Xandra cut herself off at that, shaking her head again. There was no need to speak such things aloud. She knew her place in the world, even if she was doing everything she could to never be weak again. The thought of meeting her Mistress in person again sent a shudder down Xandra’s spine, as she knew how that would end.
Jasmine didn’t reply, instead studying Xandra, a curious look on her face as she opened her mouth, then shut it again. After a minute Xandra asked, “So, did you choose to keep some of the changes that were made to you?”
“Um, well, the problem is that while we had a portrait of me, it isn’t like the painting showed much below the neck, and my robes are rather… concealing,” Jasmine said, embarrassment filling her voice as she looked away. “The curse-breakers dealt with the nastier side effects as best they could, and got rid of every mental change they could find, but they told me changing my body back would hurt as much as it did when she changed me. So… I kept almost all of it, since I’d rather not go through that again.”
“Mm, makes sense. I did wonder, and my memory… well, we’ve had this discussion. It isn’t perfect,” Xandra replied, nodding slightly, satisfied that she hadn’t been completely off-base. She tried to remember when her body had been altered, but the only experience she could truly remember was when her heart had been replaced, which had been an… unpleasant experience indeed. After a moment more of thought, Xandra decided not to dwell on that, as it caused a twinge of pain from her ribs even now. “Either way, you appear to have recovered well enough. You need to work on your control of magic, but that seems to be a common failing of priests and priestesses.”
“Thank you,” Jasmine replied, her cheeks coloring a little more as she shifted in the water, hesitating a little before she asked, “Um, what do you mean, about priests and priestesses?”
Xandra looked at her for a few seconds, then sighed, raising a hand and idly channeling mana into it, coalescing the energy into a gleaming, rainbow-hued drop of liquid mana that swirled in the air above her hand.
“The better your control of magic, the more you can do with a given amount of mana. This is important because there’s only so much you can do to expand your mana core. Even if you’re one of the fortunate ones who are born with an innate mana core, the amount of mana you possess is limited. Mine is much larger because of my age and my skill with the sphere of energy,” Xandra explained, flicking the drop back and forth in the air effortlessly, then focused on Jasmine. “The problem with most of the priesthoods I’ve seen is that your deity makes up for your lack of knowledge and control. Rather than knowing everything personally, you rely on divine inspiration to control your magic. This is useful in that it allows you to wield magic beyond your personal abilities, but it has its weaknesses. The gap between you and the power you wield creates cracks through which mana seeps, and you have to pour still more mana into the spell to have the same effect. Worse, divine inspiration only goes so far, and few priests I’ve seen learn enough to reach the sixth circle of a sphere. That is the price of relying on another for your magic.”
Jasmine opened her mouth, then shut it, sitting back as she thought. As she did so, Xandra absorbed the drop of mana again, pleased with how little energy she wasted in doing so. Her skill with mana was one of the few things she could truly be proud of. The Lady of Storms had remarked on it as well.
“That’s why you say I’m sloppy. Because mana is leaking out of my spells,” Jasmine said at last, her tone musing.
“Yes. It’s foolish, and I feel the need to call you out on it,” Xandra agreed, smirking slightly. “If it makes you uncomfortable… oh well. I am not going to ignore foolishness.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to. I’m just wondering, does that mean that the blessing of my goddess hurts my ability to cast spells?” Jasmine asked, looking at her hands uncomfortably, then cupped some water to splash her face. Xandra couldn’t help laughing, though, amusement rushing through her.
“Hurts? Oh, of course not! If the majority of imbecilic priests and priestesses out there took the time to learn magic properly, they’d be even more powerful than other magi in the spheres associated with their deity,” Xandra said, shaking her head as she grinned. “Your goddess empowers certain types of spells, allowing you to reach beyond your personal limits, yes, but if you were skilled, she’d make your spells even more powerful than an equally skilled mage could manage. It’s truly as simple as that.”
“Oh,” Jasmine said, her eyes widening slightly as she looked at Xandra, a mixture of emotions running across her face. After a few seconds she asked, much more softly, “Why are you so nice to me?”
