But not mine.
With a huff, I rubbed at my nose, staring down into the black liquid. Everything was so messed up, and last night only made it worse.
I reluctantly slipped out of Lennox’s room at dawn, leaving him sound asleep, returning to mine before anyone would find us. I wanted to stay. The few peaceful hours I got lying next to him felt like heaven, and I woke up to his hand on my thigh as if he wanted to make sure I was there.
“My lady, do you need anything?” A voice made me jump around.
“Bloody hell.” I hissed, my hand going to my chest.
A maid stood there, a hint of irritation on her stern face. “I can have someone serve you breakfast in the dining room.”
Meaning, get out.
I had crossed some invisible line. The royals stayed out of the domestic areas. But I felt more comfortable here than I did in that large stuffy room, where the Queen and King would be, along with Eloise and Theo.
I was avoiding all of them right now.
“No. I’m good. Thank you. Just coffee for me today.” I was far too queasy to eat anything yet.
Her smile was forced as she dipped her head, moving along.
Turning back around, I exhaled, willing the painkillers to kick in, along with some logic and a sense of sanity.
Today was going to be a shite day.
“You hiding in here?” Rough and thick, his voice hiked up my lungs from behind, curling my fingers against the counter. My body pulsed in response to him, flushing with heat and energy.
How had I not seen it before? Denied it?
“Jesus.” I breathed out, my heart pounding wildly. “Will people stop sneaking up on me this morning?”
He stayed right behind me, forcing me to glance over my shoulder at him.
Mistake.
My teeth clamped together at seeing him. Dressed in his suit, his hair damp from a shower, he smelled like soap—masculine and rich. He looked so damn sexy, even covered in bruises and butterfly bandages covering his deeper cuts as well. The craving to reach up and touch them, to kiss him, whirled me back around, and I struggled to swallow.
“It bothered me,” he spoke low, muttering into my ear.
“What?”
“Waking up to an empty bed.” His breath slipped down the back of my neck. “Specifically, to you not being in it.”
A harsh breath sucked through my lungs, my throat tight.
“Lennox.”
“I know.” He stepped back. My instinct was to reclaim the space, but I forced my attention on the counter, my nails tapping at the ceramic mug. “I have no right to say that to you.”
Maybe not, but it didn’t take away the fact I wanted to hear it, wanted him to feel that way. Longed to feel his skin against mine, to not stop what could have happened last night.
“I don’t think I should work here anymore.”
“What?” I swung around, my eyes wide. “Why?”
“Why do you think?” He tilted his head.
“You can’t quit.”
“I can’t stay.” He rolled back his shoulders, tucking his hands in his pockets. “Theo is a good guy. He deserves someone on his team who has his best interests at heart.”
“And you don’t?”
“No.” His hazel eyes burned into me, fluttering rabid bats in my stomach. Tension weaved through the air, making me forget everything else. “I definitely do not.”
I swallowed at his implication, heart thumping.
“It will be better with me gone.”
“Not for me.” My mouth sputtered without my mind in agreement.
“Even more for you.” He looked to the side. “I’m not…I can’t…” He cleared his throat. “You will have a good life with him.”
“What if that’s not what I want?” I whispered.
His head snapped back to me. “What do you want?”
You. It sat heavy in my mouth but wouldn’t pass through my lips, fear branding it to my tongue.
He watched me for a moment, then his eyes dropped, his head shaking. “It doesn’t matter. This…” He motioned between us. “Is not even an option. I’ll be removing myself from His Majesty’s service. It will be better for all in the end…and soon, you won’t even remember me.”
“Not possible.” I pushed off the counter, stepping into his space. His nose flared, but he didn’t move. The memory of his fingers sliding through me, his erection heavy against me, consumed me. “Not when all I can think about is you.”
“Spencer…” His voice died away.
“You’re right, Theo deserves better. From me too.” The craving to touch him made my hand press against his torso, recalling how his skin felt against mine. His muscles flinched and moved against my palm. “I’m going to tell him today.”
“What?” he breathed out.
“That it’s over.”
“You sure about that?” He leaned in closer to me, our mouths only a few centimeters apart. “I’m not the guy…even if I wanted to be. I can’t. There are things you don’t know.”
I wasn’t sure of a lot lately, but there was one thing I was. I cared a lot about Theo, and he deserved someone who loved him without hesitation. Someone who would be completely obsessed and crave him.
“There you are,” Theo’s voice slammed into me from the doorway. Locking up in fear, I couldn’t move, panic popping my eyes wide. We were too close, my hand still touching him…
Lennox reflexes were like a cat, moving in an instant, his hand poking at the plaster on my forehead, acting like he was taping it back down. “There. All clean.” He brushed his hands together, stepping back. “Need to keep ointment on it if you don’t want it to scar.”
Theo stepped up to us, his gaze shifting between us with guarded caution. “You all right?”
I nodded, my fingers grazing over the dressing.
“My medical training in the field always takes over.” Lennox motioned to me.
Theo’s jaw rolled, but he bobbed his head, not responding.
