But now he was shaking his head. ‘No,’ he said, withdrawing his hand. ‘It’s not that, although that’s part of all this.’ He sighed heavily.
‘I can’t imagine what it must have been like.’
‘No you can’t,’ he said curtly. ‘But, Louisa, there’s more I have to tell you. Please, just let me speak. After last night, I can’t go on with a lie.’ He looked at her then, and she saw the despair on his face.
He was married, she thought suddenly. Of course. He was married and he’d never told her. She stared at him. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
‘I had planned to tell you the first time we met. That was my intention. I told you I knew Harry …’
She nodded.
‘Well, I also knew Julia.’
It was the way he said her name. Louisa stared at him.
‘There’s no easy way to say this,’ he said. ‘I’m Catherine’s father.’
‘You’re what?’ Louisa said.
‘I’m Catherine’s father,’ he said again.
‘What are you talking about?’
‘Julia, my cousin—we were lovers.’
She heard a clock somewhere tick a minute by. Louisa looked at him. ‘Harry’s wife, Julia.’ She couldn’t put this together. ‘But you said …’
‘Julia was my cousin, my first cousin.’ He’d said Julia was a Freebody. Someone in his family, his mother, was a Freebody. He’d never even hinted they were closely related, or knew each other well.
He paused, took a long pull on his drink. ‘After the Slocum … I’d lost my mother, my sister. I’d lost them. And Julia … We didn’t know one another well when she was growing up. They were in the Midwest for a time. But then they came back. She and my aunt stayed a summer at my house on Long Island.’
He put his drink down. ‘The thing is, I knew. I knew we could never … I was older than Julia by ten years. She was my first cousin. I knew it would never … So I introduced her to Harry. Harry, the poor sap. I introduced her to Harry, and she said yes to spite me.’
‘Oh,’ Louisa said, feeling sick inside.
The week before the wedding, Black said, Julia’s mother had asked him to accompany her to New York so she could make the final preparations. Harry was still at Johns Hopkins. ‘I said yes, of course. I shouldn’t have. I knew I shouldn’t have. And then …’ It was their last night together; he was aware that they would probably never be alone again. ‘The thing is, I’d always been chaste. We both knew, though. You do … Have you ever loved anyone, Louisa?’
She shook her head.
‘Well, you don’t know what I’m talking about. I let my guard down. That final night, Harry was supposed to meet us. He telephoned the hotel to say he was in surgery and for us to go on to dinner. He wouldn’t make the last train, he said, so would I take Julia back to the hotel and he’d wait until morning?
‘So I did.’ He looked ashamed. ‘For Julia, I think it was the last moment before she signed up for life with Harry. I believe she loved him, Louisa. I have to believe that.’
‘God,’ Louisa said flatly. ‘She married him because you’re her cousin? How could she marry someone out of spite?’
Louisa thought of Catherine then, who’d been let down by them all. Poor dear Catherine.
‘I should have told him,’ Black was saying. ‘But I thought … After that there was the wedding. I met your mother. Alex came over. I tried to talk to Julia. I felt awful for what I’d done. And I saw Harry, so happy.’
‘But Catherine wasn’t born until eleven months later,’ Louisa said. ‘You can’t be her father.’
He was quiet for a few moments, staring at the table. Then he looked up. ‘It didn’t end there,’ he said. ‘I saw her again, after the wedding. We met at a cafe. I went there to tell her that we mustn’t see one another again, to apologise.
‘But I’m sitting there in the cafe, Louisa, and it’s all I can do not to reach across and touch her. I’m not proud of those feelings. I’m not proud of many things I’ve done. We were together again that day. In a hotel.’
‘And Julia?’
He didn’t answer.
‘Poor Harry,’ Louisa said. ‘But why are you so sure Catherine is your child?’
‘She is.’ He said it with considerable force. ‘Julia wrote me from Australia and told me.’
Louisa realised suddenly why Harry had been so hard to read about Julia’s death. ‘So did she die in a sailing accident with Harry?’
