Anna hops down the white stairs, headed to her car for an afternoon browse at the shops. She notices John on his swing with a child, his niece presumably. She waves a hello, but he doesn't notice. She senses something is wrong and tentatively walks through the yard and flowerbed, across his driveway and then she can see. He holds the little girl as she naps with the face of an angel. Eyes closed, tears stream down John's face.
"John?"
He doesn't answer.
"John, are you okay?" she speaks in panicked but hushed tones, not wanting to wake and scare the sleeping child in his arms.
His eyes open in shock, as if from a trance. "Please take her."
She doesn't question him, but takes the sleeping child from his arms. Before she can say another word, he runs off the porch and down the street without looking back. She is speechless and wants to follow him, but this little girls is her first priority. Anna sits in the swing, cradling the peacefully sleeping girl, thinking how much she would enjoy this under other circumstances.
Within thirty minutes, a hushed commotion enters the house from the back deck.
Anna whispers as loudly as she can, "Hello? We are out here."
Brian and Stephanie look surprised to find a stranger holding their sleeping child.
"Oh, um, hi?" Stephanie starts.
"I'm Anna from next door." She gestures to her house with a tilt of her head. "John seemed to have a bit of trouble and asked me to help out for a few minutes."
Stephanie and Brian exchange knowing glances and Brian takes the child from Anna's arms.
"I'll take this," he says and disappears inside.
Stephanie comes out to the porch and leans against the railing. She studies Anna silently for a moment. Anna has the feeling she is being circled as prey.
"Thanks Anna. Really thank you so much. I assume you are the Anna who met Susannah and Meredith in Charleston?" Stephanie asks.
“I am,” Anna answers without elaborating.
Stephanie’s drawl is much thicker than John's. "Hey, we are having a birthday party for Clara tomorrow, on the beach. The big two. Will you join us?"
"What a lovely invitation, but I really don't want to intrude," Anna says.
Stephanie insists. "Anna, really we need you. The more the merrier, right? Please come. Three o’clock?"
Anna looks off in the direction she last saw John, worried, wanting to go and wondering what she is getting involved in and if he would want her to. "Okay. Three it is then. Thanks." And she runs back to her car just as the thunder starts to roll.
She considers driving the streets to look for him but knows he is running the beach. The sky turns dark. She runs into the house for a rain slicker and walks out the back door toward the surf. By now the sky has opened up and is pouring buckets. She considers going back but decides to just take a look up and down the beach. No sign of him. She goes inside but watches the walkway from her kitchen. After an hour, then two, she is frantic. She puts on her soaked slicker and runs back to the beach.
He is about a hundred yards to the south of Anna’s house, away from his own, sitting in wet sand. She struggles to get to him, tripping in the sand, blown by the wind. When she finally reaches him, she takes his hand, pulling him to get up. He rises, exhausted, soaked with rain and sweat, covered in sand. He lets himself be led up the beach, through the pouring rain.
"She's mine," he says as their feet meet the wooden walkway. "Clara's mine."
Anna doesn't know what this means.
“She’s my daughter.”
In the place of a question, Anna offers a comment. "She's absolutely beautiful."
They turn to Anna’s walkway, John doesn't notice Stephanie watching through the glass in relief. Anna does and raises her hand in acknowledgment.
She runs a hot shower and undresses them both. She leads him into the stone-lined shower stall, sitting him down on the teak seat. She scrubs him and gets the sand off herself. He sits in silence, maybe in shock. She sits on the shower floor, laying her head across his legs, holding him, letting the water run hot and long. Eventually, he moves a hand to her hair and leaves it there.
He begins talking in a monotone, slowly, with no feeling at all, like he is reading a memo. She doesn’t stop him. There is no stopping an oncoming train.