“Well.” Lennox dipped his head at him. “Better get to work. Busy day. See you two later.” He swiveled, striding out of the room, leaving Theo and I alone.
Awkward. Strained.
Exhaling, I looked at Theo, my throat closing in, knowing what I was about to do. I couldn’t deny a big chunk of both my heart and head were screaming, “What the fuck are you doing? Are you an idiot?”
Yes. I probably was. But as much as I loved Theo, it wasn’t enough.
“How are you feeling today?” He moved to me, clasping my biceps, his eyes searching over the burn marks on my face. “You look a little better. Get some sleep?”
“Theo…”
“No, let me speak first.” His hands squeezed my arms, and I tried not to flinch in pain. “I am so sorry. I really was a wanker. I shouldn’t have said those things last night. After what you went through.” He paused for a moment, staring at me. “I was selfish. I was just so scared. The thought of losing you…”
A tsunami of shame barreled into me, flooding the back of my eyes.
“Theo, stop—”
“I love you so much.”
“Theo—”
“I want you to forget about it, and we move forward.”
“Forget about it?” I leaned back, leaving his grasp, puzzlement lowering my lids.
“All of it. Our fight. The incident.” He shrugged off the word like it was nothing. “It’s not worth dwelling on. There’s so much good ahead of us.”
Forget? I could still taste the debris and blood on my tongue. I could never forget their guts staining my clothes, the sounds of their screams, the power of the explosion ripping my skin, the wails as the building collapsed. It may have only been seconds, but I could hear, see, and feel every second like it was years.
There would be no forgetting.
“I can’t simply forget, Theo.” I stepped back farther. Disgusted. Angry.
“It’s not like I wasn’t there. I went through it too.”
“Sorry.” He shifted his feet. “That came out wrong. I know it wasn’t quite the same…” He blew out in irritation. “I just think today we need to celebrate the positive. And have fun tonight at the gala.”
“Gala?” I jolted, my lids blinking, dread leaking down my throat.
“My father’s birthday. You know it’s tonight.”
No.
Nononono.
The King’s birthday wasn’t just a party, it was the largest event of the year. Ball gowns, tuxedos, celebrities, and politicians. The who’s who of the elite. So much pomp and circumstance choked out any fun, though people would kill for an invite.
“Tonight?” I pleaded for him to say he was joking. “I can’t…”
“Don’t be silly. You have to.” Theo frowned. “Could you imagine what people would say or think if you weren’t there?”
“That I almost got blown up!” I tried to fling out my arms, flinching at the movement, the Vicodin the doctors had given me not fully taking the edge off. My skin looked like I had been dragged over a road, my bones and muscles ached, my energy barely skimmed the surface.
“Even in death, my grannie would demand our attendance.” He smiled. “We royals are held to a different standard. We show up. Stiff upper lip and all.” He brushed a strand of my long hair off my face, tucking it behind my ear, his thumb brushing the injury on my cheek. “And you are part of that. Cover up the wounds, put on a pretty dress, and smile.”
That sounded like misery.
“Theo.” Even more certainly powered my voice. “We need to talk.”
He pulled away, his lips tightening. “About?”
Running my hands through my hair, I exhaled. “Us.”
“Can this wait?” He peered down at his watch. “I have a lot to do before this evening.”
“No. I don’t think it can.” I took another breath. “I don’t think I should go tonight…as your date.” The sentence was awkward and strained.
“What?”
“You know I love you.” I twisted my hands together. “I just don’t know if it’s enough.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Spencer?” Anger flared his voice instantly. “What do you mean, not enough?”
Fuck, this was hard. “I don’t think I can be part of this world.” I motioned around. “I’m not happy.”
“You-you’re not happy,” he blurted with ire.
“I care about you. So much. But in all honesty, I don’t think I’m a good fit for you. I mean, don’t you feel it? We are too young and all this pressure to be more…I think we jumped into this too fast.”
“I can’t believe this.” He shook his head. “You knew!” He stabbed his finger toward the ground. “You knew what you were getting into with me! I asked you if you wanted to be with me.”
“With you, yes, but it’s the rest of it I thought I could handle. But I can’t. I’m not built to stand at your side and smile.”
He paced the room, his movements aggravated and tense. “This is such bullshite. Where is this coming from? You were fine a couple of days ago.”
“Actually, I haven’t been okay since you moved me in here without even asking me.” I shot back. “But I dealt with it, smiled, and kept quiet to make this easier for you. Which isn’t me. I’m not that girl, but I knew how much responsibility was put on you. It didn’t mean my feelings and life should become obsolete.”
“Your life was never obsolete!”
“Wasn’t it?”
“You could do all your animal stuff. You can do as many charities as you want.”
“Animal stuff.” I clamped my jaw shut.
“I didn’t mean—”
“Stop.” I held up my hand. “I’m not saying doing charity dinners isn’t a great thing…but not for me. I want to be in it. Hands dirty, knee-deep. That’s my passion, not something on the side.”
Theo put his hands on his hips, peering down at the ground.
“I’m so sorry,” I croaked. “I don’t want to hurt you, but after the bombing, things seem different to me. And I think if we stayed together, we’d both end up resenting each other. I don’t want that for either of us.”
