t worried about crossing any professional lines when he’d cheated on me with his intern. The fact that Sawyer had encountered this issue before and seemingly handled it appropriately impressed me. “So you have to let them down easy or pretend you don’t understand that they’re actually flirting with you?” He couldn’t even be clear that he wasn’t interested because he had to worry the student would submit a negative evaluation. Suddenly very uncomfortable, I wanted to change the subject, so I grabbed onto the other thing he’d said which intrigued me. “You have trouble talking to women?” As much as I personally preferred confident outgoing men, it was sweet Sawyer was shy.
He shifted on his feet and looked away from me. “A little.”
“I could totally help you!” If I hooked Sawyer up with a nice quiet intellectual type then my friends would see he wasn’t the type for me.
He shook his head. “Oh no. I don’t need any help,” he held up his hands, “and I don’t need a dating app.”
“You don’t have to use a dating app. I can help you talk to women in person. I was thinking of trying the online dating thing myself.”
His brow raised. “You think that’s safe?”
I got the impression Sawyer was against the idea of online dating period, regardless of its safety, so I couldn’t resist teasing him. “It’s perfectly safe to swipe on my living room couch.”
“That’s true. But I meant seeing someone you met online in person for the first time.”
“I know the dangers.” People tended to think I was impulsive and reckless but I’d seen the articles about safety in online dating.
“Be careful, Stella.”
“I will.” Something about Sawyer’s words filled me with warmth. It figured I’d notice him only after he had made those comments about me. I couldn’t forget I was too much for him—too loud, too opinionated, too everything. I didn’t fit into a neat box, that was for sure. “You should try it. If you’re talking to women online first, maybe it would be an ice breaker for you?”