"Two years ago tomorrow, I became a father. Sarah and I had been trying to have a baby for a while and we were over the moon to meet our precious little baby girl. She was a joy. All of my prayers had been answered. Sarah was so happy at first. So happy, and in love with her little girl. But we took Clara home and things began to change. Sarah became withdrawn and depressed. At first, I thought she was tired, stressed, being a new mom. Then it got worse. She stopped sleeping and got irrational. We saw her doctor and got a prescription. I thought she was better, but I didn't know how bad it was, or maybe I was pretending it wasn't as bad as it was. I should never have left them alone. I never should have left Clara with her."
He turns off the water. He doesn't move, but she raises her face to watch his. He watches the wall, intently.
"When Clara was six months old, Sarah cut her wrists. More than cut really. Sarah called 911, then filled the tub with water. We had a big tub. Sarah used to bathe with Clara. My beautiful mermaids. Clara was in her bath seat when Sarah cut her wrists with a serrated knife. The fire department broke down the door and by the time they got there, Sarah had bled out and Clara was covered in her mother’s blood. Clara screamed for days. She understood. I don't know how, but she did. It was a miracle that Sarah didn't kill Clara too."
Anna tries not to show a reaction. She feels a reaction might be construed as some type of judgment, an assessment of the situation. She lays her head back down across his leg and lets the tears flow, realizing all this means, not just for him, but for her. After a while he reaches for a towel and wraps it around his waist. He reaches for another and wraps it around her shoulders.
"I left Clara with Brian and Stephanie before the funeral. I sold the house, got rid of everything in it and I ran. I left the country. They want Clara to know her father. I tell them Brian is her father now and Stephanie is her mother. Clara should never know how I failed her and Sarah. Sarah should have been hospitalized and I couldn’t see it. Clara can never know what happened. How does a kid get over that?"
Anna smooths his long hair from his face, he steps away as if he is waking from a bad dream.
"I deserted my baby girl," he says.
Any doubts she had about him melt away.
They are both exhausted and the storm is quieting. There is nothing more to say for now. Without words she pulls him into the bed and wraps herself around him. Not in passion, but in compassion. John doesn’t realize until later, this is the first time they have been in a bed together. John sleeps. Anna watches him for a long time. She opens the bedroom door wide and feels for the bat under her mattress. Then, finally she sleeps too.
After midnight she wakes to find him standing by the windows, looking out at the darkness, drinking water. He stands with one hand on the wall, spreading his already broad shoulders. He seems relaxed. She admires his nude form, silhouetted by the starlight, like a statue in Rome. She quietly slides from the bed, kneeling in front of him. With her eyes, she asks if he wants what she is offering. She takes his silence as a yes, and then takes him in her mouth. He braces himself with one hand on the wall, the other gently in her hair. Eyes closing, his head falls back.
After they eat cold scones and she sends him home. "You'll worry the boys if they wake up and you aren't there."
He agrees and goes to finish the night in his own bed.
After he leaves, Anna opens the windows in her bedroom, allowing the ocean cross breeze. She lies still naked on her bed and cries silently for her own loss. She knows she cannot be with him. She was starting to doubt her judgment, wondering if they could have more together after the summer. But it is a baby she wants and John will never be able to make that dream a reality for her. What
he has experienced will taint fatherhood for the rest of his life. She simply cannot allow herself to become pregnant with his child. My god, what he has been through.
John's late night return is met with a long heart to heart from Stephanie. She is courteous enough not to ask questions about his mysterious, beautiful neighbor next door who is obviously head over heels in love with her brother-in-law. Stephanie sits John down with two bourbons. She throws hers back and then starts talking.
“John,” she starts easy.
“I’m listening,” he says leaning back into the chair, wondering if he can stop her or if he even wants to.
“John, you know I love you like a brother,” she starts again.
“Oh bullshit. You love me way more than you love your brother. He’s an asshole,” John says innocently.
“Okay you might have a point here. Regardless. John, we have to change things. Clara needs you back.”