Xandra’s eyebrows rose, and she looked at Jasmine while surprise rippled through her, then asked skeptically, “Nice? Have you somehow missed the parts where I’ve insulted you and your skills?”
“Not without reason, and you’ve generally been kinder to me than to other people. Not to mention how you’ve paid for all of this, offered help, and everything else without a single offer of payment,” Jasmine said, pausing as she tilted her head. “I’m trying to understand it. May I kiss you?”
Xandra’s thoughts came to an abrupt halt at the last sentence, tangling up the depreciating sentence she’d been composing, and she almost spluttered. Fortunately, a millennium in the clutches of a demon stood her in good stead, so instead she focused on Jasmine, noting the slight lack of focus in her eyes, as well as a flush that might not be entirely from the springs. It surprised her a little, considering how eloquent the half-elf had been so far.
“You are drunk,” Xandra replied primly, straightening slightly, and Jasmine hesitated.
“That… seems possible,” Jasmine agreed after a moment. “I don’t recall exactly how many glasses of wine I had. But you’re still beautiful, and I’m wondering what your lips feel like.”
Xandra sighed and shook her head, keeping a firm grip on her emotions as she spoke. “I don’t believe you’re thinking correctly, either. Might I remind you that you’re a holy maiden? Somehow I doubt things like this are considered proper.”
“Wrong!” Jasmine said, grinning broadly. “Maiden, yes, but there are… um, loopholes. We can’t be with men or marry, but that’s as far as it goes. There are five of us, and the other four… well, they’re a pair of couples, and rarely go anywhere alone.”
Xandra slowly raised her gaze to look at the sky, the dappled light of the setting sun shining through the branches above her, and she resisted the urge to sigh. She wasn’t honestly sure what she felt, and couldn’t help it as she hesitated for a few more moments.
“So, may I kiss you?” Jasmine interrupted.
“No,” Xandra replied bluntly, her gaze jerking down to meet Jasmine’s, and she scowled at the priestess. “I’m not sure what I think, and I’m not going to let a drunk priestess push me into anything. If you really want to discuss this, do it when you’re sober. I think I’m done bathing, for that matter.”
“Wait, I didn’t mean to chase you out of the baths!” Jasmine said in a rush, quickly leaning forward, but Xandra sighed, standing up and letting the water sluice off her.
“You’re not chasing me. I’m warm enough, and would rather get more rest than slowly broil myself,” Xandra retorted calmly, making her way over to the steps and climbing out of the pool carefully. While the steps weren’t too slick even underwater, she could hurt herself if she wasn’t careful.
“I… well, if you want to. I just like your company,” Jasmine said, a plaintive note in her voice that would’ve made Xandra roll her eyes if she were doing anything but climbing out of the pond.
Xandra toweled off efficiently, then slipped into her sheer nightgown, ignoring Jasmine’s gaze. She had practice with that, fortunately. However, she was just starting to step away from the spring when Naomi came around a bush separating them from the next pool, swaying and with her cheeks a very bright red.
“There you are!” Naomi said, her voice as unsteady as her walk, raising a finger to poi
nt at Xandra. “I have… have something to say to you!”
Sighing, Xandra turned to face Naomi, raising an eyebrow.
“And what might that be?” Xandra asked with exaggerated patience.
“Just because you’re… you’re gorgeous is no reason to be so mean,” Naomi said firmly, taking an unsteady step closer. “If you w-were nicer, I’d be happier liking you.”
Xandra stared at the younger priestess in disbelief, but before she could respond, Naomi teetered, then toppled, falling face-first toward the paving stones. Xandra barely managed to catch the young woman in time, staring at her, then looked at Jasmine in frustration.
“What is wrong with your church? Are all of your priestesses so sexually frustrated that it comes out the moment you get drunk?” Xandra demanded incredulously.
“I, um…” Jasmine sputtered, her cheeks reddening, but she didn’t seem to be able to reply.
“’m not frustrated,” Naomi muttered, and Xandra rolled her eyes.