Black shook his head slowly.
‘What happened?’
‘I went to the island after she wrote and told me about Catherine. She was desperate. She wanted me to come. I couldn’t just abandon her, not once she’d had my child. I was fully prepared to take responsibility for what I’d done. You see, Louisa, I’d done so much wrong already.’ He took a long pull on his drink.
Poor Black, Louisa found herself thinking, no matter what he’d done. ‘So I went to the island. I told Harry the truth. I told him I was sorry and that the best course would be for him to seek a divorce on the grounds of unfaithfulness. And I would marry Julia and take Catherine. When I think back to how stupid
I was, assuming he would just capitulate, I can hardly believe myself. I was wanting to make this one thing right. I wanted to make sure I didn’t let her down.’ There were tears in his eyes.
‘And Harry wouldn’t,’ Louisa said.
‘He said Julia could leave him, but she couldn’t take Catherine—and if she tried, he’d follow her and he’d find her.’
‘So what did you do?’ Louisa was still in shock, she realised. Black believed he was Catherine’s father, and if he was right, Harry and Catherine were not related at all. And Louisa. Louisa was not related to Catherine either. This couldn’t be, she thought. It just couldn’t be. Would she lose her niece now? She couldn’t bear that thought. She focused on what Black was saying.
‘This is the thing, Louisa. What I should have done was walk away. But I couldn’t then. You see my dilemma. I’d told the truth, however much I regretted doing so. Julia said she’d come with me and leave Catherine with him. But I knew she’d blame me one day if she lost her child. And to be honest, if it hadn’t been for Catherine, I wouldn’t have been there in the first place. I’d already decided to let Julia go. I wouldn’t have interfered in their marriage except that the child was mine. Whatever wrong I’d done, I wanted her to be happy. I didn’t want to harm anyone.’
‘So what happened?’
‘We were at an impasse. I wouldn’t leave without the child. She became more desperate. At one stage, she even told me Catherine wasn’t mine anyway. She only said it out of desperation, she said later. “You wouldn’t have come, though, would you, if it weren’t for the child?” she said. “You wouldn’t have come just for me?” And it was true: I wouldn’t have. I wish I’d lied to her about that. She might not have …
‘I went back to Cairns to talk to the lawyers. She was just desperate for us to be together, not in her right mind. My lawyer was working with Witherspoon on what could be done. But Julia must have lost hope. She could see what would happen. She knew you Quicks would never give up, that Harry had his family behind him. The courts would favour him, she was sure.’
‘How?’
He looked up at her, and the pain on his face was hard to bear. ‘How what?’
‘How did she die?’
‘She shot herself.’
‘There was no sailing trip, no storm?’
He shook his head.
‘And that’s how you know Witherspoon,’ Louisa said, ‘and Florence Cunningham.’
‘I left the island and I gave Harry my word I wouldn’t go back, that I would do no further harm to the child I’d harmed so much already.’
‘But you did come back into Catherine’s life.’ That was why he’d come to them, pursued Catherine, the swimming. It was nothing to do with Louisa and his Baltimore clinic.
‘Witherspoon wrote me when Harry died. He’s probably just
looking to make a dollar from me but his client is Catherine, and he said he was concerned that her estate was at risk.’
‘Because of me,’ Louisa said. He nodded. She looked at him. She thought about what he was saying, that Julia had told him the baby was his. Women knew these things usually, Louisa had found. But Catherine was a Quick, surely. Louisa had always said so. Had she just seen what she wanted to see? ‘So you think you’re Catherine’s father?’ Louisa said.
‘I know it, Louisa.’
‘No,’ Louisa said. ‘You’re not. Oh God, Black, what a mess you’ve had to live with.’ She put her hand out. He took it. ‘I’m sorry, but Catherine is a Quick. I can show you pictures of my mother if you want, and of me. Catherine was the spitting image of me as a child. She’s definitely Harry’s.’
‘You can’t be sure of that,’ he said, withdrawing his hand.