He worked his jaw back and forth, staying silent.
“Your Highness?” Theo’s assistant stood in the door. “Your father is waiting for you.”
“Yes, of course. I’ll be right there.”
He bowed and stepped away.
“I have to go.” Theo took a step, his eyes scouring my face. “Get some rest, and we’ll talk more about this later, okay? I need you by my side tonight. Your family will be here…our friends. Please.”
I nodded.
Emotion crossed over his face before he swung around and strode out of the room.
I expected to feel like shite after, or at least I feel reassured I said what I needed to. Instead, I had a deep sense of dread…like somehow, fate had other ideas for me.
Chapter 5
“There is no question of you going to the gala. Tonight is highly imperative.” Chloe stood in the middle of my room, a panicked expression straining her cheeks. She was particularly tense and stressed about this event. “This evening needs to be perfect. Everything has been choreographed and arranged down to the most minuscule detail.”
“I know.” I was trying to push through, but the later the evening got, the more my bones wanted to collapse in a heap. “I thought maybe I could sneak out early? No one will notice.”
“Everyone will notice,” she screeched, her arms flying out, but she quickly regained herself, taking a deep breath. The woman was never flustered, always ready to respond with a cool head. “All eyes will be on you. The people want to see you. It will be great press to show how resilient and strong you are. It will do wonders for your likeability. The media will eat it up as will the public. And it’s the biggest party of the year. You will leave when Theo does.”
Likeability. That’s all I heard, all anyone seemed to care about. My image. My “likeability” with the press and public. My mom brought it up when I talked to her on the phone. Even Eloise had said it when she visited me earlier.
“Still wounded after such a traumatic event just a few days ago, you’ll show up looking dazzling and resilient, showing them exactly what you are made of. You are proving you are one of us. True royalty. They will love you.” When Heidi came in, Eloise dashed out of my room to go get ready, the truth sticking on my tongue.
My assistant pranced around my room like a show pony, organizing the makeup artist and stylist. My lack of enthusiasm to stay for the whole time had her calling in backup. Chloe returned to the room and didn’t even let me get a word out before she was telling me under no circumstances could I get out of this…even if I was bedridden.
“Tonight is extra special, and, to be honest, this is a perfect opportunity. I couldn’t have even bought this kind of publicity.” Chole patted at her sleek blonde ponytail.
“People are dead.” My fists rolled into balls. “Families throughout Great Victoria are grieving for those they lost…this is not a publicity stunt.”
“We can’t change what happened. I am sorry for those people. I truly am. It’s awful, but that doesn’t mean good can’t come out of it.” Chloe tapped at her earpiece, her attention no longer on me. “Go ahead. What? Are you kidding me? I told them their passes had been rescinded for this event! How dare they presume to be let in after all the negative press,” she yelled, stomping out of the room.
“Spencer?” Heidi motioned me to the chair they set up in my room, the makeup artist ready for me. “We are already behind schedule.”
&n
bsp; After being primped, prodded, teased, plucked, and fluffed, I was zipped up into an exquisite gown. There seemed to be extra care with my looks for this event; Heidi kept telling them I needed more. Picture perfect, she kept saying. Standing in the mirror, I stared at myself, almost unrecognizable. A doll. The caked-on makeup tried to hide my wounds, my hair curled softly down my back, and draped with precise royal family picked jewelry. The tiers of dusty mauve tulle cascaded to the floor, the heart-shaped sequin bodice glinting in the light. Beautiful on the outside, but it scratched at my skin and wrapped around my ribs like barbed wire.
“We must go.” Heidi snapped her fingers. “Theo is waiting.”
I wobbled on my tall heels, gritting my teeth against the stabs of pain every movement brought on. People buzzed around me, talking, the stylists still fussing with me. The painkillers eased it enough for me to breathe through the aching and keep going.
Theo waited for me near the divide between residence and the palace, looking handsome in a tux, his hair perfectly styled.
His eyes widened and a huge smile formed on his face. “You look beautiful.” He reached for me, kissing my cheek.
“Thank you.” I smiled stiffly back. Everything felt weird and wrong. Trying to lighten the strain between us, I said, “They wouldn’t allow me to wear my sweats. Though, I almost got away with my Chucks in this dress.”
“Could you imagine if the press caught you wearing your Chucks?” He shook his head, not taking the bait. “Disastrous.”
My brow furrowed. My Chucks would be appalling? Was he serious? After the bombing…that was disastrous?
I felt like I was on this cusp of reality and fantasy. How easily I could slip over to where I also thought getting my picture taken in my Chucks would be “disastrous.” Where my sense of priority was so far off, I could no longer relate to people struggling for food, housing, jobs. Doing my own laundry or buying my own clothes would be a foreign concept.
I really looked at Theo. When did it happen? Did I not even notice the boy I loved at school wasn’t the guy before me? We used to tease and laugh, call bullshite on superficial royal crap. One reason I fell for him was he seemed to see through it.
Royal Command (Royal Watch Book 2) Page 5