“She is better off with you and Brian,” he says, even though saying it rips his heart in two.
“That is a fucking cop out John. Clara lost one parent, not two. Kids lose a parent and they survive it,” Stephanie speaks in a hushed tone that still sounds a lot like a holler.
“Not like that, they don’t. Baptized in their mama’s blood. Do you know what the statistics are for children whose parents commit suicide when they are young? They are three times more likely to suffer psychiatric disorders and commit suicide themselves. Three times Stephanie. Can you imagine how those numbers will climb if she is with me, instead of with you? I’m a fucking wreck,” John says leaning forward, losing his calm.
“So get it taken care of John. Can you imagine how she will feel when she realizes that her Momma left her and so did her Daddy? When she gets older, she’ll understand that her Momma was sick. She’ll just think you didn’t want her, John. Brian and I are not going to let you do that to her. We just aren’t,” Stephanie’s face is flushed in frustration. “We won’t.”
John lets his head rest back in the high cushions of the leather chair, bourbon untouched. He closes his eyes and tries to imagine how he can possibly be a father to Clara.
“Soon John. While she is young and she can still adapt. We’ll do everything we can to help you.” Stephanie pleads with a hand on John’s knee. “John you are such a good man. You didn’t deserve any of this. You have to figure out a way to forgive yourself and come back to her. You don’t mean to, but you are punishing her John. It isn’t right. Honey, eighteen months is enough time to run, now it’s time to just plain grieve, like everyone else, and get on with things. Nut up John. Be a father to your daughter.” She takes the bourbon from his hand, throws it back, kisses his check and goes to join her husband in bed.
John can’t help but smile watching her go, even though he knows every word she said is true. That girl has balls of steel. John thinks about how to change his life late into the night. He watches Clara sleep a while before turning in. He sits on the edge of her bed and remembers what being her father felt like, before he tried to forget.
John wakes early to Clara tapping his arm with her tiny index finger. “Pancakes,” she says sweetly. He can hear the movement of pots and pans and conversation as Brian and the boys cook in the kitchen. The sweet smell of pancakes and the intoxicating aroma of bacon climb the stairs.
He stares at her awhile, seeing the infant he remembers that has grown into a small child, this child he loves so dearly. He pulls her to his chest and she rests her head against him, like he never left. Her soft curls against his cheek breach the levee he has constructed to keep them from each other. Any doubts he had are washed away.
"Happy Birthday baby girl," he whispers into her ear and kisses her cheek.
“Daddy," Clara says in reply. John sits up with her, shocked she called him Daddy.
Stephanie fills the doorway with her smile. "That's right birthday girl! That’s your Daddy! We talk about you a lot at home," she explains to John.
“What’s she calling Brian?” John asks. He assumed she thinks of Brian as her father.
“Uncle Brian,” she says. “He wouldn’t take the ‘Daddy’ away from you.”
John is more than a little stunned by this. Even though she is young, Clara knows Brian is not her father and he is. Last night's dialogue was more progress than Stephanie could have imagined. John knows it is time. He needs to be a daddy to his little girl. He decides to take the rest of the week to get used to it, before even considering what that means.
After breakfast, Stephanie sets to preparing for the birthday party.
“Anna’s coming this afternoon,” she mentions casually, even though she doesn’t think there is anything casual about it. John looks surprised but not too surprised. Stephanie usually moves fast.
Stephanie pulls out a box of cake mix to make cupcakes. “Tashie brought you rainbow cake Sweetie,” Stephanie shows Clara. “So Anna is really something. Her photos are incredible.”
“Yeah?” he asks absentmindedly as he pulls Clara to his knee.
“Wait, you don’t know?” Stephanie laughs. She can’t take her eyes off of John’s comfort with Clara and Clara’s ease with her Daddy. Stephanie and Brian have been working with a therapist consulting on how to do this right for Clara since her first birthday. They have all been getting ready for this transition for the last year. Stephanie knew John would come back. Brian had his doubts, but Stephanie wouldn’t give up. She refused to let Clara suffer the loss of two parents.