‘Yes I can,’ Louisa said. ‘I’m really sorry that you’ve been through all this. Harry didn’t believe Julia. He knew Catherine was his.’
‘He never said a word about any of it. I think now he held on in a desperate bid to make Julia stay. ’
Yes, Louisa thought, Harry was besotted with Julia. It was believable he’d have been desperate to make her stay. Did he use Catherine in this way? Surely not.
‘So when I came to you about the letters, why didn’t you tell me then?’ She felt angry now.
‘I nearly did. It made me realise that whatever I do now, I’ve been wrong to come back into Catherine’s life like this. You’ve been a good guardian, Louisa.’ His voice broke on these last words.
‘What was your plan exactly—to take Catherine back to America and tell her the truth?’
‘When I saw her swim across the Thames that day, I was proud, I think. And yes, my family. I lost my family for want of swimming. I lost my family because I took them on a ferry trip. I thought I could hook Catherine up with the WSA and it would be good for everyone. It would give her confidence. I didn’t think of any future, not then. I came to London just to see, to see that she was all right with you, to keep an eye on her. I didn’t know what you were like. I’m so sorry. She’s my kin.’
Louisa wished he’d stop saying that. It wasn’t true. Louisa was sure it wasn’t. Although, was she sure? Perhaps he was right. Perhaps he was Catherine’s father and Louisa saw the Quicks in Catherine just because she expected to. Surely not. Still, it was enough to shake her.
‘So you saw her swim in the Thames because you were watching her,’ Louisa said.
He nodded.
‘And Alexander? Did you go into business with my brother because of this?’
‘No,’ Black said. ‘Alex was how I met Harry in the first place. I didn’t even start the negotiations.’
‘And now you want to tell her?’
‘I do not,’ he said. He shook his head. ‘When you came to me, when the boy was in trouble, I saw how much you care for her, how hard you’re working to help her. It was like having a bucket of water thrown in my face. I saw suddenly and so clearly what
I’ve done. It’s hard to describe what it’s like to fail so spectacularly, Louisa.’ He looked at her helplessly. ‘What should we do?’
‘Was Julia the only one for you?’ Louisa said.
‘Louisa, I never gave you any kind of understanding.’
‘I wasn’t planning to make a claim on your heart, Black. I was just curious,’ she said, keeping her voice even.
He nodded. ‘No, if I’m honest. No. We didn’t know one another well enough, and she was so young. Later I wished I’d been stronger.’
‘And Catherine,’ Louisa said, thinking of her niece suddenly, her niece who might not be her niece. ‘Catherine will be upset to learn any of this.’
‘Of course she will. Telling her that the man she thinks is her father lied to her for her whole life. I can’t imagine what that would do to her.’
Louise and Catherine had a morning to themselves; the reporters and photographers were gathered down at the other hotel where Trudy Ederle was staying. The reporters were camped down at her hotel, hoping to fuel the feud so they’d have some news to tell.
‘I have to talk to you about something,’ Louisa said.
‘What?’ Catherine said. ‘What’s so serious?’
‘Sit down,’ Louisa said. They were in the little lounge at the hotel that overlooked the terrace and the sea. Louisa had slept poorly the night before, dreamed again of being chased, a monster catching up, catching up. When she woke, her head was clearer. She couldn’t do anything about Black. Perhaps he was indeed Catherine’s father—he seemed very sure—but Catherine had spent her whole life with Harry, and Harry had named Louisa Catherine’s guardian. As far as Louisa was concerned, she was responsible for her niece, and she would continue to be responsible whatever happened. If Black tried to interfere, she’d deal with it as best she could. For now, though, she had to go on as she’d intended.
As she’d been getting ready this morning, she’d thought how oddly things had turned out. She hadn’t wanted responsibility for Catherine. It had been Nellie and Ruth Luxton who’d pushed her. She’s your blood, they’d said. You can’t refuse her. And now, it seemed, perhaps she wasn’t blood-related at all, and yet Louisa had never been more committed to anything in her life than she was to Catherine’s welfare.