“Oh, shut up. I’ll listen when you’re able to stand on your own. I think you’ve had quite enough wine and time in the springs,” Xandra told the young priestess tartly, and turned to leave, bodily picking up Naomi in the process. She was heavier than she looked, but Xandra noticed that Naomi wasn’t exactly protesting.
Xandra also resisted the urge to toss Naomi in the spring, no matter how tempting it was, all while trying to suppress the memories trying to force their way out of the box she’d put them in. She didn’t want to relive those memories.
Chapter 28
Jasmine could barely manage a normal conversation the next morning, and looking at Xandra was difficult for her, as every time she did her cheeks began to burn. She could hardly believe that she’d been so forthright with Xandra the previous night, which made it difficult to talk. At least she wasn’t as mortified as Naomi was, and neither of them had gotten as much sleep as they should have. Which was entirely their fault, if she was being honest.
Naomi’s eyes were somewhat bloodshot, and she’d barely spoken a handful of words the entire morning, aside from groaning about her hangover. She’d given Jasmine a single, ashamed look before hiding until it was time to leave.
On the other hand, Xandra hadn’t changed in the slightest. She’d waspishly insisted on the two of them getting ready to leave before dawn, eaten her breakfast efficiently, then led the way out of Springville practically as the sun crested the horizon. Beyond that, she hadn’t spoken to them at all, leading the way through the forest as it began giving way to a hillier region. Jasmine had to wonder how Xandra could keep her hood up most of the time, though, as it had to be hot wearing it like that.
“Would you say something?” Naomi demanded at last, startling Jasmine. There was a note of anguish in the younger priestess’s voice which Jasmine recognized.
“About what? The road is so clear that I’d give good odds a blind man could follow it, and the two of you have a pair of working eyes apiece last I checked,” Xandra replied indifferently, stepping around a muddy depression as she added, “Though the road is rather poorly maintained. Unsurprising, with how little there is of interest in this direction, and most commoners aren’t complete imbeciles.”
“It’s… it’s not about that!” Naomi replied, her cheeks coloring as she looked at Jasmine pleadingly. “I’m talking about last night. You’re acting like it never happened!”
“Last night? Ah, yes… the night when a pair of drunk priestesses decided to confess their feelings to me. I always wonder why getting drunk seems to give fools courage which they wouldn’t possess normally,” Xandra mused, her voice as calm as if she were commenting on the weather, which caused Jasmine’s cheeks to heat again as the elf reached up to tap her lips. “As I told Jasmine last night, if you wanted to discuss it, speak to me when you aren’t drunk. Though I must admit that you puking on my nightgown made a rather poor impression, Naomi. I’m rather fond of that gown, and didn’t wish to launder it before bed.”
“I… I couldn’t help it! Wait, a pair of priestesses?” Naomi asked, her pace slowing as she blinked, looking at Jasmine in bewilderment. When Jasmine gave her a nervous, helpless smile, Naomi’s eyes went huge. “B-but…”
“I think that ignoring the precise events of last night would be in the best interests of both of us, Naomi,” Jasmine interjected gently, though it took a great deal of work to keep her voice calm. Her cheeks were certainly burning, but she was trying to keep it to no more than that, which was helped by Xandra not looking at them. “I don’t believe that I realized the exact nature of my fascination with Xandra until last night, though being rescued by her twice certainly helped. I’m not sure what the full extent of my feelings are, however.”
“Ah, the first shred of common sense I’ve heard from you,” Xandra replied dryly. “I must say, if you’re thinking to fall in love, you’d best give up. That’s a terrible idea. No, let me correct myself. It’s such an astoundingly horrible, hairbrained, idiotic idea that you should check with another priest to see whether someone cast an insanity spell on you, if you think you’re in love with me.”
That took Jasmine slightly aback, and she looked at Naomi in confusion. The other priestess hesitated, then opened her mouthto speak.
“Why is it a bad idea?” Naomi asked dubiously. “Not that I’m sure I was in my right mind last night. It isn’t that you’re not pretty, it’s just… I’m not Adrian, damn it!”