“I don’t know what?” John asks.
“Anna is a world famous photographer, John. She’s amazing. She’s… Well wait let me show you one.”
She prints the photo of Anna, smiling a casual smile, actually laughing with Bono, Brad and Clooney. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he asks, amazed.
“John, less F please.” Stephanie scolds, half-heartedly. “Yeah your girlfriend is hanging out with Bono.”
“Holy shit.”
She notices that he doesn’t clarify their relationship. Interesting.
“Okay go on out and fish with the boys. We girls have a party to plan.”
He kisses them both and walks out, looking happier than she has seen him look in years.
John joins Brian and the boys by the surf setting up their fishing gear. He helps them prep their rods and attach bait. John sits in the sand next to Brian while the boys cast their lines. Sammie shows Mikey how to cast.
“Man I have missed you,” Brian says already tearing up.
"My god. You are such a pussy," John says, rubbing his brother's back.
Brian laughs through tears. "I am. I just miss you so fucking much! I have missed this." He gestures to the two of them and to the boys fishing.
They have always been close. They attended Georgetown Law School together and chose to live in the same city when jobs were moving them all over the country.
"Johnny's here big bro," John says still rubbing Brian’s shoulder. John can’t help it, but he goes right back to Argentina.
Circumstances could not have been more different the last time they saw each other. Brian had an investigator tracking John’s rapidly changing locations. When John prepaid sixty days on a small, shitty room in Buenos Aires, Stephanie and Brian jumped at the chance to intersect with John. They left the boys in Dallas with Stephanie’s parents and took one-year-old Clara to Argentina.
The P.I. offered up a few spots where John spent his time in Buenos Aires. Stephanie and Clara stayed at the hotel, thank god, when Brian knocked on the rusted, metallic door in the rotted out apartment building that smelled of piss. John wasn’t there so Brian tried the short list of nearby bars. In the third bar Brian bribed a bouncer with a wad of bills, showing him a recent photo taken without John’s knowledge. After a few words in Spanish, Brian didn’t understand, the bouncer led him down a dark flight of stairs.
“You staying?” Brian asks.
“I’m staying.” John says and Brian wants to believe him, but the past is hard to forget.
“You owe us nothing Bro. Clara has been a light in our lives. Even during the bad times, she keeps it bright. She is the most precious little girl.” Now the tears flow. Brian is a crier. Bad memories and good memories are mixing. It is too much. Brian laughs anyway, determined to make the most of his time with his brother.
“She called me Daddy,” John tells his brother.
“You are her Daddy.”
“After Argentina, I just thought…”
“No John. That was another lifetime. Forget it.”
“Can you?” John asks.
“I did,” Brian lies.
They are quiet a moment. “Stephanie looks great. She is hotter now than she was in law school.”
Brian laughs. "That she is brother. My super-hot wife. And speaking of super-hot. Who's the blonde next door? Anna?"
John measures his words carefully. "Summer fling, but more."
Brian decides to leave it there. "Well done Johnny."
"Oh shit. I have to go get your girl a birthday present." John says out of habit.
"Johnny," Brian says seriously, "she's your girl. I will be here for her every day of her life, but she is your little girl."
John nods and Brian really thinks he is going to come back to them.
“What ever happened with Lynn Daniels? I see her here.” John asks.
“Our sweet Lynn. God that summer Gerry died was so fucking awful. What a tragedy,” Brian says remembering.
“I don’t remember the details. What happened?” John says.
“I think he was like twenty-five, she was a few years younger, my age. She just graduated and they were visiting some friends at the college in Charleston. She stayed the night and he drove back to work in the morning. I think they were supposed to get married that fall and he was going to start teaching or something.”
Circling The Shadows (Sunshine and Moonlight Book 1) Page 10