She knew she still had to tell Catherine the truth about what she’d done. More than ever, Catherine had a right to know that there was an alternative life for her, the life she’d chosen in the first place, even if it meant Louisa would lose her.
‘Catherine, I did something I shouldn’t have done,’ Louisa said.
Catherine had picked up the newspaper from the table between them. ‘It says here I’m a greater swimmer than … someone, I can’t find them now, an Italian chap. I’m so glad Mr Black is here, Louisa. Have you noticed the reporters are leaving me alone now? I’m sure he’s done something. He’s been so good to me …’ Catherine looked up at her aunt. ‘What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.’
Catherine looked serious suddenly and Louisa felt a pull of emotion. She smiled hopefully.
‘Did you know Andrew’s getting married?’ Catherine said.
‘Is he? Yes, I think I did know that, dear.’
‘Yes, to some girl his brother was engaged to. I think he’s getting married to make his mother happy. Can you believe that?’
‘Oh, I see,’ Louisa said. ‘Poor boy. Catherine, you need to listen to me, darling. I’ve done something I shouldn’t have and I have to tell you.’
‘I mean, I’m not upset about it, Louisa, if that’s what’s worrying you. I don’t even like Andrew anymore. He’s become one of those awful reporters. We’re very different.’
Louisa nodded. ‘Yes, you are,’ she said. ‘But we need to talk.’
‘Shoot,’ Catherine said. It was a term the Americans used. Andrew had started her on it.
‘Do you remember when you swam the river?’
‘The terrible Thames,’ Catherine said.
‘The terrible Thames. Well, afterwards, do you remember you kept wondering why you weren’t getting any letters from the island? You waited every day for news and they didn’t write. And you wrote to Michael and he still didn’t write.’
‘No, he didn’t,’ Catherine said.
‘The thing is, I shouldn’t have done this, and it was with good intentions, but I think I didn’t see quite how much … What I mean to say is, I didn’t want to do the wrong thing.’
‘Louisa, what are you talking about?’ Catherine said.
‘He did write.’
‘Who?’
‘Michael. He wrote. A few times. And I didn’t pass on the letters.’
‘What do you mean? You hid them?’
‘I hid them.’
‘Why are you telling me now?’
‘I couldn’t go on in a lie.’
‘You took my letters, Louisa? You hid them and lied to me?’ Catherine’s voice was failin
g her. ‘Why would a person do that?’
‘I thought he’d taken advantage of you.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I thought he’d … I thought he was your lover.’
‘He’s my brother, Louisa. He’s been in my life since we were little. How could you think that?’
Louisa was embarrassed. ‘I read one of his letters to you. He said you were joined in body. I assumed.’ She looked at Catherine flatly.
Catherine stared at her. ‘We were joined in body. Swimming. It’s when you swim the three islands together. You’re joined in body. The islands are the body. But, Louisa, how could you do that? How could you stay friends with me?’
It was this question that broke Louisa’s heart, for it showed not only how young Catherine was but the extent of the breach of trust. Louisa could tell herself she had Catherine’s best interests at heart, but it was simply wrong, what she’d done.
‘And Nellie? Did she go along with this?’
Louisa looked at her. ‘No. Nellie said it was wrong. And Nellie was right. I’m sorry, Catherine.’
‘Where are the letters?’
‘At home, in London,’ Louisa said. ‘As soon as we get back, I’ll give them to you. I did the wrong thing. But I really did believe it was for the best. I know I haven’t been very good at this, but I was worried. I thought if I brought you to London, and sent you to a good school, it would open up the world to you; you’d find you could do and be anything as a woman.’
‘And now look at me,’ Catherine said. ‘I’m not anyone.’
She rushed from the room, leaving Louisa sitting alone, looking out towards the sea.
The next day, the third of August, was Catherine’s birthday. Louisa had wanted to make sure she told the girl the truth before that, whatever the consequences. Black was back in Paris. They hadn’t spoken of Catherine again before he’d left.
Swimming Home Page 27