Xandra stopped suddenly, and Jasmine stopped, reaching out to take Naomi’s arm. If she was being honest, Jasmine wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea of Naomi being attracted to Xandra… but she wasn’t sure why that was. Maybe it was jealousy, but it also might just be that she knew that Xandra was… volatile.
“The two of you know little about me,” Xandra said at last, and started moving again without another word.
“Not as little as you might think. You’re the Reaper of Four Armies,” Jasmine said, quickly moving forward. When she did, she heard a rustle in the underbrush a few feet to her left as something small and gray bolted.
“And?” Xandra asked, a note of impatience in her voice. “In those records, what did they say? Aside from the obvious, how I killed several thousand people who tried to conquer the valley I’d claimed for myself? What did they tell you about who I was?”
“Um, well, they said—” Jasmine began, only to be interrupted.
“It was called a rhetorical question, Jasmine,” Xandra said coldly. “I’ve looked up the records myself, you know. The only reason I know Nef is because I wanted to learn about myself. If anyone could tell me much about my history, it’s the Karakar, for their records are extensive beyond imagination. And you know what the answer was? Nothing but dry, impersonal facts. I am believed to have been born in the month of Winterheart, in the Year of Purple Rains, in the nation then known as Irith, which no longer exists. There is no information on who I first apprenticed with, not until I came to the gates of the Great Library as an ambitious young woman of about seventy years. I spent ten years there as an energy mage earning coin, then traveled to the Monastery of the Dowager, in the Elkath Mountains, where I spent thirty years learning the basics of the sphere of destruction. That was when I built my tower and claimed the valley. A hundred and twenty years, and I could summarize it so simply. You do not know me. I do not know myself.”
“I… I’m sorry,” Jasmine said, looking down in embarrassment, watching her footsteps. “Still, that doesn’t mean that it’s foolish for someone to love you.”
“Three. That’s how many people made the mistake of loving me, in the Domain of Ashen Hopes,” Xandra replied, with a note of something… different in her voice. Something Jasmine couldn’t place.
“What?” Naomi asked, shock filling her voice. “Then… why didn’t you rescue any of them when we escaped?”
Jasmine had a sinking feeling in her stomach and a sense of foreboding. She was afraid of what was coming, and she wasn’t sure if she should stop Xandra from sp
eaking, if she even could. Then it was too late.
“I remember nothing but their screams,” Xandra replied, her voice growing slightly huskier. “No, that isn’t right. I remember our soft words, even if their names were taken from me. The words in the night, when we thought no one else could see us. When we believed we were safe to take solace in one another’s company. And I… I was foolish enough to believe that it would be different the second time. Then the third. How very patient my Mistress was.”
“Xandra…” Jasmine said softly, horror rearing its ugly head as the elf stopped in place.
“My Mistress deliberately made certain I could meet them. That I had enough time to meet with them and to allow the relationship to bloom, to give the additional time for me to dare trust after the first and second time. To set those feelings so deep that it would hurt all the more when she ripped my heart out again,” Xandra said, almost as if she didn’t hear Jasmine speaking. When she turned, Jasmine’s heart almost stopped, as she saw the tears trickling down Xandra’s cheeks. Yet Xandra’s voice was clear as she looked at them, the lack of expression on her face almost worse than anguish. “She didn’t make me watch, Jasmine. No, that would have been too kind of her. She made me do it. She told me exactly how to torture them, how draw out the pain as long as possible. I told you before, she could have broken me long, long ago if she had desired it.
“Loving me would be a foolish mistake beyond measure,” Xandra continued, turning away again as she started down the road once more. “I’ve told you before, and I’ll tell you again. I am a bad person, and I deserved the fate you found me in. Even if I desired to escape it.”
Jasmine couldn’t move for several moments as she stared after Xandra, the sheer horror of what the elf had said almost overwhelming her. She could hardly think, even as her heart began bleeding for Xandra.
Dusk Gate (Soul Bound Book 1) Page 21
